Wilter and wilted

----

Toil
Do I not work enough?
Sometimes it feels like the universe is telling me that much.

Wilted
I guarantee this is how I'm feeling inside. How shell-like my skin and appearance to the outside world feels.

Not quite dead yet.

Dead End
I should have expected this to be where my job is.
But I tell myself it'll make a great portfolio. And it most likely will. If I can stand it for a year.
Or shorter.
I don't know.

Will have a meeting shortly with my Boss (Dato' Faridah') concerning a relatively large complaint with a regular client (paul Loosley) who's severely unsatisfied with my performance. And thats probably putting it mildly for him.
I'm certain the director (paul L) took it badly when I walked away from him in his mid-sermon to me, but I did so only after he asked me "Aren't you ashamed of the stuff you're putting out?"

Yea ... well ...

Will 411 you guys later.


---

You are a Serious Date

Your dating philosophy? "Dating is for finding a compatible partner" You're not so concerned with how you date... As much as where the relationship ends up. Guys to look for: Men who write a good bit about what they're looking for. Not only does it show that they are serious about dating as well - But that they've already put a good deal of thought in to it.

What Kind of Dating Diva Are You?

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Percussive Echoes

-----

Return to Sin
Its back.
With the advent of the rain. There’s been a dry spell for the past 2 weeks or a month. I’m not certain now but its back today. A full of day dew, gloom and wetness.
And like a attention-mongering step-child, so has my lusterless negativity.
I don’t know what else to name it.
Negativity.

Rut and Ruin
I feel chased all the time lately. Self-imposed I’m sure, but life cripplingly real. Its getting to me. The traveling distance to KL and USJ.
I’ll just get it out of the way – lots of people travel and work, perhaps further than I and for less pay and probably with more drive, verve and need that I do. But I’m not them not do I aspire to be alike. There – out of the way.

A few things to have had pondered over without much resolved success, maybe never so.
I dislike having spent so many hours in my car from day travel and night travel. I spend about … 3 – 4 hours daily in my car. Which wouldn’t be so much the issue, if the time spent wasn’t mostly done sitting in the traffic jams.
To avoid it, I remain behind at work late
(whether there is work is irrelevant because I’d stay late anyways, if there was … but sometimes it isn’t necessary. Its stuff I can or should do the day after)
So I can spend more time at the office than I need to.
I’m not built to work 6 days a week. Maybe if it were closer to home, but its not and its playing with my mind. Only so many hours to recuperate, recover and enjoy my time in between weeks.

Routinuity
I lack appetite, I lack sleep. I can’t seem to bother with either very effectively. I think sometimes, I’d want a vice like smoking or drinking. Because its something to do – rather than this need for limbo.
I think I hate doing more than what I can or am supposed to at work.
Some may thrive in these environments and challenges. I think I’ve established I cannot. I challenge myself in other ways and to actually … thrive or grow in it. Perhaps not.

Stagnation has always been a problem for me before and it happens often enough that I should be able to see the signs months ahead.

Occupational Hazard
I realize, I’m not motivated by career. I just want enough. Just enough. I was never very ambitious to begin with and maybe ambition does scare me a little.
I want some neat savings but I would abhor the pressure of the affluent, even if it is a matter of perspective.
I’m approaching or maybe already there (gay years tend to worry faster), where one begins to consider the rest of his life as a pattern. A way of living if you will. At 30 – this is how you should already have or should have been deciding how you life. Where you plan years ahead of time … where stability and finances becomes your primary goal (if you’re a burb or urban dweller living by your own means).

Family begins to count into your finances.
Either your own or your relatives.

And death visits your life more often.

Change of Fate
Perhaps a change in environment.
Or should I already have been through that stage in my early – mid 20s.
Change of mind … sometimes I change them as often as the seasons. The inconsistency of things become predictable but varyingly unpredictable in execution.

A new country … I am still considering Canada.

A new job … I would like to stay my hand at copywriting give the chance but the sad truth is I’m going to be hired by my trained and experienced profession rather than anything new to the industry (at aged 30).

A new life, seems too improbable since family seems to grow exponentially greater in terms of duty and obligation as the months pass into years.

Nested Cracked Eggs
So where does that leave me?
Square – octagon – nonagon one.
A vague idea of what I want when I should probably already know.
And little to obstacle-riddled means to get there, wherever that is.
I can’t seem to go back – because once you grow up … well, there’s no turning back is there, short of mental injury and aggressive regressive therapy.

