Up, up and Away! Its a Protein Bar!

-----

First things Ahoy!

We're all up and applied. Barring any bad delays (please please please let me make the deadline which is today), and I sent the package by DHL last week. As long as it doesn't get lost or my registered race partner and I didn't screw up in out application, its out of our hands.
It would suck not being able to make it because of the disqualification like misinformed applications, incomplete entries or over the 3 - minute video limit.
Which reminds me ... its on YouTube!

--- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eekJx9X4dlQ ---

And thank god I disabled public comments posting, the pieces of crap commentary I've filtered. I half expected shitheads to post and humanity has reassured me there are real shitheads out there ... That and a healthy dose of people who believe their words are smarter, more observant and more valid that others.
All I can say is that, until they've the gumption to try actually try it out for themselves or see how difficult enough to put the effort into applying, there really are validating themselves very well. And I'm putting it as mildly as I can now.

And for everyones information - Vince is a really good friend and I want to thank his long time boyfriend, Brian (Oh gawd, has it been like .... years since they've been together!) - for helping us film us.

---

Work

So work has been a bit of a pester.
Then again, I've been trying to do some of my work early by a month to make the coming months lighter in workload. Sigh - pay now, enjoy later?

Budget

Ok, so the pay hasn't changed.
Job offers aren't rolling in and the one that I've found - its still in KL (Ampang and otherwise), but thats' really still the problem. One of the main reasons I want to change jobs is the distance (which eats a huge hole in my budget!).
Followed by wanting to work for a profit-based company again. There' are pro's here but they are kept ub check by the wasted time in traffic and money in petrol and tolls.
On Chap Goh Meh last Thursday, I intentionally left work a half hour early to make Reunion Dinner and still got home 2 hours late ...
Bah - Hum - Bug ...
And I just filed for taxes ...
And I need to vote ...
My darn annual car payments (insurance) is coming soon - which makes me wonder if the money I've saved will help me purchase a laptop ? new computer + out-coming fav MMO / AgeofConan? an actually holiday trip to Thailand? a nest egg for whatever freaky emergency that might emerge later?

On the other hand, I've actually managed to save three times as much as I usually do this month! Thanks to it being a SHORT month and CNY.

---

Year of the Gym Rat

And as a promise to myself - I will be joining a gym after my birthday ... in ... I was gonna say a couple of days, but its crept up way too fast - Tomorrow in fact.
I'm reassuring myself not to worry - that I've actually budgeted for it.
But to be honest, its a 70/30 that I'll keep payments. But it needs to be done.

I'm starting to not like myself - yes, its the dip in the sine/co-sine wave again. But I seem to be taking it better without a lot less drama than in my teenage youth sans the reckless emotional abandon (which I nostalgically miss).
And to some degree, I know that going to the gym again will help me deal with things, especially myself. I always thought I'd be disillusioned going to the gym before with all the wonderfully hard work of the people there to look good and feel healthy. Ranging from the heath conscious to the vapid gay poster boys of the city.
But I didn't.
As long as I knew what I was there for - I felt good.
And thats a feeling that doesn't come by very often.

----
Prose

Writ and write
no longer defines
the phrases and turn
of words refine
no moss for rolling stones.

Tide and pride
tilt high and low
Tally sins and glory
Tell me to go.

That does it! Racing for time!

----

Fate
Okay – something has to had happened.
At least by now.

Is it that time of year again?

I’m gonna be quitting this city’s job in a couple of months, which experience had taught me anything can be over in a flash. Then the whole worry of where money would be coming in will begin to annoy me again.

So what do I have to lose when I’m making this next decision.

Nothing that I haven’t’ already had, considered, would have, risked already.
Besides buying a lottery ticket on my birthday and hoping I will strike RM 4 mil. Richie rich like this other dude from a couple years back who played for the first time.

Karma
So … here’s to whether the Piscean or the Equine will win out this Rodentia year. Or at least strike a mutual beneficial bargain!


Race
Yes … I will applying to the AXN Asia’s Amazing Race.
… if I can find an idiot who’s willing to take the risk with me.
That is if by the slimmest of chances we even make it to the final selection round. Chances are even if I make it to be one the 10 teams from Asia to compete, I’ll still be happy to be the first few eliminated – at least I got to see a few countries (LOL)!!! ... and you only turn 30 once.

Modelloid
And even though I’m not the biggest fan of his …
Be within touching distance of the physically hunky Allan Wu.
Hey, I may have little respect for him (since I don’t know him) – but DAMN! He’s a hottie McHottie Hunk! And that goes especially to what seems to be his intelligent gait and demeanor. That’s turns me on!
_ sigh _ which is why I try to avoid guys like him … coz I know I’ll make all the wrong decisions if I got anyone like him.

Grief
But enough about that – I have issues.









