Guess that means, its as good as anywhere.
Happy New Year: 2008.
Let's hope it gets better with age.
---
I don't know how many 'fresh' starts one can take before it become stale upstarts. I feel like I'm recycling moldy bread everytime I console myself. not sure how to explain things less than metaphoric right now.
I feel like I'm making decisions in the dark. Blind and unthinking, nervous and almost uncaring with everything bound and stapled under the folder named 'Responsibility'. Nothing makes enough sense to follow through.
My place in the grand scheme of gets myopic and worse.
And the idealized pressure to be 30 and an asian guy places me in a position to 'become'.
Become more established in my career, my job, my livelihood.
Become steady on the road to some financial stability in light of aged adulthood.
Become less frivolous about life, having dreamt and sweated it out in the 20s.
Become sure in love.
Become independant.
Become everything I'm suppose to.
If I met myself a few years ago right now, I'd call me a hypocrite.
Which is odd, considering I've worked hard for my formative years consciously trying to remove as much hypocrisy from my truths.
Too old to take chances, because I don't pass the acceptable and stated 'terms and conditions age requirement'.
I've taken a sad trip into myself, wondering if I'm only there to visit, knowing I've lost my exit pass. The weather is terse, humid and taut all at once. Allow some clarity, some lucid insight. Layman-wise.
---
I'm coming to a year in this theatre house.
1 year already. the 4 th of April being D-day.
Its part of my password at work. A reminder of how long I've stuck it through.
Nothing to hate to work here, but its costing far too much to work here and expenses have a funny way of working like termites in a wood mill.
Its also times like this, my mind retreats to fins solace in memories that can only bring comfort as I remind myself, noting can being me back to change my decisions in the past.
David.
I'm the age he met me some 10 years ago.
I don't know if I think any differently about things between us but there wasn't much chance was there. Thats the most punishing things about memories, they can't age. They can fade and die forgotten but when you see them ... they never age and it creates his haunt in your heart. It inspires, amuses, and horrifies you in every way it can.
The torment of remembering immortality.
Lordy lord, I miss the guy.
I miss ... the possibility.
---
I've yet learnt to cook gourmet meals or follow a cookbook.
I've yet learnt to speak in sign (language) again.
I've yet learnt to be free and abandoned with romance.
I've yet to become.
Become free-willed.
Become bound by fate.
Become content with being caught in between.
At this rate, I'm never going to be able to ... damn it, I forgot what I was about to type.
Signs of aging I hear (and I jest less casual and more sober than before).
Now, let's stop here for today.
Yes, I need more frequent stops for rest now, in between life, to prepare for life.
And let's just hope ... the next time I get up, I'm going somewhere.
---
Prose
Living in panic with a glass eye and a glass jaw.
Allergic to punches.
Cheating at pool with two red balloons.
No happy true truth but the lies you tell yourself.
4 comments:
"I've yet to become."
O bro, why do we have to be anything? If nothing else, I'm gonna spend most of '08 unlearning the thought that I have to be anything other than myself and being happy with that.
(Of course, in a year's time, when I turn 30, we might well find me singing a similar tune...)
You know, aside from the fact you are one of the most fun people to gossip with, one of the reasons why I love you is because you are frank and honest. You work hard. Where there are gaps, you fill them. Your work is powerful because of this. And you take from the experiences of your life and distill them into amazing stories, characters. I have no doubt that it's only a matter of time before you find yourself in your element again. *Hugs* Happy new year.
regrets are a plenty, that is sure. But, as long as you have conviction and the belief that YES..BLOODY GOOD THINGS WILL COME YOUR WAY...AS I Do, then...you have at least begun to pave the road towards personal happiness!
Don't suck on too many bitter pills...it will only life worse!
KennyMah
We become something whether we like it or not. Even being yourself is becoming. :D
And if you do sing the same song when you at in your thirty-esque thoughts, you’d be in a a worldwide choir. I hear the membership perks are fabulous but the premium is a horror.
Sharanya
Thank you for the kind, warm words (hugs).
Elements change and shift, this I know from experience, I’m just hoping it doesn’t rob me of opportunity and changing tides often do to their victims :p
Friggindildo
Yes, stringing along that happy thought.
Having to belief that there are always better things waiting for us to discover them. Taking comfort there’s a giant tally somewhere taking into account tragedy and suffering and repaying debts as is.
Besides … I thought I was good at sucking :(
☹
Post a Comment