---

"Save me ..." - Baywatch

Rain and Shine

---

Glee
I've kinda happy with myself. Just a wee bit mind you.

Reconnect
I've gotten in touch with 2 cute guys, and yes, though I'm tempted as in the past to just look lustily at them and indulge in fantasies which will REMAIN in my head ... I'm glad I can see them as friends and good people.
Yea for not giving up on really cute contacts!
I've called some from my old cellphone contact list (annual number cleaning) - and so far, there a few bites.
'Happy Happy Joy Joy' as an old friend used to claim.
And my oh my - they're looking hot as ever, I mean ... attractive, yea ... thats it.

Work
Been a bit slow but I'm getting into the spirits of picking things up. Albeit also slowly, but hey, better late than never. An excuse I use far too often much to my chagrin.
But I try ...

Parlour tricks
Occasionally I still wonder if I had magic powers or something to use in the real world. Nothing too big or fancy but ... well useful and discreet. I know, I know, in the end everything magickal ot otherwise supernatural is always too big for this world anyways.
But its nice to imagine.




Shout out
A short bowing to my dear friend, Vince, who didn't get his job confirmation.
Here's looking for much better job anyways, Fvck them!



















---

Carrying a Big White Sign

-----

Headway
I believe I've made some headway since ... oh 2 years ago. Yes, it is that time of year toward year end where most tend to turn inward ourselves and evaluate or take stock of what we've done, gone through, dated or dumped.

I've gon someways. I don't know if its the ... better way or if this is the better road of choices that I've walked on - but I guess we'll never know. I'll just have thanks for the little blessings, like I haven't fallen too ill at all this year, I've suffered no trauma, I'm not bankrupt ...

What is the road not taken, when I already on the one. Paltry musings.

Bobbing for apples.
Is like Bobbing for sin for fun.
Well, not really coz an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

So my family and I await a death of an aunt. A family friend who's grown so close for many of us that she may as well be blood related. A good lifelong and dear friend to my late grandmother.

I hope all is well in heaven.
And that they've prepared a seat on the great celestial mah-jong table.

---

Reboot and Reloot

---- Spring --- Fall ---

Feels like I'm skipping seasons in my life.
Akin to the phrase ' Where has the year gone ', except its missing chunks and phases.
I know where the year has been, but there are large gaps in between.
Paragraphs of banality and inconsequence in the book of my life.

I can easily find the path of need for greed.
Its gets clearer with age. The need for money. How interconnected the currency binds us to the way of living. At least at this stage of my life.
I should write memoirs of turning 30 soon enough. If it wasn't done before already, I'd pen it into a book and sell it for money.
There it is again, money ...


Moving ...
From phase to phase, I feel a little up-lifted today. Surprising. no? What one days worth of rest at home.
I had an intense allergy attack on Monday and didn't go to work.
The hours spent reading, lying in bed, playing old computer games ... although the result wasn't evident, seems to have spirited me a but more today at work.

Continents
I was thinking of discussing with my family soon the event of my place in the country.
I keep thinking, I'm here to stay - for my brother, for family, for the obligations of a new car, work and hopefully a place of my own.
Or maybe ... if the discussion happens.
Make a place in Canada. I have family there after all, but its ... going to be weird I think to consider moving there if my parents and brother are here.
Don't I have to stay and help?
Its one of these silent struggles I'm tackling with now.
It would be easier for me to go there on my own (apply as a working individual).













Relationships
Yup, gonna swear them off for a bit.
Or awhile.
So I'm on the market for meaningless physical relationships now. Just something more primal - without ties, connections or string attached. Snap the strings of the marionette of commitment.
Yea ... I hope this'll work out for the coming year.

---

Prose

No man is a no mad.
No mad woman is furious.
Furious as the monthly flame.
Flame of a queen thats inside.
In side of the cold dish.
Cold dish is best served.
To no man.

Sucked Six Below

---

Lamentations
I've written of this before, I'm certain. But its comes to pass once again.
An dear aunt who's been treasured in my family for most of my remembered life is on her deathbed. Cancer is attacking the bones, I'm told.
At her age, there's little we can go but wait.

So there it is.
The Annual Death Toll is collected.
Every year, a relative passes on. And though I've said to myself and to others (and heard it from them too) - I am of that age where these things happen.
Well ... its not something can prepare for or look forward, much less guard against every time it happens.

How now, aging cow?

