Moltivation and Sulivation

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The Devils I tells ya
Its youtube.
You know it is! I think I've wasted a half day at work, scouring youtube, linking from intuhresting to intuhresting video clip like a spidey with new web fluid for hours.
Its the Devil, and you can't lie to me! You know itsa true! Like the old A-HA song!

Astro Animax
I have 5 more hours to complete the damn 30-40 minutes anime script. Around 18 pages already, with a little more to go and a lotta more s tory to wrappa up. Yea, I know ... double spacing will ROCK the pages to about double so I'll make the qualification of an approximate 30 - 40 pages.
Just don't fuck up the entry, or past the entry date.

Workout
I've actually been seeing some movtivatonal muscle videos. Wow ... I really do want to get back into the gym, and I know that much coz I've already been doing push-ups' nearly everyday at home. Just quick reps, but nothing too resisting. It helps that I have heavy bones and I weigha lot for my slim build. Yea, the weight thing shocks a few other friends too.
At 5' 8", I'm about 65 kg and I'm slim. Like Slim Jim type.
And I have MUSKELS on my chest, small ones, but they be muskels!
YES!

Universal.
And yes, I'm damned happy there were a number of asians grabbing awards on Ms. Universe night from 2 in the top 5, and for Ms Congeniality, and Most Photogenic.
Woot!
Screw the rest of you who don't get it.
And I do think Ms USA had good poise and grace to recover after the flat bum fall she had in the evening gowm portion. Just fire that dress designer.

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Prose

Silly willy
are the kinds I like.
They're hard nuts to crack.
just the way I like them.

The world gone square

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Delusions
Just when you think you're doing someone a favour and I think I did a pretty darn good job on the concept and poster, ... its not what they want. Shit.
Well, be a little clearer in the initial brief then. Really. Its helps.
It may not go a long way, but it'll add a few more hours to your rapidly dwindling time on earth.
No, really.

More delusions
Just when you think its sound advice, it really has no place in the bigger picture.
"Dont assume, it makes an ass of you and me". - sounds like a pretty decent piece of drivel, like any of Murphy's laws; but its flawed. No professional jon doesnt rely on certain assumptions, large or small.
You have to give a guess, an estimate before you can spread the date across. You have to create a range (thats an estimate mostly) before deciding it its close enough to the results YOU were looking for.
You have to 'psychically' link on the other-awareness of your clients, and KNOW what they're talking about.
Oh gosh, you didn't know that?
You should have assumed.
And then we'll all get some ass.
Hopefully me.

Remarkably snails pace
There's still a lot of my plate.
Professionally speaking, I guess I'm catching up. Work-wise and all.
Personally, art-wise ... I'm not doing so good. While I do know I have to get to it. There's so much going on at work and outside ... it ... well, no one said it was easy, no?
Its a personal ethic I suppose. My work ethic is healthy ... as far as I know, but my personal art ethics fluctuate at best. Shit, there's still so much to do.
I don't even know if finance comes into it.
Would I do / finish / accomplish the deed sooner if I knew I was paid? Should it fit into the equation? Would it matter?

Birthday Boys
Was at Zamir's birthday Karaoke bash last week.
Finally chatted a few momoments with Ezra. Yea, only reason I remember the name is coz of the band 'Better than Ezra'. Cool.
Anyways, although I think I was somewhat drunk off my ass (and being apparently anti-social since I didn't know anyone there ... and was drinking off my ass) - I remember him chatting with me.
Oh my .... I know his cousin Rafael. Raf is a decent and cool guy who's in Labuan working now. Totally straight.
This Ezra dude, he's totally straight acting as far as I'm concerned ... ok, to the point, the MOST straight-perceived behaviour in the room.
What a hottie!
Too durnk to take home numbers.
But I havent forgotten, ... I am taking a break from relationships. I'm totally open to friends still, but the occiasional hot hook-ups and stuff, but nothing dedicated or committed. I'm stil tryign to focus on improving myself this year. And I'm still no saint of chasity.

Starcraft 2 is out soon enough, and Transformers the movie is coming out as well.
Geekdom is sure to rear its dorky head soon.
Woo hoo!

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Prose

I feel absolutely crass.
Crude and disillusioned by my own procrastination. But I'll learn to separate myself. Divide in the middle the indecision - the misfortune of not knowing the difference between excuse and reason. Between the tenous gap of convenience and suffocating time restraints.
I could wish to be a bird.
For the concept of freedom, the mawing depth of reality tells me that a bird is simply a bird, uncomplicated and mostly unrewarding in its peril without fortuitious forethought.
I could wish to be a fish, succulent and a future on a chef's palate ... maybe not.
I could fill my pillow with wishes and sleep on them for nights onward to end and wake in disappointment every morning, rivalling and marvelling the ocean blue expanse of desparation and a sense of quiet horror.
There is humour somwhere.
I might find it, or you may have to help me look.
Either way, its going to taste bile I know.
Life does that, spice the world in bile and bitterness - this aging thing, is not an antidote to youth. Its a poison, a necessary one as they call it.
Suck it up, I tell myself.
And suck hard.
My lips will savour nothing else.

