Art, Life and Zents

---

Art
So I had my real (by my count) - art initiative.
Nothing real hush hush of course so I don't mind divulging details but of course I can't really post any progress here unless its my own art project. But its good to know its able to start - get the ball rolling as they say.

Hmmm, I think I'll call it that. The Creative Initiative ... or something like that.
So we're off!
We started yesterday (30 March 2008). As good a start as any day.
At 8:30 pm - Starbucks - Centrepoint, Damansara Utama.

Good preliminary although we are keen on a finding a proper work space that offers a good amount of privacy whilst still in public. I suggested Aunt Tracy's (Mage Cafe) since its well equipped to do work and it pretty much just regulars that frequent the place. So that's where we'll be meeting.

Twice a month sounds good enough, and we should really stick to it and have something each time if we want to finish all out personal projects by the end of the year. We'll see how this year pans out and if it does well, we could do with a couple more good heads!

On the list, currently:
Dann - Graphic Novel / Book
Florence - Concept Merchandise / Character Icon
Gary - Gay Tarot Cards (major Arcana)

---

Love
... has a terrible sense of humour when it comes to me.
Like that cool,ultra post-modern aunt, that always forgets you because you're not one of the many drones that flock to her when she arrives.

Let's re-imagine that scenario.
Like watching the kettle boil, but it always does when its someone else's turn.
I don't think I'm worried about it, nor rushing for it - and like I've mentioned before I'm pretty sick of hearing the "It will come to those who wait" theories. I'd much rather the "Go out and get it" approach.

I just need an approach, and I'm sorely lacking in the self-advertising department.
But I guess I'm going for a within to without direction.
Getting a better face care regime and joining a gym this week.
So should score my some points on the scale - HA HA!

---

Zen
I feel zen-like one moment and in a flash its gone.
Akin to the expectation of bad news /good news. No matter how much peace you surrender yourself to prepare for it, when it comes, you end up shuffling between "Its okay, its okay, I can deal with this ..." to "What the FUCK!, What the HELL!, Who do I Fuck!"

Nothing has sparked this, not like when I was younger and everything would spark a reaction in between those extremes. Its nothing specific now - its general, like a floating feeling, that meanders and changes hue and colours whenever.

Good thing?
Or the onset of schizophrenia?

I talk to myself often, and I suspect people often do. If they don't, then I should listen closely to what I have to say in the quiet moments between desperation and inspiration. I even make voices for each person i have in a conversation with myself.
At random.
In the car, or while waiting. or both.
Its my gib when dealing with insanity.

---

Defoliate

---

Statements
I’m beginning to abhor the anticipation of waiting.

I think I’m beginning to feel like I need to start to defoliate excesses from my life.

The Elaboration
My patience is … evolving. Some things like traffic begin to really irk me when I realize the journey is going to take me 15 minutes longer. And I do mean, making my heart go erratic and louder, the grip on my hard rubber steering grasp like an eagles claw and eyes boring past the windscreen at the world outside.

I’ve noticed I’m telling myself that I’ll probably only wait up to a maximum of another 20 minutes outside their house, waiting for their exit – when I’ve called in advance and told them approximately what time I’ll be arriving and confirming the time on arrival.
If I’m ever late, I’ll call or text message to say so, and even then I make that rarely.

I’m telling myself I should be nicer through the months, but m patience seems to be wearing thinner.

Is one an affectation of another?
Is this any better or worse for my sanity?

---

Maybe I feel like tings should begin. I thought I’ve gone past this.
Maybe I just need to get to the gym now, not next week. I should get the art projects now, not this weekend.
This horrible anticipation of things to come, and the ever-increasing fraught-ful thoughts of it slipping away just as easily and quickly, nips at me.
By the hour.

---

Its an abstracted emotion, I realize.
Nothing I can quite capture with words, metaphor or perspectives.

I’m getting mildly disgusted at the phrase “You’re not so old for ***”.
What the Fuck do they know really?
Are they in the industry I’m striving and struggling to enter. Have they any foothold, interest or remarkable experience in the world of fantasy / digital illustration that they can claim “one is never too old”.

While it rings true, it lack the premise of conviction because its out of context to their own perspective and experience. … because they mean well, with little constructive ability to relevant support.
But this understanding, no matter how much I know they mean well – I just get pissed off. I don’t go making flippant commentary about how late in their ‘little career’ they’re making off with.
Much less, the career they actually intended to pursue as a dream since childhood or the foolish indecisions of what a career was since college graduation. I bit my tongue.

So there you have it: the appreciation of a finer, more tactful tongue – fueling a fiery anger beneath.

---

Prose

Fingers laced lattice shadows across the small of her back.
The crook of the neck, visible from the shortened clumps of hair on the nape.
That is why, I take them from behind.
That is the virtue of taking.
Preserving their beauty.
If only they would sit still, long enough.
But they do eventually – as the last airy gasps for air is prevented release.
No escape from this eternal beauty I give them.

Gripe & Reason

------

Project Rant, kinda.

Ok, ok- so it isn’t major but I just thought I’d want to share my thoughts with the digital gods.

Florence asks me to begin with her and her friend she’s roping in to begin a ‘art think tank’ of sorts. Now of course, all credit for this suggestion goes to her and I’m pretty psyched about it.
Mainly because of what the goals of the art union would be.