Sic.
Kinda feeling turquoise all over, not quite green with envy.
Knowing so many people doing stuff I wish I could and hen mildly feeling flaked over cause I wasn’t part of it by proxy of being their ‘assumed’ friend.
I guess that reminds me of how much of an acquaintance I’ve been to anybody I meet most of the time.
Or I don’t fit the glamour-kin profile. (( sigh ))

Closing Time
I've barely saved what I wanted to save this month even though I've cut on expenses and half my lunches (by D'oh, not eating) and eating at home and not out.
Hating it.

---

Celebs Passing By

---

Quiet on the front.

Although I got wind of the news of Heath's (ledger) passing early on - I got informed through a news feed through an artists gallery forum I'm part of, - I believe I was more stunned by another celebrity passing the week before.

But in proper order first;

Brad Renfro - July 25, 1982 – January 15, 2008 (aged 25)

Heath Ledger - April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008 (aged 28)

---

Both promising.
Both found dead in their homes, in their bed ... on a tuesday.
Both suspected cause of death by drugs (abuse, overdose, accidental) Tox reports are only only released in public 6 - 8 weeks after. Autopsies begin around 2 - 4 days after discovery. Kind of - i may be inaccurate about this.

Renfro seemed to be the more tragic (life, acting discovery and circumstance) to me - but its in the past now, so I won't ponder about it.
'The Cure' was one of my favourite movies of his, altho' 'The Client' was really his breakthrough performance. Picked up from the streets for auditions, he was, ya know :D

Just a journal post to mention this thats all.

---

Arden of Shakespearo

---
Gasp!

Read on GUComics.com

" For a few months now the Zapper has been without zappees, but here at the beginning of the year it's really been cranked up. Yesterday, I had to decide whether to do a comic about Star Trek Online, or about the subject of today's comic "Arden: The World of William Shakespeare".

Arden is an MMO set in the 1600s featuring characters, surprisingly enough given the full title, from the works of the great bard. Edward Castronova, an associate professor of telecommunications and the creator of the game, "abadonned" the project and released it to the public as is. The game was funded by a $250,000 MacArthur Foundation grant and was meant to study economic theories. Castronov's reason for discontinuing development was simply "It's no fun".
Source: Technology Review [ more info ]

Now, it's an interesting idea for an MMO. And despite being meant to study economical theory it'll probably would have served as a great teaching tool or a study aid. But as Castronova admits himself, you need a bit more challenge to keep gamers engaged, if you're shooting to contend with some of the other huge MMOGs on the market.

The idea of making and MMO set within the works of a famous literature is an interesting one. Hopefully, Arden serves as a leaping point for other developers to attemp it and not as an example of "why it won't work"."

NOW THAT would have been an INTeresting MMO!!!
---

... I think I can ...

-----

Games
This review pretty much sums up the update. And I was looking forward to either ... sort of.

" In recent months Perpetual Entertainment (Now called P2 Entertainment) has abandonned Gods & Heroes (despite being near completion), liquidated their assets, became embroiled in a legal battle with their PR firm Kohnke, and have now decided not to continue development on the much anticipated MMO Star Trek Online.
Source: Destructoid [ more info ]

Our pals at WarCry are reporting that the license and content for the game have been passed on to another developer, the code however has not. [ more info ] Now, I'm not an MMO developer myself, but it would seem to me that sets the project back significantly. And where that doesn't exactly mean the game has been zapped, for the time being it might as well be. " - GUComics.com

and from the Official website. Related news on the front

"BioWare Corp. Licenses Perpetual Entertainment's Online Technology Platform for Upcoming MMO Game June 28, 2007 - BioWare's Austin studio has licensed Perpetual's online technology platform for an upcoming Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) title. The agreement gives BioWare - the company best known for their award-winning Baldur's Gate™ and Neverwinter Nights™ series, as well as the 2003 Game of the Year, Star Wars®: Knights of the Old Republic™ - the platform to deploy and support its online titles utilizing Perpetual's industry-leading technology for online game operations, deployment, infrastructure development, and community support." - http://www.perpetual.com/

I'll just have to wait and see now ...

---

Cosmic

Horror-scopes
Seriously. my Chinese horse sign bodes slightly ill fated for the year, and the Western fish sign is optimistic at best. Both the Yin / Yang - Eastern / Western embodiments of my fate in the stars and planets always clash every year.
Stuck between blessed good fortune and hellspawn pits of despair.
I'm never gonna get anywhere with this now, am I?

Altho' both say its a decent chance of meeting someone special this year if I'm single - wait for it, there's a catch. .... even if its going to be a short relationship. Iffy on the job front.

GAKKKKHHH!!!

Lust
I'm very tempted to engage in anynomous sexual encounters all readily available on the net, rampant in the city and the niches of gay KL / PJ.
Tempted. Even if my head knows better ... yes, the one on my neck.