Connections
I'm pretty sure this state of mind will seep into most aspects of my life, of particular notice will be my work.
I'm on the verge of saying 'tough luck', but this sort of family thing gets to me all the time.

I always did wish as a kid I wasn't truly related by blood to anyone. All the better to detach or severe myself whenever I need to. I don't wish them ill or death, just a selfish ease for myself to get things by.

Its true
... what I've read about me. In some cosmic collection of Western and Eastern astrology - the Horse always needs the open (at least the opportunity or the window open), and the Fish cannot stay too long in one place or stagnant in doing so.
It applies mentally and emotionally, I guess.

To survive,need I move on? ... Escape?
It is braver to stand and fight or to choose to live another day?

Or is this simply a weird eventually of me turning 30 in a few months.

---

Prose

What kind of relation can I establish with the modern world if I can't figure out how to use modern day devices?
How disconnected can one be, in the world thats growing smaller digitally every new tech-savvy release?
I fear that one day, I will use a mouse and choke the poor rodent to death wondering why it squeaks when I click it, or linger in amazement at the size of the spider's nest to be able to build a world wide web for the layman to surf on.
I feel like that sometimes.
It's difficult being the only parrot with short term memory.
I will ponder on the fact as I continue working the phones.
I need this job, and its the only one I'm good at.
Employee of the month.
At the Microsoft Help Centre.

Snail on a couch

I feel you.

---

No, but yea, but no ... but yea.

Yes ... my brain, willpower, self-belief and passion feel like meat patties now, on a grill, on a fire, in a picnic, out for lunch.

Crap.









I'm of a sound mind (fettering to unsound soon enough) - that I should have taken a week off after the major workload in August.
I didn't.
And its catching up to me ... in parsecs.
Bit by bit.
Everyday now.
Until I take off. So ... just how do I explain this to my bosses? How does anyone ???

---

Flattering Flame to a Moth

-----

Change of heart
So I had a chat (to catch up on each other) with my ex, Josh / Lewis last night.

And I'm changing my perception. I mean, to say - perhaps I have all along, slowly and surely but I'm pretty sure he summed it up pretty well by example what my current leanings are.

Gay relationships, or rather the nature of them are not what they are ideally anymore. At least not in practise here. Its really no longer about monogamy (Asia), and the average gay man doesn't believe in the tenets of a binding relationship.
The closest is to have a boyfriend but still maintain lovers.
Or threesomes, or orgies, or explicit sex with strangers without your partner present (but knowing).

Is that what the new gay youth are growing to believe if current practise has anything to do with it.
Keep fucking, but hope for love meanwhile. .... sigh ...
There's no such thing as a gay relationship lasting beyond 5 years, it just isn't possible in Asia ... its a myth ...

Fact: Straight asian men are commonly having male-to-male sex but still identify as straight because they're just having 'gun' whilst still fulfilling duties to their marriage, wives and children.

So where does that leave me?

Given my current state of mind and affairs and the promise I made to myself.

Yea ... its time to break the fairy tale on its 'happily ever after'.







On the Side
I've offered to help out cute theatre student on his exam piece.
Should be fun. And I've yet to try and make-up for the lost make-out sessions.
It'll come ...

Work
I'm ... how to explain this?

Its like I'm mourning something at work. Every time I try to work, or begin to concentrate, things unravel and it becomes more of a chore than usual. Hence my commentary about my state of mind and situation. Perhaps I have made my own personal working environment unhealthy.
My hand at work did this.
I killed what little joy there was to enjoy work here at theatre.
Its the slacking, its the supposed depression, its the procrastination, its the slump, the rut, the molasses of productivity. slug slug slug
Is my personal life acerbating work?

I'm hoping I break out of this soon. Please.

Reading

Yes, I can't believe it and it was a surprise to me when it was released. White Wolf Publications has re-written the wonderful world of Changeling (the Dreaming to the Lost).
Its different enough that it know it as NOTHING to do with the older oWoD book.

But its just as entrancing, darker and bright at the same time. Beautiful Madness.

And I just acquired it.
Yes ....

---

Prose

Muster the cluster of Courage, said Knight to River,
Save the Princess in the face of the Moon.
For she fled with her lover, North wind too soon.
Before he gave his heart to her on a platter, of silver.

Such things be told, the stories of horror.
Of gutting oneself and beastly terror.
Radiant feeble hope is elusive.
Like the lessons passed from parent to child, abusive.