It’s a small nuclei of shared minds in design – we could branch to do some pro bono work but primarily, its for us. It where we get together and really put our minds to produce art and project pieces that’s too big to handle alone or without support.

I sat down for one session and discussed the ground rules when we begin
1. We all invest.
a. We should all have someone at stake. A personal art project that we couldn’t accomplish alone or simply could find the time, prolonged enthusiasm and support we needed before. This is the time to take something that sways dear and near but never done to you and DO IT!
b. The more personal it is, the more invested it be comes. And if everyone has something in it – then we all have nothing to lose and we all have something to commit to.
2. Consistency
a. We always meet up even when we’re busy with work or life. At least once (hopefully twice) a month and we HAVE something. Even the smallest little thing. We have to be consistent in our meetings.
3. There is no EGO
The work is definitely the person who brought it to the table, but it WIL be open to scrutiny and we have to accept we can’t always treasure out ideas like unborn children. It must weather and survive the rigors of others to grow up better for the effort. One work is never better than the others.
4. There is no such thing as a bad idea.
Everything is workable. There is improbably but no impossible, no matter how silly, we will consider it until it doesn’t become viable. Everything we discuss is possible unless there’ s a better way (which there often is!)

And those are just the top of my head.
I think she may regret asking me.

I’ve been calling her at least one a week every week since our first meeting to ask her when we get started. I mean, the point is to get something started and finish it no matter what. It’d be ironic doing this for no result, since it was suggested to defeat that very incident.

And I’m still calling.


Tarot

I want to go a Gay Tarot – Still do , still wanting to finish it.


Pride

I’m kinda happy I managed to produce this piece of art.
It’s a commission piece for sure, and one of my few illustration commissioned jobs of my life, but I like this one.

I did this after a busy day of work, at home up to the wee hours of the morning, 4 am ish.
Tired, dredged up, and with the implicit direction of making it look … “Frank Miller’-ish.

I think I did ok. Its still a little messy (as in the little white bits in the black I didn’t clear up because I was half blind at 5 am) – but its all good in the end!
And I’m happy I did it.

Warning: Gruesome, violent content.


Super

I’ve always wanted to wake up and discover I had powers, but I could decide or place exactly what powers I’d like … or what kind of superhero I’d be.

How about you?







- - -


Prose

Security Scrutiny Scrotum
Switchboard Lovers across the board Allay the sashay of language and speech
The colour of violence we long live and preach.
Instead to live.
Instead to breathe. In spite of horror we bear and bore. To settle an invisible, forever score.

Flies like time, bananas are fruits

----

De-Event

So its been pretty much eventful over the past weeks.

Good, no?
Or not?

Feels like I'm waiting for something. I'm pretty sure we've all been there. While we whilst the hours away of out lives, there lie something lurking beyond the corners of time.
Biding and waiting.

---

There's a couple of things.

There's the detailed information about the 'Poetry Slam' i was invited. Getting both nervous because I don't know when it is, how much I have to prepare or wether its going to be held or not without more information than a reply to a informal invite through the facebook email.

Daphne, longtime icon (and PA to the Dato herself) - is finally leaving to get married in one of the biggest churches in Cologne, Germany. Go google it - its FABULOUS!
Like most of the wonderful CG model structures for the Space Marines / Sisters of Battle WarHammer 40 K Cathedral like structures.
So that way.

Ever heard of Castle Crashers?
Check it out!

Altho' I'm still waiting for more in-depth look at SIMS 2, Meiers SPORE, the release of Age of Conan and hopefully Disciples 3.

My re-ignition for the love of table-top gaming, since Gygax's passing and my revival of the 2nd Ed rules game!

Starting a Gym next month - for sure!
Got a friend lined up to help me get started. I'm trying to motivate myself but taking monthly pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror. Hopefully the embarrassment will keep my going.
Seriously.

Saving up for a new computer OR a trip to Thailand. Hopefully both.

STILL waiting for the people at Amazing Race: Asia 3.
Yes, yes - I'll be patient.

ALSO waiting for my friend to get back to me on the personal art projects we were to get started on and motivate ourselves to finish by investing in each others work. ... ... ...

Having the most emotionally crushingly romantic daydreams out of nowhere - at random over the past week.
I just tell myself, I'll indulge in them. No more moping about fantasies, just ride it through and keep it where it is. A fantasy.
Healthy, yes?

Actually feeling like I can do some better illustrations in a long time.

---
Ponderance

So where does that leave me?

What am I waiting for, where am I waiting?
Why do I feel like I am ... in the wings for something. Not necessarily greater but pertinent to wherever I am, whenever I am. I know this doesn't sound coherent and I am probably rambling.
But maybe this is natural state for me.
Like for everyone else out there to which we expect better or more out of life?
or maybe its for those of us, who are never sated by our own life experiences, which is not altogether bad.
Maybe we need to strive to find ways to fulfill it.
Maybe thats what makes the journey worth it.

Maybe ...

Have you asked yourself today, what you did that made you happy?

---
Prose

Hickory, Dickory, Tock
Three mice wandered a clock.
All blind, all cold, they all were told.
To run up the clock at one.

