Two for one special!

-----------------------

Smooches
So far, the latest torments and delights have been kisses.
One one hand, it niggles at my thought, the light peck on the lips my Ex gave me unexpectedly, leaves on the shifting breeze on the hairs on the back of my hand. A phantom token of the past.
And on the other, the mischievous wanting of contact between lips of a new living breathing person and my long forgotten parched lips.
Fuck ...
No wait, thats good too.
Damn.

Home and Hurt
Had another ... of many arguments with the paternal adult of the home. As usual, its about my job and his dissatisfaction about my choices in life, finances and all thing under the sun. moon and stars. Its best if he handles it, but he can't abide by leaving me to my own devices at 29 lest I screw it up ... he the threatens so if I screw up. ... and I shouldn't give him lip; do as i say but not as I do.

Riiiiiiightttttt .....

Drove along rather aimlessly tonight, screaming songs to the radio and singing along at the top of my lungs.
Therapeutic.

Theatre
Second readings went well enough. I gave my input, I plied my words. Time to commit to memory my mad-riddled parts and dialogue. and yes, one of them is mad-ridden, I lie not to you. I think they find it funny, for some strange reason., when I read it.
But I worry about detracting from the poignant message of the piece carried by other characters. Director's dilemma, I suppose.
Its funny to be in my own little 10 minute script. To act as one of my characters, I feel limited because I've explored it as I write and construct his life. Although to be fair, nobody else knows what range of quirks, characters and words have been tried, trained and thrown before the final words are written - so to them, all experimentation and interpretation I show, is pretty brand spanking new anyways.
Ah well .... fools, all of them.

Pandering aloud
I wonder, if the guys of whom I write about read this and know that I speak hesitantly of my feelings, and actions towards them - would it change things? .... Nah, I'd gladly tell them all this anyways, given the chance, time and opportunity. Probably not as eloquently because I'd lack the written tact and ability to use a back/erase key to redo words that I spake.


Is it bad, I feel like simultaneously giving and receiving a blowjob now ...
---

So the poison does work.

--------

The Apple Incident
Dont you want to take a bite of both sides of the apple, just to see if you're missing anything. Its so glaringly obvious, white side, red side - but you wanna bite BOTH sides! .... even if you know better.

Rehearsals
I'm rather ambivalent about the roles I've been alloted, but its still good. I can work with that. I'd probably say the same thing with whatever roles I get anyways, altho' if I were to have one say ... (don't I always) ... I am hesitant playing a part in my own play.
I mean, everyone's their own worst critic and i'd be no different since I'm in my OWN script.

Supper
So yea, I went out with theatre guy, see how easy it is to say theatre guy? Out for a late supper, like a late drink at the mamak only I wanted to eat supper and he just had a drink. We chatted and talked about theatre, his interests and passions: decent sparkling conversation with a cute guy. No complaints.
Except for the almost kiss
Dont'cha just hate the almost kiss
The leaning, eyes on the verge of closing. The lock, the load and the slow eventuality of touching
"not in front of my house..."
LOL! The hilarity ensues, in retrospect - its utterly and disastrously hilarious!
... and it leaves you wanting more for next time.

Doldrums
Yea, still having some art and job related doldrums. The slow sinking sand vortex kind where you're lazy to swim out coz you think you're fucked anyways.

---

PS: ToS'ers threw me and Branavan (blog on the sideroll) - a birthday cake / some ice-creamy, cheesecake mountain / after rehearsals. Thanks ... first b'day cake i've had with my name on it in ... years ... a decade or longer.

Wits End and back again

-------

Burnt out.
I'm not really giving up on the notion I could meet someone whom I like and actually likes me back ... coz if I did - I know I'd end up with someone I really don't want to be with just coz I could but that wouldn't be fair to him at all.
Probably to me, as well.

Barring the extenuating circumstance that kept a few before from any chance of pursuing further exploration based on external factors (or perhaps well crafted excuses to cease all contact with me; but let's stay positive, ok?), I think I've gone beyond the point of asking ...
whats wrong with me?

While we could all use personal self exploration, improvement and growth, I really don't think there's anything socially/romantically aversive anymore. Yes, I could use a bigger, firmer pecs and outstanding six-abs but I'm still pretty happy with that I have.
My persona - so far I've not made my circle of friends cringe whenever I speak or appear. And I know if anyone is to be attracted to me, its those qualities he'll be attracted to and not some other imaginary change is isn't who I am; no pretense.

Karma much?
So ... maybe fate hates me.
This is giving credit to the fact that this existential concept has a notion of emotion. That it, he or she does pick favourites and would explain why life is unfair, and other much more fortunate in general. As far I'm as I'm concerned, fortune does not favour the brave - its favours whoever it likes ...