Storm and Thunder

---

Swept away by the Inevitable

For my blog absence, it’s a simple explanation.
I found facebook – or rather it found me.
Late as I may be to join the FB cult, it latches on quick, tight and deadly; and as the noose tightened, my online life seeped away. But I wouldn’t want to dwell on that here.
It’s the state of things that matter.

Work
With some glee and ennui, its remains constant. It’s a good thing, when all things are considered, altho’ I admit, I’m getting lazier by the day. But it happens everywhere that I begin to work. Job satisfaction is rare, but it gives the occasional boost to keep on grinding.

Photoshop CS3 (6 Nov)
Went to Mandatin Oriental Hotel, KLCC with an old friend, Mun Wai. Definitely worth the RM 15 carpark at KLCC (it was full at the hotel), overcrowded hall and reception and free admission.
The program gets more amazing with each application. It can incorporate BASIC sound files and animated / graphic video work. But the most impressive was (besides nicer interface) was … the application to read, edit and simple manipulation of 3D files.

Yes!
If I can ever afford the 4-digit price, now designers can maintain the market on perhaps, some interior dressing work and set design.

Relationships (6 Nov)

I changed the status quo from dating to friends with Derek.
It was much harder than I thought it’d be. Much, much more. But to my knowledge, it was never easy. Let’s hope friends works out better.
It just … didn’t work out – for me anyways, and if its not a 2-way road, its not a relationship.
I’m not certain it ended well, but it was late and perhaps we were cranky. There’s no perfect time to discuss and decide break-ups, should it be in the middle of a crisis or life. There’s no good time, and it had to be some time sooner than later.
I think I waited just a little too long.
I don’t know if there was a fog lifted but I have to begin getting a clearer vision or myself, and the person I want to ‘be’ and ‘be with’ in the years to come.
He wasn’t it.
He needs someone who can keep up with him, who can share his life with him - and that means everything that makes him who he is.
I wasn't the person.

I’ve learnt one thing if nothing else. I can’t do casual.
It either flirtation or a relationship for keeps.
I’ve never been very good at being moderate.
It’s a good reminder to oft tell myself to practice ‘Everything in moderation’ because it’s the hardest thing to do for me.

Reconnecting (oct - nov)
Priya K.
It was … almost like a reboot – to hear from hear (a phonecall from Penang: nov 6) yesterday night. She’s back in Penang for awhile with family. Its … good to know the thread still exists.
Colin K.
Well, I’m giving this the old heave ho’. (oct) Its hard to explain why I feel I want to reconnect with someone who’s perfectly able and well to never once expect to meet or greet again. But perhaps, I’m being selfish and wanting to tie any loose ends I have in my life.
Something … I can’t go about believing that people will always do the right thing even if its hardest when I can’t try my hardest.
If he’s willing to give me a chance, I’ll try and be a friend.
Its been awhile, maybe too long – but I got to try … until I can’t anymore.

Broken Promises
I broke my own promise.
I wouldn’t try and pursue any serious relationship. It appears than even causal ones can take its toll. I was suppose to begin working on myself but I think I’ve done very little to none.
Zilch.
Perhaps flirtation and all the perks of that, but I can’t handle another one. At least not now.
Of the most sacred, the promises to yourself are hardest to mend.

So where am I headed?

Stay tuned.

---

Prose

I hate to be alone.
It is not the fear that there will be no one to hear.
But the fear I would have to listen to myself.

Swinging Doors

-------

Closing time
This past weekend Saturday was one of KL's earliest gay clubs closing night. It was decided they would have their swan song on their 5th year anniversary after 11 years of service to the LBGT community.
Well, sort of.
Although it started out as the risque 'ZigZag' (with its first all male stripper show) about 11 years ago that was reopened after being shut down (for the strip fest), as Liquid a year later I think. It was a bar and dance club.
Until it bought up the spaces above it and opened up Disco dance club and maintained Liquid downstairs as a bar and lounge. This expansion lasted for the last 5 years. With a prominent history and rocky lifespan, it slowly dwindled as recently flashier gay spots in the heart of KL opened up. Other venues over the recent years also opened up to mixed gay/straight nights of clubbing.
So this was their swan song. It wasn't even a packed night for a closing, much less a anniversary night. No more annual Mr Liquid parties, no more 'school' nights and foam parties in that space. It was a comfortable crowd but one would have expected a much grander crowd for closing night ...

As is, Disco dance club is closing and as announced, 'Liquid' will be moving to another location. Let's hope for the better.