Hickory, Dickory, Tock
We men of the world, took stock
Our lives run amok, never do what we're told.
And the clock fell upon us at one.

---
Supreme Indulgence -

I just realized what specific sort of guys i like.

Sigh - the following three ...
They all have a wicked sense of humour.
A mischievous streak to their nature.
Ken is also a screenwiter!
Nathan is a Sci-Fi Buff!
James passionate about his sports!

Could I just mish-mash them all into the perfect guy .... (( sigh ))

Blow Hot, Suck Cool

----

Just 'cause
Nothing seems fair. I know, I like telling myself that occasionally. There's a whole, sound truth to it, because it equally questions 'What is 'fair?"
I'll cut myself off, but answering ... "The opposite of dark".
It keeps me happy in small doses about my life.

Icy Work
Basically thats how I feel about work. Milking out the hours and pay for all I can - while feeling little for the craft.
Not the kindest of environments, and getting less and my favourite people are gradually seeping out into the world away from this current workplace. Maybe I'll do some good - perhaps ... there'll be something that catches my eye fleetingly so, enough to keep up the ember sparks of creativity.
But like sparks, it flares too small, too infrequent and too feeble in the wind.

Hot flashes

... of love. I know it sounds maniacally and certifiably insane.
but it happened.
I've been having new dreams lately. Really romantic ones. Sensual and romantic minus the clouded passion of lust. Just tenderness ...

I'm too young for hot flashes!






Poetry in Motion
I'm still waiting - kinda excitedly for them to tell me when the Poetry Slam meet is.
I want an tangible date to look forward too, since I feel like I'm on the verge of writing again. I need somethings to realize it, like a cooling mold for hot metal slag.

2nd Ed. Dungeons & Dragons
Its good.
Its a revival and its revitalizing.
Thank you ...

Impatience
COMEONYOUDARNPEOPLEATAMAZINGRACEASIA3HURRYUPWITHTEHRESULTS!!!

---

Warning: this product has nasty side effects

----

Bad Day
Just having a crappy mood.
Crappy day – whatever.

Started last night.

Felt totally bummed out because one of my artpieces was reported as violating the ToS for their website. Which is cool – even if I borderline skirted the violation anyways.
But mainly it was the reason that bummed me out.
It was something along the lines of “Copying another artists work…”



That had me angry for a flash then terribly insulted because I had just spent a chunk of my time (an hour or two) on just doing the face of the image.
I wanted to improve my art. I normally try and I finish a whole piece in one sitting under 2 hours because it gets tiring since I sit in front of computer all day only to go home and spend more time in front of my computer doing art work which I love.

Sigh.

Then my Dad gets on my back by being “helpful”.
Cutting out newspapers clippings of NEW jobs offers. Did I mention, he writes little notes of the sides of the A4 paper sheets that he neatly pastes the individual articles on?
Notes about when would be a good time to apply, etc …

And soon after, starts an argument on the phone with my Mom

And then traffic has to suck in the morning, but I’m used to that.

Printer calls while driving on my way to work. I need to rush to the office and get them the colour print code that they forget to confirm with me when they met me the evening before to show me the proofs.

At my desk, some schuck left front door open all morning apparently. So I’m swatting with my barehands every few minutes to catch ALL the DAMN mosquitoes plaguing my desk!!! I sit closest to the entry way, closest to the door and the heat from my computer is keeping them from roaming deeper into the rest of the office.

BUT

Let’s at least have one good thing to announce today.

I got a surprising e-mail from my facebook. They’ve invited me to participate in KL’s second Poetry Slam.
Wow …. Just wow ….
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry_slam

And a friend offered to help me out getting started at the gym again :p
When I join next month of course. :D

---

Gygax

I saw this one Penny Arcade comics in memory of Gary Gygax.
And I decided to make one now, at work.
It be nice know each one of us has met, played, fought a red dragon and to count each one into a fleet of red dragons who would mourn his passing.
This is my red dragon.


- - -

In Memory of Gary Gygax, Father of Role-Playing (Table-Top)
1938 - 2008

I remember my first Gnome Rogue 20 years ago. Created at level one, died at level one. I hope he makes good company for Gygax in ‘The Seven Heavens’.

To a great GM, who’s passing most aptly departs this world on GM’s day to tnother world. He will be missed and he legacy will live on.

A few words: Gaming inspired me to read. To learn more than what school curriculum books had to offer. It was a gift that could be passed on and cherished through the years. It helped me feel included into a world where children and awkward teenagers often felt excluded. It made me appreciate my rich fertile imagination. Thank you.

Keep Rolling.

- -- ---

Links:

RPG NET
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=382650

CNN Online
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/03/04/obit.gygax.ap/index.html

EN-World (Gaming with Gary)
http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=204729

Giant in the Playground (OOtS)
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0536.html

YAHOO News
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080304/ap_en_ot/obit_gygax

Wizards of the Coast
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/welcome

- -- ---

Up, up and Away! Its a Protein Bar!

-----

First things Ahoy!

We're all up and applied. Barring any bad delays (please please please let me make the deadline which is today), and I sent the package by DHL last week. As long as it doesn't get lost or my registered race partner and I didn't screw up in out application, its out of our hands.
It would suck not being able to make it because of the disqualification like misinformed applications, incomplete entries or over the 3 - minute video limit.
Which reminds me ... its on YouTube!

--- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eekJx9X4dlQ ---

And thank god I disabled public comments posting, the pieces of crap commentary I've filtered. I half expected shitheads to post and humanity has reassured me there are real shitheads out there ... That and a healthy dose of people who believe their words are smarter, more observant and more valid that others.
All I can say is that, until they've the gumption to try actually try it out for themselves or see how difficult enough to put the effort into applying, there really are validating themselves very well. And I'm putting it as mildly as I can now.

And for everyones information - Vince is a really good friend and I want to thank his long time boyfriend, Brian (Oh gawd, has it been like .... years since they've been together!) - for helping us film us.

---

Work

So work has been a bit of a pester.
Then again, I've been trying to do some of my work early by a month to make the coming months lighter in workload. Sigh - pay now, enjoy later?

Budget

Ok, so the pay hasn't changed.
Job offers aren't rolling in and the one that I've found - its still in KL (Ampang and otherwise), but thats' really still the problem. One of the main reasons I want to change jobs is the distance (which eats a huge hole in my budget!).
Followed by wanting to work for a profit-based company again. There' are pro's here but they are kept ub check by the wasted time in traffic and money in petrol and tolls.
On Chap Goh Meh last Thursday, I intentionally left work a half hour early to make Reunion Dinner and still got home 2 hours late ...
Bah - Hum - Bug ...
And I just filed for taxes ...
And I need to vote ...
My darn annual car payments (insurance) is coming soon - which makes me wonder if the money I've saved will help me purchase a laptop ? new computer + out-coming fav MMO / AgeofConan? an actually holiday trip to Thailand? a nest egg for whatever freaky emergency that might emerge later?

On the other hand, I've actually managed to save three times as much as I usually do this month! Thanks to it being a SHORT month and CNY.

---

Year of the Gym Rat

And as a promise to myself - I will be joining a gym after my birthday ... in ... I was gonna say a couple of days, but its crept up way too fast - Tomorrow in fact.
I'm reassuring myself not to worry - that I've actually budgeted for it.
But to be honest, its a 70/30 that I'll keep payments. But it needs to be done.

I'm starting to not like myself - yes, its the dip in the sine/co-sine wave again. But I seem to be taking it better without a lot less drama than in my teenage youth sans the reckless emotional abandon (which I nostalgically miss).
And to some degree, I know that going to the gym again will help me deal with things, especially myself. I always thought I'd be disillusioned going to the gym before with all the wonderfully hard work of the people there to look good and feel healthy. Ranging from the heath conscious to the vapid gay poster boys of the city.
But I didn't.
As long as I knew what I was there for - I felt good.
And thats a feeling that doesn't come by very often.

----
Prose

Writ and write
no longer defines
the phrases and turn
of words refine
no moss for rolling stones.

Tide and pride
tilt high and low
Tally sins and glory
Tell me to go.

That does it! Racing for time!

----

Fate
Okay – something has to had happened.
At least by now.

Is it that time of year again?

I’m gonna be quitting this city’s job in a couple of months, which experience had taught me anything can be over in a flash. Then the whole worry of where money would be coming in will begin to annoy me again.

So what do I have to lose when I’m making this next decision.

Nothing that I haven’t’ already had, considered, would have, risked already.
Besides buying a lottery ticket on my birthday and hoping I will strike RM 4 mil. Richie rich like this other dude from a couple years back who played for the first time.

Karma
So … here’s to whether the Piscean or the Equine will win out this Rodentia year. Or at least strike a mutual beneficial bargain!


Race
Yes … I will applying to the AXN Asia’s Amazing Race.
… if I can find an idiot who’s willing to take the risk with me.
That is if by the slimmest of chances we even make it to the final selection round. Chances are even if I make it to be one the 10 teams from Asia to compete, I’ll still be happy to be the first few eliminated – at least I got to see a few countries (LOL)!!! ... and you only turn 30 once.

Modelloid
And even though I’m not the biggest fan of his …
Be within touching distance of the physically hunky Allan Wu.
Hey, I may have little respect for him (since I don’t know him) – but DAMN! He’s a hottie McHottie Hunk! And that goes especially to what seems to be his intelligent gait and demeanor. That’s turns me on!
_ sigh _ which is why I try to avoid guys like him … coz I know I’ll make all the wrong decisions if I got anyone like him.

Grief
But enough about that – I have issues.









Sic.
Kinda feeling turquoise all over, not quite green with envy.
Knowing so many people doing stuff I wish I could and hen mildly feeling flaked over cause I wasn’t part of it by proxy of being their ‘assumed’ friend.
I guess that reminds me of how much of an acquaintance I’ve been to anybody I meet most of the time.
Or I don’t fit the glamour-kin profile. (( sigh ))

Closing Time
I've barely saved what I wanted to save this month even though I've cut on expenses and half my lunches (by D'oh, not eating) and eating at home and not out.
Hating it.

---

Celebs Passing By

---

Quiet on the front.

Although I got wind of the news of Heath's (ledger) passing early on - I got informed through a news feed through an artists gallery forum I'm part of, - I believe I was more stunned by another celebrity passing the week before.