Reset
My mode is on.
Cleared up cluttering emails, in 2 very messy accounts. Not sure if I'm able to recover the Yahoo ones. Those may be lost causes by now.
Including my one special Art Acct, which is linked on the side anyways.

Books
...and I've picked up reading again ... (shhhhhh)

---

Cylon-ic Space Ic-on

---

Catching up
... with movies! I've yet to see Brokeback Mountain.
Even after hearing so much about it, reading the reviews and all the grateful things its done for some rural individuals who couldn't connect or identify to their feelings out in the sparse prairesque landscape. Sort of inspiring for its time.
And its about time I resolve to watch it.

Reset Button
After hearing someone talk about Sailor Moon (him being an avid fan, I have a feeling I only got the tip of the iceberg rundown in that half hour), I can't help but wonder if we could all use a 'reset' button like ... Sailor Saturn.
She's considered rather unremarkable in terms of Sailor powers but she has this one thing, this ability, this force to completely annihilate the galaxy so that Sailor Moon may rebuild it.
I sometimes daydream if I had a way to completely reset my entire life to another existence.
Another birth, another country, another way.
To start from a clean slate.

Like so many who wish the same thing, even for a second no matter what state of lie you're in. Its an almost morbid curiousity to wonder what it would have been like, which pretty much means wondering what its like to completely and utterly let go of your current life.
If I had a reset button, I guess I would trade it for the world.

Then reset.

Tempted much
Like Chocolate. I want to be terrifyingly vapid knowing that too much could kill me. But like chocolate, in small doses it good for the heart ... and soul.

Budget
Fire and Stinkin' Rain! I hate this like Budgies hate snakes.
Trying to save enough to pay any annual fee's that will pop up in the middle of the year. Which will pop up no doubt and I better have some ready cash.

Gym
Been whining about it forever. Have to take in account of time, location and budget. Although as an alternative, there's probably loads of yummy guys, I've a feeling it'd be more stress-reliving than window-watching. Or ... both, it don't have to be mutually exclusive I suppose.

Argh!

Reviews
'In the name of the King' was rated lower than 'Gigli' internationally. Well to sources, like 'metacritic' and r'ottentomatoes'.
Now I HAVE to watch it.
'Jarum Halus' has a bunch of acquaintances I know. Guess I'd be curious to watch that.
Next month.

Chinese New year
Yes yes ... its coming.
Which means more to spend in coming preparation - oh groan!
And every year it seems to grow smaller and smaller, less grandiose for me. I'm not sure its a perspective thing, like how everythings bigger as a kid.
Maybe its because its more conservative budgets now, as the country seems to be metaphorically sinking into a mild economic recession. Inch by inch, every year, slowly. As prices go up EVERYWHERE except for my paycheque.
Families are growing smaller too with each passing death.
it'll pick up again I suppose, as my cousins are all getting pregnant and giving birth over the last 2 years or so.

So the cycle begins again.

Reset.
---

Art, come back to me.

Shell - phone - home

---

Food Critique
Dammit! I did it again, I ate (slightly) spicy Malay food. Well, everything was kind spicy so there was choice, but not 'non-spicy' ones.
Looks like the tummy's gettin' all old on me too.

Trailers
'Cloverfield' looks interesting. Read the synopsis / spoiler. Reads fun, looks like a couple fun looking guys in it too.
There's goes RM 10 - 14 depending on where I watch it (excluding parking costs).

Music
So far RadioBlogSpot has been really fun to introduce me to bands, artistes I've never heard but seem really cool!
All I do is type in roughly whatever artiste I wanna hear (eg. frente, pink, chevelle) and at random choose one son that links me to a HUGE personalised album of another person which includes artists and songs I haven't heard of before but most sound realllllly COOL!
i.e. I've found some nice tyler hilton duets, mylene farmer, dandy wharhols, musical la roi soleil, etc ...
Yea for other people's albums which are random to me!

Sex
I'm fluctuating between 'Whatever, I can do with for none for awhile' - 'Gah! I'm so horny, I wonder how many times a day I can whack off!'.
Its pathetic.

Pattern
Trying ... mucho TRYING to catch up on work at work. So far ... I'm catching up, which is ALREADY GOOD !!!
Now we'll see how long this stretch will last.

Gaming Geek Update
Still hoping when Neverwinter Nights 2 : GOLD (hopefully includes the Mask of Betrayer expansion) comes out, it won't kill my computer.
Not to mention - March 2008 when Age of Conan MMORPG too which I'm been following up on for 2 years now since I quite WoW.

4Th Ed. DnD will just have to wait ... bah!

I must try and ignite / refuel my passion for gaming. I think its been in a slump as well.
Art and Gaming used to go hand in hand as I visualised everything in my head and was tempted to draw it all out.

If anything goes full circle this year, please let it be that.
Art & Gaming.