Daring
On a whim, after an early night, after the club's swan song.
I went to a very well known gay cruising park somewhere in Cheras (it was called 'Lost World') with my friends and guides. I had never been there although I've heard a plenty about it. Oh it was a very NICE park indeed!
Although I must admit, I was terrible at cruising :( even with the aide of expert more experienced friends with me. but the walk at night was lovely in such a nice park.
I'll resign myself to the fact that any one of these one night stand / cruise / bathhouses type gay activities that I'm just no good at.

---

Prose

Revolving Revolutions.
We move full circle forward, which makes no sense.
Not to me, not to few others too I hope.
Or else I'd mope.
At the state of things.
At the state of government.
I'll weep and laugh in silent mirth and ironic humour.
And come full circle.
At least I can't step back, becuase it means I'l only moving forward.
Or is it the other way around.
Help me.

Muse Lovers

---
Nothing fancy.
Just wanted to share two amazing new / latest singles from my books
of the most talented young male singer / songwriter / producers.
And yes, I would sleep with them in a heartbeat.

JC Chasez's "You Ruined Me" Alb: "Kate" Release: Summer 2007
Underrated composer / producer of the ex-famed N'Synx

Wang Lee Hom, Alexander 12th album, "Change Me (改變自己)". Release: July 13th 2007
Through this album, Leehom promotes the issue of global warming and eco-awareness.

... and I would consider selling my soul if these two could have a long lasting happy romantic relationship with each other .... sigh ...

Googer-realla

-----

Busy busy
Intentions and all that.
I'll be taking a leap. I think I'll treat myself to that at least once a year, or on the occasional. Feels ... good for the soul, mine. Like I haven't experienced wild abandonment before! Well, not totally anyways.
I'll be attending an art / DJ music thing under CUM (Creative United Movement) - by Lucideas someplace in KL called 'Palate Pallet". Should be interesting, and maybe I'll meet some people there that help in future personal projects. No harm eh, I juts hope there's not too much social mingling ... I don't last too long in those crowds.
Oh, I forget to mention - its tonight.
Tomorrow night, I'll be following my good friend Vince to a meeting or discussion for Malaysian Gay Writers at the Central Market Annexe. Should prove to be interesting, and hopefully some new insight will be found. We shall hope, no?
I'm all for encouraging Malaysian gay writer and Content thats relevant to it!
On Saturday - I forget what I need to do at night now ... but After Work - there's a bloody good chance I'll be trying out for "One in a Million" singing contest auditions again at Berjaya Times Square.
Yea for raising the age limit to 32 !

Friendly Consideration
I've mostly resigned myself to knowing I will rarely get company for my crazy adventures anymore. it actually takes effort (who knew) for someone to say yes to accompanying me while I go tryout auditions, take random walks around KL, check out gallery launches and stuff. Primarily because it no longer feels genuine for some individuals.
At the back of my head, I think it'd be nice to ask them - and then I wonder at all the times I've been passed over, turned down and excluded ... and then, in a nonchalant manner, I'll wave it off.
I need to find new people as friends. And I mean real friends. I've assumed too much already on the basis of friendships. I can't prostitute the meaning of what a friendship should be anymore. Proximity doesn't count.
Effort does, as do consideration and thoughtfulness (well at some point, any point!)

And ... I should find more friends my age.

---

Fewmets Grace

-----

Body Utopia

I heard a line from a series, and I believe it was in comic reference to one of the qualities of being a urban gay man. “… having unrealistic body expectations …”
Now that struck a familiar chord. Though in jest, it implied something bad.
Is it?

Now, although I’m unfortunately lacking in the muscular obsessive dept., and sometimes I really wish I was more obsessed and doggedly determined about it, I know I won’t ever get the PornStarBody (PSB). I mean, what business can I make from there, certainly there’s no legitimate local thriving male gay adult theatre I can audition for.
And I certainly can’t be a model on physique alone. I don’t have the height nor face nor sense of listening explicitly to direction.
So, in all – I can’t seem think having some PSB goals as a bad thing. Its too bad, that it costs so much, both financially and time. The food (diet), the consistent gym hours, the everything … which makes more sense if it were a PSB-reliant JOB as well, but its not the case. And I’m sodden sad again.

-----

Because this next part is extraordinarily long, I'll only be putting up s short excerpt.
The full story can be read here.

|| GreaterDispel ||

Confessions of a Drama

"Trying to feel included, or at least waiting to be invited.
I felt like a ghost in the wall sometimes, wishing for a thought. Maybe they’ll think of asking me to come out and play.
There’s nothing to apologize for. There’s nothing to forgive, no one did anything wrong. All I wanted to be was a devoted friend, and if I said or did anything unsettling, I didn’t mean it.
I told them every night, I told everyone in the production every night.
But I was drowned out."

