[L]ucky D:ucky Cr'zy

I don't chat

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Chatter*box*

At least not of the online variety. Something about it twinges on the borders of Scary and Impersonal for me. Maybe its sheer voluminous potential to misread, misconstrue my words because intention is ill-dressed and nuances are barely conveyed in simple written hastily constructed sentences meant to mimic actual conversation.

In an email, there is more forethought and proper construction and consideration for the text. In letter-writing more so, especially since the handwriting lends more character, depth and in-between lines subtlety.
In a conversation, we have body language, pauses to gauge discomfort, inflection and tone.
In the mad hashed-up world of online chatting which coalescences conversational writing at its worst ... everything can do wrong.

I used to get every chat programme thinking I could just get into the vibe of connections with acquaintances in the faint hope of making a tonnage of friends (acquaintances) ... I don't anymore.
They lie idle ... and I've pretty much forgotten my first ICQ number. Although I'd probably recognize if I were to see the sequence of numbers again.

Call me moldy that way.

I do however, SMS, MMS stuff. But if it turns conversational with more than 3 text exchanges between us - I dial in the number.
If you're free enough to text that much, I figure - you're free enough for a phone conversation.

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M:ink

The show Miami Ink is starting to grow on me.
It gets into a droning pattern like most shows after awhile, but since I'm only catching it occasionally when I remember to turn on the TV, its still fun!
I can see why too much of it can get horribly depressing but me likes the art!

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Drudgery

Oh yes ... its starting to settle in.
At work.
It the same all over the years. I'd loathe to admit it but it happens. Maybe I'm just not cut out for a desk job.
I ... never mind.
I suppose many people have seen it in different ways, this pattern of mine.
Wants Change of Creative environment (shifting) - Quits too soon and at everythingn
Needs Constant Stimuli - Lack of endurance and drive (and ambition while we're there)

Pro's and Con's, darkness and light.

So its strange that in the last few weeks, I've been described as 'hard-working' when for others I've been 'demotivated' and 'lazy'.
I admit to both at this juncture.
I feel great in short bursts of work which is probably why I love freelance work (as long as I can get more of them, enough to supplement an actual income).
And I also feel better if it were or someone else.

Let me try to explain it to myself in written word. The best time I've felt doing design or creative work was when I knew I was doing it for someone else that didn't hire me. Like when helping out a friend or contributing to someone else's work. Lack of self entitlement to the piece but knowing I got to contribute to the whole makes me feel tingly.
Its the secret knowledge in knowing, I helped. Love joint projects and collaborations.
Those times gave me joy in solace.
... and then I move on.

Not the most practical I know, and if nothing else sounds totally matyrdomic (if there were a word to describe it) and nomadic in a sense.

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Mobility

Crave.
Like people need options. Do we want options or do we need them? I feel that we say we want options even if we always choose or do the same thing over and over again. Like picking a bad boyfriend. The options give us comfort whether bad or good.
I don't go deeper than that because I'm trying to behave and not supra-analyze so much this year.
Its strange to be curious and practicing acceptance on so many levels but end up analytical over it anyways.

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Pointy end

So where does that leave me 53 days away from thirty.
Knowing that I do best in impermanence, a dangerous state for anybody. Although I am reminded there is consistency even in inconsistency but thats digressing.

Who? is willing to put up with this wanky behavior in a relationship
Where? am I headed
What? am I to do
How? did I get here
Why? is it important

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