---

Granulais

Grains of sand
---

Test

Let's see how many people read my blog (Lollerskates!)

Work

I'm preparing to leave after my one year here.
I've ... thought a bit about it, and I've realized with me, I get over-involved sometimes, much the othe exclusion to everything else.

Life

I've not drawn or illustrated anything since I began this stretch of work which makes it ... ONE YEAR!
So it seems if I were to focus - its as if, the rest of my life dissolves away into a blur.
Now I want to get back into the ring of sorts and start doing .... something personal, which means, my work has currently suffered as of late.

Barring personal issues (family and related) - I'm trying to wonder whether I can do something it this year.

Shit! I almost hate myself (and of all times, when I'm close to hitting 30).
I get involved in one thing and the rest start to fal apart, then when I try and "Buck Up", "Catch up" or whatever ... things start to flounder as Murphy's La oft states 'If something can go wrong, it WILL go wrong".

So where does that leave me.

Hopefully
- Working closer to home
- Less time travelling, more time for myself and my art
- Less expenses on travel, more to meet up with friends and track acquaintances

At least, thats what I'm crossing my fingers for.

---

[L]ucky D:ucky Cr'zy

I don't chat

---

Chatter*box*

At least not of the online variety. Something about it twinges on the borders of Scary and Impersonal for me. Maybe its sheer voluminous potential to misread, misconstrue my words because intention is ill-dressed and nuances are barely conveyed in simple written hastily constructed sentences meant to mimic actual conversation.

In an email, there is more forethought and proper construction and consideration for the text. In letter-writing more so, especially since the handwriting lends more character, depth and in-between lines subtlety.
In a conversation, we have body language, pauses to gauge discomfort, inflection and tone.
In the mad hashed-up world of online chatting which coalescences conversational writing at its worst ... everything can do wrong.

I used to get every chat programme thinking I could just get into the vibe of connections with acquaintances in the faint hope of making a tonnage of friends (acquaintances) ... I don't anymore.
They lie idle ... and I've pretty much forgotten my first ICQ number. Although I'd probably recognize if I were to see the sequence of numbers again.

Call me moldy that way.

I do however, SMS, MMS stuff. But if it turns conversational with more than 3 text exchanges between us - I dial in the number.
If you're free enough to text that much, I figure - you're free enough for a phone conversation.

---

M:ink

The show Miami Ink is starting to grow on me.
It gets into a droning pattern like most shows after awhile, but since I'm only catching it occasionally when I remember to turn on the TV, its still fun!
I can see why too much of it can get horribly depressing but me likes the art!

---

Drudgery

Oh yes ... its starting to settle in.
At work.
It the same all over the years. I'd loathe to admit it but it happens. Maybe I'm just not cut out for a desk job.
I ... never mind.
I suppose many people have seen it in different ways, this pattern of mine.
Wants Change of Creative environment (shifting) - Quits too soon and at everythingn
Needs Constant Stimuli - Lack of endurance and drive (and ambition while we're there)

Pro's and Con's, darkness and light.

So its strange that in the last few weeks, I've been described as 'hard-working' when for others I've been 'demotivated' and 'lazy'.
I admit to both at this juncture.
I feel great in short bursts of work which is probably why I love freelance work (as long as I can get more of them, enough to supplement an actual income).
And I also feel better if it were or someone else.

Let me try to explain it to myself in written word. The best time I've felt doing design or creative work was when I knew I was doing it for someone else that didn't hire me. Like when helping out a friend or contributing to someone else's work. Lack of self entitlement to the piece but knowing I got to contribute to the whole makes me feel tingly.
Its the secret knowledge in knowing, I helped. Love joint projects and collaborations.
Those times gave me joy in solace.
... and then I move on.

Not the most practical I know, and if nothing else sounds totally matyrdomic (if there were a word to describe it) and nomadic in a sense.

---

Mobility

Crave.
Like people need options. Do we want options or do we need them? I feel that we say we want options even if we always choose or do the same thing over and over again. Like picking a bad boyfriend. The options give us comfort whether bad or good.
I don't go deeper than that because I'm trying to behave and not supra-analyze so much this year.
Its strange to be curious and practicing acceptance on so many levels but end up analytical over it anyways.

---

Pointy end

So where does that leave me 53 days away from thirty.
Knowing that I do best in impermanence, a dangerous state for anybody. Although I am reminded there is consistency even in inconsistency but thats digressing.

Who? is willing to put up with this wanky behavior in a relationship
Where? am I headed
What? am I to do
How? did I get here
Why? is it important

---

Because I cannot remember and forget

I don't know where to begin.

Guess that means, its as good as anywhere.

Happy New Year: 2008.
Let's hope it gets better with age.

---

I don't know how many 'fresh' starts one can take before it become stale upstarts. I feel like I'm recycling moldy bread everytime I console myself. not sure how to explain things less than metaphoric right now.