----

Confessions of the tired

---

Thats it Gentleman.

Five Crossed Constellations

Voucher
Long story short.
I walked past a Border’s open book sale and noticed a few people drawing in front of the stage. I came in late, but since I was waiting for a movie to start yesterday, I joined the “Manga Drawing Contest”.
The judges were from local comic and animation industries, and would have been nice if they arranged a discussion between the participants and the contestants later to critique work and stuff. Make proper use of their time and expertise.
Anyways …. It was surprising since it was really a time-spender thing for me and in 2 age categories (8 – 15) and (16 and above), as well as only about 12 participants where there are 3 prizes for both categories being given out. All I had was my mechanical pencil in my bag and I saw some of the participants with full colour Copic markers. Wow.
I won the older category with a first place voucher of RM 200.00 to spend at Borders. Wonder if I can drag this voucher to last till next May to buy the new Dungeon and Dragons PHB 4.0 RuleSet.

Mixed feelings
Relationships,
which I question whether I’m really ready for one.
I want to make sure I’m not mistaking this nice feeling as just a fun time (which I’m not opposed to of course!) or if … its really him. I want to be fair to him. Of all things, I need to be honest in this and for the both of us. And also consider my own promise to myself.
Friendships,
Where the dynamics have changed and its making me uncomfortable. I must teach myself to accept that I am not and cannot always maintain or have the opportunity to reaffirm my place as certain individuals friends no matter how much I may like d to. Or even how much I would have liked the rapport and closeness we felt as friends in the past / previous productions. Its silly ot me to think, I could be more especially when I can barely make the time … such as they have for their own inner circle. It sucks to feel left out, but I’ll come to terms with that, I have to … right?
I should be happy just knowing I have the few friends that I have … the few friends that I know are, for as much meaning as the word can hold are … friends.
So, a sincere thank you for those who’ve treated me in kind and hardly left a doubt at the end of the day, or week or month, even after the messiest of storms, to those who’ve stuck on with me.
Thanks.
Now I’m all misty-eyed.
Must be the fact I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

I need sleeping pills.

Less Angry
And I’ve said it many times before. Gosh! - I want support for this!
I want some kind of social encouragement that’ll say it’s a the better road, the higher road. I tell myself that but that fad is waning fast and I need a new perspective to run achieve that.
I’m not sure I can do it alone.

Massage
I’m going in for the Blind Man’s Massage at this un-signage-d parlour at KL Sentral. My old friend is leading me there again. He’s such a connoisseur of such places. Ha Ha.
Of course, I don’t think I’m quite brave or confident enough to actually try the sauna’s and bathhouses upstairs.
I’m much more content getting a good massage downstairs, Hanky-Hand-Panky optional and subject to how well the massage was, and often times at these visually handicapped guys are pretty good :D I’m glad to say!


Ideal
I fear to think what the “ideal” man is, the “ideal” date would be … and I shudder to begin to imagine what the “ideal” day could even be …

---------

I need more good memories. We all could.

Yugoloth Dreams

------

Sick
Between the 5 am jolts to consciousness and the bouts of nasal blockage, work line-ups and acting in a play at night ... I think I'm coping ok.
But ... feeling very beside myself.

Hooked
Yes, I will concur with some friends.
FaceBook is addicting.
I hope the addiction doesn't last long, but the FluffPets are killing me. They're the reason I go back to check on them all the time :(
Sigh - I suppose this comes from having an allergy to many varied species of the animal kingdom during my youth. Allergies, be damned.

---
Prose

Little circular bores of circles, drill.
Concentric shapes into my skull, driving the brain
with Vibrations than do it no good.

Respect does the same thing.
I think the difference between that and obligation and duty is nary a hair's breadth long. But we carry it like a lifelong heritage burdened by our own self of self-social upbringing.

Life-Challenged

---

Life-Inept
Okay, I'll attribute some of today's text mood to the fact I'm suffering from a stuffed nose and my sinuses have flared up again, in light of the humid rainy chilling weather all day long in an air conditioned office staring at a computer screen.
Did I mention that I'm having a Open Night for my play tonight ... ? In a couple of hours. And any strong medicine I may take to help me through this might konk me out and perhaps cause some drowsiness, because we all know how little effective non-drowsiness flu medicine there is available in Malaysia.
And so, I feel life-inept.
Ill-equipped to walk this road to life, this journey into discovery.
Damn.