Its raining inside

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City bred
I grew up by the beach everyday. And I suppose on some level, I should feel this association to beach living - everyone says they connect with their childhood memories best. If nothing else, you see the wonder and fascination in most people (foreigners and locals alike) concerning this place where sea meets the shore, land has its public rondeaveau with the waters.
But I feel drawn to the cities.
It feels natural.
Even when I'm alone.

Last night
In the rain.
In my bed.
I wept for David. Last night as I lay down to sleep, I thought of love and he came to mind. I guess you never really forget your first love. He's been imbibed so deeply inside me, I know that sometimes, no matter how much I am open-minded and acceptable to every new person and quirks they bring ... i should never compare with the first.
But I know on some level, I am looking for that spark again.
The qualities in a man I had loved, and I'm searching for that again.
Is it unfair to those later on, perhaps ... or maybe I just know what right for me.
I prayed for him, for his happiness, for someone to take care of him and for them to love him just as I still do. Fondly.

Now
I am working on myself now. I cannot ponder on who I wish to be with or get 'into the game'. I have to work on myself first. I should exhibit and practise the principles in myself before searching for them.
But I've heard we often seek the qualities we also don't have in another person. So if I instill the qualities I want in a man in myself, then what do I look for later? Maybe something new, something ... to make me grow beyond. I don't know.
I have to try.
I work from within.
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My Magic Mana Colour

Courtesy of WoTC Magic: The Gathering
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Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Serpents & Stairways

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Serpents
Quintessentially mine.
My doubt, irrationalities and quirks. I must remind myself that there's no one that can deal with this for me. I can't share them, I cannot relate them to anyone. Its so solitary and lonely, and it forces me to face that there are shadows that I only cast that no one else can see.
Like everything else in life, its never falls direct. It will always veil itself in subterfuge even when its blatant and crude.
It consumes moments and prolongs torment, but part of me feels its necessary. Maybe it lets me handle anything lesser later. Maybe it makes me stronger.

Stairways
The theory of no pain, no gain is a weird one. Ive heard it glibly used, but I dont know if it holds any merit. Does it only apply to more physically adaptive actions? Should it?
It isn't the point, maybe.
A reminder that we are mortal or that we can always be better than who we are by exposing and feeling our own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I want to embrace that notion that we are always better than we believe and that we can always be more noble in our pursuit of happiness and self-improvements. My progress has to be recognised by me.
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Prose

Luck is a man.
He is silent.
Luck is my man.
He is willful and elusive.
Luck is evocative.
He allures and seduces me.
Fuck you, luck.
I want to.
Or you to me.
Or I will wait.
Or you shall abandon me.
Luck is a man.

Ill-futed serpents

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Ill
I think I’m getting ill. I can’t be sure, but it certainly feels that way.
I don’t think I know what brought it on.
I don’t even know if its … completely psychological even or wether its stress-related or compounding that with ‘age catching up’ with me and … and … fuck. I don’t know.
Upset tummy
Yea, its like that a bit.
Basically I’ve been feeling like I’ve been over eating coz most times after meals, I feel like puking and I occasionally do have some coming out but I quickly swallow the little bit in and forget about it. I’ve also been eating smaller portions … and as some friends have witnessed, chosen a lot less fried, spicy and oily food if I can help it.
And yet, I shit like I should have puked it out.
Sorry for the visual, but it’s the best equivalent I can find now.

Tempted
Every now and then, I think there’s something about relationships I’ve totally missed on the mark. Then I remind myself, I’m gonna take the next 6 months to work on myself. At least, on some part of my personal like that IS within my control and isn’t fraught with indecision.
It’ll help me face and accept the things I cannot change.

Loans
I really hope my ex-boss can help collect my pay slips and proof of pay for my last few months of service. I need that to get my car loan.
Iswara …. do they come in shocking purple?
Pretty please, with sugar on top!

Reminders
Sometimes, some things come back and remind about just how much shit you left in the past. That’s when it hits you and … well, it becomes another grueling test of character. And you question whether it’ll be worth it in the end.
But still we try, I guess. Perhaps that’s when I’ll learn about faith.
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Prose

Coils of the Gorgon
in my slumber
Slithering thoughts of malcontent
My name on the sibilant tongues.