But in proper order first;

Brad Renfro - July 25, 1982 – January 15, 2008 (aged 25)

Heath Ledger - April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008 (aged 28)

---

Both promising.
Both found dead in their homes, in their bed ... on a tuesday.
Both suspected cause of death by drugs (abuse, overdose, accidental) Tox reports are only only released in public 6 - 8 weeks after. Autopsies begin around 2 - 4 days after discovery. Kind of - i may be inaccurate about this.

Renfro seemed to be the more tragic (life, acting discovery and circumstance) to me - but its in the past now, so I won't ponder about it.
'The Cure' was one of my favourite movies of his, altho' 'The Client' was really his breakthrough performance. Picked up from the streets for auditions, he was, ya know :D

Just a journal post to mention this thats all.

---

Arden of Shakespearo

---
Gasp!

Read on GUComics.com

" For a few months now the Zapper has been without zappees, but here at the beginning of the year it's really been cranked up. Yesterday, I had to decide whether to do a comic about Star Trek Online, or about the subject of today's comic "Arden: The World of William Shakespeare".

Arden is an MMO set in the 1600s featuring characters, surprisingly enough given the full title, from the works of the great bard. Edward Castronova, an associate professor of telecommunications and the creator of the game, "abadonned" the project and released it to the public as is. The game was funded by a $250,000 MacArthur Foundation grant and was meant to study economic theories. Castronov's reason for discontinuing development was simply "It's no fun".
Source: Technology Review [ more info ]

Now, it's an interesting idea for an MMO. And despite being meant to study economical theory it'll probably would have served as a great teaching tool or a study aid. But as Castronova admits himself, you need a bit more challenge to keep gamers engaged, if you're shooting to contend with some of the other huge MMOGs on the market.

The idea of making and MMO set within the works of a famous literature is an interesting one. Hopefully, Arden serves as a leaping point for other developers to attemp it and not as an example of "why it won't work"."

NOW THAT would have been an INTeresting MMO!!!
---

... I think I can ...

-----

Games
This review pretty much sums up the update. And I was looking forward to either ... sort of.

" In recent months Perpetual Entertainment (Now called P2 Entertainment) has abandonned Gods & Heroes (despite being near completion), liquidated their assets, became embroiled in a legal battle with their PR firm Kohnke, and have now decided not to continue development on the much anticipated MMO Star Trek Online.
Source: Destructoid [ more info ]

Our pals at WarCry are reporting that the license and content for the game have been passed on to another developer, the code however has not. [ more info ] Now, I'm not an MMO developer myself, but it would seem to me that sets the project back significantly. And where that doesn't exactly mean the game has been zapped, for the time being it might as well be. " - GUComics.com

and from the Official website. Related news on the front

"BioWare Corp. Licenses Perpetual Entertainment's Online Technology Platform for Upcoming MMO Game June 28, 2007 - BioWare's Austin studio has licensed Perpetual's online technology platform for an upcoming Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) title. The agreement gives BioWare - the company best known for their award-winning Baldur's Gate™ and Neverwinter Nights™ series, as well as the 2003 Game of the Year, Star Wars®: Knights of the Old Republic™ - the platform to deploy and support its online titles utilizing Perpetual's industry-leading technology for online game operations, deployment, infrastructure development, and community support." - http://www.perpetual.com/

I'll just have to wait and see now ...

---

Cosmic

Horror-scopes
Seriously. my Chinese horse sign bodes slightly ill fated for the year, and the Western fish sign is optimistic at best. Both the Yin / Yang - Eastern / Western embodiments of my fate in the stars and planets always clash every year.
Stuck between blessed good fortune and hellspawn pits of despair.
I'm never gonna get anywhere with this now, am I?

Altho' both say its a decent chance of meeting someone special this year if I'm single - wait for it, there's a catch. .... even if its going to be a short relationship. Iffy on the job front.

GAKKKKHHH!!!

Lust
I'm very tempted to engage in anynomous sexual encounters all readily available on the net, rampant in the city and the niches of gay KL / PJ.
Tempted. Even if my head knows better ... yes, the one on my neck.

Reset
My mode is on.
Cleared up cluttering emails, in 2 very messy accounts. Not sure if I'm able to recover the Yahoo ones. Those may be lost causes by now.
Including my one special Art Acct, which is linked on the side anyways.

Books
...and I've picked up reading again ... (shhhhhh)

---

Cylon-ic Space Ic-on

---

Catching up
... with movies! I've yet to see Brokeback Mountain.
Even after hearing so much about it, reading the reviews and all the grateful things its done for some rural individuals who couldn't connect or identify to their feelings out in the sparse prairesque landscape. Sort of inspiring for its time.
And its about time I resolve to watch it.

Reset Button
After hearing someone talk about Sailor Moon (him being an avid fan, I have a feeling I only got the tip of the iceberg rundown in that half hour), I can't help but wonder if we could all use a 'reset' button like ... Sailor Saturn.
She's considered rather unremarkable in terms of Sailor powers but she has this one thing, this ability, this force to completely annihilate the galaxy so that Sailor Moon may rebuild it.
I sometimes daydream if I had a way to completely reset my entire life to another existence.
Another birth, another country, another way.
To start from a clean slate.

