Five Crossed Constellations

Voucher
Long story short.
I walked past a Border’s open book sale and noticed a few people drawing in front of the stage. I came in late, but since I was waiting for a movie to start yesterday, I joined the “Manga Drawing Contest”.
The judges were from local comic and animation industries, and would have been nice if they arranged a discussion between the participants and the contestants later to critique work and stuff. Make proper use of their time and expertise.
Anyways …. It was surprising since it was really a time-spender thing for me and in 2 age categories (8 – 15) and (16 and above), as well as only about 12 participants where there are 3 prizes for both categories being given out. All I had was my mechanical pencil in my bag and I saw some of the participants with full colour Copic markers. Wow.
I won the older category with a first place voucher of RM 200.00 to spend at Borders. Wonder if I can drag this voucher to last till next May to buy the new Dungeon and Dragons PHB 4.0 RuleSet.

Mixed feelings
Relationships,
which I question whether I’m really ready for one.
I want to make sure I’m not mistaking this nice feeling as just a fun time (which I’m not opposed to of course!) or if … its really him. I want to be fair to him. Of all things, I need to be honest in this and for the both of us. And also consider my own promise to myself.
Friendships,
Where the dynamics have changed and its making me uncomfortable. I must teach myself to accept that I am not and cannot always maintain or have the opportunity to reaffirm my place as certain individuals friends no matter how much I may like d to. Or even how much I would have liked the rapport and closeness we felt as friends in the past / previous productions. Its silly ot me to think, I could be more especially when I can barely make the time … such as they have for their own inner circle. It sucks to feel left out, but I’ll come to terms with that, I have to … right?
I should be happy just knowing I have the few friends that I have … the few friends that I know are, for as much meaning as the word can hold are … friends.
So, a sincere thank you for those who’ve treated me in kind and hardly left a doubt at the end of the day, or week or month, even after the messiest of storms, to those who’ve stuck on with me.
Thanks.
Now I’m all misty-eyed.
Must be the fact I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

I need sleeping pills.

Less Angry
And I’ve said it many times before. Gosh! - I want support for this!
I want some kind of social encouragement that’ll say it’s a the better road, the higher road. I tell myself that but that fad is waning fast and I need a new perspective to run achieve that.
I’m not sure I can do it alone.

Massage
I’m going in for the Blind Man’s Massage at this un-signage-d parlour at KL Sentral. My old friend is leading me there again. He’s such a connoisseur of such places. Ha Ha.
Of course, I don’t think I’m quite brave or confident enough to actually try the sauna’s and bathhouses upstairs.
I’m much more content getting a good massage downstairs, Hanky-Hand-Panky optional and subject to how well the massage was, and often times at these visually handicapped guys are pretty good :D I’m glad to say!


Ideal
I fear to think what the “ideal” man is, the “ideal” date would be … and I shudder to begin to imagine what the “ideal” day could even be …

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I need more good memories. We all could.

Yugoloth Dreams

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Sick
Between the 5 am jolts to consciousness and the bouts of nasal blockage, work line-ups and acting in a play at night ... I think I'm coping ok.
But ... feeling very beside myself.

Hooked
Yes, I will concur with some friends.
FaceBook is addicting.
I hope the addiction doesn't last long, but the FluffPets are killing me. They're the reason I go back to check on them all the time :(
Sigh - I suppose this comes from having an allergy to many varied species of the animal kingdom during my youth. Allergies, be damned.

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Prose

Little circular bores of circles, drill.
Concentric shapes into my skull, driving the brain
with Vibrations than do it no good.

Respect does the same thing.
I think the difference between that and obligation and duty is nary a hair's breadth long. But we carry it like a lifelong heritage burdened by our own self of self-social upbringing.

Life-Challenged

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Life-Inept
Okay, I'll attribute some of today's text mood to the fact I'm suffering from a stuffed nose and my sinuses have flared up again, in light of the humid rainy chilling weather all day long in an air conditioned office staring at a computer screen.
Did I mention that I'm having a Open Night for my play tonight ... ? In a couple of hours. And any strong medicine I may take to help me through this might konk me out and perhaps cause some drowsiness, because we all know how little effective non-drowsiness flu medicine there is available in Malaysia.
And so, I feel life-inept.
Ill-equipped to walk this road to life, this journey into discovery.
Damn.

Prayer
I hope the shows goes well ... uhhh, up to the end of its run, yes?


