Lesser Confusion and Absolution Boy

A Charity that refused Donations ...

2008-11-03T16:25:00.001+08:00

... because it was associated with the Dungeons & Dragons franchise.

WTF!!!

10/31/2008
As has been reported by a few other gaming blogs and news sites, the Charity Auction at this year's GenCon Indianapolis was held to benefit Gary Gygax's favorite charity, which I will not name here for reasons that will soon become obvious. The fine folks at GenCon raised over $17,000 for this charity, which helps starving children in impovershed areas of the world--only to have that money actually turned down by the charity. The charity refused due to the fact that the money was raised partly by the sales of Dungeons and Dragons materials, which as we all know, puts an irrevocable taint of evil on the filthy lucre that us demon-worshipping gamers might want to use to, say, donate to starving children. Not only is this a slap in the face to every gamer, but it is especially insulting to Mr. Gygax himself, who I understand donated to their cause many times over the years. Plus, I'm sure the children who would have gotten food or clean drinking water with that money would be sort of upset, too.

I bring this story to your attention not simply so that you might let the people at this charity know how you feel (especially if you have donated to it before, as many did in the wake of Mr. Gygax's passing), but so that you would be aware that there is an alternative charity that I would personally recommend (based on our own charitable giving) if you have a desire to donate money to help starving children. Plan USA is a worldwide charity aimed at helping those who live in poverty and/or have suffered from a natural disaster, particularly with monthly sponsorships of individual children. Since the money of D&D players is clearly not welcome at this other charity, I can't recommend Plan USA highly enough to those interested in giving anyway. At least if you choose to donate through them, there's no chance your generous gifts to the starving children of the world will be rejected due to your weekend hobby.

(Incidentally, GenCon was also able to find another worthy charity with an entirely different focus, the Fisher House Foundation, that was willing to accept the money given in good faith by GenCon attendees.)

http://www.poormojo.org/pmjadaily/archives/023750.php

and a forum where they discuss it
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=421304

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Wondering the Piazza

2008-08-20T12:21:00.009+08:00

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Wearing it on my sleeve

Life

Let's try not to get ahead of things here.
"There is nothing to regret", thats a constant reminder for myself.

First off, I think I still have problems letting go ... of personal gripes and issues. Certain quirks that possibly cause me minor distress. Emotional maladies I could do without

But it's getting better. It's an inching effort but I feel less guilt about letting go than I would have a year ago. That's some progress, no?

On the theatre front - I'm a little in the air about who I'm keeping in touch with in the aftermath of leaving
.
Work

Shuffling into my new job alright, I think. The past 2 months has been been an adjustment. Turns out changing jobs is as painful a transition as insects on your wind-shield on the speedway.
Annoying, but incriminatingly vision wrecking.

Let's add whip cream and a cherry on top.
I'm not even sure wether I've done tight by going back into advertising. It feels no different than it was years before. I may be better but on a personal level, it feels like I've not gone anywhere.

My boyfriend (I'll get to that) - suggests Visual Merchandizing.
I'll do some research.

Art

Definitely in a slump. No excuses there.
The Art Initiative fell through, well I did keep optimistic. no?
Personal art projects - well .... besides spending a whole collective time of 30 minutes through a stretch of a week doing something.
Yea, its not going anywhere.
Neither is my RPG game.

Though Elton's doing a decent job GM'ing 4th ed. !
Not a strong supporter but there are aspects to the 4th ed. that I really like!

Gym

Definitely some progress here, and I'll be attributing these to consistency if nothing else. Although, I feel little change , I've been informed there is a more visible one from the folks outside.
Good eh, but I think I need to step up on on the routines and weight - so I can feel the difference instead. I'm certainly a little heavier but I'm not sure if its all muscle.

I know my diet sucks right now because I can't control the lunch menu most of the time (there's a hired cook in the new office).
Who won't be staying long ... Love

Yea this is the juicy part. yes?

I think its love. There's a greater expectancy ... a stronger gut feeling that I'm out to lose more if I lose him. A deeper sense of involvement.
And its only the second month.

I met Julian after commenting on a random photo of a theatre acquaintance on Facebook. Yea, its the whole "What a bunch of temptingly good looking guy!" - or something that that effect.

Julian responded in an e-mail because he was still unfamiliar with how to reply to the photo comment.

And thats when the e-mail exchanges began. And I loved it.
Its was hard enough finding people to write you e-mails rather than notes, and it was long involved e-mails that asked questions, listened to answer and responded in kind.

There's not much else I can say happened in between. maybe too much, but it will hold little relevance to anyone but us. Suffice to say, and against all my feelings about flash-fire romances ... we starting dating.

We may be different but it seems through an through, the more we discover about each other the more alike we want to live our lives. In different directions maybe, but with the same drive and intention. And we respect out differences.

And he allows me to be affectionate with him in public.
Not for the meek-minded, but I'm very physical in public I'm always holding his waist when we walk and holding him close on the escalators. And he feels at home. I think thats the best part, the comfort he feels with me.

Ok, thats enough for today.

---
A little rusty on Prose but here goes ...
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Snails pace,
Snails race
Ne'er sore

Man's tall,
Man's fall,
from grace

Fire's burn
Minds discern
I wonder where it all went.

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SuperHellion Smackdown!

2008-05-06T15:42:00.002+08:00

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I plucked this off someone in RPG Net.
Funny!

"That plan makes a lot of sense, in the REAL WORLD. In comic book world all you have to do is persuade Iron Man to stop using his amazing new source of power to fight petty criminals and put it under the bonnet of every motor vehicle in the Western World, turn all that teleporter and anti-gravity shit in Superman's Fortress of Solitude into a public transport system that replaces all buses, trains and planes, persuade Mr Fantastic (the dick) to use his genius to make the world a better place instead of locking his friends up in a interdimensional prison, oh and get Batman to use his leet skillz for something useful other than beating up petty criminals and psychotics. Also, Wonder Woman, lasso of truth, do you know how much the court system costs? If she just flew round the country asking every murderer "Did you do it?" "Were they really asking for it?" Millions saved on capital trials and more justice. Oh, and all the superheroes with KINGDOMS; Aquaman,Sub mariner, Black Panther; WORST RULERS EVAR! Do something useful, liek using all that bullshit technology for a space program so that we're not all stuck on this rock next time a meteorite hits/Gallactus gets peckish.

See; better world, 90% of the population didn't have to die, the superheroes just had to stop being dicks.

Having said all that, I would probably kill 90% of the population if I was an evil mastermind, just to give the remaining 10% a sense of vigorous aliveness."

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Ungruence Cells

2008-05-05T12:05:00.002+08:00

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Its been an odd week – weekend so to speak.

I thought I’d have a little more time to do things over the extended week since after Labour Day (Thursday), I had taken 2 days off, and then Sunday. But strangely, less-than-happy realization were given time to resurface after simmering for awhile.

I suppose its makes some sense and the lid had to come off at some point, but nevertheless it is not always what we sought for.

Perhaps my horoscope was right all those years ago concerning my job / career. I’ll stagnant if I stay too long, and right now the smaller things at work are beginning to get to me. I try and keep focus on the more positive aspects of work but it seems I become less of a designer if I don’t pour myself in the theatre industry (since I work in a theatre). It’s a pretty long story but in the end, I’d console myself into thinking – this isn’t what my intention for life is about.
Theatre was a good run and its okay if it comes to an end.
And that’s when a person has to realize, you’ve already let go.

I need to move on to stay myself and keep evolving.
This would be an ideal job if someone wants to have a grand scheme or design into the theatre industry as a writer, actor, director, performer, auteur, lover of the arts WITH moderate to skilled design skills.
But I’m a designer who’s fallen into theatre as a dabbler. I should have known I come with an expiry date if I’m unwilling to put up with drama-tics in the long run with little personal satisfaction from which is has to come from art, theatre that is – not design.
It help that I don’t like one of my colleagues as well :D.
Overheard "Where do you work?" "at an NGO" ... i think that how I should answer from now on.

But I still stand by the case, I need to find at least one good job before I tender my resignation here. It feels like the proper way,

I think I’ve ranted long enough on this.

Much to my own disappointment, I did not manage to get any illustrations done. This frustrates me. This angers me most of all about my weekend.
I spent too much just going out and catching up with friends. I could have headed back earlier, spent less on food, just … something that would be more suitable to the current lifestyle I’m trying to adopt.
But I didn’t,
On the other hand, I’ve been rather well behaved when it comes to gym time. I should do my gals like my gym. Dedicate non-negotiable nights with myself on when I illustrate at home.

I have little and no excuse really, to pander and test out my strength and the machines anymore at the gym. A month is up – and I’ve gotten some very good and helpful tips from a good friend, AJ over the past 2 weeks and I’ve started a sort of online progress journal of my physical pursuit.
Its slow … but I hope its steady.

To chalk up another sad mote to this already somber dirge of a weekend; is the sad fact we did not gather to d the Art Initiative as I have come to call it.

After a confirmation text message I sent out the day before and the reply that the girl is on holiday in Hanoi and could not make it, I was discouraged.
Truth be told, she did inform us of a holiday she had planned for Hanoi 2 weeks prior but the exact date wasn’t confirmed nor was there a few days worth of warning that for the coming weekend, she would be absent from the country.

As I understand it, she needed the holiday to Hanoi to get away from work related stress, but I had not come to see the Art Initiative as work nor stressful.
It would have been weird to the remainder of us (2) to continue as such because this was an invested project as a group and it would be more than just a formality but the spirit of things to keep the discussions as a group concerted effort.
So much for being consistent at twice a month; every 2 weeks.

Perhaps I had faltered again in my personal lessons in life and invested too much, too early. I could take it as it comes, but that would leave me with a lot of unaccomplished things and unresolved feelings. I cannot choose to resolve this like another person, that that ,,, the proper words escape me, … that would not make me who I am.
Some things more than others anyway.

That leaves me here on Monday.
Wondering how quickly the week will pass me by again and the list of incompleteness that will follow.

Highlight:
Met up for lunch with Sums
Found the DVD ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’
Saw Iron Man (which was not a total disappointment even tho it had Robert Downey Jr.

Downside:
Another Art Initiative down the drain
A surprising clarity on why my current job taxes me
Didn’t manage to draw anything on my off-days

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Prose

Last days don’t come often.
I think that they come once, lest they be called
Last Days Again.

First times are virginal
Never the same is replied
Never shy on twice

Forever is a myth,
To understand limitless
Where there is none, but change.

G.I. Joe

2008-04-26T12:01:00.003+08:00

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Storm Shadow and the Baroness
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Featuring the oh so hot Korean Star

Byung-hun Lee

who is aged 38, sun sign Cancer and a gorgeous 5' 8".
In addition to his native Korean, Lee speaks English, French and Mandarin Chinese fluently.

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About the only reasaon why the 2009 movie is watchable.
Certainly not for Channing Tatum taking lead role as Duke or Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

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ps:
totally funny!
Click on the WATCH Video link!
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/140341

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Yam tarts and Egg Rolls

2008-04-24T15:16:00.002+08:00

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Body Combat
So the class didn’t kill me. But I swear, at one point I was all knackered out with a good sweat that starting like I was caught in a torrential downpour not 10 minutes into the start. Then I looked at the clock behind.
Another half hour to go.
Crap.
I couldn’t do the basic push-ups toward the end, because my palms were too sweaty to hold on to any surface, mat or not mat.
Ah well –
But all in all it went well, I lasted the whole hour didn’t I and lived to tell the tale!
I went back in the gym the next day to do my weights (light as it was) because I could only take the class that evening. I might actually go again next week!

Writing
All things in moderation, I’ve mentioned before. Unfortunately, I wish I could attempt something in excess.
The art is slow, …. Well so far for the week, zilch. So I’m making a point when I go back today to at least DO something on my WACOM tablet!
The writing – well, apparently, we will be working on new material this Saturday so I don’t have to prepare anything.
Didn’t I mention?
I’ve signed up to write some more crap for the amateur theatre, The Oral Stage!
Only this time I’m not sure what’s happening, they’re calling this Saturday a ‘workshop’. I wasn’t aware it was one and to be honest if there’s a entry fee, I might just blow it off.
Vinnie is dragged into too, with much goading on my part but we’ll see about the director portion. For the heck of it, why not direct too while we’re at it, no?
:D

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Robot gobol

2008-04-22T17:24:00.002+08:00

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Exercise
I’m not sore.
At all.
Even after my minor playful gripes about feeling the pain the past week over the weights – I’m finding myself missing it. Yes, actually missing the slight soreness in places I never knew muscle existed.
Its weird really.
But onward we go. I’ve been looking at a beginners full body workout. It’s a good gradual workout for beginners and set’s up the first 3 months or so. Which sounds great! I just have to get to beginner’s level!

I’ll get to it once I get used to the routine at the gym. I gotta get used to it so I’ll feel terrible if I miss one session (haha!)
I’ll give myself a month then start on the Beginner’s Workout Programme I have.

On the other hand, Dann suggested and I went along, to go for out first ‘class’ at the gym. A Body-Combat class.
I don’t think I’ll make the first 5 minutes. But we’ll give it a go! Got to get ready for that session with AJ and he’s been taking that class for a few months n now! Can’t look like a total wimp now, can we?
A wimp for sure, but not a total one. I’m happy being half wimpy and the rest wussy.

Falling into place
Still clinging to that hope that after I devote this year to improving myself, the rest will fall into place. Or should that fail, I’m happy enough with myself tat it doesn’t bother me … so much.
He’s out there … or they’re out there. Whichever comes first!
:D

Heroes
At least try to be one.
If we can’t seek to achieve, we will never receive.
… oh my- that sounds like a start to a dirty limerick.

Art
I have to refine what I need from the Art Initiative. I’m concerned that I have the least to contribute about my own project I’ve presented. Te making of Gay Personal Oracle Tarot Cards is such a personal journey … its difficult to ask others to comment on the technical side of the project.
Maybe a little change in direction for the art project. I don’t want to compromise my project but I may need a more viable one for the team to work on.

Slam
Still not word.

Amazing Race Asia 3
No word, I think its best to concede the hope my friend, Vince and I made it.
(and no Vince, this ISN'T whining - its updating whatever few readers I have to my blog ... so there!)

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Prose

Never talked to the depths before
Not from my shallow crag
Not from the nook of solitude and the cranny of indifference, have I thought to ask.
Or listen.
Or I listen too hard to the sound beating under my skin, in the cranial of my empty humming silent head.
Or do we call them Echo.
Like the story.
Is the voice of this life a story?
To be continued …

Daisies posing as Poppies

2008-04-19T11:29:00.002+08:00

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Choice

This is a place I choose not to pretend.
This is someplace where its ok for everyone else to make or pass judgment based on what I write because in the end its only a perception on words. I cannot fault anyone else for misconstruing intent because there is no intonation nor subtle vocal / physical context in my typewritten words.
And so what.
Anyone can say what they want of me when they read this blog and I shouldn’t really care. After all, nothing here will change their lives drastically. No dissemination of information I post up here will be of major relevance and revelation to anyone.
And so what.
So I can choose to not pretend.

But it’s not the case when you live in the breathing, visceral world.

Growth
Growing older here means, getting more frustration.
And I suppose, growing more sensitive, and in a bad way. Home situations do nothing to aid this. Every morning when I leave the house, its rarely entering the world without some feeling of anger or frustration. And if my day begins as so, there’s a greater chance, the day won’t seem as bright as it should or could be.
Hard to see the sun when the morning clouded over; and if my friends know my home situation well enough … well, getting berated for not getting a better job, a raise, more responsibility and my general incompetence to watch out for myself is generally how every morning begins for me, after breakfast if I’m lucky.

So yes, I do know.
I know how pissed off and begrudging I get when the new girl at work abandons our lunch plans at the last minute to ‘hang’ with the crowd after much cajoling on my part to get her to eat. Even after, I help her out with a small emergency the week before as she bitched about the other staff not helping – and later, not a word of courtesy to me. Its never really one small thing but many small things that lead up to it.
She may have a different story of course, but this is where I don’t care anymore.
Where I realize, to bother caring for excuses and reasons means I’m assuming we could be friends.
When really, there’s little chance of that.

Been that way at work for awhile already.
Perhaps it is me.
No, its me.

So in this perfect world of ours, everyone’s faultless for circumstances obviously out of their hands, yet we continue to bitch when no one else offers a hand in changing things we want to change.

I think I’ll just stay picky about who I like as friends.

I choose not to pretend.

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Latchkey Titles

2008-04-14T18:17:00.003+08:00

Across Worlds

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Email
Its interesting.
I’ve been in regular email exchange with an online person from across the planet over the past few weeks. Its … rekindled what I had enjoyed so much about pen-palling back when I was young.
Its different from the impersonal, un-signatured text messages of the many and now. I’ve taken to writing and responding to these emails as if they were written. So more care has been put into the words as well as content over expediency. Full sentences, even.

Presents
Every time I see what I think would be the perfect gift for a good friend or ex – I’m liable to ponder over it and with much luck and finances (hopefully), I’ll get it.
Then I’ll go about figuring if their birthday is around the corner so as to make an excuse to give it to them to stave the headache of actually finding a gift for the on their actual birthday.
I got a few recently, and I think they’d make wonderful gifts for them – its just weird cause I thought I’d be saving money but I can’t keep doing this (LOL!)
Anyways, now I know if I were a gazillion-bazillionaire, I’d actually spend a neat tidy sum on ‘perfect’ gifts for friends and families should I come across it without hesitation.

Weekend
Its was … good and bad.
Saturday, after work I got about to hanging out with a good friend as usual. Saw the pseudo-Digi promotion for Fear Factor Prepaid freakshow. LOL! And saw something I think would make a nice house-warming prezzie for another mutual friend of outs whose moving into a new place over the next few months.

Sunday – I picked up a good friend visiting from Perth.
We were supposed to get to the KL FREEZE MOB … but by the time I drove to KL, car hunt for parking and what-not … it was too late to really truly participate.
Bah! Instead we had a nostalgic time going back to one of our nostalgic school memories. Its been there forever, the PJ A&W’s.
Took her over to the Aunt Tracy’s Mage Café (board games galore). It was good – since it what she does pretty frequently with her friends down in Perth occasionally, board game I mean.
She wants to go back there with more time to actually sit and play a game now. We’ll be going again this Friday night with much anticipation :D

Disappointed
Although I do understand the situation and its totally ok – things happen and you can’t help falling sick, I was disappointed my friends and I did NOT meet up for the Art Initiative scheduled for Sunday evening.
I had confirmed several days before and that early afternoon itself. But alas … things happen. I was really looking forward to it and as you could tell I suppose from my previous posts exactly how enthusiastic I was to get it under way.