I feel like I'm making decisions in the dark. Blind and unthinking, nervous and almost uncaring with everything bound and stapled under the folder named 'Responsibility'. Nothing makes enough sense to follow through.

My place in the grand scheme of gets myopic and worse.
And the idealized pressure to be 30 and an asian guy places me in a position to 'become'.
Become more established in my career, my job, my livelihood.
Become steady on the road to some financial stability in light of aged adulthood.
Become less frivolous about life, having dreamt and sweated it out in the 20s.
Become sure in love.
Become independant.
Become everything I'm suppose to.

If I met myself a few years ago right now, I'd call me a hypocrite.
Which is odd, considering I've worked hard for my formative years consciously trying to remove as much hypocrisy from my truths.
Too old to take chances, because I don't pass the acceptable and stated 'terms and conditions age requirement'.

I've taken a sad trip into myself, wondering if I'm only there to visit, knowing I've lost my exit pass. The weather is terse, humid and taut all at once. Allow some clarity, some lucid insight. Layman-wise.

---

I'm coming to a year in this theatre house.
1 year already. the 4 th of April being D-day.
Its part of my password at work. A reminder of how long I've stuck it through.
Nothing to hate to work here, but its costing far too much to work here and expenses have a funny way of working like termites in a wood mill.

Its also times like this, my mind retreats to fins solace in memories that can only bring comfort as I remind myself, noting can being me back to change my decisions in the past.
David.
I'm the age he met me some 10 years ago.
I don't know if I think any differently about things between us but there wasn't much chance was there. Thats the most punishing things about memories, they can't age. They can fade and die forgotten but when you see them ... they never age and it creates his haunt in your heart. It inspires, amuses, and horrifies you in every way it can.
The torment of remembering immortality.
Lordy lord, I miss the guy.
I miss ... the possibility.

---

I've yet learnt to cook gourmet meals or follow a cookbook.
I've yet learnt to speak in sign (language) again.
I've yet learnt to be free and abandoned with romance.
I've yet to become.
Become free-willed.
Become bound by fate.
Become content with being caught in between.

At this rate, I'm never going to be able to ... damn it, I forgot what I was about to type.
Signs of aging I hear (and I jest less casual and more sober than before).

Now, let's stop here for today.
Yes, I need more frequent stops for rest now, in between life, to prepare for life.
And let's just hope ... the next time I get up, I'm going somewhere.

---

Prose

Living in panic with a glass eye and a glass jaw.
Allergic to punches.
Cheating at pool with two red balloons.
No happy true truth but the lies you tell yourself.

Wilter and wilted

----

Toil
Do I not work enough?
Sometimes it feels like the universe is telling me that much.

Wilted
I guarantee this is how I'm feeling inside. How shell-like my skin and appearance to the outside world feels.

Not quite dead yet.

Dead End
I should have expected this to be where my job is.
But I tell myself it'll make a great portfolio. And it most likely will. If I can stand it for a year.
Or shorter.
I don't know.

Will have a meeting shortly with my Boss (Dato' Faridah') concerning a relatively large complaint with a regular client (paul Loosley) who's severely unsatisfied with my performance. And thats probably putting it mildly for him.
I'm certain the director (paul L) took it badly when I walked away from him in his mid-sermon to me, but I did so only after he asked me "Aren't you ashamed of the stuff you're putting out?"

Yea ... well ...

Will 411 you guys later.


---

You are a Serious Date

Your dating philosophy? "Dating is for finding a compatible partner" You're not so concerned with how you date... As much as where the relationship ends up. Guys to look for: Men who write a good bit about what they're looking for. Not only does it show that they are serious about dating as well - But that they've already put a good deal of thought in to it.

What Kind of Dating Diva Are You?

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Percussive Echoes

-----

Return to Sin
Its back.
With the advent of the rain. There’s been a dry spell for the past 2 weeks or a month. I’m not certain now but its back today. A full of day dew, gloom and wetness.
And like a attention-mongering step-child, so has my lusterless negativity.
I don’t know what else to name it.
Negativity.

Rut and Ruin
I feel chased all the time lately. Self-imposed I’m sure, but life cripplingly real. Its getting to me. The traveling distance to KL and USJ.
I’ll just get it out of the way – lots of people travel and work, perhaps further than I and for less pay and probably with more drive, verve and need that I do. But I’m not them not do I aspire to be alike. There – out of the way.

A few things to have had pondered over without much resolved success, maybe never so.
I dislike having spent so many hours in my car from day travel and night travel. I spend about … 3 – 4 hours daily in my car. Which wouldn’t be so much the issue, if the time spent wasn’t mostly done sitting in the traffic jams.
To avoid it, I remain behind at work late
(whether there is work is irrelevant because I’d stay late anyways, if there was … but sometimes it isn’t necessary. Its stuff I can or should do the day after)
So I can spend more time at the office than I need to.
I’m not built to work 6 days a week. Maybe if it were closer to home, but its not and its playing with my mind. Only so many hours to recuperate, recover and enjoy my time in between weeks.