Some priorities work for others, and I could always adopt it and be much more content about my place in life now; but I know it wouldn't work for me. I've tried, several, others, none really work. I couldn't get into the groove of priorities that just didn't work for me.

And so I rant.

Damned if I know whether this blog thing is therapeutic. I know its the fastest most public journal/diary entry in the world. but frankly - I have absolutely nbo qualms about people shatting all over my opinions anyways. Fate has that kind of perverse humour streak.

Living
I'm thinking of moving to KL.
Other job opportunities, other men, other life.
... maybe ...

---

Yea: Took the test 3 times, same answer. Oer ...
---

You scored as Otherkin. You are Otherkin. You identify with otherworldy beings and feel you are truly something other than human. You are only biding your time here until you can return to where you truly belong. You seek others who share your yearnings and spend your time commiserating with those you like and mocking the ones you don't. Otherkin 85% White Lighter 80% True Alternative 70% Spiritualist 60% Discordian 55% Mystic 55% Aimless Eclectic 40% Magician 30% What Subversive Alternative Paradigm Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Ok, I went all out extreme in my answers now! (basically all my choices are based on if I never get caught or convicted for crime and punishment).

You scored as Discordian. You are a Discordian! That makes you a real oddball, and this is a fact in which you take great pride! Everything is funny, and really, who cares anyway? Synchronicity is the Great Cosmic Comedy, and meaning is where you find it! Have you hugged your paradigm today?

---

Ok, its worse.

Happy Day Out

-----------------------

Let the pampering begin ...

Yea, thats what I did. It was a splurge of the I-really-shouldn't-but-i-want-to kind. It started off as a ... let's meet after lunch kinda deal with my good friend Vince.
Old, friend - have been for almost 10 years now an my fellow accomplice for my wild schemes.
So I said, I'll come by and we'll do a drink ... after lunch ... and maybe a drive ... and then we'll see ... coz we're bored ....

In the end, we had a nice afternoon walk and window shipping at Chinatown-which neither of us has been to or seen for some time now. Then dropped by to where my ex currently works as a Men's specialty Spa and Massage centre| Senjakala. Paid about 170 RM for a fantastic, all relaxing- definitely worth every penny, Tantric 90 minute massage and 1/2 hour ginger and salt (from the dead sea) scrub down; and finished of with watching my ex theatre co-star Farah and director Helena's '6 characters looking for a author' play which I'd had promise to see at some point of time.

Good day,
And my skin feels silky smooth and clean. Everything i wear feels like silk ...

So worth it!

Routine
I so HAVE to do this every few months now. I've spoily myself for good spa treatment and relaxation. Plus its a great way to unwind and catch up with an old friend now and then.


Complication
What one day without drama ... BORING!
Before i left, me ex gave me a quick kiss ... on the lips.
I don't want to over analyze this or jump to conclusions (I've been so tempted to get back with him in the past but I've stayed true on course so far and steadfast), so I'll take it as a birthday kiss of something.
Coz to me, kisses aren't just casual. Its a very real, tangible expression of emotion.
So there ... he was just being nice ...
I can live with that.
---

Ellipses by ...

-------------------

SEX: Is that what its all about?
Realistically, honestly, brutally - yes. But not in its entirety. Its really simple but in context to anything and everything else in life, utterly complicated and elusively difficult to put a finger as to why ...

Perhaps, its like a beat. A primal basic beat, which is great and could subsists primarily as a good drumline melody of sorts; but pales solo when supplemented by melody and chords and harmony. Even the nicest melodies plays strong and magnanimous with the right beat.

Gosh! Enough with the musical metaphors!

Yea, I'm still trying to figure things out.
My mild infatuation is sloughing over nicely I think. Perhaps its just pleasant to be in good graces and company (not that I don't have great friends, but you know what i mean) of a good looking guy who's ALSO intelligent, has a sense of humour, passionate and curious.

Art
I think I'm improving, although sometimes the popular consensus on some images I post surprise me. Some doodads doodles get more attention than the more painstaking ones. its one of the quirks of life, eh?

Theres a nice performance writing and poetry workshop coming up soon - but I may have to miss the 1st day (of2 days) coz I won't be able to leave work and make it there on time. (( sad sad face ))
The last time British Council arranged this, I loved the workshop.
Perhaps, its not meant this time around.

Friends and Stuff
Dynamics are beginning to change, are pretty soon it seems between some of my friendships; and I can't say if its for the better or not. We'll have to see, but I won't hold me breath. If anything else, my recent infatuations have taught me that much.

Romance
Who knew, thats the last 2 guys in the last 5 months thats I really liked both fizzled.
Perhaps, I'll write about the other one another time - yea, he moved to Melaka and its wouldn't; the whole across cities thing, work out. Especially since we've only met a couple of times. Nothing serious, just ... disappointed it couldn't be explored.