Its going to be a little weird. Since logically it would have to postpone to next week.
But its more or less planned that in the coming weekend, there’s a stage script-writing workshop I want to attend.
Its not too tragic I know to make the choice. I know it’s a good opportunity to go for the workshop class (which is free with a small registration fee if I really wanted to and I’m pretty sure the others wouldn’t mind either.
But I also made a promise to myself and them …. That we would hold the Art Initiative for everyone’s benefit and keep to it no matter what because that was the point of it.
To blow it off for something else personal … would make me feel like I’m not giving anything my all.
Like I don’t know where my priorities or importance lie.
It’s a small matter, I will emphasize and I’ll lose little sleep over it when I do make my decision )no regrets after all), but for now … its still in the deciding stage.

Hilight
Met up with a good friend to me and had a ball catching up.
Buying nifty ‘perfect’ gifts for people who matter to me.

Downside
Missing a Art Initiative meeting.
A somewhat stuck-up tattoo reception girl (when helping my friend set up an appointment for his first tattoo)

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Prose
The wheels of mercy were turning
Her life came short within breaths
The water would claim her like a womb
Of sinking, dreary death

Her prayers to mother
Her mother’s mothers and save
Silent reverence reserved for hope
Condemned her to the grave

So she died a witch
No more cruel than those
Who themselves would bitch
With virtues as hollow as thorns

Too late for Tomorrow

2008-04-11T15:31:00.004+08:00

Flowery Nipploids

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Morning report

Exercise

Well, I'm sore. Upper body anyways.
Feel good, maybe my form wasn't as gret because it doesn't feel more evenly sore that it did he first time I did the machine assisted weights.
I'll have to pay more attention to form for now before attempting more weights for resistance.
But I'm glad I put in a variable difficulty and speed for 15 minute treadmill.
I think my heart rates wonky though.
Before the run, the machine said it was 130 or so, after it was 172.
High ? - probably.
I still have the rest of April before I attempt to take any pictures of myself now.
(( fingers crossed ))

Relationship Bliss and Cut-outs

I won't say I don't imagine some guys on the street or screen pairing up - and then smile to myself, thinking about how cute a couple they'd make and indulge for all of 5 seconds what sort of couple they'd make.

Yea .... I guess I'm starting to obsess again. Its not wrong ... I believe, but I know its not healthy either. Good thing, it reminds me that I do get lonely sometimes for company.
Good thing I'm recognizing it before it gets out of hand. So I remind myself, I'm doing a lot of things for myself now. Looking, feeling better with the gym (personal goal and vanity indulgence), improving my skills with an art project - ok, so little lazy in doing small projects now but ... thats still something I can work on.
Spending as wisely ans I'm saving should be something I'm getting better at this year.With much luck, I'll enough stashed away (minus taxes and emergency nest) for a holiday at the end of the year.

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Prose

You seek the way out, fresh ground up
I look at where I am, relation
and blood
Bones are dry with magpie tears.

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Newsies

From GU Comics
" In a recent interview with Fear.Net infamous "game movie" director Uwe Boll, in response to a question about a petition requesting that he stop making movies, stated that it would take one million signatures to convince him to stop. [more info] In the days following Uwe "goal" the petition ballooned from 18 thousand signatures to over 164,000.

In response Boll demanded a pro-Boll petition that he expects will also garner a million votes. He then proceeded to call Michael Bay a "[expletive deleted] retard", accuse Eli Roth of "making the same [expletive deleted] movies over and over again", and proclaimed his upcoming game to movie translation Postal to be "way better" than all that "social citic George Clooney [expletive deleted] [that] you get every [expletive deleted] weekend". Boll also stipulated that if movie goers "really look at" his movies they would see his "real genius". He ended his response with the assertion, "I'm the only genius in the while [expletive deleted] business"."

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Ten feet Overboard

2008-04-10T11:05:00.004+08:00

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Slumber of Youth

I’m not certain why I’m still have the sleeping habits of a troubled sleeper. This basically means I’m normally convincing myself to sleep. And I can’t seem to sleep for longer then 5 – 6 hours on average., If I do end up sleeping early due to exhaustion or work – I still end up waking up in the middle of the night.
The dark circles around my eyes – well, let’s say they’re a permanent feature now.
(sigh)
I think I’m still an insomniac.
Most material I’ve read mentions hat sleep is essential (d’oh) – but also to rest and build muscle. Like I don’t have enough trouble building muscle already with a high metabolism.
(bah)

Old time
I had drinks a few nights ago, to which after 0 we dud the typical Malaysia thing and went out for eats courtesy of Ming Tien in PJ.
Great catching up.
There’s a lack of the bond we had back in school, but that expected isn’t it. She lives in Perth and I here. We aren’t commonly in communicando but we do ok with the long silences in between. We both have evolving lives and situations that ‘adult’ us away and … well – there’s still hope I guess.
But we’re still cool which is what I want to believe in. So it is.
We’re ok. :D

Gym
Actually looking forward to another session at the gym today. Real excited.
Strangely, my two good straight friends are also at the same gym. One is an old time member that recommended Celebrity Fitness to me and the other, well he just signed up yesterday I believe.
Cool – maybe we can get together this weekend and give tips – since I’m practically starting over again with exercise.

Tattoo
Yea! I designed a tattoo for a good friend, Vince last week for his birthday this Friday. We’re gonna try and get it for him soon since this recommended place (a colleague uses and swears by) is completely booked out till Mid-May!
And we do want a good tattoo artist.
You can see the design in the pic above!
The name in one circle, his Chinese rabbit sign (birth year) and his birthday Aries – and its all in a designed cluster. He’ll probably want it in red – we’ll get there and see. :p

Money
Well, we’ll have to talk about this some time.
I may have spent a surplus this month. In simpler terms, I went over budget.
Even with the freelance work –pay that’s coming in trickles.
- The gym – the drinks (I rarely g out drinking with friends or myself so that’s a treat expense even if it is A LITTLE haha!), the sudden computer repair, the iPod Suffle.

Well –at least some of these were on my list of things to buy in the future already so its already done now rather than later.
I just have to stay away from other luxury expenses.

Crap I just realized I have to file for (income) taxes …. Well guess whose savings that’s going to dwindle down.

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Highlight:
Enjoying the gym and the art initiative coming up this weekend. The tattoo.

Downsides:
Some trouble with the printers and deadlines at work.
Dad still harassing me to get a new job.

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A return to prose and poetry in the nest few posts.

Brunhilda's Closet

2008-04-08T11:12:00.003+08:00

Day begins

Workforce
So I’ve been trying to be more civil to the father of the house, by selectively sharing bits of my job with him. The passing year were bad enough when he would moan and bitch about me not sharing my life with him and then accusing my mother of co-conspiring to make him feel excluded in his … yes, he says it loud and clear … HIS own house.

In an effort to be more civil, I share selective details.

Of course now, his ‘suggestions; to get a better job have moved from the friendly, ‘classified ads from the newspaper he clips and cuts with personal notes on them in a folder outside my room’ to ‘suggesting why any employer has to provide a annual bonus or raise necessary for the employee’s’ to ‘heavily suggesting and arguing the case on WHY this job he cut out from the newspaper us better than my current’.
Should I stay at this job just because …
Its not so bad- there are down sides, but there’s also upsides which I like ad I know I won’t get ion the new companies. That’s me being rational.
Me being vindictive would just stay and let him ramble on and get more frustrated why I’m in a dead-end job and that his suggestible efforts are being wasted.
Suggestion has gone too far into the realm of ‘telling what to do’,

Fantasy
I’m pretty glad I’m getting back into the habit of running games.
Sure, its shorter (duration) than the regular games from years back, but we can’t always expect to be the same. Let’s just hope for the best, we can be consistent.
Every other weekend, I would un a 2nd Ed. D&D game now. If on the alternate weekend someone else wants to run something or the group just wants a break – so be it.

Although, it has been brought up that one of the group members wants to run a 4th Ed. D&D game when it comes out in a month! Or rather … in Malaysia, 2 to 3 months from now!
I’ll be looking forward to that of course.
Best to make judgment on the system only AFTER we test it for ourselves, no?

Exercise
Finally started my first session yesterday evening at the gym.
Got 2 free basic training sessions with the trainers at the location, so I acted like a beginners’ idiot. Considering I haven’t been using a gym for … 2 maybe 3 years now, best I really take it from the basics again, lest I forget.
(of yea- I took a progress shot. Going to take one a month to motivate me)

Personally, I know hat it was a lightweight exercise routine. It was really basic stuff with low weights. But there’s still a mini-soreness in my muscles on my upper body today. So I guess it was good, I started slow.
On the other hand, I was nursing a bad stomach. Damn you spicy’ nasi lemak’ I had for lunch! … and it was wrecking havoc with my insides as I worked out.

Longtime
Going to see an old friend today.
I’m the worst at keeping contact with friends from overseas – I admit it. I’m much better at keeping them while their in the same country as me and contactable with a decent phone-call and drive away.
But she’s here.
Priya’s back for her cousin’s (she’s getting married to a guy from the OC – the location not the TV show … if it was the show, I’d be hooking up with some guy on the cast too, no shame, no gain!) wedding!
So I’ll be having drinks with her tonight.
Just to catch up – then next week perhaps, we’ll geek out a bit more.

And I’ve pampered myself.
I’ve saved a little aside so I bought the cheapest iPod I could afford.
One Gi iPod shuffle. Should be great tat the gym, no?

---

This is a long post so no prose.

Two feet away from foot

2008-04-03T20:57:00.002+08:00

-----

Adult Advisory
So while channel surfing, within a couple a minutes last night, lazy on the grey living room couch - I found mysefl listening to a couple of minutes of Oprah.
Just a few, but this one guest had a point.
The rest ... well, I didn't stay tuned long enough to understand. She was some sort of self-made Guru of something but thats not quite the point.
" ... write something good about your day. What made you happiest that day ..."

Yea, so its all this positive vibe gobbledegook but to a degree, theres definitely a point. Just to get through whatever personal tough times, we whisper to ourselves 'just a little longer', 'one more pace, one more breath, 2 more minutes, then its done ...' something to get us going just the extra inch or mile.

So what I'm saying here ... is may be I should.
A not so gentle reminder of what and how to see my day.

---

Highest Point of the Day
I finished a good friends tattoo design. I'm really happy with it. I'll post it when he actually gets it DONE for his birthday next week.
I finished and sent off one freelance job in the morning. Rushed ... but one done.
Got a free mag.
Saw a cute muscular lecturer in the rain taking his college Architectural class for a visit on my working theatre grounds. Taylor's college I believe they were from. And I wasn't shy about checking him out. I think the whole office knew.
One comment a colleague made was "Tsk tsk .. checking out the lecturer"
My retort "because the under-age students are yours ...."

Lowest Point of the Day.

Most people are on my back today ar work asking me projects all at once. I think they ambush plan just to work my nerves up.
Evidently, its all due within 2 weeks og each other ... and quite soon. Too bad most of them related to each pothers projects so I hav to get them done systematically anyways ... sigh.

---

C & C: 2020

2008-04-02T12:45:00.001+08:00

---

Challenge
I get the impression some philosophies treat life as a series of obstacles and challenges that must be overcome for personal betterment.
At times, it’s a never-ending struggle, but always with the promise something better lies beyond.

So when is it?
… this moment where it becomes worth it. Is the pleasure, reward, self-attainment and knowledge we get merely another step in the challenge? A lure, a goad, another stage?

For those who just enjoy life as it is – are they prepared for the challenges other life theorists speak of? Who is the better example to follow?
Somewhere in-between? Does it work that way? If we try, is it too late to go back once its done?

Change
Still searching for that elusive, decent job that pays reasonably well at a comfortable location from home.
So friends have settled in with new jobs – others are currently on the hunt for another. I guess for the next few years, it will continue to be this way; caught between employment status.
Well, there are those who’ve begun counting their relationship anniversaries well into their 5+ years.
I’ve become …. The single friend.
All I have to do now is wait for the ‘blind date’s.
(hahahahaha) … I wish.

Computer
Yea – turns out my power supply unit konked out. Seriously, major mondo damage. It took out my motherboard. It just had to take out an expensive unit in the computer. At least my HD and files are ok.
But that delays my freelance work.
Not to mention, whatever I was charging is now going into my ‘computer fix’ drain.
( sigh )

---
Prose

Casanova
Wishful thinking, I’m beginning to believe.
Little by little, it whittles away.
This dream of being swept and taken.
No more problems, they’re all now forsaken.
Casanova lies.

---

Art, Life and Zents

2008-03-31T10:49:00.004+08:00

---

Art
So I had my real (by my count) - art initiative.
Nothing real hush hush of course so I don't mind divulging details but of course I can't really post any progress here unless its my own art project. But its good to know its able to start - get the ball rolling as they say.

Hmmm, I think I'll call it that. The Creative Initiative ... or something like that.
So we're off!
We started yesterday (30 March 2008). As good a start as any day.
At 8:30 pm - Starbucks - Centrepoint, Damansara Utama.

Good preliminary although we are keen on a finding a proper work space that offers a good amount of privacy whilst still in public. I suggested Aunt Tracy's (Mage Cafe) since its well equipped to do work and it pretty much just regulars that frequent the place. So that's where we'll be meeting.

Twice a month sounds good enough, and we should really stick to it and have something each time if we want to finish all out personal projects by the end of the year. We'll see how this year pans out and if it does well, we could do with a couple more good heads!

On the list, currently:
Dann - Graphic Novel / Book
Florence - Concept Merchandise / Character Icon
Gary - Gay Tarot Cards (major Arcana)

---

Love
... has a terrible sense of humour when it comes to me.
Like that cool,ultra post-modern aunt, that always forgets you because you're not one of the many drones that flock to her when she arrives.

Let's re-imagine that scenario.
Like watching the kettle boil, but it always does when its someone else's turn.
I don't think I'm worried about it, nor rushing for it - and like I've mentioned before I'm pretty sick of hearing the "It will come to those who wait" theories. I'd much rather the "Go out and get it" approach.

I just need an approach, and I'm sorely lacking in the self-advertising department.
But I guess I'm going for a within to without direction.
Getting a better face care regime and joining a gym this week.
So should score my some points on the scale - HA HA!

---

Zen
I feel zen-like one moment and in a flash its gone.
Akin to the expectation of bad news /good news. No matter how much peace you surrender yourself to prepare for it, when it comes, you end up shuffling between "Its okay, its okay, I can deal with this ..." to "What the FUCK!, What the HELL!, Who do I Fuck!"

Nothing has sparked this, not like when I was younger and everything would spark a reaction in between those extremes. Its nothing specific now - its general, like a floating feeling, that meanders and changes hue and colours whenever.

Good thing?
Or the onset of schizophrenia?

I talk to myself often, and I suspect people often do. If they don't, then I should listen closely to what I have to say in the quiet moments between desperation and inspiration. I even make voices for each person i have in a conversation with myself.
At random.
In the car, or while waiting. or both.
Its my gib when dealing with insanity.

---

Defoliate

2008-03-26T11:53:00.004+08:00

---

Statements
I’m beginning to abhor the anticipation of waiting.

I think I’m beginning to feel like I need to start to defoliate excesses from my life.

The Elaboration
My patience is … evolving. Some things like traffic begin to really irk me when I realize the journey is going to take me 15 minutes longer. And I do mean, making my heart go erratic and louder, the grip on my hard rubber steering grasp like an eagles claw and eyes boring past the windscreen at the world outside.

I’ve noticed I’m telling myself that I’ll probably only wait up to a maximum of another 20 minutes outside their house, waiting for their exit – when I’ve called in advance and told them approximately what time I’ll be arriving and confirming the time on arrival.
If I’m ever late, I’ll call or text message to say so, and even then I make that rarely.

I’m telling myself I should be nicer through the months, but m patience seems to be wearing thinner.

Is one an affectation of another?
Is this any better or worse for my sanity?

---

Maybe I feel like tings should begin. I thought I’ve gone past this.
Maybe I just need to get to the gym now, not next week. I should get the art projects now, not this weekend.
This horrible anticipation of things to come, and the ever-increasing fraught-ful thoughts of it slipping away just as easily and quickly, nips at me.
By the hour.

---

Its an abstracted emotion, I realize.
Nothing I can quite capture with words, metaphor or perspectives.

I’m getting mildly disgusted at the phrase “You’re not so old for ***”.
What the Fuck do they know really?
Are they in the industry I’m striving and struggling to enter. Have they any foothold, interest or remarkable experience in the world of fantasy / digital illustration that they can claim “one is never too old”.

While it rings true, it lack the premise of conviction because its out of context to their own perspective and experience. … because they mean well, with little constructive ability to relevant support.
But this understanding, no matter how much I know they mean well – I just get pissed off. I don’t go making flippant commentary about how late in their ‘little career’ they’re making off with.
Much less, the career they actually intended to pursue as a dream since childhood or the foolish indecisions of what a career was since college graduation. I bit my tongue.

So there you have it: the appreciation of a finer, more tactful tongue – fueling a fiery anger beneath.

---

Prose

Fingers laced lattice shadows across the small of her back.
The crook of the neck, visible from the shortened clumps of hair on the nape.
That is why, I take them from behind.
That is the virtue of taking.
Preserving their beauty.
If only they would sit still, long enough.
But they do eventually – as the last airy gasps for air is prevented release.
No escape from this eternal beauty I give them.

Gripe & Reason

2008-03-24T16:11:00.004+08:00

------

Project Rant, kinda.

Ok, ok- so it isn’t major but I just thought I’d want to share my thoughts with the digital gods.

Florence asks me to begin with her and her friend she’s roping in to begin a ‘art think tank’ of sorts. Now of course, all credit for this suggestion goes to her and I’m pretty psyched about it.
Mainly because of what the goals of the art union would be.

It’s a small nuclei of shared minds in design – we could branch to do some pro bono work but primarily, its for us. It where we get together and really put our minds to produce art and project pieces that’s too big to handle alone or without support.

I sat down for one session and discussed the ground rules when we begin
1. We all invest.
a. We should all have someone at stake. A personal art project that we couldn’t accomplish alone or simply could find the time, prolonged enthusiasm and support we needed before. This is the time to take something that sways dear and near but never done to you and DO IT!
b. The more personal it is, the more invested it be comes. And if everyone has something in it – then we all have nothing to lose and we all have something to commit to.
2. Consistency
a. We always meet up even when we’re busy with work or life. At least once (hopefully twice) a month and we HAVE something. Even the smallest little thing. We have to be consistent in our meetings.
3. There is no EGO
The work is definitely the person who brought it to the table, but it WIL be open to scrutiny and we have to accept we can’t always treasure out ideas like unborn children. It must weather and survive the rigors of others to grow up better for the effort. One work is never better than the others.
4. There is no such thing as a bad idea.
Everything is workable. There is improbably but no impossible, no matter how silly, we will consider it until it doesn’t become viable. Everything we discuss is possible unless there’ s a better way (which there often is!)