Stone gargoyles
Dancing for eternity
Locked in embrace in sync
With the demons of time.

I sold my soul to you
You repudiated it
I wish the sins of the Styx upon you
My last prayer to the bones of death.

Meek Inheritance

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Rain
Maybe it is the shifting chills and gray blue ambience thats settled into my field of vision this morning. So I thought, let's compound the feeling with a little but of Tori Amos 'Tales of a Librarian'.
Mellow sounds too heavy, dreamy; too wistful. I think I'm somewhere between grounded and surreal. I can't place my finger on it but its a familiar feeling. Its unfortunate I've not explored it more before. I've little chance to immerse and consider it at work, but I can ... allow it to happen.
Which it is ...

Because it happens
Thats what I told a good friend last night.
If it looks like I should have taken another way, made the 'other' decision, I'll remind myself that there was something that lead me the way it was.
Just because.
And I have to believe it.

Parlor Spider
Spiderman3 was so promising and started off great & the build-up was great with the background and intertwining storylines. Until of course 70 % into the movie, the dialogue got cheesier and the dramatic 'acting' scenes became forced tear-jerkers. The convoluted way of tying up the end matched with god awful dialogue was really the waste.
It started so well .... but I guess its still redeemable if you can disregard the closeup-face-I'm-gonne-cry-again shots and inane dialogue towards the end.
James Franco was still hot however - i need more scenes of him shirtless ...
"To prepare himself for Sandman, Church pumped iron for 16 months to bolster his real-life form."
Now thats amazing!
He was this comedian in 'Ned & Stacy' which I remember and loved! And now he's ... buff as heck! I also reserve this commentary for Christian Bale for what he did in Batman Begins!

Reading
So I contacted Sharon B., who will be in discussion with Bernice C. on what slots may be available for June for a reading at Seksan.
Would be a good place to test for plays too.

Secondaries
I feel like doing something ... charitable? Altruistic? Something ...
And the best I can come up with now is staging a play in conjunction with World AIDS day.
This won't have anything to do with the other project I intend to stage next year.
But I think its something to do.
I recall vaguely a group of AIDS patients putting up a play last year.
Something like that ... yea.

Board games
I need more people who like board games too.
Rare in this day and age amongst, the common city folksies but there's bound to be a few.

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Prose
His silver eye looked at me.
His naked eye to my naked form.
Piercing deep underneath the facade of clothes and cultural habits.
I thought he might know. I was worried he would find out.
But I wanted someone to know, someone to find out - and then it might be easier.
Someone to break this weaving glamour unto me.

His silver lips broke perfect symmetry when his silver tongue caressed them.
Roilling wet and silky back and forth, he tested.
There need not be a test, no approval is required for the act.
The act that would be freely given then casually shushed aside.
I adore and abhor this nature of mine.
So self-vacant and dripping empty.

The silver fingers in grey light teased.
White blades of light glinting off black hair.
Remove my character, strip away my persona
I would have screamed, if I were more bold.
My last desperate attempt at immortal sin
Delirious pleasure of being his.

Erudite Smith

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The weekend
There were a few shows.
One was cancelled, primarily because there wasn't anyone to see it and I was informed later, it was unusual to have a Saturday matinee in Penang.
There were up and downs, molehills and mountains.
Some relationships staggered, others blossomed, some estranged while some reformed.
And DVD's were 4 bucks a pop.
Holee.
And a gleeful shoutout to my lovely rommies: Farah and Janice. ( hugs )
Farah: Brush up on your Chinese and don't forget to catch the next episode of MediaCorp STAR IDOL competition!
Janice: Get rest, much needed rest amd enjoy the mountain of DVD's you bought :p
The cast were great too!
Altho' it felt more like a holiday than a working show week but oh well.
I would have liked to get to know the girls and Brana better - but as it happens in large crowds on any excursion, you can't always mix with everyone you want to, but I still wish I could :D

It would seem customary to list down everyone's names, but you guys know who you are and that I lub you much much!

Muster Courage
Some words are defined and given meaning. Some virtues are given prominence but I still get confused as to why some are seen as virtues. Qualities of character perhaps, but ... virtue? Or is the word lost to meaning over the digital age or even when I grow older every year.
Maybe both.
I want courage ... to?
Strike at my enemies, who could be my friends as times and pacts change.
I want humility .... to?
Advance my career? Isnt' that counter-intepretative?
I don't know what to read or listen to anymore. Its quagmired by symbolism cum marketing.
Philosophy has no drive in this socio-economic world.
Its days are past and marked into the faded ruins and monuments of the annals of time.

See Saw
I feeling indulgent but its only temptation. It took me a long time to recognize alot of the signs of temptation and I'm always learning more new tricks it plays on me ... but I am learning.