Like so many who wish the same thing, even for a second no matter what state of lie you're in. Its an almost morbid curiousity to wonder what it would have been like, which pretty much means wondering what its like to completely and utterly let go of your current life.
If I had a reset button, I guess I would trade it for the world.

Then reset.

Tempted much
Like Chocolate. I want to be terrifyingly vapid knowing that too much could kill me. But like chocolate, in small doses it good for the heart ... and soul.

Budget
Fire and Stinkin' Rain! I hate this like Budgies hate snakes.
Trying to save enough to pay any annual fee's that will pop up in the middle of the year. Which will pop up no doubt and I better have some ready cash.

Gym
Been whining about it forever. Have to take in account of time, location and budget. Although as an alternative, there's probably loads of yummy guys, I've a feeling it'd be more stress-reliving than window-watching. Or ... both, it don't have to be mutually exclusive I suppose.

Argh!

Reviews
'In the name of the King' was rated lower than 'Gigli' internationally. Well to sources, like 'metacritic' and r'ottentomatoes'.
Now I HAVE to watch it.
'Jarum Halus' has a bunch of acquaintances I know. Guess I'd be curious to watch that.
Next month.

Chinese New year
Yes yes ... its coming.
Which means more to spend in coming preparation - oh groan!
And every year it seems to grow smaller and smaller, less grandiose for me. I'm not sure its a perspective thing, like how everythings bigger as a kid.
Maybe its because its more conservative budgets now, as the country seems to be metaphorically sinking into a mild economic recession. Inch by inch, every year, slowly. As prices go up EVERYWHERE except for my paycheque.
Families are growing smaller too with each passing death.
it'll pick up again I suppose, as my cousins are all getting pregnant and giving birth over the last 2 years or so.

So the cycle begins again.

Reset.
---

Art, come back to me.

Shell - phone - home

---

Food Critique
Dammit! I did it again, I ate (slightly) spicy Malay food. Well, everything was kind spicy so there was choice, but not 'non-spicy' ones.
Looks like the tummy's gettin' all old on me too.

Trailers
'Cloverfield' looks interesting. Read the synopsis / spoiler. Reads fun, looks like a couple fun looking guys in it too.
There's goes RM 10 - 14 depending on where I watch it (excluding parking costs).

Music
So far RadioBlogSpot has been really fun to introduce me to bands, artistes I've never heard but seem really cool!
All I do is type in roughly whatever artiste I wanna hear (eg. frente, pink, chevelle) and at random choose one son that links me to a HUGE personalised album of another person which includes artists and songs I haven't heard of before but most sound realllllly COOL!
i.e. I've found some nice tyler hilton duets, mylene farmer, dandy wharhols, musical la roi soleil, etc ...
Yea for other people's albums which are random to me!

Sex
I'm fluctuating between 'Whatever, I can do with for none for awhile' - 'Gah! I'm so horny, I wonder how many times a day I can whack off!'.
Its pathetic.

Pattern
Trying ... mucho TRYING to catch up on work at work. So far ... I'm catching up, which is ALREADY GOOD !!!
Now we'll see how long this stretch will last.

Gaming Geek Update
Still hoping when Neverwinter Nights 2 : GOLD (hopefully includes the Mask of Betrayer expansion) comes out, it won't kill my computer.
Not to mention - March 2008 when Age of Conan MMORPG too which I'm been following up on for 2 years now since I quite WoW.

4Th Ed. DnD will just have to wait ... bah!

I must try and ignite / refuel my passion for gaming. I think its been in a slump as well.
Art and Gaming used to go hand in hand as I visualised everything in my head and was tempted to draw it all out.

If anything goes full circle this year, please let it be that.
Art & Gaming.

---

Granulais

Grains of sand
---

Test

Let's see how many people read my blog (Lollerskates!)

Work

I'm preparing to leave after my one year here.
I've ... thought a bit about it, and I've realized with me, I get over-involved sometimes, much the othe exclusion to everything else.

Life

I've not drawn or illustrated anything since I began this stretch of work which makes it ... ONE YEAR!
So it seems if I were to focus - its as if, the rest of my life dissolves away into a blur.
Now I want to get back into the ring of sorts and start doing .... something personal, which means, my work has currently suffered as of late.

Barring personal issues (family and related) - I'm trying to wonder whether I can do something it this year.

Shit! I almost hate myself (and of all times, when I'm close to hitting 30).
I get involved in one thing and the rest start to fal apart, then when I try and "Buck Up", "Catch up" or whatever ... things start to flounder as Murphy's La oft states 'If something can go wrong, it WILL go wrong".

So where does that leave me.

Hopefully
- Working closer to home
- Less time travelling, more time for myself and my art
- Less expenses on travel, more to meet up with friends and track acquaintances

At least, thats what I'm crossing my fingers for.

---

[L]ucky D:ucky Cr'zy

I don't chat

---

Chatter*box*

At least not of the online variety. Something about it twinges on the borders of Scary and Impersonal for me. Maybe its sheer voluminous potential to misread, misconstrue my words because intention is ill-dressed and nuances are barely conveyed in simple written hastily constructed sentences meant to mimic actual conversation.