Routinuity
I lack appetite, I lack sleep. I can’t seem to bother with either very effectively. I think sometimes, I’d want a vice like smoking or drinking. Because its something to do – rather than this need for limbo.
I think I hate doing more than what I can or am supposed to at work.
Some may thrive in these environments and challenges. I think I’ve established I cannot. I challenge myself in other ways and to actually … thrive or grow in it. Perhaps not.

Stagnation has always been a problem for me before and it happens often enough that I should be able to see the signs months ahead.

Occupational Hazard
I realize, I’m not motivated by career. I just want enough. Just enough. I was never very ambitious to begin with and maybe ambition does scare me a little.
I want some neat savings but I would abhor the pressure of the affluent, even if it is a matter of perspective.
I’m approaching or maybe already there (gay years tend to worry faster), where one begins to consider the rest of his life as a pattern. A way of living if you will. At 30 – this is how you should already have or should have been deciding how you life. Where you plan years ahead of time … where stability and finances becomes your primary goal (if you’re a burb or urban dweller living by your own means).

Family begins to count into your finances.
Either your own or your relatives.

And death visits your life more often.

Change of Fate
Perhaps a change in environment.
Or should I already have been through that stage in my early – mid 20s.
Change of mind … sometimes I change them as often as the seasons. The inconsistency of things become predictable but varyingly unpredictable in execution.

A new country … I am still considering Canada.

A new job … I would like to stay my hand at copywriting give the chance but the sad truth is I’m going to be hired by my trained and experienced profession rather than anything new to the industry (at aged 30).

A new life, seems too improbable since family seems to grow exponentially greater in terms of duty and obligation as the months pass into years.

Nested Cracked Eggs
So where does that leave me?
Square – octagon – nonagon one.
A vague idea of what I want when I should probably already know.
And little to obstacle-riddled means to get there, wherever that is.
I can’t seem to go back – because once you grow up … well, there’s no turning back is there, short of mental injury and aggressive regressive therapy.

---

"Save me ..." - Baywatch

Rain and Shine

---

Glee
I've kinda happy with myself. Just a wee bit mind you.

Reconnect
I've gotten in touch with 2 cute guys, and yes, though I'm tempted as in the past to just look lustily at them and indulge in fantasies which will REMAIN in my head ... I'm glad I can see them as friends and good people.
Yea for not giving up on really cute contacts!
I've called some from my old cellphone contact list (annual number cleaning) - and so far, there a few bites.
'Happy Happy Joy Joy' as an old friend used to claim.
And my oh my - they're looking hot as ever, I mean ... attractive, yea ... thats it.

Work
Been a bit slow but I'm getting into the spirits of picking things up. Albeit also slowly, but hey, better late than never. An excuse I use far too often much to my chagrin.
But I try ...

Parlour tricks
Occasionally I still wonder if I had magic powers or something to use in the real world. Nothing too big or fancy but ... well useful and discreet. I know, I know, in the end everything magickal ot otherwise supernatural is always too big for this world anyways.
But its nice to imagine.




Shout out
A short bowing to my dear friend, Vince, who didn't get his job confirmation.
Here's looking for much better job anyways, Fvck them!



















---

Carrying a Big White Sign

-----

Headway
I believe I've made some headway since ... oh 2 years ago. Yes, it is that time of year toward year end where most tend to turn inward ourselves and evaluate or take stock of what we've done, gone through, dated or dumped.

I've gon someways. I don't know if its the ... better way or if this is the better road of choices that I've walked on - but I guess we'll never know. I'll just have thanks for the little blessings, like I haven't fallen too ill at all this year, I've suffered no trauma, I'm not bankrupt ...

What is the road not taken, when I already on the one. Paltry musings.

Bobbing for apples.
Is like Bobbing for sin for fun.
Well, not really coz an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

So my family and I await a death of an aunt. A family friend who's grown so close for many of us that she may as well be blood related. A good lifelong and dear friend to my late grandmother.

I hope all is well in heaven.
And that they've prepared a seat on the great celestial mah-jong table.

---

Reboot and Reloot

---- Spring --- Fall ---

Feels like I'm skipping seasons in my life.
Akin to the phrase ' Where has the year gone ', except its missing chunks and phases.
I know where the year has been, but there are large gaps in between.
Paragraphs of banality and inconsequence in the book of my life.

I can easily find the path of need for greed.
Its gets clearer with age. The need for money. How interconnected the currency binds us to the way of living. At least at this stage of my life.
I should write memoirs of turning 30 soon enough. If it wasn't done before already, I'd pen it into a book and sell it for money.
There it is again, money ...