Prayer
I hope the shows goes well ... uhhh, up to the end of its run, yes?


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Prose

Breathe free,
effervescent delight.
Amidst the haze of allergens and spring dust
I want to breathe free.
We all do.
Away with the pills,
Away with the bland meals,
Away with the constraints of bed sheets.
Just make me
Breathe free.

Fingers pointing to the Flame

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the Angry man
I guess it holds some truth. You do get angrier as you grow older.
I don't know how comfortable I'll be knowing I'll be an angry man in the future.
It has come to my attention, I am not the same person I was just so few years ago. I realized it, but I did not realize just how much of a public face anger could wear.
I always thought otherwise, but I guess I was wrong.
I am wrong.

Change
Necessary, natural, neutral and unconcerned about the affairs of men.
I will flow with it.
I must embrace it, or die stuck in my own time and character.
So I'll begin.
Quiet.

Diversion
Personal devotion to something to calm me. Missing. I think.
I have to try and remember the lessons of my youth.
I miss that person. He was aware but soft.
I miss soft.
I've baked into a crust, a brusque shell of unconcern and opinion. I use the excuse that I am only so angry because I care, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
I miss myself.

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Birth

I wonder if a snail can tell time moving as it does at that pace.
Does the world spin dizzily too fast, or hauntingly slow as it considers the path before it.

Do the birds in flight look below the world from high above.
Can it see into the lattice of humankind life and wink at the sun and sea in lofty caws.

Will the seas spill their secrets to the shores.
Or have already but our blindness allow the sands to words to slip back to their sad waters.

I will pick a side although I wonder which.
I don't know if it'll have me, sore from the waiting, ill from the need, strange from wanting.

In the heart of mine, burns the flame caught still.
The skin is covered frigid cold with numbness than spider crawls across the pores and cracks.

I was born wrong.
I was born for change.
I was born for no reason.
I was borne.

---

The 7th 100 Eye

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You_TV_Tube
Yea - catching up on all the Ambiguously Gay Duo episodes on YouTube.
Funny (tee hee hee) ... that and Dame Edna.
The newer stuff and her older shows.

Rehearsals
Was very frustrated yesterday night. Angry at myself and consequently upset and everything else related too closeby.
Maybe this whole thing isn't such a good idea, but I have to do it now.
Huge difference of intention and state of mind when you "want" to do something and you "have" to do something - even if they are the same thing.

Let's hope I can catch up by ... oh ... Sunday.
Its Bump-in on Sunday and Showtime on Thursday.
I need to know my lines!

Back to Origins
I've mentioned I need to simplify and uncomplicate things. I constantly need to remind myself of it. Its certainly not easy and I can only wish it would make my life easier.
Maybe it won't ever be, thats a possibility.
But just as well, it may as well.
Crap.
You suck, life.

Gym
It actually makes sense to go back to that routine. And it would help a lot. Its more personal than I'd ever thought it could be and I wasn't compelled by anything but a desire to commit simply and relax then when I was at the gym doing my stuff.
Somethings unbalanced, unhinged, and I have to find the fulcrum again.

Awards
Yea, my friend Dann, won a bunch of things for this short short story thing. I figured there were a lot of important people in some industries at the awards I accompanied him for. He's going to Bali, won a free MotoRazor and I was mistaken for his PR Agent. Ha ha!
Serve me right for going around asking relevant question about the details of the prizes on his behalf.
Still I met this guy there who I've had this minor crush on in art college. He's lost a lot of his muscle bulk and all, but he's still attractive to me!
Yea, its the same contest I told him and urged him to join.

Karma
I've told my friend Dann, that someday, I hope Karma is racking up all the points to repay me. I've helped friends, get jobs, win prizes, informed them of opportunities and plugged in the right people to them when they needed the contacts and info. And here I am, stressing, awardless and prizeless.
-sigh-
Life, you suck.

Reminders
Great! I just reminded myself, I have to write something Malaysiana for this weekends OpenMikeGig at PJ.
Oops.

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Prose

Delightful slippets of nighty night
Daytime reverie playtime.
Sleep now for fourty winks.
Come fleeting for me
In the slippers of your eyelids.