And those are just the top of my head.
I think she may regret asking me.

I’ve been calling her at least one a week every week since our first meeting to ask her when we get started. I mean, the point is to get something started and finish it no matter what. It’d be ironic doing this for no result, since it was suggested to defeat that very incident.

And I’m still calling.

Tarot

I want to go a Gay Tarot – Still do , still wanting to finish it.

Pride

I’m kinda happy I managed to produce this piece of art.
It’s a commission piece for sure, and one of my few illustration commissioned jobs of my life, but I like this one.

I did this after a busy day of work, at home up to the wee hours of the morning, 4 am ish.
Tired, dredged up, and with the implicit direction of making it look … “Frank Miller’-ish.

I think I did ok. Its still a little messy (as in the little white bits in the black I didn’t clear up because I was half blind at 5 am) – but its all good in the end!
And I’m happy I did it.

Warning: Gruesome, violent content.

Super

I’ve always wanted to wake up and discover I had powers, but I could decide or place exactly what powers I’d like … or what kind of superhero I’d be.

How about you?

- - -

Prose

Security Scrutiny Scrotum
Switchboard Lovers across the board Allay the sashay of language and speech
The colour of violence we long live and preach.
Instead to live.
Instead to breathe. In spite of horror we bear and bore. To settle an invisible, forever score.

Flies like time, bananas are fruits

2008-03-21T14:52:00.004+08:00

----

De-Event

So its been pretty much eventful over the past weeks.

Good, no?
Or not?

Feels like I'm waiting for something. I'm pretty sure we've all been there. While we whilst the hours away of out lives, there lie something lurking beyond the corners of time.
Biding and waiting.

---

There's a couple of things.

There's the detailed information about the 'Poetry Slam' i was invited. Getting both nervous because I don't know when it is, how much I have to prepare or wether its going to be held or not without more information than a reply to a informal invite through the facebook email.

Daphne, longtime icon (and PA to the Dato herself) - is finally leaving to get married in one of the biggest churches in Cologne, Germany. Go google it - its FABULOUS!
Like most of the wonderful CG model structures for the Space Marines / Sisters of Battle WarHammer 40 K Cathedral like structures.
So that way.

Ever heard of Castle Crashers?
Check it out!

Altho' I'm still waiting for more in-depth look at SIMS 2, Meiers SPORE, the release of Age of Conan and hopefully Disciples 3.

My re-ignition for the love of table-top gaming, since Gygax's passing and my revival of the 2nd Ed rules game!

Starting a Gym next month - for sure!
Got a friend lined up to help me get started. I'm trying to motivate myself but taking monthly pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror. Hopefully the embarrassment will keep my going.
Seriously.

Saving up for a new computer OR a trip to Thailand. Hopefully both.

STILL waiting for the people at Amazing Race: Asia 3.
Yes, yes - I'll be patient.

ALSO waiting for my friend to get back to me on the personal art projects we were to get started on and motivate ourselves to finish by investing in each others work. ... ... ...

Having the most emotionally crushingly romantic daydreams out of nowhere - at random over the past week.
I just tell myself, I'll indulge in them. No more moping about fantasies, just ride it through and keep it where it is. A fantasy.
Healthy, yes?

Actually feeling like I can do some better illustrations in a long time.

---
Ponderance

So where does that leave me?

What am I waiting for, where am I waiting?
Why do I feel like I am ... in the wings for something. Not necessarily greater but pertinent to wherever I am, whenever I am. I know this doesn't sound coherent and I am probably rambling.
But maybe this is natural state for me.
Like for everyone else out there to which we expect better or more out of life?
or maybe its for those of us, who are never sated by our own life experiences, which is not altogether bad.
Maybe we need to strive to find ways to fulfill it.
Maybe thats what makes the journey worth it.

Maybe ...

Have you asked yourself today, what you did that made you happy?

---
Prose

Hickory, Dickory, Tock
Three mice wandered a clock.
All blind, all cold, they all were told.
To run up the clock at one.

Hickory, Dickory, Tock
We men of the world, took stock
Our lives run amok, never do what we're told.
And the clock fell upon us at one.

---
Supreme Indulgence -

I just realized what specific sort of guys i like.

Sigh - the following three ...
They all have a wicked sense of humour.
A mischievous streak to their nature.
Ken is also a screenwiter!
Nathan is a Sci-Fi Buff!
James passionate about his sports!

Could I just mish-mash them all into the perfect guy .... (( sigh ))

Blow Hot, Suck Cool

2008-03-17T14:36:00.005+08:00

----

Just 'cause
Nothing seems fair. I know, I like telling myself that occasionally. There's a whole, sound truth to it, because it equally questions 'What is 'fair?"
I'll cut myself off, but answering ... "The opposite of dark".
It keeps me happy in small doses about my life.

Icy Work
Basically thats how I feel about work. Milking out the hours and pay for all I can - while feeling little for the craft.
Not the kindest of environments, and getting less and my favourite people are gradually seeping out into the world away from this current workplace. Maybe I'll do some good - perhaps ... there'll be something that catches my eye fleetingly so, enough to keep up the ember sparks of creativity.
But like sparks, it flares too small, too infrequent and too feeble in the wind.

Hot flashes

... of love. I know it sounds maniacally and certifiably insane.
but it happened.
I've been having new dreams lately. Really romantic ones. Sensual and romantic minus the clouded passion of lust. Just tenderness ...

I'm too young for hot flashes!

Poetry in Motion
I'm still waiting - kinda excitedly for them to tell me when the Poetry Slam meet is.
I want an tangible date to look forward too, since I feel like I'm on the verge of writing again. I need somethings to realize it, like a cooling mold for hot metal slag.

2nd Ed. Dungeons & Dragons
Its good.
Its a revival and its revitalizing.
Thank you ...

Impatience
COMEONYOUDARNPEOPLEATAMAZINGRACEASIA3HURRYUPWITHTEHRESULTS!!!

---

Warning: this product has nasty side effects

2008-03-11T12:09:00.004+08:00

----

Bad Day
Just having a crappy mood.
Crappy day – whatever.

Started last night.

Felt totally bummed out because one of my artpieces was reported as violating the ToS for their website. Which is cool – even if I borderline skirted the violation anyways.
But mainly it was the reason that bummed me out.
It was something along the lines of “Copying another artists work…”

That had me angry for a flash then terribly insulted because I had just spent a chunk of my time (an hour or two) on just doing the face of the image.
I wanted to improve my art. I normally try and I finish a whole piece in one sitting under 2 hours because it gets tiring since I sit in front of computer all day only to go home and spend more time in front of my computer doing art work which I love.

Sigh.

Then my Dad gets on my back by being “helpful”.
Cutting out newspapers clippings of NEW jobs offers. Did I mention, he writes little notes of the sides of the A4 paper sheets that he neatly pastes the individual articles on?
Notes about when would be a good time to apply, etc …

And soon after, starts an argument on the phone with my Mom

And then traffic has to suck in the morning, but I’m used to that.

Printer calls while driving on my way to work. I need to rush to the office and get them the colour print code that they forget to confirm with me when they met me the evening before to show me the proofs.

At my desk, some schuck left front door open all morning apparently. So I’m swatting with my barehands every few minutes to catch ALL the DAMN mosquitoes plaguing my desk!!! I sit closest to the entry way, closest to the door and the heat from my computer is keeping them from roaming deeper into the rest of the office.

BUT

Let’s at least have one good thing to announce today.

I got a surprising e-mail from my facebook. They’ve invited me to participate in KL’s second Poetry Slam.
Wow …. Just wow ….
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry_slam

And a friend offered to help me out getting started at the gym again :p
When I join next month of course. :D

---

Gygax

2008-03-05T12:08:00.002+08:00

I saw this one Penny Arcade comics in memory of Gary Gygax.
And I decided to make one now, at work.
It be nice know each one of us has met, played, fought a red dragon and to count each one into a fleet of red dragons who would mourn his passing.
This is my red dragon.

- - -

In Memory of Gary Gygax, Father of Role-Playing (Table-Top)
1938 - 2008

I remember my first Gnome Rogue 20 years ago. Created at level one, died at level one. I hope he makes good company for Gygax in ‘The Seven Heavens’.

To a great GM, who’s passing most aptly departs this world on GM’s day to tnother world. He will be missed and he legacy will live on.

A few words: Gaming inspired me to read. To learn more than what school curriculum books had to offer. It was a gift that could be passed on and cherished through the years. It helped me feel included into a world where children and awkward teenagers often felt excluded. It made me appreciate my rich fertile imagination. Thank you.

Keep Rolling.

- -- ---

Links:

RPG NET
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=382650

CNN Online
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/03/04/obit.gygax.ap/index.html

EN-World (Gaming with Gary)
http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=204729

Giant in the Playground (OOtS)
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0536.html

YAHOO News
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080304/ap_en_ot/obit_gygax

Wizards of the Coast
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/welcome

- -- ---

Up, up and Away! Its a Protein Bar!

2008-02-25T11:19:00.004+08:00

-----

First things Ahoy!

We're all up and applied. Barring any bad delays (please please please let me make the deadline which is today), and I sent the package by DHL last week. As long as it doesn't get lost or my registered race partner and I didn't screw up in out application, its out of our hands.
It would suck not being able to make it because of the disqualification like misinformed applications, incomplete entries or over the 3 - minute video limit.
Which reminds me ... its on YouTube!

--- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eekJx9X4dlQ ---

And thank god I disabled public comments posting, the pieces of crap commentary I've filtered. I half expected shitheads to post and humanity has reassured me there are real shitheads out there ... That and a healthy dose of people who believe their words are smarter, more observant and more valid that others.
All I can say is that, until they've the gumption to try actually try it out for themselves or see how difficult enough to put the effort into applying, there really are validating themselves very well. And I'm putting it as mildly as I can now.

And for everyones information - Vince is a really good friend and I want to thank his long time boyfriend, Brian (Oh gawd, has it been like .... years since they've been together!) - for helping us film us.

---

Work

So work has been a bit of a pester.
Then again, I've been trying to do some of my work early by a month to make the coming months lighter in workload. Sigh - pay now, enjoy later?

Budget

Ok, so the pay hasn't changed.
Job offers aren't rolling in and the one that I've found - its still in KL (Ampang and otherwise), but thats' really still the problem. One of the main reasons I want to change jobs is the distance (which eats a huge hole in my budget!).
Followed by wanting to work for a profit-based company again. There' are pro's here but they are kept ub check by the wasted time in traffic and money in petrol and tolls.
On Chap Goh Meh last Thursday, I intentionally left work a half hour early to make Reunion Dinner and still got home 2 hours late ...
Bah - Hum - Bug ...
And I just filed for taxes ...
And I need to vote ...
My darn annual car payments (insurance) is coming soon - which makes me wonder if the money I've saved will help me purchase a laptop ? new computer + out-coming fav MMO / AgeofConan? an actually holiday trip to Thailand? a nest egg for whatever freaky emergency that might emerge later?

On the other hand, I've actually managed to save three times as much as I usually do this month! Thanks to it being a SHORT month and CNY.

---

Year of the Gym Rat

And as a promise to myself - I will be joining a gym after my birthday ... in ... I was gonna say a couple of days, but its crept up way too fast - Tomorrow in fact.
I'm reassuring myself not to worry - that I've actually budgeted for it.
But to be honest, its a 70/30 that I'll keep payments. But it needs to be done.

I'm starting to not like myself - yes, its the dip in the sine/co-sine wave again. But I seem to be taking it better without a lot less drama than in my teenage youth sans the reckless emotional abandon (which I nostalgically miss).
And to some degree, I know that going to the gym again will help me deal with things, especially myself. I always thought I'd be disillusioned going to the gym before with all the wonderfully hard work of the people there to look good and feel healthy. Ranging from the heath conscious to the vapid gay poster boys of the city.
But I didn't.
As long as I knew what I was there for - I felt good.
And thats a feeling that doesn't come by very often.

----
Prose

Writ and write
no longer defines
the phrases and turn
of words refine
no moss for rolling stones.

Tide and pride
tilt high and low
Tally sins and glory
Tell me to go.

That does it! Racing for time!

2008-01-30T11:03:00.000+08:00

----

Fate
Okay – something has to had happened.
At least by now.

Is it that time of year again?

I’m gonna be quitting this city’s job in a couple of months, which experience had taught me anything can be over in a flash. Then the whole worry of where money would be coming in will begin to annoy me again.

So what do I have to lose when I’m making this next decision.

Nothing that I haven’t’ already had, considered, would have, risked already.
Besides buying a lottery ticket on my birthday and hoping I will strike RM 4 mil. Richie rich like this other dude from a couple years back who played for the first time.

Karma
So … here’s to whether the Piscean or the Equine will win out this Rodentia year. Or at least strike a mutual beneficial bargain!

Race
Yes … I will applying to the AXN Asia’s Amazing Race.
… if I can find an idiot who’s willing to take the risk with me.
That is if by the slimmest of chances we even make it to the final selection round. Chances are even if I make it to be one the 10 teams from Asia to compete, I’ll still be happy to be the first few eliminated – at least I got to see a few countries (LOL)!!! ... and you only turn 30 once.

Modelloid
And even though I’m not the biggest fan of his …
Be within touching distance of the physically hunky Allan Wu.
Hey, I may have little respect for him (since I don’t know him) – but DAMN! He’s a hottie McHottie Hunk! And that goes especially to what seems to be his intelligent gait and demeanor. That’s turns me on!
_ sigh _ which is why I try to avoid guys like him … coz I know I’ll make all the wrong decisions if I got anyone like him.

Grief
But enough about that – I have issues.

Sic.
Kinda feeling turquoise all over, not quite green with envy.
Knowing so many people doing stuff I wish I could and hen mildly feeling flaked over cause I wasn’t part of it by proxy of being their ‘assumed’ friend.
I guess that reminds me of how much of an acquaintance I’ve been to anybody I meet most of the time.
Or I don’t fit the glamour-kin profile. (( sigh ))

Closing Time
I've barely saved what I wanted to save this month even though I've cut on expenses and half my lunches (by D'oh, not eating) and eating at home and not out.
Hating it.

---

Celebs Passing By

2008-01-24T11:16:00.000+08:00

---

Quiet on the front.

Although I got wind of the news of Heath's (ledger) passing early on - I got informed through a news feed through an artists gallery forum I'm part of, - I believe I was more stunned by another celebrity passing the week before.

But in proper order first;

Brad Renfro - July 25, 1982 – January 15, 2008 (aged 25)

Heath Ledger - April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008 (aged 28)

---

Both promising.
Both found dead in their homes, in their bed ... on a tuesday.
Both suspected cause of death by drugs (abuse, overdose, accidental) Tox reports are only only released in public 6 - 8 weeks after. Autopsies begin around 2 - 4 days after discovery. Kind of - i may be inaccurate about this.

Renfro seemed to be the more tragic (life, acting discovery and circumstance) to me - but its in the past now, so I won't ponder about it.
'The Cure' was one of my favourite movies of his, altho' 'The Client' was really his breakthrough performance. Picked up from the streets for auditions, he was, ya know :D

Just a journal post to mention this thats all.

---

Arden of Shakespearo

2008-01-17T10:34:00.000+08:00

---
Gasp!

Read on GUComics.com

" For a few months now the Zapper has been without zappees, but here at the beginning of the year it's really been cranked up. Yesterday, I had to decide whether to do a comic about Star Trek Online, or about the subject of today's comic "Arden: The World of William Shakespeare".

Arden is an MMO set in the 1600s featuring characters, surprisingly enough given the full title, from the works of the great bard. Edward Castronova, an associate professor of telecommunications and the creator of the game, "abadonned" the project and released it to the public as is. The game was funded by a $250,000 MacArthur Foundation grant and was meant to study economic theories. Castronov's reason for discontinuing development was simply "It's no fun".
Source: Technology Review [ more info ]

Now, it's an interesting idea for an MMO. And despite being meant to study economical theory it'll probably would have served as a great teaching tool or a study aid. But as Castronova admits himself, you need a bit more challenge to keep gamers engaged, if you're shooting to contend with some of the other huge MMOGs on the market.

The idea of making and MMO set within the works of a famous literature is an interesting one. Hopefully, Arden serves as a leaping point for other developers to attemp it and not as an example of "why it won't work"."

NOW THAT would have been an INTeresting MMO!!!
---

... I think I can ...

2008-01-16T14:17:00.000+08:00

-----

Games
This review pretty much sums up the update. And I was looking forward to either ... sort of.

" In recent months Perpetual Entertainment (Now called P2 Entertainment) has abandonned Gods & Heroes (despite being near completion), liquidated their assets, became embroiled in a legal battle with their PR firm Kohnke, and have now decided not to continue development on the much anticipated MMO Star Trek Online.
Source: Destructoid [ more info ]

Our pals at WarCry are reporting that the license and content for the game have been passed on to another developer, the code however has not. [ more info ] Now, I'm not an MMO developer myself, but it would seem to me that sets the project back significantly. And where that doesn't exactly mean the game has been zapped, for the time being it might as well be. " - GUComics.com

and from the Official website. Related news on the front

"BioWare Corp. Licenses Perpetual Entertainment's Online Technology Platform for Upcoming MMO Game June 28, 2007 - BioWare's Austin studio has licensed Perpetual's online technology platform for an upcoming Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) title. The agreement gives BioWare - the company best known for their award-winning Baldur's Gate™ and Neverwinter Nights™ series, as well as the 2003 Game of the Year, Star Wars®: Knights of the Old Republic™ - the platform to deploy and support its online titles utilizing Perpetual's industry-leading technology for online game operations, deployment, infrastructure development, and community support." - http://www.perpetual.com/

I'll just have to wait and see now ...

---

Cosmic

Horror-scopes
Seriously. my Chinese horse sign bodes slightly ill fated for the year, and the Western fish sign is optimistic at best. Both the Yin / Yang - Eastern / Western embodiments of my fate in the stars and planets always clash every year.
Stuck between blessed good fortune and hellspawn pits of despair.
I'm never gonna get anywhere with this now, am I?

Altho' both say its a decent chance of meeting someone special this year if I'm single - wait for it, there's a catch. .... even if its going to be a short relationship. Iffy on the job front.

GAKKKKHHH!!!

Lust
I'm very tempted to engage in anynomous sexual encounters all readily available on the net, rampant in the city and the niches of gay KL / PJ.
Tempted. Even if my head knows better ... yes, the one on my neck.

Reset
My mode is on.
Cleared up cluttering emails, in 2 very messy accounts. Not sure if I'm able to recover the Yahoo ones. Those may be lost causes by now.
Including my one special Art Acct, which is linked on the side anyways.