Moving ...
From phase to phase, I feel a little up-lifted today. Surprising. no? What one days worth of rest at home.
I had an intense allergy attack on Monday and didn't go to work.
The hours spent reading, lying in bed, playing old computer games ... although the result wasn't evident, seems to have spirited me a but more today at work.

Continents
I was thinking of discussing with my family soon the event of my place in the country.
I keep thinking, I'm here to stay - for my brother, for family, for the obligations of a new car, work and hopefully a place of my own.
Or maybe ... if the discussion happens.
Make a place in Canada. I have family there after all, but its ... going to be weird I think to consider moving there if my parents and brother are here.
Don't I have to stay and help?
Its one of these silent struggles I'm tackling with now.
It would be easier for me to go there on my own (apply as a working individual).













Relationships
Yup, gonna swear them off for a bit.
Or awhile.
So I'm on the market for meaningless physical relationships now. Just something more primal - without ties, connections or string attached. Snap the strings of the marionette of commitment.
Yea ... I hope this'll work out for the coming year.

---

Prose

No man is a no mad.
No mad woman is furious.
Furious as the monthly flame.
Flame of a queen thats inside.
In side of the cold dish.
Cold dish is best served.
To no man.

Sucked Six Below

---

Lamentations
I've written of this before, I'm certain. But its comes to pass once again.
An dear aunt who's been treasured in my family for most of my remembered life is on her deathbed. Cancer is attacking the bones, I'm told.
At her age, there's little we can go but wait.

So there it is.
The Annual Death Toll is collected.
Every year, a relative passes on. And though I've said to myself and to others (and heard it from them too) - I am of that age where these things happen.
Well ... its not something can prepare for or look forward, much less guard against every time it happens.

How now, aging cow?

Connections
I'm pretty sure this state of mind will seep into most aspects of my life, of particular notice will be my work.
I'm on the verge of saying 'tough luck', but this sort of family thing gets to me all the time.

I always did wish as a kid I wasn't truly related by blood to anyone. All the better to detach or severe myself whenever I need to. I don't wish them ill or death, just a selfish ease for myself to get things by.

Its true
... what I've read about me. In some cosmic collection of Western and Eastern astrology - the Horse always needs the open (at least the opportunity or the window open), and the Fish cannot stay too long in one place or stagnant in doing so.
It applies mentally and emotionally, I guess.

To survive,need I move on? ... Escape?
It is braver to stand and fight or to choose to live another day?

Or is this simply a weird eventually of me turning 30 in a few months.

---

Prose

What kind of relation can I establish with the modern world if I can't figure out how to use modern day devices?
How disconnected can one be, in the world thats growing smaller digitally every new tech-savvy release?
I fear that one day, I will use a mouse and choke the poor rodent to death wondering why it squeaks when I click it, or linger in amazement at the size of the spider's nest to be able to build a world wide web for the layman to surf on.
I feel like that sometimes.
It's difficult being the only parrot with short term memory.
I will ponder on the fact as I continue working the phones.
I need this job, and its the only one I'm good at.
Employee of the month.
At the Microsoft Help Centre.

Snail on a couch

I feel you.

---

No, but yea, but no ... but yea.

Yes ... my brain, willpower, self-belief and passion feel like meat patties now, on a grill, on a fire, in a picnic, out for lunch.

Crap.









I'm of a sound mind (fettering to unsound soon enough) - that I should have taken a week off after the major workload in August.
I didn't.
And its catching up to me ... in parsecs.
Bit by bit.
Everyday now.
Until I take off. So ... just how do I explain this to my bosses? How does anyone ???

---

Flattering Flame to a Moth

-----

Change of heart
So I had a chat (to catch up on each other) with my ex, Josh / Lewis last night.

And I'm changing my perception. I mean, to say - perhaps I have all along, slowly and surely but I'm pretty sure he summed it up pretty well by example what my current leanings are.

Gay relationships, or rather the nature of them are not what they are ideally anymore. At least not in practise here. Its really no longer about monogamy (Asia), and the average gay man doesn't believe in the tenets of a binding relationship.
The closest is to have a boyfriend but still maintain lovers.
Or threesomes, or orgies, or explicit sex with strangers without your partner present (but knowing).

Is that what the new gay youth are growing to believe if current practise has anything to do with it.
Keep fucking, but hope for love meanwhile. .... sigh ...
There's no such thing as a gay relationship lasting beyond 5 years, it just isn't possible in Asia ... its a myth ...

Fact: Straight asian men are commonly having male-to-male sex but still identify as straight because they're just having 'gun' whilst still fulfilling duties to their marriage, wives and children.

So where does that leave me?

Given my current state of mind and affairs and the promise I made to myself.

Yea ... its time to break the fairy tale on its 'happily ever after'.







