Wilter and wilted

----

Toil
Do I not work enough?
Sometimes it feels like the universe is telling me that much.

Wilted
I guarantee this is how I'm feeling inside. How shell-like my skin and appearance to the outside world feels.

Not quite dead yet.

Dead End
I should have expected this to be where my job is.
But I tell myself it'll make a great portfolio. And it most likely will. If I can stand it for a year.
Or shorter.
I don't know.

Will have a meeting shortly with my Boss (Dato' Faridah') concerning a relatively large complaint with a regular client (paul Loosley) who's severely unsatisfied with my performance. And thats probably putting it mildly for him.
I'm certain the director (paul L) took it badly when I walked away from him in his mid-sermon to me, but I did so only after he asked me "Aren't you ashamed of the stuff you're putting out?"

Yea ... well ...

Will 411 you guys later.


---

You are a Serious Date

Your dating philosophy? "Dating is for finding a compatible partner" You're not so concerned with how you date... As much as where the relationship ends up. Guys to look for: Men who write a good bit about what they're looking for. Not only does it show that they are serious about dating as well - But that they've already put a good deal of thought in to it.

What Kind of Dating Diva Are You?

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Percussive Echoes

-----

Return to Sin
Its back.
With the advent of the rain. There’s been a dry spell for the past 2 weeks or a month. I’m not certain now but its back today. A full of day dew, gloom and wetness.
And like a attention-mongering step-child, so has my lusterless negativity.
I don’t know what else to name it.
Negativity.

Rut and Ruin
I feel chased all the time lately. Self-imposed I’m sure, but life cripplingly real. Its getting to me. The traveling distance to KL and USJ.
I’ll just get it out of the way – lots of people travel and work, perhaps further than I and for less pay and probably with more drive, verve and need that I do. But I’m not them not do I aspire to be alike. There – out of the way.

A few things to have had pondered over without much resolved success, maybe never so.
I dislike having spent so many hours in my car from day travel and night travel. I spend about … 3 – 4 hours daily in my car. Which wouldn’t be so much the issue, if the time spent wasn’t mostly done sitting in the traffic jams.
To avoid it, I remain behind at work late
(whether there is work is irrelevant because I’d stay late anyways, if there was … but sometimes it isn’t necessary. Its stuff I can or should do the day after)
So I can spend more time at the office than I need to.
I’m not built to work 6 days a week. Maybe if it were closer to home, but its not and its playing with my mind. Only so many hours to recuperate, recover and enjoy my time in between weeks.

Routinuity
I lack appetite, I lack sleep. I can’t seem to bother with either very effectively. I think sometimes, I’d want a vice like smoking or drinking. Because its something to do – rather than this need for limbo.
I think I hate doing more than what I can or am supposed to at work.
Some may thrive in these environments and challenges. I think I’ve established I cannot. I challenge myself in other ways and to actually … thrive or grow in it. Perhaps not.

Stagnation has always been a problem for me before and it happens often enough that I should be able to see the signs months ahead.

Occupational Hazard
I realize, I’m not motivated by career. I just want enough. Just enough. I was never very ambitious to begin with and maybe ambition does scare me a little.
I want some neat savings but I would abhor the pressure of the affluent, even if it is a matter of perspective.
I’m approaching or maybe already there (gay years tend to worry faster), where one begins to consider the rest of his life as a pattern. A way of living if you will. At 30 – this is how you should already have or should have been deciding how you life. Where you plan years ahead of time … where stability and finances becomes your primary goal (if you’re a burb or urban dweller living by your own means).

Family begins to count into your finances.
Either your own or your relatives.

And death visits your life more often.

Change of Fate
Perhaps a change in environment.
Or should I already have been through that stage in my early – mid 20s.
Change of mind … sometimes I change them as often as the seasons. The inconsistency of things become predictable but varyingly unpredictable in execution.

A new country … I am still considering Canada.

A new job … I would like to stay my hand at copywriting give the chance but the sad truth is I’m going to be hired by my trained and experienced profession rather than anything new to the industry (at aged 30).

A new life, seems too improbable since family seems to grow exponentially greater in terms of duty and obligation as the months pass into years.

Nested Cracked Eggs
So where does that leave me?
Square – octagon – nonagon one.
A vague idea of what I want when I should probably already know.
And little to obstacle-riddled means to get there, wherever that is.
I can’t seem to go back – because once you grow up … well, there’s no turning back is there, short of mental injury and aggressive regressive therapy.