Books
...and I've picked up reading again ... (shhhhhh)

---

Cylon-ic Space Ic-on

2008-01-15T11:48:00.000+08:00

---

Catching up
... with movies! I've yet to see Brokeback Mountain.
Even after hearing so much about it, reading the reviews and all the grateful things its done for some rural individuals who couldn't connect or identify to their feelings out in the sparse prairesque landscape. Sort of inspiring for its time.
And its about time I resolve to watch it.

Reset Button
After hearing someone talk about Sailor Moon (him being an avid fan, I have a feeling I only got the tip of the iceberg rundown in that half hour), I can't help but wonder if we could all use a 'reset' button like ... Sailor Saturn.
She's considered rather unremarkable in terms of Sailor powers but she has this one thing, this ability, this force to completely annihilate the galaxy so that Sailor Moon may rebuild it.
I sometimes daydream if I had a way to completely reset my entire life to another existence.
Another birth, another country, another way.
To start from a clean slate.

Like so many who wish the same thing, even for a second no matter what state of lie you're in. Its an almost morbid curiousity to wonder what it would have been like, which pretty much means wondering what its like to completely and utterly let go of your current life.
If I had a reset button, I guess I would trade it for the world.

Then reset.

Tempted much
Like Chocolate. I want to be terrifyingly vapid knowing that too much could kill me. But like chocolate, in small doses it good for the heart ... and soul.

Budget
Fire and Stinkin' Rain! I hate this like Budgies hate snakes.
Trying to save enough to pay any annual fee's that will pop up in the middle of the year. Which will pop up no doubt and I better have some ready cash.

Gym
Been whining about it forever. Have to take in account of time, location and budget. Although as an alternative, there's probably loads of yummy guys, I've a feeling it'd be more stress-reliving than window-watching. Or ... both, it don't have to be mutually exclusive I suppose.

Argh!

Reviews
'In the name of the King' was rated lower than 'Gigli' internationally. Well to sources, like 'metacritic' and r'ottentomatoes'.
Now I HAVE to watch it.
'Jarum Halus' has a bunch of acquaintances I know. Guess I'd be curious to watch that.
Next month.

Chinese New year
Yes yes ... its coming.
Which means more to spend in coming preparation - oh groan!
And every year it seems to grow smaller and smaller, less grandiose for me. I'm not sure its a perspective thing, like how everythings bigger as a kid.
Maybe its because its more conservative budgets now, as the country seems to be metaphorically sinking into a mild economic recession. Inch by inch, every year, slowly. As prices go up EVERYWHERE except for my paycheque.
Families are growing smaller too with each passing death.
it'll pick up again I suppose, as my cousins are all getting pregnant and giving birth over the last 2 years or so.

So the cycle begins again.

Reset.
---

Art, come back to me.

Shell - phone - home

2008-01-09T15:15:00.001+08:00

---

Food Critique
Dammit! I did it again, I ate (slightly) spicy Malay food. Well, everything was kind spicy so there was choice, but not 'non-spicy' ones.
Looks like the tummy's gettin' all old on me too.

Trailers
'Cloverfield' looks interesting. Read the synopsis / spoiler. Reads fun, looks like a couple fun looking guys in it too.
There's goes RM 10 - 14 depending on where I watch it (excluding parking costs).

Music
So far RadioBlogSpot has been really fun to introduce me to bands, artistes I've never heard but seem really cool!
All I do is type in roughly whatever artiste I wanna hear (eg. frente, pink, chevelle) and at random choose one son that links me to a HUGE personalised album of another person which includes artists and songs I haven't heard of before but most sound realllllly COOL!
i.e. I've found some nice tyler hilton duets, mylene farmer, dandy wharhols, musical la roi soleil, etc ...
Yea for other people's albums which are random to me!

Sex
I'm fluctuating between 'Whatever, I can do with for none for awhile' - 'Gah! I'm so horny, I wonder how many times a day I can whack off!'.
Its pathetic.

Pattern
Trying ... mucho TRYING to catch up on work at work. So far ... I'm catching up, which is ALREADY GOOD !!!
Now we'll see how long this stretch will last.

Gaming Geek Update
Still hoping when Neverwinter Nights 2 : GOLD (hopefully includes the Mask of Betrayer expansion) comes out, it won't kill my computer.
Not to mention - March 2008 when Age of Conan MMORPG too which I'm been following up on for 2 years now since I quite WoW.

4Th Ed. DnD will just have to wait ... bah!

I must try and ignite / refuel my passion for gaming. I think its been in a slump as well.
Art and Gaming used to go hand in hand as I visualised everything in my head and was tempted to draw it all out.

If anything goes full circle this year, please let it be that.
Art & Gaming.

---

Granulais

2008-01-08T16:08:00.000+08:00

Grains of sand
---

Test

Let's see how many people read my blog (Lollerskates!)

Work

I'm preparing to leave after my one year here.
I've ... thought a bit about it, and I've realized with me, I get over-involved sometimes, much the othe exclusion to everything else.

Life

I've not drawn or illustrated anything since I began this stretch of work which makes it ... ONE YEAR!
So it seems if I were to focus - its as if, the rest of my life dissolves away into a blur.
Now I want to get back into the ring of sorts and start doing .... something personal, which means, my work has currently suffered as of late.

Barring personal issues (family and related) - I'm trying to wonder whether I can do something it this year.

Shit! I almost hate myself (and of all times, when I'm close to hitting 30).
I get involved in one thing and the rest start to fal apart, then when I try and "Buck Up", "Catch up" or whatever ... things start to flounder as Murphy's La oft states 'If something can go wrong, it WILL go wrong".

So where does that leave me.

Hopefully
- Working closer to home
- Less time travelling, more time for myself and my art
- Less expenses on travel, more to meet up with friends and track acquaintances

At least, thats what I'm crossing my fingers for.

---

[L]ucky D:ucky Cr'zy

2008-01-04T12:36:00.000+08:00

I don't chat

---

Chatter*box*

At least not of the online variety. Something about it twinges on the borders of Scary and Impersonal for me. Maybe its sheer voluminous potential to misread, misconstrue my words because intention is ill-dressed and nuances are barely conveyed in simple written hastily constructed sentences meant to mimic actual conversation.

In an email, there is more forethought and proper construction and consideration for the text. In letter-writing more so, especially since the handwriting lends more character, depth and in-between lines subtlety.
In a conversation, we have body language, pauses to gauge discomfort, inflection and tone.
In the mad hashed-up world of online chatting which coalescences conversational writing at its worst ... everything can do wrong.

I used to get every chat programme thinking I could just get into the vibe of connections with acquaintances in the faint hope of making a tonnage of friends (acquaintances) ... I don't anymore.
They lie idle ... and I've pretty much forgotten my first ICQ number. Although I'd probably recognize if I were to see the sequence of numbers again.

Call me moldy that way.

I do however, SMS, MMS stuff. But if it turns conversational with more than 3 text exchanges between us - I dial in the number.
If you're free enough to text that much, I figure - you're free enough for a phone conversation.

---

M:ink

The show Miami Ink is starting to grow on me.
It gets into a droning pattern like most shows after awhile, but since I'm only catching it occasionally when I remember to turn on the TV, its still fun!
I can see why too much of it can get horribly depressing but me likes the art!

---

Drudgery

Oh yes ... its starting to settle in.
At work.
It the same all over the years. I'd loathe to admit it but it happens. Maybe I'm just not cut out for a desk job.
I ... never mind.
I suppose many people have seen it in different ways, this pattern of mine.
Wants Change of Creative environment (shifting) - Quits too soon and at everythingn
Needs Constant Stimuli - Lack of endurance and drive (and ambition while we're there)

Pro's and Con's, darkness and light.

So its strange that in the last few weeks, I've been described as 'hard-working' when for others I've been 'demotivated' and 'lazy'.
I admit to both at this juncture.
I feel great in short bursts of work which is probably why I love freelance work (as long as I can get more of them, enough to supplement an actual income).
And I also feel better if it were or someone else.

Let me try to explain it to myself in written word. The best time I've felt doing design or creative work was when I knew I was doing it for someone else that didn't hire me. Like when helping out a friend or contributing to someone else's work. Lack of self entitlement to the piece but knowing I got to contribute to the whole makes me feel tingly.
Its the secret knowledge in knowing, I helped. Love joint projects and collaborations.
Those times gave me joy in solace.
... and then I move on.

Not the most practical I know, and if nothing else sounds totally matyrdomic (if there were a word to describe it) and nomadic in a sense.

---

Mobility

Crave.
Like people need options. Do we want options or do we need them? I feel that we say we want options even if we always choose or do the same thing over and over again. Like picking a bad boyfriend. The options give us comfort whether bad or good.
I don't go deeper than that because I'm trying to behave and not supra-analyze so much this year.
Its strange to be curious and practicing acceptance on so many levels but end up analytical over it anyways.

---

Pointy end

So where does that leave me 53 days away from thirty.
Knowing that I do best in impermanence, a dangerous state for anybody. Although I am reminded there is consistency even in inconsistency but thats digressing.

Who? is willing to put up with this wanky behavior in a relationship
Where? am I headed
What? am I to do
How? did I get here
Why? is it important

---

Because I cannot remember and forget

2008-01-02T15:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know where to begin.

Guess that means, its as good as anywhere.

Happy New Year: 2008.
Let's hope it gets better with age.

---

I don't know how many 'fresh' starts one can take before it become stale upstarts. I feel like I'm recycling moldy bread everytime I console myself. not sure how to explain things less than metaphoric right now.

I feel like I'm making decisions in the dark. Blind and unthinking, nervous and almost uncaring with everything bound and stapled under the folder named 'Responsibility'. Nothing makes enough sense to follow through.

My place in the grand scheme of gets myopic and worse.
And the idealized pressure to be 30 and an asian guy places me in a position to 'become'.
Become more established in my career, my job, my livelihood.
Become steady on the road to some financial stability in light of aged adulthood.
Become less frivolous about life, having dreamt and sweated it out in the 20s.
Become sure in love.
Become independant.
Become everything I'm suppose to.

If I met myself a few years ago right now, I'd call me a hypocrite.
Which is odd, considering I've worked hard for my formative years consciously trying to remove as much hypocrisy from my truths.
Too old to take chances, because I don't pass the acceptable and stated 'terms and conditions age requirement'.

I've taken a sad trip into myself, wondering if I'm only there to visit, knowing I've lost my exit pass. The weather is terse, humid and taut all at once. Allow some clarity, some lucid insight. Layman-wise.

---

I'm coming to a year in this theatre house.
1 year already. the 4 th of April being D-day.
Its part of my password at work. A reminder of how long I've stuck it through.
Nothing to hate to work here, but its costing far too much to work here and expenses have a funny way of working like termites in a wood mill.

Its also times like this, my mind retreats to fins solace in memories that can only bring comfort as I remind myself, noting can being me back to change my decisions in the past.
David.
I'm the age he met me some 10 years ago.
I don't know if I think any differently about things between us but there wasn't much chance was there. Thats the most punishing things about memories, they can't age. They can fade and die forgotten but when you see them ... they never age and it creates his haunt in your heart. It inspires, amuses, and horrifies you in every way it can.
The torment of remembering immortality.
Lordy lord, I miss the guy.
I miss ... the possibility.

---

I've yet learnt to cook gourmet meals or follow a cookbook.
I've yet learnt to speak in sign (language) again.
I've yet learnt to be free and abandoned with romance.
I've yet to become.
Become free-willed.
Become bound by fate.
Become content with being caught in between.

At this rate, I'm never going to be able to ... damn it, I forgot what I was about to type.
Signs of aging I hear (and I jest less casual and more sober than before).

Now, let's stop here for today.
Yes, I need more frequent stops for rest now, in between life, to prepare for life.
And let's just hope ... the next time I get up, I'm going somewhere.

---

Prose

Living in panic with a glass eye and a glass jaw.
Allergic to punches.
Cheating at pool with two red balloons.
No happy true truth but the lies you tell yourself.

Wilter and wilted

2007-11-29T11:14:00.000+08:00

----

Toil
Do I not work enough?
Sometimes it feels like the universe is telling me that much.

Wilted
I guarantee this is how I'm feeling inside. How shell-like my skin and appearance to the outside world feels.

Not quite dead yet.

Dead End
I should have expected this to be where my job is.
But I tell myself it'll make a great portfolio. And it most likely will. If I can stand it for a year.
Or shorter.
I don't know.

Will have a meeting shortly with my Boss (Dato' Faridah') concerning a relatively large complaint with a regular client (paul Loosley) who's severely unsatisfied with my performance. And thats probably putting it mildly for him.
I'm certain the director (paul L) took it badly when I walked away from him in his mid-sermon to me, but I did so only after he asked me "Aren't you ashamed of the stuff you're putting out?"

Yea ... well ...

Will 411 you guys later.

---

You are a Serious Date

Your dating philosophy?
"Dating is for finding a compatible partner"
You're not so concerned with how you date...
As much as where the relationship ends up.

Guys to look for:
Men who write a good bit about what they're looking for.
Not only does it show that they are serious about dating as well -
But that they've already put a good deal of thought in to it.

What Kind of Dating Diva Are You?

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get.
And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Percussive Echoes

2007-11-27T11:59:00.000+08:00

-----

Return to Sin
Its back.
With the advent of the rain. There’s been a dry spell for the past 2 weeks or a month. I’m not certain now but its back today. A full of day dew, gloom and wetness.
And like a attention-mongering step-child, so has my lusterless negativity.
I don’t know what else to name it.
Negativity.

Rut and Ruin
I feel chased all the time lately. Self-imposed I’m sure, but life cripplingly real. Its getting to me. The traveling distance to KL and USJ.
I’ll just get it out of the way – lots of people travel and work, perhaps further than I and for less pay and probably with more drive, verve and need that I do. But I’m not them not do I aspire to be alike. There – out of the way.

A few things to have had pondered over without much resolved success, maybe never so.
I dislike having spent so many hours in my car from day travel and night travel. I spend about … 3 – 4 hours daily in my car. Which wouldn’t be so much the issue, if the time spent wasn’t mostly done sitting in the traffic jams.
To avoid it, I remain behind at work late
(whether there is work is irrelevant because I’d stay late anyways, if there was … but sometimes it isn’t necessary. Its stuff I can or should do the day after)
So I can spend more time at the office than I need to.
I’m not built to work 6 days a week. Maybe if it were closer to home, but its not and its playing with my mind. Only so many hours to recuperate, recover and enjoy my time in between weeks.

Routinuity
I lack appetite, I lack sleep. I can’t seem to bother with either very effectively. I think sometimes, I’d want a vice like smoking or drinking. Because its something to do – rather than this need for limbo.
I think I hate doing more than what I can or am supposed to at work.
Some may thrive in these environments and challenges. I think I’ve established I cannot. I challenge myself in other ways and to actually … thrive or grow in it. Perhaps not.

Stagnation has always been a problem for me before and it happens often enough that I should be able to see the signs months ahead.

Occupational Hazard
I realize, I’m not motivated by career. I just want enough. Just enough. I was never very ambitious to begin with and maybe ambition does scare me a little.
I want some neat savings but I would abhor the pressure of the affluent, even if it is a matter of perspective.
I’m approaching or maybe already there (gay years tend to worry faster), where one begins to consider the rest of his life as a pattern. A way of living if you will. At 30 – this is how you should already have or should have been deciding how you life. Where you plan years ahead of time … where stability and finances becomes your primary goal (if you’re a burb or urban dweller living by your own means).

Family begins to count into your finances.
Either your own or your relatives.

And death visits your life more often.

Change of Fate
Perhaps a change in environment.
Or should I already have been through that stage in my early – mid 20s.
Change of mind … sometimes I change them as often as the seasons. The inconsistency of things become predictable but varyingly unpredictable in execution.

A new country … I am still considering Canada.

A new job … I would like to stay my hand at copywriting give the chance but the sad truth is I’m going to be hired by my trained and experienced profession rather than anything new to the industry (at aged 30).

A new life, seems too improbable since family seems to grow exponentially greater in terms of duty and obligation as the months pass into years.

Nested Cracked Eggs
So where does that leave me?
Square – octagon – nonagon one.
A vague idea of what I want when I should probably already know.
And little to obstacle-riddled means to get there, wherever that is.
I can’t seem to go back – because once you grow up … well, there’s no turning back is there, short of mental injury and aggressive regressive therapy.

---

"Save me ..." - Baywatch

Rain and Shine

2007-11-23T18:07:00.000+08:00

---

Glee
I've kinda happy with myself. Just a wee bit mind you.

Reconnect
I've gotten in touch with 2 cute guys, and yes, though I'm tempted as in the past to just look lustily at them and indulge in fantasies which will REMAIN in my head ... I'm glad I can see them as friends and good people.
Yea for not giving up on really cute contacts!
I've called some from my old cellphone contact list (annual number cleaning) - and so far, there a few bites.
'Happy Happy Joy Joy' as an old friend used to claim.
And my oh my - they're looking hot as ever, I mean ... attractive, yea ... thats it.

Work
Been a bit slow but I'm getting into the spirits of picking things up. Albeit also slowly, but hey, better late than never. An excuse I use far too often much to my chagrin.
But I try ...

Parlour tricks
Occasionally I still wonder if I had magic powers or something to use in the real world. Nothing too big or fancy but ... well useful and discreet. I know, I know, in the end everything magickal ot otherwise supernatural is always too big for this world anyways.
But its nice to imagine.

Shout out
A short bowing to my dear friend, Vince, who didn't get his job confirmation.
Here's looking for much better job anyways, Fvck them!

---

Carrying a Big White Sign

2007-11-21T15:34:00.000+08:00

-----

Headway
I believe I've made some headway since ... oh 2 years ago. Yes, it is that time of year toward year end where most tend to turn inward ourselves and evaluate or take stock of what we've done, gone through, dated or dumped.

I've gon someways. I don't know if its the ... better way or if this is the better road of choices that I've walked on - but I guess we'll never know. I'll just have thanks for the little blessings, like I haven't fallen too ill at all this year, I've suffered no trauma, I'm not bankrupt ...

What is the road not taken, when I already on the one. Paltry musings.

Bobbing for apples.
Is like Bobbing for sin for fun.
Well, not really coz an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

So my family and I await a death of an aunt. A family friend who's grown so close for many of us that she may as well be blood related. A good lifelong and dear friend to my late grandmother.

I hope all is well in heaven.
And that they've prepared a seat on the great celestial mah-jong table.

---

Reboot and Reloot

2007-11-20T17:50:00.000+08:00

---- Spring --- Fall ---

Feels like I'm skipping seasons in my life.
Akin to the phrase ' Where has the year gone ', except its missing chunks and phases.
I know where the year has been, but there are large gaps in between.
Paragraphs of banality and inconsequence in the book of my life.