Scuttlewing and Left for Deed

---

Chill
Its cold and chilly tonight. The kind that gives my body the mild premonition of a fever.
I think I'm getting sick.
I could walk about and warm up, but the entire building is frosty shivery and since it rained outside for the last hour or so, its the same outside.
Bah-hun-bug.

Patience
So I wait for my rehearsals to begin.
The few we have left.
I'm apprehensive about the whole show, but some niggling doubts of me feel completely free of responsibility of it. Utterly abandoning free and absolved.
Maybe I'm going into auto-pilot. A mechanical action freeing me of all conscious decisions to care. To do exact what is told and nothing more and nothing less.

Puzzle Recognition
Vince Chong, our local talented singer (who'll be in performing in "Frogway" The Actors Studio ), stopped to asked we we meet before.
I dont think so. Really, I dont.
Though he's much cuter IRL than in photos.
And I'd liked to know him better.
Perhaps ... it was the slightly longer than usual eye contact. I was checking him out trying to place him in my memory - not sure it was a celebrity. But it lingered long enough for him I suppose to register as a "recognizable" stare.
Oops.
Still, he looks like a darling in person.

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Prose

Interrupted. Between. Lines. I'm happy for him, I am. Pause. Between. Breaths. I'm not lying. Down, I mean, when I heard it. Drop. Fallen. News. Really, I am. Thats how you know. Interrupted. Blind. Mistress. I wish it was otherwise.

Pitcher of Perfection

The girl and her dollhouse.

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Deathlines
Its now the 13th - and the play I'm involved in opens on the 23rd. Thats about 9 days time. And we only have 5 more rehearsals. How's that for a plays death sentence.
We have enough to put on a show, but is it worth it to see, or to be staged ... I don't know. The director seems to think its going along well enough, judging from her behaviour and generally laissez-faire attitude. She seems calm enough about it.
Wonder if she'll part of share some secret about her confidence and apparent placidness concerning the play and our performance.

So much for this toy house production, I konw in my heart its an amateur performance but I really want it to be as professional as I can.

It hurts kinda to know I can walk away wth no regret or problem.
It hurts to know that I won't have a contract because I won't be paid for this. I can screw up and not really give a shit, with only work ethic being my only conscience.
It hurts because this is really just a feat to payback what I'm being charged for on the company printing mistake several months back.
(its really more of a sympathetic pang - nothing quite so gut-wrenchingly painful, so no worries, eh)

Work
It does seem to have slowed down a bit since the mad rush is mostly over for me. The rest will just be beginning for the rest of the office. I will have to catch up on all the other things and work lined up from before but I know I can take it slower, and thats always good at work.

Dates
I've lined up a few things. I have a full day on a coming Sunday. After a full run- I'll be rushing off to read at the OMG (Open Mike Gig) held at the Food Foundry, PJ, courtesy of my friends Pat and Priya. Yea!
I'll be looking forward to that, altho' I may have a problem with the Malaysiana theme. I don't exactly know how many of my pieces and writing really reflect Malaysiana as a whole or partial piece even. I'd like to think of my amateur writing as ... more universal. I have neither the skill nor experience to write anything more aptly detailed.

Dating
Its working out ok. But I'm not sure I'm settling for ok anymore.
I need to be more demanding, I need ... more now. I've come to realize I've settled a lot in the past, because, I guess, I wanted to always be someone better, like I wasn't good enough. But I've got to stop that.
Thats the reason why I had this stupid sabbatical in the first place. To place myself first and work on myself from within, regardless of how cliche that may be. damn it ...
And the guy needs to know this. I know I've mentioned it to him, but I torn to really letting him know how serious I need this to work for me. Not for us ... just me.

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Prose

I clown around the fringes of a man's thoughts. I idle away at the working woman who never thinks she's enough. I spin dizzily at a childs disregarding upbringing.
I am a lost conscience.

Close your eyes, voluntarily to me.
No more talk of wonders, no more open battles lest we see it coming. We are covert, stealthy operatives to the core of the soul. And we strike painlessly, lest we feel.

Signet of words, we used long ago.
Fall heedlessly to sealed ears. The flaps of the lobe skin strung and sealed across the earhole. The eardrum humming to the selfless thoughts we wish only to hear but never listen.

And I hate. With a hunger.
Run away with me to close a chapter of human greed.
I will show you mute music, blinding light and many more things you cannot imagine because you were taught never to.

I settle across the brow of the permanent frowns. I sink between the wrinkles and creases of pristine perfect dermatological miracles. I whet on the stirrings of primal consumerism working up the evolutionary ladder.
I am the lost conscience.