In an email, there is more forethought and proper construction and consideration for the text. In letter-writing more so, especially since the handwriting lends more character, depth and in-between lines subtlety.
In a conversation, we have body language, pauses to gauge discomfort, inflection and tone.
In the mad hashed-up world of online chatting which coalescences conversational writing at its worst ... everything can do wrong.

I used to get every chat programme thinking I could just get into the vibe of connections with acquaintances in the faint hope of making a tonnage of friends (acquaintances) ... I don't anymore.
They lie idle ... and I've pretty much forgotten my first ICQ number. Although I'd probably recognize if I were to see the sequence of numbers again.

Call me moldy that way.

I do however, SMS, MMS stuff. But if it turns conversational with more than 3 text exchanges between us - I dial in the number.
If you're free enough to text that much, I figure - you're free enough for a phone conversation.

---

M:ink

The show Miami Ink is starting to grow on me.
It gets into a droning pattern like most shows after awhile, but since I'm only catching it occasionally when I remember to turn on the TV, its still fun!
I can see why too much of it can get horribly depressing but me likes the art!

---

Drudgery

Oh yes ... its starting to settle in.
At work.
It the same all over the years. I'd loathe to admit it but it happens. Maybe I'm just not cut out for a desk job.
I ... never mind.
I suppose many people have seen it in different ways, this pattern of mine.
Wants Change of Creative environment (shifting) - Quits too soon and at everythingn
Needs Constant Stimuli - Lack of endurance and drive (and ambition while we're there)

Pro's and Con's, darkness and light.

So its strange that in the last few weeks, I've been described as 'hard-working' when for others I've been 'demotivated' and 'lazy'.
I admit to both at this juncture.
I feel great in short bursts of work which is probably why I love freelance work (as long as I can get more of them, enough to supplement an actual income).
And I also feel better if it were or someone else.

Let me try to explain it to myself in written word. The best time I've felt doing design or creative work was when I knew I was doing it for someone else that didn't hire me. Like when helping out a friend or contributing to someone else's work. Lack of self entitlement to the piece but knowing I got to contribute to the whole makes me feel tingly.
Its the secret knowledge in knowing, I helped. Love joint projects and collaborations.
Those times gave me joy in solace.
... and then I move on.

Not the most practical I know, and if nothing else sounds totally matyrdomic (if there were a word to describe it) and nomadic in a sense.

---

Mobility

Crave.
Like people need options. Do we want options or do we need them? I feel that we say we want options even if we always choose or do the same thing over and over again. Like picking a bad boyfriend. The options give us comfort whether bad or good.
I don't go deeper than that because I'm trying to behave and not supra-analyze so much this year.
Its strange to be curious and practicing acceptance on so many levels but end up analytical over it anyways.

---

Pointy end

So where does that leave me 53 days away from thirty.
Knowing that I do best in impermanence, a dangerous state for anybody. Although I am reminded there is consistency even in inconsistency but thats digressing.

Who? is willing to put up with this wanky behavior in a relationship
Where? am I headed
What? am I to do
How? did I get here
Why? is it important

---

Because I cannot remember and forget

I don't know where to begin.

Guess that means, its as good as anywhere.

Happy New Year: 2008.
Let's hope it gets better with age.

---

I don't know how many 'fresh' starts one can take before it become stale upstarts. I feel like I'm recycling moldy bread everytime I console myself. not sure how to explain things less than metaphoric right now.

I feel like I'm making decisions in the dark. Blind and unthinking, nervous and almost uncaring with everything bound and stapled under the folder named 'Responsibility'. Nothing makes enough sense to follow through.

My place in the grand scheme of gets myopic and worse.
And the idealized pressure to be 30 and an asian guy places me in a position to 'become'.
Become more established in my career, my job, my livelihood.
Become steady on the road to some financial stability in light of aged adulthood.
Become less frivolous about life, having dreamt and sweated it out in the 20s.
Become sure in love.
Become independant.
Become everything I'm suppose to.

If I met myself a few years ago right now, I'd call me a hypocrite.
Which is odd, considering I've worked hard for my formative years consciously trying to remove as much hypocrisy from my truths.
Too old to take chances, because I don't pass the acceptable and stated 'terms and conditions age requirement'.

I've taken a sad trip into myself, wondering if I'm only there to visit, knowing I've lost my exit pass. The weather is terse, humid and taut all at once. Allow some clarity, some lucid insight. Layman-wise.

---

I'm coming to a year in this theatre house.
1 year already. the 4 th of April being D-day.
Its part of my password at work. A reminder of how long I've stuck it through.
Nothing to hate to work here, but its costing far too much to work here and expenses have a funny way of working like termites in a wood mill.

Its also times like this, my mind retreats to fins solace in memories that can only bring comfort as I remind myself, noting can being me back to change my decisions in the past.
David.
I'm the age he met me some 10 years ago.
I don't know if I think any differently about things between us but there wasn't much chance was there. Thats the most punishing things about memories, they can't age. They can fade and die forgotten but when you see them ... they never age and it creates his haunt in your heart. It inspires, amuses, and horrifies you in every way it can.
The torment of remembering immortality.
Lordy lord, I miss the guy.
I miss ... the possibility.