Lurve
There is a Hug-Out I must digitalize and immortalize into the net.
(( hugs )) to Pat Low.
The wonder, duty and compassion you've felt on your current journeys are inspiring. As much as you may not seek to blossom the seed of cahrity in others, it'll happen nonetheless, should you continue in your beautiful and graceful exploration of yourself.
I (( hearts )) you.

To all
Learn to see the profound in your simplest surroundings. De-complicate the memories and guilt. Temper your shame with wisdom. Live ... live ... live ...
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Prose
I can think of nothing smaller than a moment.
Its slips through knots smaller than a grain of sand. It is fleeting and everyone seems to want to capture, recapture and shape it. But how does anyone embrace that moment? No palms are small enough, no arms long enough to wrap around the small, tiny, child of time.
This speck which enamors us all.

I can hold it between my fingers but I know it holds me in its rapture.
This moment, that moment, your moment, mine ...
If great things come in small packages, then it only takes that much or that little to change history.
In a moment, Bell discovered telephones, Franklin discovered electricity, Keller discovered tenacity and I could discover you.

So take awhile to watch it by.
It will never lie to you, because it cannot go back.
Nothing quite as true.
And when you consider it, it seems larger than eternity.
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Tis True

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Because its fun.
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G	Glorious
A	Astonishing
R	Refined
Y	Yummy
O	Orderly
O	Overwhelming
I	Innocent
Y	Yum
I	Intelligent
N	Nutty
N	Neat
H	Hilarious
E	Emotional
E	Enchanting

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
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Your results:
You are Mystique

Mystique 56% Mr. Freeze 50% The Joker 49% Riddler 44% Catwoman 42% Venom 42% Magneto 31% Green Goblin 28% Two-Face 28% Dr. Doom 27% Apocalypse 26% Dark Phoenix 23% Lex Luthor 22% Poison Ivy 21% Kingpin 11% Juggernaut 4%

Sometimes motherly, sometimes a beautiful companion, but most of the time a deceiving vixen.

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain are you?" quiz...

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Hehehe
But I was real surprised on the Mystique one!

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Single Hiatus

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Frustration
Work-related.
Cause: Unecessary attendance at a production meeting held at night on Labour Day.
Reason: Cause everyone' couldnt get together earlier and its getting to close to showdates.
Consequence: Black face throughout meeting even when smiling like an idiot. (sure the bosses noticed), missed Tell-Tale heart, along with the company of friends and making a friend wait an hour for me.
'Nuff said.
I was pissed.

Current Situation
I'm sitting at my desk on holiday (Wesak day) the next day, coz my convenience at the meeting allowed more 'last second' changes to the work which is already to print late.
Singing (screaming) my lungs out to Kelly Clarkson on iTunes coz I can.
Aiya ... nearly nobody around and frankly I don't care :p
Saw some hunky hotties finish some ?class? I guess upstairs .... uhmmm hmmm, worse yet, they know me (called me to ask me what I'm doing here) - and like an idiot I STILL don't know who they are ... sigh .... please don't be somebody's boyfriend.
Fuck.
Murphy's Law: its probablt the case.
Double Fuck.
I should be so lucky.

Perspectives
However, they are parts of my lust which are tempered by the question ?How do I get the physique like that? Or if I knew, what could I do to achieve them sometime - at least get started sometime soon?
Curious.

Therapeutic
It is -
scringing out with music. ANY lyrical music that can get you going ...
Like singing in the shower. It actually makes you feel better, like washing away the mental filth and stress lint of you mind as you wash your body. The water and music cleansing away the weight of the day, maybe not well, maybe not throughly, but still ... every little bit helps.
And it does.
Scouts honor.
And everything else (rorrwrrr).
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Prose
Marcossa made no pretense about the stain.
He didn't lie, he didn't need to. It was obvious.
The blood was not his.
It was simple but the simpler things in life often needed the grandest of explanations and he knew he simply couldn't function to utter the experience in mere words.
He felt serene.
Consumably placid and at peace with the colour.
Red.
Contrary to popular belief, it reminded him of home. A peaceful idyllic place from womb to death. So personal, and no one could remove that mark of humility he felt when he embraced the colour.
So Marcossa waited for them to understand. He sat through the interviews, through the old men in their white coats and the young men in their black suits and fat men in their brown uniforms. He could wait another lifetime. This one brought him his conclusion. He was sated.
In a chair he waited.
In the light he waited.
Till red consumed his eyes, his vision, his life.
And he returned to where he began.

Rejoice for him.
He found his heaven through the shackles of his hell on earth.
Rejoice for his discovery, celebrate his rebirth.
And know that few of us are as lucky as that.
If ever, to know what he knew in death.
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