---

"Save me ..." - Baywatch

Rain and Shine

---

Glee
I've kinda happy with myself. Just a wee bit mind you.

Reconnect
I've gotten in touch with 2 cute guys, and yes, though I'm tempted as in the past to just look lustily at them and indulge in fantasies which will REMAIN in my head ... I'm glad I can see them as friends and good people.
Yea for not giving up on really cute contacts!
I've called some from my old cellphone contact list (annual number cleaning) - and so far, there a few bites.
'Happy Happy Joy Joy' as an old friend used to claim.
And my oh my - they're looking hot as ever, I mean ... attractive, yea ... thats it.

Work
Been a bit slow but I'm getting into the spirits of picking things up. Albeit also slowly, but hey, better late than never. An excuse I use far too often much to my chagrin.
But I try ...

Parlour tricks
Occasionally I still wonder if I had magic powers or something to use in the real world. Nothing too big or fancy but ... well useful and discreet. I know, I know, in the end everything magickal ot otherwise supernatural is always too big for this world anyways.
But its nice to imagine.




Shout out
A short bowing to my dear friend, Vince, who didn't get his job confirmation.
Here's looking for much better job anyways, Fvck them!



















---

Carrying a Big White Sign

-----

Headway
I believe I've made some headway since ... oh 2 years ago. Yes, it is that time of year toward year end where most tend to turn inward ourselves and evaluate or take stock of what we've done, gone through, dated or dumped.

I've gon someways. I don't know if its the ... better way or if this is the better road of choices that I've walked on - but I guess we'll never know. I'll just have thanks for the little blessings, like I haven't fallen too ill at all this year, I've suffered no trauma, I'm not bankrupt ...

What is the road not taken, when I already on the one. Paltry musings.

Bobbing for apples.
Is like Bobbing for sin for fun.
Well, not really coz an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

So my family and I await a death of an aunt. A family friend who's grown so close for many of us that she may as well be blood related. A good lifelong and dear friend to my late grandmother.

I hope all is well in heaven.
And that they've prepared a seat on the great celestial mah-jong table.

---

Reboot and Reloot

---- Spring --- Fall ---

Feels like I'm skipping seasons in my life.
Akin to the phrase ' Where has the year gone ', except its missing chunks and phases.
I know where the year has been, but there are large gaps in between.
Paragraphs of banality and inconsequence in the book of my life.

I can easily find the path of need for greed.
Its gets clearer with age. The need for money. How interconnected the currency binds us to the way of living. At least at this stage of my life.
I should write memoirs of turning 30 soon enough. If it wasn't done before already, I'd pen it into a book and sell it for money.
There it is again, money ...


Moving ...
From phase to phase, I feel a little up-lifted today. Surprising. no? What one days worth of rest at home.
I had an intense allergy attack on Monday and didn't go to work.
The hours spent reading, lying in bed, playing old computer games ... although the result wasn't evident, seems to have spirited me a but more today at work.

Continents
I was thinking of discussing with my family soon the event of my place in the country.
I keep thinking, I'm here to stay - for my brother, for family, for the obligations of a new car, work and hopefully a place of my own.
Or maybe ... if the discussion happens.
Make a place in Canada. I have family there after all, but its ... going to be weird I think to consider moving there if my parents and brother are here.
Don't I have to stay and help?
Its one of these silent struggles I'm tackling with now.
It would be easier for me to go there on my own (apply as a working individual).













Relationships
Yup, gonna swear them off for a bit.
Or awhile.
So I'm on the market for meaningless physical relationships now. Just something more primal - without ties, connections or string attached. Snap the strings of the marionette of commitment.
Yea ... I hope this'll work out for the coming year.

---

Prose

No man is a no mad.
No mad woman is furious.
Furious as the monthly flame.
Flame of a queen thats inside.
In side of the cold dish.
Cold dish is best served.
To no man.

Sucked Six Below

---

Lamentations
I've written of this before, I'm certain. But its comes to pass once again.
An dear aunt who's been treasured in my family for most of my remembered life is on her deathbed. Cancer is attacking the bones, I'm told.
At her age, there's little we can go but wait.

So there it is.
The Annual Death Toll is collected.
Every year, a relative passes on. And though I've said to myself and to others (and heard it from them too) - I am of that age where these things happen.
Well ... its not something can prepare for or look forward, much less guard against every time it happens.

How now, aging cow?

