That does it! Racing for time!

----

Fate
Okay – something has to had happened.
At least by now.

Is it that time of year again?

I’m gonna be quitting this city’s job in a couple of months, which experience had taught me anything can be over in a flash. Then the whole worry of where money would be coming in will begin to annoy me again.

So what do I have to lose when I’m making this next decision.

Nothing that I haven’t’ already had, considered, would have, risked already.
Besides buying a lottery ticket on my birthday and hoping I will strike RM 4 mil. Richie rich like this other dude from a couple years back who played for the first time.

Karma
So … here’s to whether the Piscean or the Equine will win out this Rodentia year. Or at least strike a mutual beneficial bargain!


Race
Yes … I will applying to the AXN Asia’s Amazing Race.
… if I can find an idiot who’s willing to take the risk with me.
That is if by the slimmest of chances we even make it to the final selection round. Chances are even if I make it to be one the 10 teams from Asia to compete, I’ll still be happy to be the first few eliminated – at least I got to see a few countries (LOL)!!! ... and you only turn 30 once.

Modelloid
And even though I’m not the biggest fan of his …
Be within touching distance of the physically hunky Allan Wu.
Hey, I may have little respect for him (since I don’t know him) – but DAMN! He’s a hottie McHottie Hunk! And that goes especially to what seems to be his intelligent gait and demeanor. That’s turns me on!
_ sigh _ which is why I try to avoid guys like him … coz I know I’ll make all the wrong decisions if I got anyone like him.

Grief
But enough about that – I have issues.









Sic.
Kinda feeling turquoise all over, not quite green with envy.
Knowing so many people doing stuff I wish I could and hen mildly feeling flaked over cause I wasn’t part of it by proxy of being their ‘assumed’ friend.
I guess that reminds me of how much of an acquaintance I’ve been to anybody I meet most of the time.
Or I don’t fit the glamour-kin profile. (( sigh ))

Closing Time
I've barely saved what I wanted to save this month even though I've cut on expenses and half my lunches (by D'oh, not eating) and eating at home and not out.
Hating it.

---

Celebs Passing By

---

Quiet on the front.

Although I got wind of the news of Heath's (ledger) passing early on - I got informed through a news feed through an artists gallery forum I'm part of, - I believe I was more stunned by another celebrity passing the week before.

But in proper order first;

Brad Renfro - July 25, 1982 – January 15, 2008 (aged 25)

Heath Ledger - April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008 (aged 28)

---

Both promising.
Both found dead in their homes, in their bed ... on a tuesday.
Both suspected cause of death by drugs (abuse, overdose, accidental) Tox reports are only only released in public 6 - 8 weeks after. Autopsies begin around 2 - 4 days after discovery. Kind of - i may be inaccurate about this.

Renfro seemed to be the more tragic (life, acting discovery and circumstance) to me - but its in the past now, so I won't ponder about it.
'The Cure' was one of my favourite movies of his, altho' 'The Client' was really his breakthrough performance. Picked up from the streets for auditions, he was, ya know :D

Just a journal post to mention this thats all.

---

Arden of Shakespearo

---
Gasp!

Read on GUComics.com

" For a few months now the Zapper has been without zappees, but here at the beginning of the year it's really been cranked up. Yesterday, I had to decide whether to do a comic about Star Trek Online, or about the subject of today's comic "Arden: The World of William Shakespeare".

Arden is an MMO set in the 1600s featuring characters, surprisingly enough given the full title, from the works of the great bard. Edward Castronova, an associate professor of telecommunications and the creator of the game, "abadonned" the project and released it to the public as is. The game was funded by a $250,000 MacArthur Foundation grant and was meant to study economic theories. Castronov's reason for discontinuing development was simply "It's no fun".
Source: Technology Review [ more info ]

Now, it's an interesting idea for an MMO. And despite being meant to study economical theory it'll probably would have served as a great teaching tool or a study aid. But as Castronova admits himself, you need a bit more challenge to keep gamers engaged, if you're shooting to contend with some of the other huge MMOGs on the market.

The idea of making and MMO set within the works of a famous literature is an interesting one. Hopefully, Arden serves as a leaping point for other developers to attemp it and not as an example of "why it won't work"."

NOW THAT would have been an INTeresting MMO!!!
---

... I think I can ...

-----

Games
This review pretty much sums up the update. And I was looking forward to either ... sort of.