I can easily find the path of need for greed.
Its gets clearer with age. The need for money. How interconnected the currency binds us to the way of living. At least at this stage of my life.
I should write memoirs of turning 30 soon enough. If it wasn't done before already, I'd pen it into a book and sell it for money.
There it is again, money ...

Moving ...
From phase to phase, I feel a little up-lifted today. Surprising. no? What one days worth of rest at home.
I had an intense allergy attack on Monday and didn't go to work.
The hours spent reading, lying in bed, playing old computer games ... although the result wasn't evident, seems to have spirited me a but more today at work.

Continents
I was thinking of discussing with my family soon the event of my place in the country.
I keep thinking, I'm here to stay - for my brother, for family, for the obligations of a new car, work and hopefully a place of my own.
Or maybe ... if the discussion happens.
Make a place in Canada. I have family there after all, but its ... going to be weird I think to consider moving there if my parents and brother are here.
Don't I have to stay and help?
Its one of these silent struggles I'm tackling with now.
It would be easier for me to go there on my own (apply as a working individual).

Relationships
Yup, gonna swear them off for a bit.
Or awhile.
So I'm on the market for meaningless physical relationships now. Just something more primal - without ties, connections or string attached. Snap the strings of the marionette of commitment.
Yea ... I hope this'll work out for the coming year.

---

Prose

No man is a no mad.
No mad woman is furious.
Furious as the monthly flame.
Flame of a queen thats inside.
In side of the cold dish.
Cold dish is best served.
To no man.

Sucked Six Below

2007-11-15T11:13:00.000+08:00

---

Lamentations
I've written of this before, I'm certain. But its comes to pass once again.
An dear aunt who's been treasured in my family for most of my remembered life is on her deathbed. Cancer is attacking the bones, I'm told.
At her age, there's little we can go but wait.

So there it is.
The Annual Death Toll is collected.
Every year, a relative passes on. And though I've said to myself and to others (and heard it from them too) - I am of that age where these things happen.
Well ... its not something can prepare for or look forward, much less guard against every time it happens.

How now, aging cow?

Connections
I'm pretty sure this state of mind will seep into most aspects of my life, of particular notice will be my work.
I'm on the verge of saying 'tough luck', but this sort of family thing gets to me all the time.

I always did wish as a kid I wasn't truly related by blood to anyone. All the better to detach or severe myself whenever I need to. I don't wish them ill or death, just a selfish ease for myself to get things by.

Its true
... what I've read about me. In some cosmic collection of Western and Eastern astrology - the Horse always needs the open (at least the opportunity or the window open), and the Fish cannot stay too long in one place or stagnant in doing so.
It applies mentally and emotionally, I guess.

To survive,need I move on? ... Escape?
It is braver to stand and fight or to choose to live another day?

Or is this simply a weird eventually of me turning 30 in a few months.

---

Prose

What kind of relation can I establish with the modern world if I can't figure out how to use modern day devices?
How disconnected can one be, in the world thats growing smaller digitally every new tech-savvy release?
I fear that one day, I will use a mouse and choke the poor rodent to death wondering why it squeaks when I click it, or linger in amazement at the size of the spider's nest to be able to build a world wide web for the layman to surf on.
I feel like that sometimes.
It's difficult being the only parrot with short term memory.
I will ponder on the fact as I continue working the phones.
I need this job, and its the only one I'm good at.
Employee of the month.
At the Microsoft Help Centre.

Snail on a couch

2007-11-14T14:50:00.000+08:00

I feel you.

---

No, but yea, but no ... but yea.

Yes ... my brain, willpower, self-belief and passion feel like meat patties now, on a grill, on a fire, in a picnic, out for lunch.

Crap.

I'm of a sound mind (fettering to unsound soon enough) - that I should have taken a week off after the major workload in August.
I didn't.
And its catching up to me ... in parsecs.
Bit by bit.
Everyday now.
Until I take off. So ... just how do I explain this to my bosses? How does anyone ???

---

Flattering Flame to a Moth

2007-11-13T16:50:00.000+08:00

-----

Change of heart
So I had a chat (to catch up on each other) with my ex, Josh / Lewis last night.

And I'm changing my perception. I mean, to say - perhaps I have all along, slowly and surely but I'm pretty sure he summed it up pretty well by example what my current leanings are.

Gay relationships, or rather the nature of them are not what they are ideally anymore. At least not in practise here. Its really no longer about monogamy (Asia), and the average gay man doesn't believe in the tenets of a binding relationship.
The closest is to have a boyfriend but still maintain lovers.
Or threesomes, or orgies, or explicit sex with strangers without your partner present (but knowing).

Is that what the new gay youth are growing to believe if current practise has anything to do with it.
Keep fucking, but hope for love meanwhile. .... sigh ...
There's no such thing as a gay relationship lasting beyond 5 years, it just isn't possible in Asia ... its a myth ...

Fact: Straight asian men are commonly having male-to-male sex but still identify as straight because they're just having 'gun' whilst still fulfilling duties to their marriage, wives and children.

So where does that leave me?

Given my current state of mind and affairs and the promise I made to myself.

Yea ... its time to break the fairy tale on its 'happily ever after'.

On the Side
I've offered to help out cute theatre student on his exam piece.
Should be fun. And I've yet to try and make-up for the lost make-out sessions.
It'll come ...

Work
I'm ... how to explain this?

Its like I'm mourning something at work. Every time I try to work, or begin to concentrate, things unravel and it becomes more of a chore than usual. Hence my commentary about my state of mind and situation. Perhaps I have made my own personal working environment unhealthy.
My hand at work did this.
I killed what little joy there was to enjoy work here at theatre.
Its the slacking, its the supposed depression, its the procrastination, its the slump, the rut, the molasses of productivity. slug slug slug
Is my personal life acerbating work?

I'm hoping I break out of this soon. Please.

Reading

Yes, I can't believe it and it was a surprise to me when it was released. White Wolf Publications has re-written the wonderful world of Changeling (the Dreaming to the Lost).
Its different enough that it know it as NOTHING to do with the older oWoD book.

But its just as entrancing, darker and bright at the same time. Beautiful Madness.

And I just acquired it.
Yes ....

---

Prose

Muster the cluster of Courage, said Knight to River,
Save the Princess in the face of the Moon.
For she fled with her lover, North wind too soon.
Before he gave his heart to her on a platter, of silver.

Such things be told, the stories of horror.
Of gutting oneself and beastly terror.
Radiant feeble hope is elusive.
Like the lessons passed from parent to child, abusive.

Storm and Thunder

2007-10-26T14:44:00.000+08:00

---

Swept away by the Inevitable

For my blog absence, it’s a simple explanation.
I found facebook – or rather it found me.
Late as I may be to join the FB cult, it latches on quick, tight and deadly; and as the noose tightened, my online life seeped away. But I wouldn’t want to dwell on that here.
It’s the state of things that matter.

Work
With some glee and ennui, its remains constant. It’s a good thing, when all things are considered, altho’ I admit, I’m getting lazier by the day. But it happens everywhere that I begin to work. Job satisfaction is rare, but it gives the occasional boost to keep on grinding.

Photoshop CS3 (6 Nov)
Went to Mandatin Oriental Hotel, KLCC with an old friend, Mun Wai. Definitely worth the RM 15 carpark at KLCC (it was full at the hotel), overcrowded hall and reception and free admission.
The program gets more amazing with each application. It can incorporate BASIC sound files and animated / graphic video work. But the most impressive was (besides nicer interface) was … the application to read, edit and simple manipulation of 3D files.

Yes!
If I can ever afford the 4-digit price, now designers can maintain the market on perhaps, some interior dressing work and set design.

Relationships (6 Nov)

I changed the status quo from dating to friends with Derek.
It was much harder than I thought it’d be. Much, much more. But to my knowledge, it was never easy. Let’s hope friends works out better.
It just … didn’t work out – for me anyways, and if its not a 2-way road, its not a relationship.
I’m not certain it ended well, but it was late and perhaps we were cranky. There’s no perfect time to discuss and decide break-ups, should it be in the middle of a crisis or life. There’s no good time, and it had to be some time sooner than later.
I think I waited just a little too long.
I don’t know if there was a fog lifted but I have to begin getting a clearer vision or myself, and the person I want to ‘be’ and ‘be with’ in the years to come.
He wasn’t it.
He needs someone who can keep up with him, who can share his life with him - and that means everything that makes him who he is.
I wasn't the person.

I’ve learnt one thing if nothing else. I can’t do casual.
It either flirtation or a relationship for keeps.
I’ve never been very good at being moderate.
It’s a good reminder to oft tell myself to practice ‘Everything in moderation’ because it’s the hardest thing to do for me.

Reconnecting (oct - nov)
Priya K.
It was … almost like a reboot – to hear from hear (a phonecall from Penang: nov 6) yesterday night. She’s back in Penang for awhile with family. Its … good to know the thread still exists.
Colin K.
Well, I’m giving this the old heave ho’. (oct) Its hard to explain why I feel I want to reconnect with someone who’s perfectly able and well to never once expect to meet or greet again. But perhaps, I’m being selfish and wanting to tie any loose ends I have in my life.
Something … I can’t go about believing that people will always do the right thing even if its hardest when I can’t try my hardest.
If he’s willing to give me a chance, I’ll try and be a friend.
Its been awhile, maybe too long – but I got to try … until I can’t anymore.

Broken Promises
I broke my own promise.
I wouldn’t try and pursue any serious relationship. It appears than even causal ones can take its toll. I was suppose to begin working on myself but I think I’ve done very little to none.
Zilch.
Perhaps flirtation and all the perks of that, but I can’t handle another one. At least not now.
Of the most sacred, the promises to yourself are hardest to mend.

So where am I headed?

Stay tuned.

---

Prose

I hate to be alone.
It is not the fear that there will be no one to hear.
But the fear I would have to listen to myself.

Swinging Doors

2007-09-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

-------

Closing time
This past weekend Saturday was one of KL's earliest gay clubs closing night. It was decided they would have their swan song on their 5th year anniversary after 11 years of service to the LBGT community.
Well, sort of.
Although it started out as the risque 'ZigZag' (with its first all male stripper show) about 11 years ago that was reopened after being shut down (for the strip fest), as Liquid a year later I think. It was a bar and dance club.
Until it bought up the spaces above it and opened up Disco dance club and maintained Liquid downstairs as a bar and lounge. This expansion lasted for the last 5 years. With a prominent history and rocky lifespan, it slowly dwindled as recently flashier gay spots in the heart of KL opened up. Other venues over the recent years also opened up to mixed gay/straight nights of clubbing.
So this was their swan song. It wasn't even a packed night for a closing, much less a anniversary night. No more annual Mr Liquid parties, no more 'school' nights and foam parties in that space. It was a comfortable crowd but one would have expected a much grander crowd for closing night ...

As is, Disco dance club is closing and as announced, 'Liquid' will be moving to another location. Let's hope for the better.

Daring
On a whim, after an early night, after the club's swan song.
I went to a very well known gay cruising park somewhere in Cheras (it was called 'Lost World') with my friends and guides. I had never been there although I've heard a plenty about it. Oh it was a very NICE park indeed!
Although I must admit, I was terrible at cruising :( even with the aide of expert more experienced friends with me. but the walk at night was lovely in such a nice park.
I'll resign myself to the fact that any one of these one night stand / cruise / bathhouses type gay activities that I'm just no good at.

---

Prose

Revolving Revolutions.
We move full circle forward, which makes no sense.
Not to me, not to few others too I hope.
Or else I'd mope.
At the state of things.
At the state of government.
I'll weep and laugh in silent mirth and ironic humour.
And come full circle.
At least I can't step back, becuase it means I'l only moving forward.
Or is it the other way around.
Help me.

Muse Lovers

2007-09-08T13:04:00.000+08:00

---
Nothing fancy.
Just wanted to share two amazing new / latest singles from my books
of the most talented young male singer / songwriter / producers.
And yes, I would sleep with them in a heartbeat.

JC Chasez's "You Ruined Me" Alb: "Kate" Release: Summer 2007
Underrated composer / producer of the ex-famed N'Synx

Wang Lee Hom, Alexander 12th album, "Change Me (改變自己)". Release: July 13th 2007
Through this album, Leehom promotes the issue of global warming and eco-awareness.

... and I would consider selling my soul if these two could have a long lasting happy romantic relationship with each other .... sigh ...

Googer-realla

2007-09-06T11:36:00.000+08:00

-----

Busy busy
Intentions and all that.
I'll be taking a leap. I think I'll treat myself to that at least once a year, or on the occasional. Feels ... good for the soul, mine. Like I haven't experienced wild abandonment before! Well, not totally anyways.
I'll be attending an art / DJ music thing under CUM (Creative United Movement) - by Lucideas someplace in KL called 'Palate Pallet". Should be interesting, and maybe I'll meet some people there that help in future personal projects. No harm eh, I juts hope there's not too much social mingling ... I don't last too long in those crowds.
Oh, I forget to mention - its tonight.
Tomorrow night, I'll be following my good friend Vince to a meeting or discussion for Malaysian Gay Writers at the Central Market Annexe. Should prove to be interesting, and hopefully some new insight will be found. We shall hope, no?
I'm all for encouraging Malaysian gay writer and Content thats relevant to it!
On Saturday - I forget what I need to do at night now ... but After Work - there's a bloody good chance I'll be trying out for "One in a Million" singing contest auditions again at Berjaya Times Square.
Yea for raising the age limit to 32 !

Friendly Consideration
I've mostly resigned myself to knowing I will rarely get company for my crazy adventures anymore. it actually takes effort (who knew) for someone to say yes to accompanying me while I go tryout auditions, take random walks around KL, check out gallery launches and stuff. Primarily because it no longer feels genuine for some individuals.
At the back of my head, I think it'd be nice to ask them - and then I wonder at all the times I've been passed over, turned down and excluded ... and then, in a nonchalant manner, I'll wave it off.
I need to find new people as friends. And I mean real friends. I've assumed too much already on the basis of friendships. I can't prostitute the meaning of what a friendship should be anymore. Proximity doesn't count.
Effort does, as do consideration and thoughtfulness (well at some point, any point!)

And ... I should find more friends my age.

---

Fewmets Grace

2007-09-03T14:51:00.000+08:00

-----

Body Utopia

I heard a line from a series, and I believe it was in comic reference to one of the qualities of being a urban gay man. “… having unrealistic body expectations …”
Now that struck a familiar chord. Though in jest, it implied something bad.
Is it?

Now, although I’m unfortunately lacking in the muscular obsessive dept., and sometimes I really wish I was more obsessed and doggedly determined about it, I know I won’t ever get the PornStarBody (PSB). I mean, what business can I make from there, certainly there’s no legitimate local thriving male gay adult theatre I can audition for.
And I certainly can’t be a model on physique alone. I don’t have the height nor face nor sense of listening explicitly to direction.
So, in all – I can’t seem think having some PSB goals as a bad thing. Its too bad, that it costs so much, both financially and time. The food (diet), the consistent gym hours, the everything … which makes more sense if it were a PSB-reliant JOB as well, but its not the case. And I’m sodden sad again.

-----

Because this next part is extraordinarily long, I'll only be putting up s short excerpt.
The full story can be read here.

|| GreaterDispel ||

Confessions of a Drama

"Trying to feel included, or at least waiting to be invited.
I felt like a ghost in the wall sometimes, wishing for a thought. Maybe they’ll think of asking me to come out and play.
There’s nothing to apologize for. There’s nothing to forgive, no one did anything wrong. All I wanted to be was a devoted friend, and if I said or did anything unsettling, I didn’t mean it.
I told them every night, I told everyone in the production every night.
But I was drowned out."

----

Confessions of the tired

2007-09-01T13:56:00.001+08:00

---

Thats it Gentleman.

Five Crossed Constellations

2007-08-27T12:34:00.000+08:00

Voucher
Long story short.
I walked past a Border’s open book sale and noticed a few people drawing in front of the stage. I came in late, but since I was waiting for a movie to start yesterday, I joined the “Manga Drawing Contest”.
The judges were from local comic and animation industries, and would have been nice if they arranged a discussion between the participants and the contestants later to critique work and stuff. Make proper use of their time and expertise.
Anyways …. It was surprising since it was really a time-spender thing for me and in 2 age categories (8 – 15) and (16 and above), as well as only about 12 participants where there are 3 prizes for both categories being given out. All I had was my mechanical pencil in my bag and I saw some of the participants with full colour Copic markers. Wow.
I won the older category with a first place voucher of RM 200.00 to spend at Borders. Wonder if I can drag this voucher to last till next May to buy the new Dungeon and Dragons PHB 4.0 RuleSet.

Mixed feelings
Relationships,
which I question whether I’m really ready for one.
I want to make sure I’m not mistaking this nice feeling as just a fun time (which I’m not opposed to of course!) or if … its really him. I want to be fair to him. Of all things, I need to be honest in this and for the both of us. And also consider my own promise to myself.
Friendships,
Where the dynamics have changed and its making me uncomfortable. I must teach myself to accept that I am not and cannot always maintain or have the opportunity to reaffirm my place as certain individuals friends no matter how much I may like d to. Or even how much I would have liked the rapport and closeness we felt as friends in the past / previous productions. Its silly ot me to think, I could be more especially when I can barely make the time … such as they have for their own inner circle. It sucks to feel left out, but I’ll come to terms with that, I have to … right?
I should be happy just knowing I have the few friends that I have … the few friends that I know are, for as much meaning as the word can hold are … friends.
So, a sincere thank you for those who’ve treated me in kind and hardly left a doubt at the end of the day, or week or month, even after the messiest of storms, to those who’ve stuck on with me.
Thanks.
Now I’m all misty-eyed.
Must be the fact I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

I need sleeping pills.

Less Angry
And I’ve said it many times before. Gosh! - I want support for this!
I want some kind of social encouragement that’ll say it’s a the better road, the higher road. I tell myself that but that fad is waning fast and I need a new perspective to run achieve that.
I’m not sure I can do it alone.

Massage
I’m going in for the Blind Man’s Massage at this un-signage-d parlour at KL Sentral. My old friend is leading me there again. He’s such a connoisseur of such places. Ha Ha.
Of course, I don’t think I’m quite brave or confident enough to actually try the sauna’s and bathhouses upstairs.
I’m much more content getting a good massage downstairs, Hanky-Hand-Panky optional and subject to how well the massage was, and often times at these visually handicapped guys are pretty good :D I’m glad to say!

Ideal
I fear to think what the “ideal” man is, the “ideal” date would be … and I shudder to begin to imagine what the “ideal” day could even be …

---------

I need more good memories. We all could.