Connections
I'm pretty sure this state of mind will seep into most aspects of my life, of particular notice will be my work.
I'm on the verge of saying 'tough luck', but this sort of family thing gets to me all the time.

I always did wish as a kid I wasn't truly related by blood to anyone. All the better to detach or severe myself whenever I need to. I don't wish them ill or death, just a selfish ease for myself to get things by.

Its true
... what I've read about me. In some cosmic collection of Western and Eastern astrology - the Horse always needs the open (at least the opportunity or the window open), and the Fish cannot stay too long in one place or stagnant in doing so.
It applies mentally and emotionally, I guess.

To survive,need I move on? ... Escape?
It is braver to stand and fight or to choose to live another day?

Or is this simply a weird eventually of me turning 30 in a few months.

---

Prose

What kind of relation can I establish with the modern world if I can't figure out how to use modern day devices?
How disconnected can one be, in the world thats growing smaller digitally every new tech-savvy release?
I fear that one day, I will use a mouse and choke the poor rodent to death wondering why it squeaks when I click it, or linger in amazement at the size of the spider's nest to be able to build a world wide web for the layman to surf on.
I feel like that sometimes.
It's difficult being the only parrot with short term memory.
I will ponder on the fact as I continue working the phones.
I need this job, and its the only one I'm good at.
Employee of the month.
At the Microsoft Help Centre.

Snail on a couch

I feel you.

---

No, but yea, but no ... but yea.

Yes ... my brain, willpower, self-belief and passion feel like meat patties now, on a grill, on a fire, in a picnic, out for lunch.

Crap.









I'm of a sound mind (fettering to unsound soon enough) - that I should have taken a week off after the major workload in August.
I didn't.
And its catching up to me ... in parsecs.
Bit by bit.
Everyday now.
Until I take off. So ... just how do I explain this to my bosses? How does anyone ???

---

Flattering Flame to a Moth

-----

Change of heart
So I had a chat (to catch up on each other) with my ex, Josh / Lewis last night.

And I'm changing my perception. I mean, to say - perhaps I have all along, slowly and surely but I'm pretty sure he summed it up pretty well by example what my current leanings are.

Gay relationships, or rather the nature of them are not what they are ideally anymore. At least not in practise here. Its really no longer about monogamy (Asia), and the average gay man doesn't believe in the tenets of a binding relationship.
The closest is to have a boyfriend but still maintain lovers.
Or threesomes, or orgies, or explicit sex with strangers without your partner present (but knowing).

Is that what the new gay youth are growing to believe if current practise has anything to do with it.
Keep fucking, but hope for love meanwhile. .... sigh ...
There's no such thing as a gay relationship lasting beyond 5 years, it just isn't possible in Asia ... its a myth ...

Fact: Straight asian men are commonly having male-to-male sex but still identify as straight because they're just having 'gun' whilst still fulfilling duties to their marriage, wives and children.

So where does that leave me?

Given my current state of mind and affairs and the promise I made to myself.

Yea ... its time to break the fairy tale on its 'happily ever after'.







On the Side
I've offered to help out cute theatre student on his exam piece.
Should be fun. And I've yet to try and make-up for the lost make-out sessions.
It'll come ...

Work
I'm ... how to explain this?

Its like I'm mourning something at work. Every time I try to work, or begin to concentrate, things unravel and it becomes more of a chore than usual. Hence my commentary about my state of mind and situation. Perhaps I have made my own personal working environment unhealthy.
My hand at work did this.
I killed what little joy there was to enjoy work here at theatre.
Its the slacking, its the supposed depression, its the procrastination, its the slump, the rut, the molasses of productivity. slug slug slug
Is my personal life acerbating work?

I'm hoping I break out of this soon. Please.

Reading

Yes, I can't believe it and it was a surprise to me when it was released. White Wolf Publications has re-written the wonderful world of Changeling (the Dreaming to the Lost).
Its different enough that it know it as NOTHING to do with the older oWoD book.

But its just as entrancing, darker and bright at the same time. Beautiful Madness.

And I just acquired it.
Yes ....

---

Prose

Muster the cluster of Courage, said Knight to River,
Save the Princess in the face of the Moon.
For she fled with her lover, North wind too soon.
Before he gave his heart to her on a platter, of silver.

Such things be told, the stories of horror.
Of gutting oneself and beastly terror.
Radiant feeble hope is elusive.
Like the lessons passed from parent to child, abusive.