" In recent months Perpetual Entertainment (Now called P2 Entertainment) has abandonned Gods & Heroes (despite being near completion), liquidated their assets, became embroiled in a legal battle with their PR firm Kohnke, and have now decided not to continue development on the much anticipated MMO Star Trek Online.
Source: Destructoid [ more info ]

Our pals at WarCry are reporting that the license and content for the game have been passed on to another developer, the code however has not. [ more info ] Now, I'm not an MMO developer myself, but it would seem to me that sets the project back significantly. And where that doesn't exactly mean the game has been zapped, for the time being it might as well be. " - GUComics.com

and from the Official website. Related news on the front

"BioWare Corp. Licenses Perpetual Entertainment's Online Technology Platform for Upcoming MMO Game June 28, 2007 - BioWare's Austin studio has licensed Perpetual's online technology platform for an upcoming Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) title. The agreement gives BioWare - the company best known for their award-winning Baldur's Gate™ and Neverwinter Nights™ series, as well as the 2003 Game of the Year, Star Wars®: Knights of the Old Republic™ - the platform to deploy and support its online titles utilizing Perpetual's industry-leading technology for online game operations, deployment, infrastructure development, and community support." - http://www.perpetual.com/

I'll just have to wait and see now ...

---

Cosmic

Horror-scopes
Seriously. my Chinese horse sign bodes slightly ill fated for the year, and the Western fish sign is optimistic at best. Both the Yin / Yang - Eastern / Western embodiments of my fate in the stars and planets always clash every year.
Stuck between blessed good fortune and hellspawn pits of despair.
I'm never gonna get anywhere with this now, am I?

Altho' both say its a decent chance of meeting someone special this year if I'm single - wait for it, there's a catch. .... even if its going to be a short relationship. Iffy on the job front.

GAKKKKHHH!!!

Lust
I'm very tempted to engage in anynomous sexual encounters all readily available on the net, rampant in the city and the niches of gay KL / PJ.
Tempted. Even if my head knows better ... yes, the one on my neck.

Reset
My mode is on.
Cleared up cluttering emails, in 2 very messy accounts. Not sure if I'm able to recover the Yahoo ones. Those may be lost causes by now.
Including my one special Art Acct, which is linked on the side anyways.

Books
...and I've picked up reading again ... (shhhhhh)

---

Cylon-ic Space Ic-on

---

Catching up
... with movies! I've yet to see Brokeback Mountain.
Even after hearing so much about it, reading the reviews and all the grateful things its done for some rural individuals who couldn't connect or identify to their feelings out in the sparse prairesque landscape. Sort of inspiring for its time.
And its about time I resolve to watch it.

Reset Button
After hearing someone talk about Sailor Moon (him being an avid fan, I have a feeling I only got the tip of the iceberg rundown in that half hour), I can't help but wonder if we could all use a 'reset' button like ... Sailor Saturn.
She's considered rather unremarkable in terms of Sailor powers but she has this one thing, this ability, this force to completely annihilate the galaxy so that Sailor Moon may rebuild it.
I sometimes daydream if I had a way to completely reset my entire life to another existence.
Another birth, another country, another way.
To start from a clean slate.

Like so many who wish the same thing, even for a second no matter what state of lie you're in. Its an almost morbid curiousity to wonder what it would have been like, which pretty much means wondering what its like to completely and utterly let go of your current life.
If I had a reset button, I guess I would trade it for the world.

Then reset.

Tempted much
Like Chocolate. I want to be terrifyingly vapid knowing that too much could kill me. But like chocolate, in small doses it good for the heart ... and soul.

Budget
Fire and Stinkin' Rain! I hate this like Budgies hate snakes.
Trying to save enough to pay any annual fee's that will pop up in the middle of the year. Which will pop up no doubt and I better have some ready cash.

Gym
Been whining about it forever. Have to take in account of time, location and budget. Although as an alternative, there's probably loads of yummy guys, I've a feeling it'd be more stress-reliving than window-watching. Or ... both, it don't have to be mutually exclusive I suppose.

Argh!

Reviews
'In the name of the King' was rated lower than 'Gigli' internationally. Well to sources, like 'metacritic' and r'ottentomatoes'.
Now I HAVE to watch it.
'Jarum Halus' has a bunch of acquaintances I know. Guess I'd be curious to watch that.
Next month.

Chinese New year
Yes yes ... its coming.
Which means more to spend in coming preparation - oh groan!
And every year it seems to grow smaller and smaller, less grandiose for me. I'm not sure its a perspective thing, like how everythings bigger as a kid.
Maybe its because its more conservative budgets now, as the country seems to be metaphorically sinking into a mild economic recession. Inch by inch, every year, slowly. As prices go up EVERYWHERE except for my paycheque.
Families are growing smaller too with each passing death.
it'll pick up again I suppose, as my cousins are all getting pregnant and giving birth over the last 2 years or so.

So the cycle begins again.

Reset.
---

Art, come back to me.