Yugoloth Dreams

2007-08-24T14:56:00.000+08:00

------

Sick
Between the 5 am jolts to consciousness and the bouts of nasal blockage, work line-ups and acting in a play at night ... I think I'm coping ok.
But ... feeling very beside myself.

Hooked
Yes, I will concur with some friends.
FaceBook is addicting.
I hope the addiction doesn't last long, but the FluffPets are killing me. They're the reason I go back to check on them all the time :(
Sigh - I suppose this comes from having an allergy to many varied species of the animal kingdom during my youth. Allergies, be damned.

---
Prose

Little circular bores of circles, drill.
Concentric shapes into my skull, driving the brain
with Vibrations than do it no good.

Respect does the same thing.
I think the difference between that and obligation and duty is nary a hair's breadth long. But we carry it like a lifelong heritage burdened by our own self of self-social upbringing.

Life-Challenged

2007-08-23T16:48:00.000+08:00

---

Life-Inept
Okay, I'll attribute some of today's text mood to the fact I'm suffering from a stuffed nose and my sinuses have flared up again, in light of the humid rainy chilling weather all day long in an air conditioned office staring at a computer screen.
Did I mention that I'm having a Open Night for my play tonight ... ? In a couple of hours. And any strong medicine I may take to help me through this might konk me out and perhaps cause some drowsiness, because we all know how little effective non-drowsiness flu medicine there is available in Malaysia.
And so, I feel life-inept.
Ill-equipped to walk this road to life, this journey into discovery.
Damn.

Prayer
I hope the shows goes well ... uhhh, up to the end of its run, yes?

---
Prose

Breathe free,
effervescent delight.
Amidst the haze of allergens and spring dust
I want to breathe free.
We all do.
Away with the pills,
Away with the bland meals,
Away with the constraints of bed sheets.
Just make me
Breathe free.

Fingers pointing to the Flame

2007-08-20T11:56:00.000+08:00

------

the Angry man
I guess it holds some truth. You do get angrier as you grow older.
I don't know how comfortable I'll be knowing I'll be an angry man in the future.
It has come to my attention, I am not the same person I was just so few years ago. I realized it, but I did not realize just how much of a public face anger could wear.
I always thought otherwise, but I guess I was wrong.
I am wrong.

Change
Necessary, natural, neutral and unconcerned about the affairs of men.
I will flow with it.
I must embrace it, or die stuck in my own time and character.
So I'll begin.
Quiet.

Diversion
Personal devotion to something to calm me. Missing. I think.
I have to try and remember the lessons of my youth.
I miss that person. He was aware but soft.
I miss soft.
I've baked into a crust, a brusque shell of unconcern and opinion. I use the excuse that I am only so angry because I care, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
I miss myself.

---
Birth

I wonder if a snail can tell time moving as it does at that pace.
Does the world spin dizzily too fast, or hauntingly slow as it considers the path before it.

Do the birds in flight look below the world from high above.
Can it see into the lattice of humankind life and wink at the sun and sea in lofty caws.

Will the seas spill their secrets to the shores.
Or have already but our blindness allow the sands to words to slip back to their sad waters.

I will pick a side although I wonder which.
I don't know if it'll have me, sore from the waiting, ill from the need, strange from wanting.

In the heart of mine, burns the flame caught still.
The skin is covered frigid cold with numbness than spider crawls across the pores and cracks.

I was born wrong.
I was born for change.
I was born for no reason.
I was borne.

---

The 7th 100 Eye

2007-08-16T11:50:00.000+08:00

-----

You_TV_Tube
Yea - catching up on all the Ambiguously Gay Duo episodes on YouTube.
Funny (tee hee hee) ... that and Dame Edna.
The newer stuff and her older shows.

Rehearsals
Was very frustrated yesterday night. Angry at myself and consequently upset and everything else related too closeby.
Maybe this whole thing isn't such a good idea, but I have to do it now.
Huge difference of intention and state of mind when you "want" to do something and you "have" to do something - even if they are the same thing.

Let's hope I can catch up by ... oh ... Sunday.
Its Bump-in on Sunday and Showtime on Thursday.
I need to know my lines!

Back to Origins
I've mentioned I need to simplify and uncomplicate things. I constantly need to remind myself of it. Its certainly not easy and I can only wish it would make my life easier.
Maybe it won't ever be, thats a possibility.
But just as well, it may as well.
Crap.
You suck, life.

Gym
It actually makes sense to go back to that routine. And it would help a lot. Its more personal than I'd ever thought it could be and I wasn't compelled by anything but a desire to commit simply and relax then when I was at the gym doing my stuff.
Somethings unbalanced, unhinged, and I have to find the fulcrum again.

Awards
Yea, my friend Dann, won a bunch of things for this short short story thing. I figured there were a lot of important people in some industries at the awards I accompanied him for. He's going to Bali, won a free MotoRazor and I was mistaken for his PR Agent. Ha ha!
Serve me right for going around asking relevant question about the details of the prizes on his behalf.
Still I met this guy there who I've had this minor crush on in art college. He's lost a lot of his muscle bulk and all, but he's still attractive to me!
Yea, its the same contest I told him and urged him to join.

Karma
I've told my friend Dann, that someday, I hope Karma is racking up all the points to repay me. I've helped friends, get jobs, win prizes, informed them of opportunities and plugged in the right people to them when they needed the contacts and info. And here I am, stressing, awardless and prizeless.
-sigh-
Life, you suck.

Reminders
Great! I just reminded myself, I have to write something Malaysiana for this weekends OpenMikeGig at PJ.
Oops.

---

Prose

Delightful slippets of nighty night
Daytime reverie playtime.
Sleep now for fourty winks.
Come fleeting for me
In the slippers of your eyelids.

Scuttlewing and Left for Deed

2007-08-14T20:03:00.000+08:00

---

Chill
Its cold and chilly tonight. The kind that gives my body the mild premonition of a fever.
I think I'm getting sick.
I could walk about and warm up, but the entire building is frosty shivery and since it rained outside for the last hour or so, its the same outside.
Bah-hun-bug.

Patience
So I wait for my rehearsals to begin.
The few we have left.
I'm apprehensive about the whole show, but some niggling doubts of me feel completely free of responsibility of it. Utterly abandoning free and absolved.
Maybe I'm going into auto-pilot. A mechanical action freeing me of all conscious decisions to care. To do exact what is told and nothing more and nothing less.

Puzzle Recognition
Vince Chong, our local talented singer (who'll be in performing in "Frogway" The Actors Studio ), stopped to asked we we meet before.
I dont think so. Really, I dont.
Though he's much cuter IRL than in photos.
And I'd liked to know him better.
Perhaps ... it was the slightly longer than usual eye contact. I was checking him out trying to place him in my memory - not sure it was a celebrity. But it lingered long enough for him I suppose to register as a "recognizable" stare.
Oops.
Still, he looks like a darling in person.

---
Prose

Interrupted. Between. Lines. I'm happy for him, I am. Pause. Between. Breaths. I'm not lying. Down, I mean, when I heard it. Drop. Fallen. News. Really, I am. Thats how you know. Interrupted. Blind. Mistress. I wish it was otherwise.

Pitcher of Perfection

2007-08-13T10:51:00.000+08:00

The girl and her dollhouse.

---
Deathlines
Its now the 13th - and the play I'm involved in opens on the 23rd. Thats about 9 days time. And we only have 5 more rehearsals. How's that for a plays death sentence.
We have enough to put on a show, but is it worth it to see, or to be staged ... I don't know. The director seems to think its going along well enough, judging from her behaviour and generally laissez-faire attitude. She seems calm enough about it.
Wonder if she'll part of share some secret about her confidence and apparent placidness concerning the play and our performance.

So much for this toy house production, I konw in my heart its an amateur performance but I really want it to be as professional as I can.

It hurts kinda to know I can walk away wth no regret or problem.
It hurts to know that I won't have a contract because I won't be paid for this. I can screw up and not really give a shit, with only work ethic being my only conscience.
It hurts because this is really just a feat to payback what I'm being charged for on the company printing mistake several months back.
(its really more of a sympathetic pang - nothing quite so gut-wrenchingly painful, so no worries, eh)

Work
It does seem to have slowed down a bit since the mad rush is mostly over for me. The rest will just be beginning for the rest of the office. I will have to catch up on all the other things and work lined up from before but I know I can take it slower, and thats always good at work.

Dates
I've lined up a few things. I have a full day on a coming Sunday. After a full run- I'll be rushing off to read at the OMG (Open Mike Gig) held at the Food Foundry, PJ, courtesy of my friends Pat and Priya. Yea!
I'll be looking forward to that, altho' I may have a problem with the Malaysiana theme. I don't exactly know how many of my pieces and writing really reflect Malaysiana as a whole or partial piece even. I'd like to think of my amateur writing as ... more universal. I have neither the skill nor experience to write anything more aptly detailed.

Dating
Its working out ok. But I'm not sure I'm settling for ok anymore.
I need to be more demanding, I need ... more now. I've come to realize I've settled a lot in the past, because, I guess, I wanted to always be someone better, like I wasn't good enough. But I've got to stop that.
Thats the reason why I had this stupid sabbatical in the first place. To place myself first and work on myself from within, regardless of how cliche that may be. damn it ...
And the guy needs to know this. I know I've mentioned it to him, but I torn to really letting him know how serious I need this to work for me. Not for us ... just me.

---

Prose

I clown around the fringes of a man's thoughts. I idle away at the working woman who never thinks she's enough. I spin dizzily at a childs disregarding upbringing.
I am a lost conscience.

Close your eyes, voluntarily to me.
No more talk of wonders, no more open battles lest we see it coming. We are covert, stealthy operatives to the core of the soul. And we strike painlessly, lest we feel.

Signet of words, we used long ago.
Fall heedlessly to sealed ears. The flaps of the lobe skin strung and sealed across the earhole. The eardrum humming to the selfless thoughts we wish only to hear but never listen.

And I hate. With a hunger.
Run away with me to close a chapter of human greed.
I will show you mute music, blinding light and many more things you cannot imagine because you were taught never to.

I settle across the brow of the permanent frowns. I sink between the wrinkles and creases of pristine perfect dermatological miracles. I whet on the stirrings of primal consumerism working up the evolutionary ladder.
I am the lost conscience.

Holier than Thou

2007-07-31T17:17:00.000+08:00

Where temptations leak out ...

---

Drama in Drama
As it is always bound.
The closer it all gets to the date of show ... everything cames squeezing in. The boss is suddenly overcome with taking in every little details and having it now, even when some parts are waiting for others outside our control.
But I'm grasping at fourth wall straws. Just do my job .... just do it, as the modern Nike would say. Damned her capitalists consumerist Greek deific heart.

Ill Recovery
I worked the weekend at the office. Don't think I did much but its something I suppose. Actually still feeling like I'm recovering from my fever last weekend. So slow, but it makes sense considering I never took a real rest.
... and NOW some office colleagues are commenting on how sickly I'm beginning to look, as I'm recovering - oh the irony.

Job Placement
Maybe I should take a really stable - scheduled - job. Albeit, really not creative job line. There's a call for a video archivists. Its really boring, you have to love cataloging and details, be a stickler for order and live 9 - 5 every day looking at numbers and generated stacks of thousands per day.
You think?

The Play
I realized I don't have the motivation to play my current character in the play. There's something missing. Something core and inherent that isn't coming through. I hate coming in so late into the piece and not having time to explore and being told "What you're doing is already good, keep it up but occasionally you can do a little of this and that..."
What is that?!?
There's something missing, can't you feel it?
Tension, need, want, supergoal, intention - its ... not really there. I don't know why my character is there. Blah.
Need time to work this out even though time is running out.
Wait - a lot of unspoken subtext is getting glanced over. And I believe a lot. There's more physical writ thats not been wrung out or explored. There is more than the written word - can't they see it! There more I dedicate myself to read and memorize it, the more I realize that there's so much we're not getting. Even superficially, we're not getting it. We've imposed out own simplicity on it. i know its not a heavy-handed play to begin with, but at its core it represents more than it shows.
Is it wrong to want the others to show it?

---
Prose

God's wits
were left behind.
At the world's end.
Then we will get
the funny.

White Whine, Red Rum

2007-07-30T14:54:00.000+08:00

---

Ill Fated
I despise getting ill before the weekend begins.
It just seems that by the time Monday rolls around, and you've just begun recovering, its still not wroth the effort explaining to your employer's why you need the day off to recover. The only day on Sunday I truly get a rest after a 6 day work week, and I have a pulsating fever, accompanied by migraine attacks.

Work Ethic
And I feel I should return to work when I know there's something that they may need for the last minute. My personal take on this, if I can't even do a halfway decent job, I should at least try.
But who does this these days. I think few do and I certainly don't fault them.
VERY FEW companies offer such great incentive for long term employment anymore, well at least in the industries I'm involved in. Which isn't really saying much - coz there really shouldn't be that many reasons why the advertising / theatre / design industries CAN'T encourage long term employment and foster company loyalty and incentives.
Because turnover is so great. I find that hard to believe when my country claims to have so abundant overqualified graduates who have no jobs ...
We push ourselves to be economically aware and away from out third world status but out corporate - or everywhere in general, can't function on the basic changes required to cope with the changes of being 2nd or 1st world status. So we accumulate the problems of third'isms with the onset problems of moving into second world'isms.
not sure if I'm making sense here.

Independance
Maybe its the chinese in me ... which reminds me, I havent had much chinese in me lately.
I digress.
I want to own something of my own. Be my own boss of something,
I mentioned some time ago, trying to look into my own Tee-shirt design business. I've looked at some business models and start-ups - and without much backing or a wide safety net, it still requires me to dedicate full time for it. I can't afford that, at least not now.
This theatre show thing ... I don't know. Perhaps put on shows, but thats not really owning anything though it still does mean something. A lot.

---

Prose

Incidentally, the cat walked across the black path ahead of me.
Does it work that way?
Was it telling me to turn back? Or was the crossed-eyed superstitious signal of the universe, telling me it was ok? The black luck had fallen from the feline wrapping the future path.
I could be thinking too much.
I try not to, or I fear I'll turn back for fear, cowardice, shame or familiarity.
I'll ask too many questions I can't answer.
They'll understand, maybe they won't.
I need to do this.
I'm kind of pretty, I can get by. I do ... did ok in school.
I'll meet someone, its a big world and he's out there. I'll have to wait a bit but I know he's out there. He'll take care of me and my baby, and maybe if I don't have a job by then ... I might even go back and finish school.
I hope I'm going the right way.
Oh, maybe its him. In that car slowing down, offering me a ride. He has a nice smile.
Oh dear, the cat caught something in its teeth. A street rat of some sort.
I should get out of the cold anyways.
Its getting late and there's no time to live like now.

---

Punch Daddy June Bug

2007-07-27T14:35:00.000+08:00

---

Stapled
Wonderful little mechanical steel bridges that bind my ideas immortalized in a chemical beauty of pulp white and black aqueous matter.
Simply wonderful, the simplicity.

Which is why I'm wondering if my posts titles and images have anything to do with my posts sometimes. A presentable semblance of meaning is all thats required and of that, I'm not sure either.

Weaning
Suffice to say, this will be a short post.

---
Prose

Indistinct smatter
Whats the matter
with me, should you
make the time I should
no.
Tell us of I
Definite will
and proclamation
deathbed made.
yes.
Celebrate the matter
with me, the will
Definite time
for proclamation
Should make.
Deathbed indistinct.
Celebrate.
---

Paprika on Ice

2007-07-25T16:11:00.000+08:00

---

"who's prepared to pay the price, for a trip to paradise ... love for sale."
_Vivian Green, Love for Sale

Music
Been listening to random playlists on the weblink at work. All streaming so I couldnt even save them if I could. Not that I have anything to carry around to listen to them in the first place.
Stuff like Akos: Minden Most Kezdodik, Learna & Moor, and some remixes by ... goodness, I dont even know the language much less whether its from Europe or South America.
Of course a good mix of Broadway like Spring Awakening and Wicked, and old school Ella and the good stuff.

Intoxicated
First time at the Zouk collection of clubs last night. Happy B'day and going to be an SIA Flight Attendant, Kristin!
Looks like the motif for the entire building was a giant took, or many or a marshmellow collection. All the same, it looked like walking into a long mouth into a amusement park. It even had ticket buying booths the same way.
All in all, for ladies night - it was really a night of men. men of all types, sorts, races, mixed, body types, preferences, looks, styles ...
Holy Crap!
I would so abuse my "Turn them Gay and attracted to Me" power if I had it. Meat-fest. It I didn't know it was a straight club (I think?), it would have been paradiso for washing eyes. True, that you trade in the general 'gay superficial critical eye' for the 'straight machismo jerk facade", but face it - I was there for a friend and it was all nice side dishes. Fun but I couldn't care more.
Apparently there was this really "hiao" girl who kept trying to sell me her vodka shots (yea, right). She couldn't even make a dent in my attention span even if she spilled wet vodka over her white, and very tacky top.
Oer, I wonder if the blonde streaks in my hair glowed from the darn black lights here and there.

But my point here is, I was slightly intoxicated and went to see a guy. Yes, so much for taking it slow. Crap.
Now I know why drunkards should never have their cellphones with them.
But I (hope) apologized and tried to explain that I'm normally not this ... aggressive and I'd like to take things slowly as as they are. Nothing serious. I don't want him getting an inaccurate picture of my intentions.

Charity
I did my little bit after a mad rush to reach the Seksan house, to help out Pat & Priya. Cloudbreak's Fallen Leaves turned out pretty well even with my little sub-acting. He he. I enjoyed playing my little part in it. One day, I've got to actually get a gay role.
Its perplexing, that I see many gay roles going to straight actors.
Sigh.

Work
... is work. You try to dodge bullets when you can, and grit your teeth and care it when you extract the ones that got you.

& Play
... if I have it too early, my producer will not be having to (uh) produce it.
The middle of the year is good for her and a group of people that could help me. Its a good time for people to come watch, because not too many things happen at the middle of the year. Except my workload.
... end of the year seems tough, because too many things are happening for everyone and sponsors aren't likely to say they sponsor something for the end of the year one year away from now. Or rather likely to back out just as quickly. But its less of a rush.
I just want a small play.
But its shaping out to sound a whole lot bigger.
... if I stay to June, and I work around it - I know I'll need someone I trust and with the same ideas I have about the project to take over when I cannot. Most things point to June being a good time except for my work. This requires .... more thinking.
December is out.
I don't see how I can put up something to new, so quickly.

---
Prose

Let them see me pretend.
Through glass stained corneas.
Pretend to be real in mockery
Of puppetry lives,
reflected in glass sheltered domes.

Embrace the living spirit
Superficial, superfluous spirit in you.
Know the true self built of glass
Wobbling in winds,
of change the words the public say.