---

I've yet learnt to cook gourmet meals or follow a cookbook.
I've yet learnt to speak in sign (language) again.
I've yet learnt to be free and abandoned with romance.
I've yet to become.
Become free-willed.
Become bound by fate.
Become content with being caught in between.

At this rate, I'm never going to be able to ... damn it, I forgot what I was about to type.
Signs of aging I hear (and I jest less casual and more sober than before).

Now, let's stop here for today.
Yes, I need more frequent stops for rest now, in between life, to prepare for life.
And let's just hope ... the next time I get up, I'm going somewhere.

---

Prose

Living in panic with a glass eye and a glass jaw.
Allergic to punches.
Cheating at pool with two red balloons.
No happy true truth but the lies you tell yourself.

Wilter and wilted

----

Toil
Do I not work enough?
Sometimes it feels like the universe is telling me that much.

Wilted
I guarantee this is how I'm feeling inside. How shell-like my skin and appearance to the outside world feels.

Not quite dead yet.

Dead End
I should have expected this to be where my job is.
But I tell myself it'll make a great portfolio. And it most likely will. If I can stand it for a year.
Or shorter.
I don't know.

Will have a meeting shortly with my Boss (Dato' Faridah') concerning a relatively large complaint with a regular client (paul Loosley) who's severely unsatisfied with my performance. And thats probably putting it mildly for him.
I'm certain the director (paul L) took it badly when I walked away from him in his mid-sermon to me, but I did so only after he asked me "Aren't you ashamed of the stuff you're putting out?"

Yea ... well ...

Will 411 you guys later.


---

You are a Serious Date

Your dating philosophy? "Dating is for finding a compatible partner" You're not so concerned with how you date... As much as where the relationship ends up. Guys to look for: Men who write a good bit about what they're looking for. Not only does it show that they are serious about dating as well - But that they've already put a good deal of thought in to it.

What Kind of Dating Diva Are You?

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Percussive Echoes

-----

Return to Sin
Its back.
With the advent of the rain. There’s been a dry spell for the past 2 weeks or a month. I’m not certain now but its back today. A full of day dew, gloom and wetness.
And like a attention-mongering step-child, so has my lusterless negativity.
I don’t know what else to name it.
Negativity.

Rut and Ruin
I feel chased all the time lately. Self-imposed I’m sure, but life cripplingly real. Its getting to me. The traveling distance to KL and USJ.
I’ll just get it out of the way – lots of people travel and work, perhaps further than I and for less pay and probably with more drive, verve and need that I do. But I’m not them not do I aspire to be alike. There – out of the way.

A few things to have had pondered over without much resolved success, maybe never so.
I dislike having spent so many hours in my car from day travel and night travel. I spend about … 3 – 4 hours daily in my car. Which wouldn’t be so much the issue, if the time spent wasn’t mostly done sitting in the traffic jams.
To avoid it, I remain behind at work late
(whether there is work is irrelevant because I’d stay late anyways, if there was … but sometimes it isn’t necessary. Its stuff I can or should do the day after)
So I can spend more time at the office than I need to.
I’m not built to work 6 days a week. Maybe if it were closer to home, but its not and its playing with my mind. Only so many hours to recuperate, recover and enjoy my time in between weeks.

Routinuity
I lack appetite, I lack sleep. I can’t seem to bother with either very effectively. I think sometimes, I’d want a vice like smoking or drinking. Because its something to do – rather than this need for limbo.
I think I hate doing more than what I can or am supposed to at work.
Some may thrive in these environments and challenges. I think I’ve established I cannot. I challenge myself in other ways and to actually … thrive or grow in it. Perhaps not.

Stagnation has always been a problem for me before and it happens often enough that I should be able to see the signs months ahead.

Occupational Hazard
I realize, I’m not motivated by career. I just want enough. Just enough. I was never very ambitious to begin with and maybe ambition does scare me a little.
I want some neat savings but I would abhor the pressure of the affluent, even if it is a matter of perspective.
I’m approaching or maybe already there (gay years tend to worry faster), where one begins to consider the rest of his life as a pattern. A way of living if you will. At 30 – this is how you should already have or should have been deciding how you life. Where you plan years ahead of time … where stability and finances becomes your primary goal (if you’re a burb or urban dweller living by your own means).

Family begins to count into your finances.
Either your own or your relatives.

And death visits your life more often.

Change of Fate
Perhaps a change in environment.
Or should I already have been through that stage in my early – mid 20s.
Change of mind … sometimes I change them as often as the seasons. The inconsistency of things become predictable but varyingly unpredictable in execution.

A new country … I am still considering Canada.

A new job … I would like to stay my hand at copywriting give the chance but the sad truth is I’m going to be hired by my trained and experienced profession rather than anything new to the industry (at aged 30).

A new life, seems too improbable since family seems to grow exponentially greater in terms of duty and obligation as the months pass into years.

Nested Cracked Eggs
So where does that leave me?
Square – octagon – nonagon one.
A vague idea of what I want when I should probably already know.
And little to obstacle-riddled means to get there, wherever that is.
I can’t seem to go back – because once you grow up … well, there’s no turning back is there, short of mental injury and aggressive regressive therapy.

---

"Save me ..." - Baywatch