Shell - phone - home

---

Food Critique
Dammit! I did it again, I ate (slightly) spicy Malay food. Well, everything was kind spicy so there was choice, but not 'non-spicy' ones.
Looks like the tummy's gettin' all old on me too.

Trailers
'Cloverfield' looks interesting. Read the synopsis / spoiler. Reads fun, looks like a couple fun looking guys in it too.
There's goes RM 10 - 14 depending on where I watch it (excluding parking costs).

Music
So far RadioBlogSpot has been really fun to introduce me to bands, artistes I've never heard but seem really cool!
All I do is type in roughly whatever artiste I wanna hear (eg. frente, pink, chevelle) and at random choose one son that links me to a HUGE personalised album of another person which includes artists and songs I haven't heard of before but most sound realllllly COOL!
i.e. I've found some nice tyler hilton duets, mylene farmer, dandy wharhols, musical la roi soleil, etc ...
Yea for other people's albums which are random to me!

Sex
I'm fluctuating between 'Whatever, I can do with for none for awhile' - 'Gah! I'm so horny, I wonder how many times a day I can whack off!'.
Its pathetic.

Pattern
Trying ... mucho TRYING to catch up on work at work. So far ... I'm catching up, which is ALREADY GOOD !!!
Now we'll see how long this stretch will last.

Gaming Geek Update
Still hoping when Neverwinter Nights 2 : GOLD (hopefully includes the Mask of Betrayer expansion) comes out, it won't kill my computer.
Not to mention - March 2008 when Age of Conan MMORPG too which I'm been following up on for 2 years now since I quite WoW.

4Th Ed. DnD will just have to wait ... bah!

I must try and ignite / refuel my passion for gaming. I think its been in a slump as well.
Art and Gaming used to go hand in hand as I visualised everything in my head and was tempted to draw it all out.

If anything goes full circle this year, please let it be that.
Art & Gaming.

---

Granulais

Grains of sand
---

Test

Let's see how many people read my blog (Lollerskates!)

Work

I'm preparing to leave after my one year here.
I've ... thought a bit about it, and I've realized with me, I get over-involved sometimes, much the othe exclusion to everything else.

Life

I've not drawn or illustrated anything since I began this stretch of work which makes it ... ONE YEAR!
So it seems if I were to focus - its as if, the rest of my life dissolves away into a blur.
Now I want to get back into the ring of sorts and start doing .... something personal, which means, my work has currently suffered as of late.

Barring personal issues (family and related) - I'm trying to wonder whether I can do something it this year.

Shit! I almost hate myself (and of all times, when I'm close to hitting 30).
I get involved in one thing and the rest start to fal apart, then when I try and "Buck Up", "Catch up" or whatever ... things start to flounder as Murphy's La oft states 'If something can go wrong, it WILL go wrong".

So where does that leave me.

Hopefully
- Working closer to home
- Less time travelling, more time for myself and my art
- Less expenses on travel, more to meet up with friends and track acquaintances

At least, thats what I'm crossing my fingers for.

---

[L]ucky D:ucky Cr'zy

I don't chat

---

Chatter*box*

At least not of the online variety. Something about it twinges on the borders of Scary and Impersonal for me. Maybe its sheer voluminous potential to misread, misconstrue my words because intention is ill-dressed and nuances are barely conveyed in simple written hastily constructed sentences meant to mimic actual conversation.

In an email, there is more forethought and proper construction and consideration for the text. In letter-writing more so, especially since the handwriting lends more character, depth and in-between lines subtlety.
In a conversation, we have body language, pauses to gauge discomfort, inflection and tone.
In the mad hashed-up world of online chatting which coalescences conversational writing at its worst ... everything can do wrong.

I used to get every chat programme thinking I could just get into the vibe of connections with acquaintances in the faint hope of making a tonnage of friends (acquaintances) ... I don't anymore.
They lie idle ... and I've pretty much forgotten my first ICQ number. Although I'd probably recognize if I were to see the sequence of numbers again.

Call me moldy that way.

I do however, SMS, MMS stuff. But if it turns conversational with more than 3 text exchanges between us - I dial in the number.
If you're free enough to text that much, I figure - you're free enough for a phone conversation.

---

M:ink

The show Miami Ink is starting to grow on me.
It gets into a droning pattern like most shows after awhile, but since I'm only catching it occasionally when I remember to turn on the TV, its still fun!
I can see why too much of it can get horribly depressing but me likes the art!