No true depth ca counter
the seeping shallow skin.
But admit the signs that hang
bristling and prickly
And leave the world, a happy man.
---

Wrathful Sky, Memory Erth

2007-07-24T18:13:00.000+08:00

---

Company and Misery
Where does the day take us to now?
As far as I'm concerned, with the heaps and heaps of work and the sympathetic workload and stress everyone seems to be gladly disseminating at the office ... my old barely-strung together headphones from home is strengthening my grasp on reality.
That and online radio.
Random strings of music lists.
Straight into my head through the ear canals.
Boom Shakalaka Shing!

Enamour
To the lyrics and music of "Wicked".
Never seen it and I doubt it'll ever get in this country, but ... its hi time for me to buy Music CD's again. I certainly hope my car can play CD's one day. I love my morning radio - but ... it tests my patience sometimes.

A guy
Double jointed, double entendre's were served with much earnest in the last few days.
But I have to be honest to him. I may have been forward in my approach but like previous experience has shown, I need to clarify where I stand before assumptions begin to take hold. I can't afford it, I would like to work with him professionally one day and clarity needs to be presented now rather than later.
And I will stick to my promise to myself, the few I intend to see all the way through. I can't bear any serious personal relationships right now. I have other things to tend to. Being a better person. Seeing my plans through. Priorities - I remember you well.
I need to be better to myself, even with my own promises.
So to guy, I certainly hope I can eloquate myself clearly enough to make you understand.

---
Prose

Colours that burn

... from the wheels that turn.
Cloudy wheels with spindles so sharp they pierce the sky and stars fall through.

... from the annals of the grave.
Stillborn souls mustering a seance to the living.

... from the eye in the great sky.
Delivering a sermon to the forest weeds who feed on the echoes of the lost.

Stanza to stanza, breach wall skin-paper tight.
I fight.
The bloody screen that bleaches the steam of the dusk.
I must.
Torpedo crooning love lullabies to cities before birth.
I sight.

The colours that burn fast, are the ones that stay forever.

---

ps: Crap, I wrote that in under a minute, forcing the words to spill out.
well, i went back to spell check it too, but the time there don't count.

Giants in the Sky

2007-07-23T11:09:00.000+08:00

-----

Overtime
The time for feeling overwhelmed by an industry I am unfamiliar with, should be over. I can do something. Something even halfway decent.
If its one thing I give this 'vision' thing, then its the fact that it allows me to approach giants. The giants of the industry, who at eye level - aren't quite so intimidating and absolutely less foreboding than imagined before.
I can do this, with the help of sincere friends and professionals.

Intention
Who knew all my trivial knowledge could come in useful one day?
I just need to find the perseverance to keep this up. Writers, artists, actors, students, publishers, producers, directors, sponsors, workshops, spaces ... just everything else I need to know more and more about to set about my plans.

Divination
I don't know how it'll turn out.
I feel like a million pins of light are striking at me and peeling away every cell. Its a feeling thats mutual with a lot of guys around me I suppose. And some of them are ever attractive because of that.
But it'll be casual for now, until the stars align themselves for once, just for me. I'll even go along with a close approximate. We never know, it could be right now, its just that light doesn't seem to travel fast enough and what we see in our night sky constellations is anywhere as old as 60 years late to centuries old.

Trust
... and I'm learning how to trust more. Surprising. The more I intend to take control of something in my life, I seem to be forcing myself to realize that I need to trust more instead. In others, in events that surround me, in the muses, in fate, in opportunity, in conviction and in friends.
I hope its lasts, because it feels very worth it.

Growing up
Perhaps if I wait long enough, want long enough, work long enough - I 'll be a giant. A small one, but a giant nonetheless. Then I can take off these painful working shoes and step afresh in the fresh green pinetree grass and bubbling azure blue waters of the Pacific. And I can lean my back against the sturdy Andes and watch the stars, watching the giants of the Universe at play ... waiting to join them.

---
Prose

Her father bade me well.
I called him 'Uncle' as if I was familiar with him.
I'd like to. My secret wish, my shadowed desire. I'd like to know him as no relative should. I don't think the laws of the world can bind this passion of mine. The fantasy of which I am his to do with. I want to be held, chided and handled by this person.
I am her best friend for the reasons I hide well enough away. I drew to her like a crab stepping sideways to their goal. I would sit after school, during the carpool looking at the back of his head as she rambled on about the meddlesome boy in her class today. I knew no boy would live up the the standards I held for this man. Her father.
I'd imagine my out of the gates of the school canteen, my uniform falling away as I approached him. These thoughts keep me distracted throughout the day waiting for the time to go home.
I should say something but I don't know if I want the fantasy to end. Maybe he'll hate me, maybe he'll want me. I won't take the risk.
So I am her friend.
Until I'm old enough, old enough in the words of the law, out of the yoke of a teenaged label, I will go to him. Then maybe my strength will make me desirable to him. His strength drawn to me.
Just five more years.

Pieces of Frail

2007-07-21T11:38:00.000+08:00

---

Dancing on the shores of plenty
I would like to go to the club again. Lose myself in good trance stylized music, and in the motions of the hypnotic melody.
It helps induce this state of cool self-hypnosis. Like looking through a hollow bright green cucumber.

Touche
I would like to get another massage sometime soon, and preferably with more massage technique and less personal caressing. Not that I mind, you know; but I don't want the actual massage to be skimped on either. To elaborate more, would be writing gay erotica, so I'll leave it at that.

Sating Sattie
I'm feeling languid this Saturday.
Just absolutely languid.
There's work to be done, but its taking a swim in the molasses.

Reconnect
I'll spend some time with a friend. I think he's having a tough time now and he's taking it in his stride but he could always use more visible support. Real support, not lip-service or culture-induced words of sympathy.

ps: This is my 69th post - tee hee

---
Prose

Have you ever followed the shape of an "L"?
You have, you know.
We all have. We see some sort of journey ahead all the time, some as far as grand-children, others as far as the mall down the street only. But there's that bend which we cannot see past. We cannot strafe the edge because we fall down the path too fast to prepare to turn on the the flat plane of the "L".
So we begin to blame the other letters. We find fault with the 'vowels' and say the other 'consonant's don't care or understand. Punctuations limit us and proper grammar is proper propaganda.
Words are propaganda, for our side. They can be filtered, lies or gut-wrenchingly true. You decide, what words to speak, even Freudian words.
And it all falls back to "L".
So I dismiss thee, by professing an entire sentence absent of your presence, this one, this parting sentence. For now, in this instant - you do not exist.

Fridge to notes by way of magnets

2007-07-20T17:01:00.000+08:00

---

Reminder
There's moss beneath all out idle thoughts. We draw too much comfort from it sometimes. Even when we're spontaneous, there's a personal comfort there.
I'm going to help a good friend celebrate being let go of his job. And in turn, resolve to just ... stick by mine until they find the balls to fire me. Or I find myself getting comfortable there.
Whoever blows up first.

Ylang Ylang
I like that word for some reason. The smell, ... not so great.
The subject name is greater than the object function.

Writing
There's a play, a story maybe. Its in my head somewhere, so I'm trying to find out how long it'll take for it to reach my eyes, ears, mouth and my fingers. I'm waiting for its voice to be heard, whether be it soft or loud. I certainly can't rush it, but I can goad it into existence.
Time is of the essence here.

Showtime
Its interesting. I may have already sought a line-up for a producer, publicist, stage manager that I may want and outline plan/proposal for my play next year. Its set for June, but it may be cutting close to other events - especially work. So I'll be flexible - Late April showers to June Bloom.

But there still questions. Can I afford to make it a annual thing? Or is it a one-shot? Is it too static for its future? Should it be a collection of many short shorts or a simple 2 - 3 piece play piece, that aptly gives the playwright stories to unfold?

20.7.2007
Oh yes - it is.
A strange numerical coincidence on the Junos Calender.

---
Prose

He measured it six more times to make it right. It had to be perfect. It must be precise, or it would reflect badly on him, on his work. On the guys at work. There was so much pressure to perform the correct technique, find the right approach and place just the right amount of attention to it.
He realized he held his breath in and steadied a slow breath out. "Need only 2 more like this", he thought to himself. The shine of a well worked blade touched the unbroken cheek softly.
Gently, he whispered to himself.
now the guys at work will have something to mull over. They'll marvel over the work and think, how great the puzzle will be when it is finally revealed. How pleased they would be to know they were following so well, and how well he taught them.
He pushed, and she bled.

Oh what death you lie and die

2007-07-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

-------

Survival

The horrors of getting to work in a new environment - even if you're still doing the same job.
Gettting used to the 'system' or the way it works.
Sigh.
Every place has their own way of working. Its this horrifying placement of seeing if you can bring anything new and useful to the table or adapting what you need to the way they've always worked things.

Shit.

Very very hard.
While I can maintain a stance as to how and why they need to operate the way they do, with less than necessary staff, multiple job tasks and cutting corners and costs (like proof-readers+sample sheet from printers), it majorly sucks to only slowly understand the nuances of how they work AFTER a costly blunder is made. And when it rains ... it pours.
What I hate is being ...
what is that word - told things that begin with "... in my x numbers of years of experience, it hasn't been done and a lot of companies these days don't even do them". Well then, its OBVIOUS I've had different experiences then ISN"T IT!
And my experiences should count for something, even if I've ONLY done this for 5 years.

Double dung.

Its so easy to just go Fuck it all! You haven't even given me my damned confirmation letter and I'll be damned if you think you can hang it over my head!
But I've to give the benefit of the doubt.
And I've got to try and stretch this out as long as I can.
There are benefits here otherwise and it would do me well to reap them regardless of conflicts in ethics, style and structure.

Triple Feces.

Though I do somewhat understand that the previous designer left for the reason there' was too much pressure, I also think he had NO IDEA things can also get this bad.

Crap.

Perseverence
Its testing - and never easy. Gotta stick it through, if i can maintain this pay for a whole year, I'll be a happy camper and I'll have a better asking price when I move to my next job. Yes, ... oh yes. I believe I've mentioned things before. This isn't the career track for me.
Its good opportunity to build up a decent base pay to work from for my next job and for some glory name-mongering. Working for a non-proft as well as a Dato'.
That should buy me some nice shiny credits.
I just got to stick it out now ...

I need to find a vice and FAST!
Smoke, drink, drugs .... something!!!

Forgive the dark dark dark dark poetry.

---
Prose

Poising little angry snake
In the grass of golden hair.
Sneaky fangs of spite and malice
Watching prey, so unaware.

Coiling liquid sneaky snake
Flaring tongue and lips.
Snare my soul and stop my heart
Bury where my body sleeps.

Slipping scales of coloured lies
So quiet as a whisper.
Unseen bile, deceiving smile
No conscience breeds, unfetter.

Gaping maw, two inches wide
To swallow whole, the child.
Stinking phrase of sinking praise
Holding court before the trial.

Venomous string of honeyed words
Luxuriant song of comfort.
Lulled into the waiting trap
Dirge of death in concert.

Unblinking amber eyes so still
Mesmerized beyond the ages.
Caught up in the sins of time
No difference the visages.

Speck of drought in rainy fields
Snatched the youth of innocence.
Cradled by the weeping willows
Dust and shine till brilliance.

Mother fed the eating mouth
Father took its hand.
Led to stray descending south
Messages of hope, a sham.

The child in darkness sitting cold
In the hollow of the throat.
Awaiting sentence, judge and jury
Breathless save the weeping note.

Seductive scales of glittered lies
So smooth the skin of choice.
No clarion call, announce at all
The deed, dark, red and moist.

Sleeping swarthy sated snake
Hoarding every truth.
Rest upon my sullen tomb
On the bed of wrinkled youth.

Sleeping fat bemusing snake
In the depth of graves.
Remind the child beneath you
The horror that you gave.

---

Noblisse Assassin

2007-07-18T15:19:00.000+08:00

---

Because terror has no true name
Ok, so I had my first rehearsal yesterday.
After a long day at work which lasted up to 7.45 pm to which I rushed to 8 pm rehearsals. Which ended early because I didn’t think going to outside grounds to do an exercise/game was going to help me accomplish anything for the play. I returned to work instead and finished up stuff up to about 11 pm.

I’m graciously tired today, but I’m feeling halfway decent even though rehearsal was weird when I didn’t get any direction, much less commentary, or … could be my imagination but hardly a glance. Even if I did ok, or there wasn't much to work with, still ... it would be better to say something about it than allow presumptions and assume it was ok, when it helps to be informed instead that it was ok.
But no matter, I’ll just do what I can regardless of what happens in rehearsals, which in itself could be a bad thing, but we do what we can, right?

Movement is life
Monday night was … amazing.
I rushed over to The Central Market Annexe performance space and gallery to attend a 2 and a half hour introduction to BioMechanics by Chris Jacobs. It was nothing short of startlingly eye-opening and I very much agreed in line with the basis of the entire technique, approach and practice to biomechanics. I had naturally inclined to its premises when I started off last year in “The Shape of Things”. .wow … who knew!

Its definitely something to watch out for and learn more about. A pity, coz I thought some people should have attended this course as well to expand their repertoire in training and directing others. The more forearmed you are with knowledge, the better you are at pursuing your passion with fervor and rigour. I need to share this with the rest of the cast.
It was tiring, testing, and all around difficult but worth every cent I spend on the workshop. Of course, now I have to custom make some of the 'scales' for the body because I'm bow-legged. I actually heard the words "oh ... thats a first ...", when I showed them I was bow-legged.
*hehe*

And … Derek was kinda hot. Pang was cute too … wonder where Pang's hot little ex-flatmate does ... (sigh) – I’m already starting to break my tenet for the rest of the year …
(shrugs)

Liquidity
So much work …. So little time to memorise my lines for the lead … I’m gonna kill myself I know it. And I just Started Back my RPG long-term campaign.
Yes, I’m gonna die by my own hand.
And also yes, I'm pretty sure much of what I write here can condemn me ... them's the breaks then.

---
Prose

Oft I tell myself,
There are mistakes to forgive. Sleeping on the beds I made for others.

For a second time in a long breath of life,
hidden behind a cloudy mirrored screen – I murmur to the whispers.

The flies buzz a lazy litany around the tired halting bars.
Save sunlight and air, they duty well enough.

My blood is the flavour of the month
Leaking faucet lips of scarlet.

Oft I tell myself,
There are some mistakes which break you.
And others, to forgive.

Scourge of the boys of Thin-o-pia

2007-07-16T11:17:00.000+08:00

----

Ill-wishing
I guess I've thought of it but it never really sank in until multiple sources (unsolicited) have mentioned it.
My Aunt (any family member, really) - hasn't seen me for a few months now, and commented on how slim / thin I've gotten. Now this is truly usual for the Chinese chit chat where children are often too thin for their own good.
Its just not prosperous.
But this coincides with other commentary from several people, friends actually. I'm losing too much weight. And here I go thinking that I've goten slightly more weight or at least my metabolism has slowed down and gained weight. - well, oops.
Something probably in here that begins with 'Unheal' - and ends with 'Thy'.
Is there something I'm overdoing at work?
Is work ethic killing more than my soul?

The Touch
Its my perception but not too far from the truth, that I've been treated like some sort of twinky asian boy porn actor recently. Crap.
I'm starting to look like those twinky slim thin boys on the tops of those Japanese young men. This is NOT what I intend to ever look like or be treated like. At least never thought of it that way, and so NOT the liking it at all. Skin and bones, I say
Well, throw in the sleepless, overworked, black-eyed induced look and there you have it.
This sucks.
Trying those workout-with-whatever-you-have-at-home on a limited time, which is pretty much between getting home really late and slamming into my bed, only seems to have slimmed me down more. Trimmer, slimmer, and maybe lean. Yea, thats not helping.
I'm not ripped by any means, I'll be the first one to tell you, but if I were - I think I'd be MORE put off by myself.
... but ranting long enough about this also makes me reconsider.

Turnabout is fairplay
Maybe I should just milk this.Well figuratively for now.
Just embrace that fact, that this is one aspect of male beauty and move on. That I may be suffering from self-inflicted or delusional body myopia which inflicts most men (particularly in western cultures) - where big and muscular is never enough until you're bigger and more muscular. Size .... definition ... gym rat .... gym bunny ...
And I've read about this, I've done my research, am I being an informed idiot about this by rationalizing like an ignorant intellectual?
Do I care?

Play & Tell
Time constraints, actualy physical effort and juggling too many things at once.
Not only is it my busy period for my day job here - I've been roped in (let's just say with a strong WINK, suggested into by my boss) to help in the Director-in-TRAINing's play.
The one we've settled into a working relationship because there's too many things about her personally right now, that I don't and can't give a fuck about before losing all respect for her, as a friend and professional. I'd like there to not be a this unspoken conflict though I may have spoken more about it than necessary.
Whatever the case, with her current behaviour and working routine, its a source of frustration for me which i've learn to LET GO!
... until now. I'm reeled back in. Friendly boss and all that. Reitirate.
Friendly boss who thinks the direcotr-in-training is doing a pretty decent halfway job so far. Reality: the people she's working with ARE doing the decent job, she's doing the pretty and halfway there part.

Reeled in
I digress. Work + Play : Overstressed.
its even the lead role ... bah - for something a role I probably wouldn't have auditioned for , tho I like the play, enough to want to direct it myself.
Which BOILS down to the fact.
I've having trouble finding a producer.
So I have to tell myself, if I can't find one by the end of September: my WORLD AIDS DAY CHARITY 2007 might have to go bust.
Fortunately, its enough time to actually being to find people to help my out in my June project next year for GAY PRIDE MONTH short short plays Visitation 2008.
It actually hurts, chest palpations and all, to say that.
but its true - if I can't find one, December is ... well, we'll see.

Strange but true
In the midst of all the new plays in a few weeks and working piling up. I've yet to receive my confirmation letter.

---
Prose

Jigsaw

It wasn't irrational to believe that it bore more than its weight in the crisp brown envelope that the postman dropped today. I can even believe the red and black striped marks zigzagging the postage and address all over the paper form, that was telling me something.
Someone's heart was in there.
Mine.
From someone who posted it to me, where I lost it almost a decade ago.
Its been returned to me, piece at a time and although I know somewhere in my mind what I won't say because it might be true, it will never be fully returned. Never to be a whole heart. But I wouldn't want it that way.
I want a piece of it to be left behind there. That will make him continue sending the pieces back. That is what he'll remember.

Its a techno-trance-pop CD this time.
Because he liked the music, because he loved the band, I feel surrogate and full. In my hands are the words he will never say. Between every line, is the head-shaking beat thump of his head in the earphones that he wants to share with me. Each pitch is the raising of his hand as he waves hi to me in the crowded club many years ago. Flashing blue and purple and red and yellow and pink.
Its seems to be fate that the CD was named 'Blue', the colours of the back of the CD was a myriad of gloss-refractive rainbow hues on a silver plate.
I can imagine him browsing the store to get me an exact copy. His enthusiasm as he found it, his thrill at knowing I will get it in four to six weeks.