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Prose

Breathe free,
effervescent delight.
Amidst the haze of allergens and spring dust
I want to breathe free.
We all do.
Away with the pills,
Away with the bland meals,
Away with the constraints of bed sheets.
Just make me
Breathe free.

Fingers pointing to the Flame

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the Angry man
I guess it holds some truth. You do get angrier as you grow older.
I don't know how comfortable I'll be knowing I'll be an angry man in the future.
It has come to my attention, I am not the same person I was just so few years ago. I realized it, but I did not realize just how much of a public face anger could wear.
I always thought otherwise, but I guess I was wrong.
I am wrong.

Change
Necessary, natural, neutral and unconcerned about the affairs of men.
I will flow with it.
I must embrace it, or die stuck in my own time and character.
So I'll begin.
Quiet.

Diversion
Personal devotion to something to calm me. Missing. I think.
I have to try and remember the lessons of my youth.
I miss that person. He was aware but soft.
I miss soft.
I've baked into a crust, a brusque shell of unconcern and opinion. I use the excuse that I am only so angry because I care, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
I miss myself.

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Birth

I wonder if a snail can tell time moving as it does at that pace.
Does the world spin dizzily too fast, or hauntingly slow as it considers the path before it.

Do the birds in flight look below the world from high above.
Can it see into the lattice of humankind life and wink at the sun and sea in lofty caws.

Will the seas spill their secrets to the shores.
Or have already but our blindness allow the sands to words to slip back to their sad waters.

I will pick a side although I wonder which.
I don't know if it'll have me, sore from the waiting, ill from the need, strange from wanting.

In the heart of mine, burns the flame caught still.
The skin is covered frigid cold with numbness than spider crawls across the pores and cracks.

I was born wrong.
I was born for change.
I was born for no reason.
I was borne.

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The 7th 100 Eye

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You_TV_Tube
Yea - catching up on all the Ambiguously Gay Duo episodes on YouTube.
Funny (tee hee hee) ... that and Dame Edna.
The newer stuff and her older shows.

Rehearsals
Was very frustrated yesterday night. Angry at myself and consequently upset and everything else related too closeby.
Maybe this whole thing isn't such a good idea, but I have to do it now.
Huge difference of intention and state of mind when you "want" to do something and you "have" to do something - even if they are the same thing.

Let's hope I can catch up by ... oh ... Sunday.
Its Bump-in on Sunday and Showtime on Thursday.
I need to know my lines!

Back to Origins
I've mentioned I need to simplify and uncomplicate things. I constantly need to remind myself of it. Its certainly not easy and I can only wish it would make my life easier.
Maybe it won't ever be, thats a possibility.
But just as well, it may as well.
Crap.
You suck, life.

Gym
It actually makes sense to go back to that routine. And it would help a lot. Its more personal than I'd ever thought it could be and I wasn't compelled by anything but a desire to commit simply and relax then when I was at the gym doing my stuff.
Somethings unbalanced, unhinged, and I have to find the fulcrum again.

Awards
Yea, my friend Dann, won a bunch of things for this short short story thing. I figured there were a lot of important people in some industries at the awards I accompanied him for. He's going to Bali, won a free MotoRazor and I was mistaken for his PR Agent. Ha ha!
Serve me right for going around asking relevant question about the details of the prizes on his behalf.
Still I met this guy there who I've had this minor crush on in art college. He's lost a lot of his muscle bulk and all, but he's still attractive to me!
Yea, its the same contest I told him and urged him to join.

Karma
I've told my friend Dann, that someday, I hope Karma is racking up all the points to repay me. I've helped friends, get jobs, win prizes, informed them of opportunities and plugged in the right people to them when they needed the contacts and info. And here I am, stressing, awardless and prizeless.
-sigh-
Life, you suck.

Reminders
Great! I just reminded myself, I have to write something Malaysiana for this weekends OpenMikeGig at PJ.
Oops.

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Prose

Delightful slippets of nighty night
Daytime reverie playtime.
Sleep now for fourty winks.
Come fleeting for me
In the slippers of your eyelids.

Scuttlewing and Left for Deed

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Chill
Its cold and chilly tonight. The kind that gives my body the mild premonition of a fever.
I think I'm getting sick.
I could walk about and warm up, but the entire building is frosty shivery and since it rained outside for the last hour or so, its the same outside.
Bah-hun-bug.