On the Side
I've offered to help out cute theatre student on his exam piece.
Should be fun. And I've yet to try and make-up for the lost make-out sessions.
It'll come ...

Work
I'm ... how to explain this?

Its like I'm mourning something at work. Every time I try to work, or begin to concentrate, things unravel and it becomes more of a chore than usual. Hence my commentary about my state of mind and situation. Perhaps I have made my own personal working environment unhealthy.
My hand at work did this.
I killed what little joy there was to enjoy work here at theatre.
Its the slacking, its the supposed depression, its the procrastination, its the slump, the rut, the molasses of productivity. slug slug slug
Is my personal life acerbating work?

I'm hoping I break out of this soon. Please.

Reading

Yes, I can't believe it and it was a surprise to me when it was released. White Wolf Publications has re-written the wonderful world of Changeling (the Dreaming to the Lost).
Its different enough that it know it as NOTHING to do with the older oWoD book.

But its just as entrancing, darker and bright at the same time. Beautiful Madness.

And I just acquired it.
Yes ....

---

Prose

Muster the cluster of Courage, said Knight to River,
Save the Princess in the face of the Moon.
For she fled with her lover, North wind too soon.
Before he gave his heart to her on a platter, of silver.

Such things be told, the stories of horror.
Of gutting oneself and beastly terror.
Radiant feeble hope is elusive.
Like the lessons passed from parent to child, abusive.

Storm and Thunder

---

Swept away by the Inevitable

For my blog absence, it’s a simple explanation.
I found facebook – or rather it found me.
Late as I may be to join the FB cult, it latches on quick, tight and deadly; and as the noose tightened, my online life seeped away. But I wouldn’t want to dwell on that here.
It’s the state of things that matter.

Work
With some glee and ennui, its remains constant. It’s a good thing, when all things are considered, altho’ I admit, I’m getting lazier by the day. But it happens everywhere that I begin to work. Job satisfaction is rare, but it gives the occasional boost to keep on grinding.

Photoshop CS3 (6 Nov)
Went to Mandatin Oriental Hotel, KLCC with an old friend, Mun Wai. Definitely worth the RM 15 carpark at KLCC (it was full at the hotel), overcrowded hall and reception and free admission.
The program gets more amazing with each application. It can incorporate BASIC sound files and animated / graphic video work. But the most impressive was (besides nicer interface) was … the application to read, edit and simple manipulation of 3D files.

Yes!
If I can ever afford the 4-digit price, now designers can maintain the market on perhaps, some interior dressing work and set design.

Relationships (6 Nov)

I changed the status quo from dating to friends with Derek.
It was much harder than I thought it’d be. Much, much more. But to my knowledge, it was never easy. Let’s hope friends works out better.
It just … didn’t work out – for me anyways, and if its not a 2-way road, its not a relationship.
I’m not certain it ended well, but it was late and perhaps we were cranky. There’s no perfect time to discuss and decide break-ups, should it be in the middle of a crisis or life. There’s no good time, and it had to be some time sooner than later.
I think I waited just a little too long.
I don’t know if there was a fog lifted but I have to begin getting a clearer vision or myself, and the person I want to ‘be’ and ‘be with’ in the years to come.
He wasn’t it.
He needs someone who can keep up with him, who can share his life with him - and that means everything that makes him who he is.
I wasn't the person.

I’ve learnt one thing if nothing else. I can’t do casual.
It either flirtation or a relationship for keeps.
I’ve never been very good at being moderate.
It’s a good reminder to oft tell myself to practice ‘Everything in moderation’ because it’s the hardest thing to do for me.

Reconnecting (oct - nov)
Priya K.
It was … almost like a reboot – to hear from hear (a phonecall from Penang: nov 6) yesterday night. She’s back in Penang for awhile with family. Its … good to know the thread still exists.
Colin K.
Well, I’m giving this the old heave ho’. (oct) Its hard to explain why I feel I want to reconnect with someone who’s perfectly able and well to never once expect to meet or greet again. But perhaps, I’m being selfish and wanting to tie any loose ends I have in my life.
Something … I can’t go about believing that people will always do the right thing even if its hardest when I can’t try my hardest.
If he’s willing to give me a chance, I’ll try and be a friend.
Its been awhile, maybe too long – but I got to try … until I can’t anymore.

Broken Promises
I broke my own promise.
I wouldn’t try and pursue any serious relationship. It appears than even causal ones can take its toll. I was suppose to begin working on myself but I think I’ve done very little to none.
Zilch.
Perhaps flirtation and all the perks of that, but I can’t handle another one. At least not now.
Of the most sacred, the promises to yourself are hardest to mend.

So where am I headed?

Stay tuned.

---

Prose

I hate to be alone.
It is not the fear that there will be no one to hear.
But the fear I would have to listen to myself.