I cried when I listened to it. It lies tucked neatly with the others gifts he's shared with me in the later years using the secret cupid postman. Lying beside the pieces of my heart are the aged and lightening envelopes they arrived in, folded and placed orderly. In the mess of my room, my desk and my mind, this is always be clear. A speck of order in my living chaos.
Secret laughter stirs in those pieces. Bells I can only hear and feel conflicted when I want to share them with others. Music that should be mine only.

Maybe he'll hear my silent words everytime I'm feeling downand outdated. Maybe the secret cupid postman will bear them on his wings of addresses and postmarked dated stamps. Maybe I'll hear the words in his voice one peculiarly fine day.
As the rest of my life passes away into obscurity and drudgery, I will wait for these envelopes. In the mean time, I look softly at the shadowed cases, wrappers, CD's, all neatly tucked in my hollowed heart shaped chest and wait for the pieces to lay in - to be whole and so very far apart again.

--
ps: I'll be posting just the prose and poetry at GreaterDispel.Blogspot.Com Its just really gonna function as a archive for my written creative work. Since my good friend likes reading it at the end of each of my posts.
pps: still in discussion whether I still owe them for the misprint :(

Words over words.

2007-07-10T14:08:00.000+08:00

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Into the air
I need to breathe.
Morning sinus's don't help, really.
I need the space - to open up the screaming heightening, frightening voices.

I will rant now - believe you me. Its not my whole state of mind, just a part reallt - but the drowning part.

Spun around
I've spoken my piece to my friend and director in training at work. In regards to a few issues and things, and mostly, just personal forays into the professional which I will try from now on to be more separate about them.
... of the bad:
I will wait for her to speak to me, to apologize with some remorse, regret or understanding. I've said my piece. Its just bad that her first open conflict at her first job is with her friend, but isn't that always the case.
... of the good:
I realize how much of a tyrant I'm NOT when I direct. Surprising, no? I took over one of her rehearsals as a favor (and the cause of some dissent between us), and found out how much I'm enjoying it. I love watching them explore and come to be. I love watching them bring words to life. And I think they just might do it for many others. I believe in them.
And I heard two nicest things out of it - from the productions gasping commentary "Is there anything you don't do?" and "You've got the flair for direction?". I thank you for those words. It means the world to me and as much as I'd like to say I had some part, I really think that it really is more than just my part. Its everybody involved - and I guess thats the allure too. To be of something bigger than who I am, even in the smallest plays. With everyone else.

Debt
In the midst of this drama.
Due to time constraints, rushing deadlines and all that for the largest production here this year, Tunku.
There was an error in printing ... twice.
And I was sent a private reprimanding email and a continuance of discussion in resolving the incursion of a debt through the error of RM 3,200.
Yea ... it sucks when my livelihood comes from my paycheck unlike some amatuers in the theatre industry.
Shit.
This under-manned non profit theatre house - and I pay for this.
I stare at 8 hours at the screen everyday taking care of everything, and I pay for typo's in the text. We have no copywriter to make sure its ok, we have no other designer on production to run through things. Although, I fully accept responsibility on my part, my end and my participation, I do so because there is no other. No other ...
And its irony ... the mispell was "Charity".
I left a "t" out.

Undermanned, - and personally I think they over ordered. Their big musical production last year has hordes in the hundreds (thousands?) of CD's, programme books, postcards, etc ... sigh. Oversight, anyone?

Distraction and Refocus
The day ended well yesterday.
I met my friends Vince and he's a good friend I'm working with to make this World AIDS day charity event.
It was good to work on his short short musical play piece.
Good, I tell ya.
Did I forget to mention he's an Author now :D His firsts published work - a series of horror short stories compiled into a collection of teen horror "The Uninvited" YEA!

By the way: I'll be separating my creative prose work, art?, poetry in another blogspace.
Its easier I figure than cluttering this up.

Greater Dispel

I'll link it up on the side.
Even at the end of the post if I added one more after blogging up.

---

postscript: I really want to say how much I loved watching the cast of "System of Professor Tuko" at my one stint at rehearsals. And the Stage manager was awfully helpful too :D (( hugs ))

Sideways and Beneath

2007-06-29T17:49:00.000+08:00

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ShrtTrmMmry
What the FUCK! is wrong with me!
Through some quirk or ill-fated decision, I came across work / pieces / websites / artsites I used to spend my time on. It just registered to me so vividly why they exist and I'm screaming at myself trying to realize just how I came to forget them!

How the HADES!

RecollecTion
It seems like such a stupid thing, probably for many of you, how I came to not register this thing. I totally forgot I did artwork for the artsite "Yaoi Gallery", same goes for my participation on forums for Muscle Growth Stories and Artwork.
What happened to me! ? !

And I have a Ark's load of artwork to catch up with and do!

Stink of Necessity
Since I started this new job.
I ... fuck, I ... just forgot about all the other things I chose to be active in.
Perhaps I realized them, maybe I knew about them, but it seems so fleeting. Like I lied to myself again and again.
And only now I realize just how important they are to me.

FUCK!
I hate rotating priorities.

Creative Juices
So the cont is several artpieces for Y-Gallery, 1 long time owed piece in DA, catching up with posts in MGForums | damn damn damn ...

And where I am wondering where I've slipped to.

ReincarNation
Do I re-write my entire memory, life, priority and behaviour with every new environment I settle into. There's something wrong with me for sure.
Now what will happen if I choose to move out.
Will I forget many more things, or brush them to my subconscious to torment myself.

---

As clear as night, glass like stone.

2007-06-29T12:03:00.000+08:00

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Clarity
Is being able to find clarity of thought and mind a good thing? Are choices any easier, or do they simply make our justifications for our actions stronger?

Are we blinder still for our want of greater clarity?

--------

Vitreous
Do we always borrow strength as an illusion? As we say, it makes us stronger, is it only a fragile reasoning, an illusion of words and false inspiration to bolster ourselves?
If we grow stronger from that which does not kill us, do we not only have that one chance?

--------

Shimmering Mirage
How far should I go to believe my own lies? How soon should my beliefs hang on to these things beond my grasp? How does reaching for the stars, the beyond help me find my roots, always looking up?
Am I a better person because I say so, or by someone's spproval? When?

ps: Today's posting is uhmmm, somewhat random. Just trying to string some words together as a free-form practise. Nothing really emo about it actually. But I did realize something as I wrote it, and as I do, I will do more research on it. I may be having Night Terrors.

---

Prose

My insignicant thoughts, strangely, define me.
My conscious actions are without real pride or conviction because they can be waived by neither.
My wishes are extensions of a fantasy I use as a lifeline to life.
My patience is as tolerant as my needs need to be.
My dance mocks my living movements.
My song is critical to my voice.
And I am left with myself. this way.
Every moment of my life, till the last bright light burns into my cornea.

Butter Slippers

2007-06-28T11:24:00.000+08:00

Kowloon Yellow
---

The Orient
I abhor being asked what makes me chinese. I don't know the first way to answer that. The generic -easy-to-back-out-of way is to say 'My culture'.
But I lie.
Its not mine - not to claim anyways. I was born into it. I don't defend it, nor do I valiantly champion or embrace it lovingly as a lover. I think few of us do, unless we have a job at the Chinese Cultural Centre (C3) and their ilk.
So there - I don't know what it is to be chinese besides culture and general variant tone for asiatic skin hues between light to dark on the nutmeg'gy side.
*groan*
I should be disinherited by the ancestors.

Shortly After
I'm slowly preparing for this Saturday. I'm also trying to time myself, so I don't go over hte recommended 10 - 15 minutes. But you know 'artistes' - we'll take all the time we can. All 15 minutes of it! Of course I have, on some decent authority there are those who preceed me, who have taken a much more gravious period.
(evil laughter insert)
So yes, let's plan for my '15' minutes, shall we?

---

Prose

I wonder if one day or even one night, some late dark lonely night, if I would be a meal.
For an alien.
Like myself, having lunch in an hour.
Or dinner by the diner tonight.
I wonder if I would be an appetiser, an entree or, I shudder in glee to think, dessert.
Would I be slushy, or crunchy and sweet, maybe sour to the palate.
Won't you wonder with me?

Imago with her children green

2007-06-27T11:08:00.000+08:00

--------

Flightpath
"The trajectory of a moving projectile mass relative to a fixed reference."
"The precise route taken or due to be taken through the air"

Shoudln't we all have had it this easy?

Destiny, karma, fate
"The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined."

Do we really believe in this?

Wings of the Sea
I'm entranced by this memory sometimes. This early memory of watching an early piece of digital animation at its infancy back in the days. This story that seemed to capture every other moment in my past, future and present.

There's a clear bubble that hands in space someplace, and the globe is divided into two parts. The lower and upper half is segmented by a clear thin glass as well. Above, the birds fly free and in groups and families. Below, the fishes swim in clusters and much abandon.
But one inhabitant from each side seems to recognise a kinship.
And as close as they can veer to the glass bibble separation, you can see the exchange on wonder, awe and questions. They show each other things, like wings and fins and have flight/swim competitions but can never beyond that barrier.
To keep this short, the bird crashes down from on high to shatter the glass and the two worlds collide and intermingle.
But the concept, the visual, the memory of that world.
Its stays with me.
I think its been with me since I saw it back ... about 15 years ago, or maybe longer.

Sypnapsi
Never forget, I am told.
I see that message often, but I don't believe there are things to remember sometimes.

Focus
I have Jonathan Togo, Eric Szmanda, Sean Maher, Steve Bacic wallpaper looking back at me. I chose the more casual shots of them, unposed, smiling or caught in a moment. That sparkle in their eyes that say more than 'pose'.
Do I have that 'sparkle' ?
Do I relate to the world around me, or at least give something of a seeming? Is it a glamour?
Am I real relative to my environment?
Does the mirror show me to myself who I really am? Am I what I pretend to be?
Ask yourself.

---

Prose

I'm not sure I can do it, Grand Auntie.
I know some nights you listen and others you don't. Sometimes you even have a cloud over your eye and I pretty sure you really don't want to listen but I guess I'm just persistent then.

Tell me Grand Auntie - you seem so sure.
You have so many names, and you fulfill them all. Am I worthy of the one I have? Can I say with pride the name I was given, to live up to it?
I pray when you're silent. Though you are aloft on high, you are always my constant. It doesn't matter how many courtiers you entertain in the nights. It does not matter how high and far away you discern me with your critical white eye. I find security in you.

How are your cataracts?
Does it bother you, or blind you to my faults? Is that why I keep repeating them? Grand Auntie?

Tonight, I'm full of empty questions. I have to have my answers. I can no longer sleep without you touching my skin in the darkness. I can no longer tolerate the dark Uncle who scares me every night, in the middle and haunts me till dawn.
I think he see's me everywhere in the darkness. Even when I'm playing with my thoughts of drowning. I constantly search for you. I'm so far beneath you, I feel humbled by your distant grace, Grand Auntie.

Can you take me with you when I leave? I have no bags to pack. I'm a simple person, but with many complex thoughts. Maybe I'll be punished for having so many thoughts. I will take my pillow. I don't like neck aches when I wake up. But I suppose I'll always be sleeping in your palace.
Your cold white palace.
Tell me about where you live again, Grand Auntie.

Tonight, hold out your arms to me. Receive your dutiful child, when I return.
Tonight, Grand Auntie.
I come home.

Fireflies in Space

2007-06-25T20:20:00.000+08:00

--------

Game Over
There's a strong desire to refresh.
To step back and take account for all the things that have come to pass. There's a fear holding me back as well. The monsters we left behind, the damning memories we intentionally left to be forgotten and worse still, the fact we will realize the parts of ourselves we always intended to hate.
So here I am.

Insti-gates
I'm going to re-evaluate my relationships.
Who are the people I surround myself with, who shape my life as I shape theirs. The perceptions, the outlook on life, the support. What gives, and what does not, and what takes ... too much or too little.
Do I stay true and loyal out of obligation, out of memory and childhood camaderie? Even if we are too far apart when standing back to back - what is there truly to hold on to?
Have I looked too far past those who could have been true friends to me, because I was too blindsided by bias and hearsay?
I ask now.
I am asking myself.
It'll take some time, perhaps. Maybe. It will take time. The rest of the year I give myself.
To be true.

Peace,
Serenity, Come unto me.

---

Prose

A heart wrapped in thorns as its often described.
Was my gift to the world.
As much a gift it was that was born unto me.
My words were never truer still
The gift of thorns around this heart.

The world owes us nothing
When we ask for much.
My aching black head is filled
With hate. the frozen scorn
Of the gift of thorns.

My mind has sunken into darkness
To where no saviour dare breach
The tears fall too slowly
Fill the cavern to swim above.
To the heart wrapped in thorns.

There's no forever,
to prolong this feeling.
There's no moment passing by, to save me.
Take this heart of mine,
this gift of thorns.

Celestium

2007-06-15T16:06:00.000+08:00

---

What celestial choir do you resonate?

---

Boon of the Erth

2007-06-11T11:17:00.000+08:00

-------

Red and blue
I'm travelling between the rivers of angry resentment and lethargic depression.
I feel like a shambling, unsteady bridge of twigs and mud, haloed by the impending glow from the waters below. I might crumble, fall and drown, swept away someplace.

Migration
The Canadian High Comission mailed a polite and well outlined (which is a nice gesture that I appreciate) letter to the house. Its was a soft way of rejecting my Brother's PR request and sponsorship to Canada. He was to go under my parents as a dependant.
I understand the costings he will incur, and if he made it - they would pay for his training, adaptation into society there (they have wonderful government social responsibility), and as I understand it, have someone to watch over him (social wroker) to check in on him occasionally.
I could be wrong, but it has to be better than here.
I don't see our government with the financial or social backing (blame the citizens partially), for handling the handicapped; physical and mental.

5 years we waited.
Year after year, as evalutation dates are pushed back for new reinstatement and reconsideration laws into Canada (due to pressure from the US a year after 9/11) to be more stringent. The tsanami catastrophe, as they are given precedent on applications first (they are socially conscious, which relfects this action) ...
And the money spent ...

Mirror
It might have been easier if I were in the family inclusion package for PR sponsorship. Even though my brother would have beem entered as a "burden on state", my qualification as a professional would have balanced things out.
But no.
The delays meant I was well over 25, and already working. It wou;d have to be me as under 21 to be claimed as a dependant or even as long as I was still studying - but I couldn't just keep studying.
Now to begin again?
If he were to apply under me now, it would be weird c oz my parents are still alive and he's not a dependant on me, until something happens to my parents. And ... like that's a better choice.
We can appeal - but unless we are under more dire straits, it would change little.

Fuck.
fuck the shitty damn shit ass fucking twat machine crank pussy whacker shithole wonder ass-licking crackwhore fuck.
And I say that in the quietest, mildest way I can.

---

Prose

When Tide told Time,
he could not wait.
Time obliged and followed.
I was left behind.
Suffering from the cold void.
The winds of abandonment.

There were no snakes
that crawled in temptation.
No ladders to lend their weight.
Bleak, laughable silence.
I thought it would last.

Writers who read, make readers of the word.

2007-06-09T12:47:00.000+08:00

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Fact of Pride
The Violet Quill

In its narrowest sense, the Violet (or Lavender) Quill was simply a circle of gay male writers in Manhattan who met a few times in 1980 and 1981 to read to one another from their works in progress. In a much larger sense, however, the Violet Quill commands interest because this group of friends and rivals--Christopher Cox, Robert Ferro, Michael Grumley, Andrew Holleran, Felice Picano, Edmund White, and George Whitmore--helped create the post-Stonewall renaissance of American gay male writing.

The members of the Violet Quill were quite different from one another and did not consciously constitute a "school," but collectively and individually they placed homosexuality at the very center of their literary visions.

As David Bergman has observed, they "shared several impulses: a desire to write works that reflected their gay experiences, and specifically, autobiographical fiction; a desire to write for gay readers without having to explain their point of view to shocked and unknowing heterosexual readers; and finally, a desire to write . . . in a selection of the language really used by gay men."

In retrospect, they may be seen as pioneers in the struggle to create a literature that reflected the social revolution wrought by the Stonewall uprising. Their works chronicle both the headiness of the early years of gay liberation and the tragedy of the AIDS epidemic, to which four of the seven have succumbed.- Claude J. Summers.This Entry Copyright © 1995, 2002 New England Publishing Associates. www.glbtq.com/literature/violetquill.html

---

... because we should all write with such passion, want and exploration. We should all be driven by ourselves and the world around us. Because we have to speak, to say and to write.
- me

---

The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates.
- Oscar Wilde

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GAY PRIDE MONTH 2007

2007-06-08T18:55:00.000+08:00

---------
Gary Pride Month: 2007

(in America, anyways)

Video
Yes, I will be attempting to make, the, you know, uhm, video blog thingies.
Youtube.
Yea.
Well, at least for this Gay Pride month to say: WOOHOO!
---

Prose
This month after May
In America, they say
Its all month, all day
Be merry and well, gay.

I celebrate my diversity
I sleep with all colours
I know with some certainty
I love creamy white showers.

Judge me not, have some pride
We are greater united
We change trends and the tide
We're gay, I'm excited.

So this month, this June
I proclaim with clarity
Watch out, it'll be soon
I'm on the loose, I'm Gary.
---

Battalion of Words

2007-06-07T14:56:00.000+08:00

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The Queen of War is Silent
The way it always is.

Readings
Am I on the list for Seksan House this June?
I don't know. I'll ask in a couple more days.
... But there's an Open Mic at MPH Bangsar Village II. saturday, this. 3.oo PM, as I rush to work. 2-3 minutes, and I'm fretting over what to read. Prose or Poetry ... eep. I actually have prepared material, unlike my other 2 open mic experiences (thanks Pat and Priya!).

And its free admission, which means kids might be there.
And its under KLua - Could I use offensive vocabulary? I don't know. But if its to be an exploration of open words and tunes, should I not be censored for content because of sensitive language? How about content? Can I EMO much?
Sharanya will be there.
Hmmm's.
She's a feature of the event, so is Accolade Niccolade.

i'm not even sure I can leave work soon enough and sign up 45 minutes before event showtime.

Running Start
Trying to get a running start on things. i've slowed down.
Again.
Must ... run ... faster ... and catch up before I'm left way behind again.

Food
I feel like Canoli.
Eating Canoli ... mmmHmmm ...
I went for spicy Pan Mee the other day which I didn't end up thinking or tasting the chilli-ness of it, but my stomache did. For 2 days.
Bah.
mmmHmmm Canoli.

---

Prose
Imperfection is sublime and its stands to prove our existence.

---