--------There's a strong desire to refresh.
To step back and take account for all the things that have come to pass. There's a fear holding me back as well. The monsters we left behind, the damning memories we intentionally left to be forgotten and worse still, the fact we will realize the parts of ourselves we always intended to hate.
So here I am.
Insti-gates
I'm going to re-evaluate my relationships.
Who are the people I surround myself with, who shape my life as I shape theirs. The perceptions, the outlook on life, the support. What gives, and what does not, and what takes ... too much or too little.
Do I stay true and loyal out of obligation, out of memory and childhood camaderie? Even if we are too far apart when standing back to back - what is there truly to hold on to?
Have I looked too far past those who could have been true friends to me, because I was too blindsided by bias and hearsay?
I ask now.
I am asking myself.
It'll take some time, perhaps. Maybe. It will take time. The rest of the year I give myself.
To be true.
Peace,
Serenity, Come unto me.
---
Prose
A heart wrapped in thorns as its often described.
Was my gift to the world.
As much a gift it was that was born unto me.
My words were never truer still
The gift of thorns around this heart.
The world owes us nothing
When we ask for much.
My aching black head is filled
With hate. the frozen scorn
Of the gift of thorns.
My mind has sunken into darkness
To where no saviour dare breach
The tears fall too slowly
Fill the cavern to swim above.
To the heart wrapped in thorns.
There's no forever,
to prolong this feeling.
There's no moment passing by, to save me.
Take this heart of mine,
this gift of thorns.
10 comments:
Good luck. Sounds like you've got some tough self-revelations to realise and decisions to make.
On a completely unrelated note, I had a dream about you last night. You'll be somewhat happy to know you looked pretty well-cut in it. Not buff, but trim. :P
We were kidding around and stuff and you sat on Jad's lap and freaked him out and then you ran off. Even my nephews climbing into his lap freaks him out, so its nothing terribly telling that you did too.
I've been thinking... Have you considered using the services of a counselor at all? I'd guess they're not as easy to come by or as affordable as they would be, say over here for example, but you've been through a lot and you obviously have a lot on your mind. It might be a good idea to get some professional help sorting things out. I don't know if you've been to one before but my friends here that have, highly recomend them. They're not like shrinks, that suck you in for life, they're just an outside party that will listen and provide some perspective on your problems. Even if you can't find a free or partially subsidised counselling service and you have to pay a bit for it, your mental health and well-being is worth it isn't it?
ok, one more comment and then I'll stop spamming your blog :P. Anasu is finishing her PhD in the field and I'd tell you to talk to her (for some free counseling :D ) cept she only gets back to KL in Dec. However she can recomend a couple of people if you want to give it a try. One is even in Subang. ok. I'm done and won't bring this up again unless you want me to.
I like that phrase a lot --- this gift of thorns. Beautiful. Please read this piece on Saturday. Gorgeous stuff.
hey, I know you have been hurting, feeling depress on the state of your past relationships and of your family's situation. But, do not let these setbacks wear you down, you have to believe positively that good things will come.
Even when you find a potential chance to have a relationship, do not be quick to push it away, fearing the "relationship curse". We all have doubts and fears, even I have fear that Brian and I will not be together forever. Insecurities is rampant, we just have to carry on.
I know these words have probably been told to you till the cows come home, but do keep your chin up. For your sake, happiness and sanity and everyone you hold dear too.
chat with u sometime then!
Rav’n
This probably deserves a whole blog of its own but – oh well –
Do I really sound that estranged (lol!) – or simply overly estranged for blogging in general? I was under the impression that all this literation of my thoughts was actually a good thing, like a journal of sorts. Even healthy, maybe?
Yea! That;s great for Anasu – greet her warmly and sat ‘Gratzi’ and all that jazz when you see her, from me!
And yes, I may be hesitant about the whole counselor thing, much as it would seem like a good idea even to me and I’m not opposed to it by any means, and I’m pretty sure its not because I don’t think I have a problem or nothing, I clearly do at times :D
But … maybe not isn’t the best time either. December seems reasonable but even then, I would not call on that month fore surety either.
And that’s a nice thought :D
Me, trim and well-cut (sigh)
I’ll just make sure I wear gloves the next time I sit on Jad :p
Kenny Mah
I shall see ... I'm trying to time things out so I won't go over the 15 minbute limit :(
And I already am planning on reading a draft of a monologue I'm writing.
Friggin'Dildo
Et tu, Brute?
Ha ha - do you think my blog's becoming too emo and stuff?
I guess most times its the context that matters.
And while yes, things are pretty much unsettling in its own time -I think I'm doing ok with it - stride and all considering.
I think .... :p
it your blog was becoming to emo.. then what is the point of writing it then? that is what a blog is all about. hmm, though lately, feels like you r pouring out more than usual, which is a good thing.
rather than keep everything bottle up, just let it out! scream, rant if you must!!
maybe they should rename half the blogs online as
EmBlogs
HAHA
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