Percussive Echoes

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Return to Sin
Its back.
With the advent of the rain. There’s been a dry spell for the past 2 weeks or a month. I’m not certain now but its back today. A full of day dew, gloom and wetness.
And like a attention-mongering step-child, so has my lusterless negativity.
I don’t know what else to name it.
Negativity.

Rut and Ruin
I feel chased all the time lately. Self-imposed I’m sure, but life cripplingly real. Its getting to me. The traveling distance to KL and USJ.
I’ll just get it out of the way – lots of people travel and work, perhaps further than I and for less pay and probably with more drive, verve and need that I do. But I’m not them not do I aspire to be alike. There – out of the way.

A few things to have had pondered over without much resolved success, maybe never so.
I dislike having spent so many hours in my car from day travel and night travel. I spend about … 3 – 4 hours daily in my car. Which wouldn’t be so much the issue, if the time spent wasn’t mostly done sitting in the traffic jams.
To avoid it, I remain behind at work late
(whether there is work is irrelevant because I’d stay late anyways, if there was … but sometimes it isn’t necessary. Its stuff I can or should do the day after)
So I can spend more time at the office than I need to.
I’m not built to work 6 days a week. Maybe if it were closer to home, but its not and its playing with my mind. Only so many hours to recuperate, recover and enjoy my time in between weeks.

Routinuity
I lack appetite, I lack sleep. I can’t seem to bother with either very effectively. I think sometimes, I’d want a vice like smoking or drinking. Because its something to do – rather than this need for limbo.
I think I hate doing more than what I can or am supposed to at work.
Some may thrive in these environments and challenges. I think I’ve established I cannot. I challenge myself in other ways and to actually … thrive or grow in it. Perhaps not.

Stagnation has always been a problem for me before and it happens often enough that I should be able to see the signs months ahead.

Occupational Hazard
I realize, I’m not motivated by career. I just want enough. Just enough. I was never very ambitious to begin with and maybe ambition does scare me a little.
I want some neat savings but I would abhor the pressure of the affluent, even if it is a matter of perspective.
I’m approaching or maybe already there (gay years tend to worry faster), where one begins to consider the rest of his life as a pattern. A way of living if you will. At 30 – this is how you should already have or should have been deciding how you life. Where you plan years ahead of time … where stability and finances becomes your primary goal (if you’re a burb or urban dweller living by your own means).

Family begins to count into your finances.
Either your own or your relatives.

And death visits your life more often.

Change of Fate
Perhaps a change in environment.
Or should I already have been through that stage in my early – mid 20s.
Change of mind … sometimes I change them as often as the seasons. The inconsistency of things become predictable but varyingly unpredictable in execution.

A new country … I am still considering Canada.

A new job … I would like to stay my hand at copywriting give the chance but the sad truth is I’m going to be hired by my trained and experienced profession rather than anything new to the industry (at aged 30).

A new life, seems too improbable since family seems to grow exponentially greater in terms of duty and obligation as the months pass into years.

Nested Cracked Eggs
So where does that leave me?
Square – octagon – nonagon one.
A vague idea of what I want when I should probably already know.
And little to obstacle-riddled means to get there, wherever that is.
I can’t seem to go back – because once you grow up … well, there’s no turning back is there, short of mental injury and aggressive regressive therapy.

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"Save me ..." - Baywatch