---

Drudgery

Oh yes ... its starting to settle in.
At work.
It the same all over the years. I'd loathe to admit it but it happens. Maybe I'm just not cut out for a desk job.
I ... never mind.
I suppose many people have seen it in different ways, this pattern of mine.
Wants Change of Creative environment (shifting) - Quits too soon and at everythingn
Needs Constant Stimuli - Lack of endurance and drive (and ambition while we're there)

Pro's and Con's, darkness and light.

So its strange that in the last few weeks, I've been described as 'hard-working' when for others I've been 'demotivated' and 'lazy'.
I admit to both at this juncture.
I feel great in short bursts of work which is probably why I love freelance work (as long as I can get more of them, enough to supplement an actual income).
And I also feel better if it were or someone else.

Let me try to explain it to myself in written word. The best time I've felt doing design or creative work was when I knew I was doing it for someone else that didn't hire me. Like when helping out a friend or contributing to someone else's work. Lack of self entitlement to the piece but knowing I got to contribute to the whole makes me feel tingly.
Its the secret knowledge in knowing, I helped. Love joint projects and collaborations.
Those times gave me joy in solace.
... and then I move on.

Not the most practical I know, and if nothing else sounds totally matyrdomic (if there were a word to describe it) and nomadic in a sense.

---

Mobility

Crave.
Like people need options. Do we want options or do we need them? I feel that we say we want options even if we always choose or do the same thing over and over again. Like picking a bad boyfriend. The options give us comfort whether bad or good.
I don't go deeper than that because I'm trying to behave and not supra-analyze so much this year.
Its strange to be curious and practicing acceptance on so many levels but end up analytical over it anyways.

---

Pointy end

So where does that leave me 53 days away from thirty.
Knowing that I do best in impermanence, a dangerous state for anybody. Although I am reminded there is consistency even in inconsistency but thats digressing.

Who? is willing to put up with this wanky behavior in a relationship
Where? am I headed
What? am I to do
How? did I get here
Why? is it important

---

Because I cannot remember and forget

I don't know where to begin.

Guess that means, its as good as anywhere.

Happy New Year: 2008.
Let's hope it gets better with age.

---

I don't know how many 'fresh' starts one can take before it become stale upstarts. I feel like I'm recycling moldy bread everytime I console myself. not sure how to explain things less than metaphoric right now.

I feel like I'm making decisions in the dark. Blind and unthinking, nervous and almost uncaring with everything bound and stapled under the folder named 'Responsibility'. Nothing makes enough sense to follow through.

My place in the grand scheme of gets myopic and worse.
And the idealized pressure to be 30 and an asian guy places me in a position to 'become'.
Become more established in my career, my job, my livelihood.
Become steady on the road to some financial stability in light of aged adulthood.
Become less frivolous about life, having dreamt and sweated it out in the 20s.
Become sure in love.
Become independant.
Become everything I'm suppose to.

If I met myself a few years ago right now, I'd call me a hypocrite.
Which is odd, considering I've worked hard for my formative years consciously trying to remove as much hypocrisy from my truths.
Too old to take chances, because I don't pass the acceptable and stated 'terms and conditions age requirement'.

I've taken a sad trip into myself, wondering if I'm only there to visit, knowing I've lost my exit pass. The weather is terse, humid and taut all at once. Allow some clarity, some lucid insight. Layman-wise.

---

I'm coming to a year in this theatre house.
1 year already. the 4 th of April being D-day.
Its part of my password at work. A reminder of how long I've stuck it through.
Nothing to hate to work here, but its costing far too much to work here and expenses have a funny way of working like termites in a wood mill.

Its also times like this, my mind retreats to fins solace in memories that can only bring comfort as I remind myself, noting can being me back to change my decisions in the past.
David.
I'm the age he met me some 10 years ago.
I don't know if I think any differently about things between us but there wasn't much chance was there. Thats the most punishing things about memories, they can't age. They can fade and die forgotten but when you see them ... they never age and it creates his haunt in your heart. It inspires, amuses, and horrifies you in every way it can.
The torment of remembering immortality.
Lordy lord, I miss the guy.
I miss ... the possibility.

---

I've yet learnt to cook gourmet meals or follow a cookbook.
I've yet learnt to speak in sign (language) again.
I've yet learnt to be free and abandoned with romance.
I've yet to become.
Become free-willed.
Become bound by fate.
Become content with being caught in between.

At this rate, I'm never going to be able to ... damn it, I forgot what I was about to type.
Signs of aging I hear (and I jest less casual and more sober than before).

Now, let's stop here for today.
Yes, I need more frequent stops for rest now, in between life, to prepare for life.
And let's just hope ... the next time I get up, I'm going somewhere.

---

Prose

Living in panic with a glass eye and a glass jaw.
Allergic to punches.
Cheating at pool with two red balloons.
No happy true truth but the lies you tell yourself.