Patience
So I wait for my rehearsals to begin.
The few we have left.
I'm apprehensive about the whole show, but some niggling doubts of me feel completely free of responsibility of it. Utterly abandoning free and absolved.
Maybe I'm going into auto-pilot. A mechanical action freeing me of all conscious decisions to care. To do exact what is told and nothing more and nothing less.

Puzzle Recognition
Vince Chong, our local talented singer (who'll be in performing in "Frogway" The Actors Studio ), stopped to asked we we meet before.
I dont think so. Really, I dont.
Though he's much cuter IRL than in photos.
And I'd liked to know him better.
Perhaps ... it was the slightly longer than usual eye contact. I was checking him out trying to place him in my memory - not sure it was a celebrity. But it lingered long enough for him I suppose to register as a "recognizable" stare.
Oops.
Still, he looks like a darling in person.

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Prose

Interrupted. Between. Lines. I'm happy for him, I am. Pause. Between. Breaths. I'm not lying. Down, I mean, when I heard it. Drop. Fallen. News. Really, I am. Thats how you know. Interrupted. Blind. Mistress. I wish it was otherwise.

Pitcher of Perfection

The girl and her dollhouse.

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Deathlines
Its now the 13th - and the play I'm involved in opens on the 23rd. Thats about 9 days time. And we only have 5 more rehearsals. How's that for a plays death sentence.
We have enough to put on a show, but is it worth it to see, or to be staged ... I don't know. The director seems to think its going along well enough, judging from her behaviour and generally laissez-faire attitude. She seems calm enough about it.
Wonder if she'll part of share some secret about her confidence and apparent placidness concerning the play and our performance.

So much for this toy house production, I konw in my heart its an amateur performance but I really want it to be as professional as I can.

It hurts kinda to know I can walk away wth no regret or problem.
It hurts to know that I won't have a contract because I won't be paid for this. I can screw up and not really give a shit, with only work ethic being my only conscience.
It hurts because this is really just a feat to payback what I'm being charged for on the company printing mistake several months back.
(its really more of a sympathetic pang - nothing quite so gut-wrenchingly painful, so no worries, eh)

Work
It does seem to have slowed down a bit since the mad rush is mostly over for me. The rest will just be beginning for the rest of the office. I will have to catch up on all the other things and work lined up from before but I know I can take it slower, and thats always good at work.

Dates
I've lined up a few things. I have a full day on a coming Sunday. After a full run- I'll be rushing off to read at the OMG (Open Mike Gig) held at the Food Foundry, PJ, courtesy of my friends Pat and Priya. Yea!
I'll be looking forward to that, altho' I may have a problem with the Malaysiana theme. I don't exactly know how many of my pieces and writing really reflect Malaysiana as a whole or partial piece even. I'd like to think of my amateur writing as ... more universal. I have neither the skill nor experience to write anything more aptly detailed.

Dating
Its working out ok. But I'm not sure I'm settling for ok anymore.
I need to be more demanding, I need ... more now. I've come to realize I've settled a lot in the past, because, I guess, I wanted to always be someone better, like I wasn't good enough. But I've got to stop that.
Thats the reason why I had this stupid sabbatical in the first place. To place myself first and work on myself from within, regardless of how cliche that may be. damn it ...
And the guy needs to know this. I know I've mentioned it to him, but I torn to really letting him know how serious I need this to work for me. Not for us ... just me.

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Prose

I clown around the fringes of a man's thoughts. I idle away at the working woman who never thinks she's enough. I spin dizzily at a childs disregarding upbringing.
I am a lost conscience.

Close your eyes, voluntarily to me.
No more talk of wonders, no more open battles lest we see it coming. We are covert, stealthy operatives to the core of the soul. And we strike painlessly, lest we feel.

Signet of words, we used long ago.
Fall heedlessly to sealed ears. The flaps of the lobe skin strung and sealed across the earhole. The eardrum humming to the selfless thoughts we wish only to hear but never listen.

And I hate. With a hunger.
Run away with me to close a chapter of human greed.
I will show you mute music, blinding light and many more things you cannot imagine because you were taught never to.

I settle across the brow of the permanent frowns. I sink between the wrinkles and creases of pristine perfect dermatological miracles. I whet on the stirrings of primal consumerism working up the evolutionary ladder.
I am the lost conscience.