Chances
I still want to try for Amazing Race since competitions are slowly getting out of my league as I approach the 30s age bracket.
There's also the UK drama exchange program, CloudBreak. A grueling series of auditions to follow, but what the hey - what else do I have to look forward to.

---

Forlorn is choice and her sister, expectation

---------------

[b]Heartbroken, perhaps?[/b]
Nah, just once again hopes dashed. I meet few guys as it is nowadays and fewer still are those which I find attractive (which are also single and GAY!).

The last object of affection: well - the totally good news, is that he was forthright honest and direct with me - which I appreciate coz it saves us all time and trouble and allows faster resolution of the situation at hand ... yea, well, he doesn't believe in relationships, while I do. )he rather stick with his friends and activity partners for now) ... me? I'm better as a one guy sort of person.


[i]There goes one more ...[/i]
But its all good too, we can probably still hang as friends barring any romantic notions, unless its purely sexual and self gratifying -'friends with benefits'- perhaps sort of way.

Which I may not be into.

But we'll hang.

I mean, I could always use one more cute friend.


Now I'll go bury my head in a hole somewhere.
---

No more, no less

----------

Letting go
Yea, gotta play it cool, and not let it bother it. Practise becomes habit. Habit becomes character, and so on ...
I'll just leave him be for awhile and refrain from trying to contact him or meeting him. After all, he's having exams too, no? Perhaps I'll see what I'll feel like about the whole issue by next week without resorting to thoughts of hooking up and dating. Yea ... I'll do that.
Right ...
Ok ...
...

Work
Back to the drudgery of work tomorrow - unlike some other companies with the luxury of one weeks worth of CNY holidays. (subtle complaint :p)

... Play
I wish ... I think more than sex, is I'm missing the sensual physical interaction between myself and another guy. A hug thats a little longer than friendly and shorter than comforting. A simple flicker of skin contact, a gesture that suggests and tells ... without getting into the game, but still romantic in a very visceral way ...

- sigh -

... and we'll always have these questions, won't we.
---

oh yea: as requested - here's a shameless plug ! --- >

Terms of Obsession: The Wild Red Pig

-----------

Obsessing

Oh, I think a lot of people are good at this. Even by another name "consistent" - its sometimes called or perhaps "determined", "focus" or "tenacious" ...
Very fine lines, definitions and borders to cross over there.

I need me some guy on guy action soon. I SWEAR!!!

On the other hand.
Chinese New year is relatively quiet this year.
Not so much on the celebratory side, especially on the ang pow coz visiting in on the minimal and all my grand-parents are passed on. Its seems more ... reflective. Maybe its age ... Ugh. Damn reminders.

Movie
Yea! a couple of weeks back, I was got a call to help out my old producer (play: The Shape of Things) Kenny Gan with a movie he was making. A small indie-esque movie, made by director Chin Yew. I think it was an entry for the BMW amateur video awards or something, tho' I doubt all (35 i found out) entries are entirely amateur from what I hear ... damn under the line professionals!
Its called "a+b=c". and its DONE!
It was fun helping out! Wonder if he'll win ...
By the way, shout out- KENNY! Have fun studying in Aussieland and don't catch too many STDs!

Here are some screencaps of 'ME!"

So here is figured, I'm pretty decent looking is I don't laugh, smile, bunch up my cheeks, show my teeth and make animated facial expressions ...

So why can't I find a guy ...
(rant rant rant) ...

oh ... film does look fun, don't it.





Too bad it hilights every PICKIN' POCKMARK ON YOUR FREAKIN" FACE!!!

Oh yea - and happy pig year to you too.
---

The road to hell is paved with Slutty Wenches

-------------

So you think you know what I mean.

Tell me, coz I don't have a clue.

---
My last year in the 20's age bracket before I starting ticking the (ugh!) the next box option in forms.

Not that I mind ... terribly. Just lingering on an awful-sort-of- way. Like leaning for the first time, how to give a non-sucky (well sucky too) blowjob without actually resorting to 'blowing' ... damn, its complicated.

I really should save this rant till AFTER my birthday - but hey at least I'm not procrastinating. Time already has a handle on that one ... the bitch *
* This is in no reference, coincidental or (chuckles) or .. (haha) intentional to mrs ... mr ... ms ... Britney Spears.)

Ok, time to be coherent again.
I need a drink.
Why doesnt' office policy cover getting inebriated during work hours, why Why WHY !?!

Well I had a good time going out for a late supper srink with this guy (yea, lets call him, theater guy - like it isn't obvious enough already).
And I think I'm stopped obsessing a bit ... weee tiny lil' bit. Sated some of my curiosity so to speak.
And we'll hang another time.
Can't have too many friends ... and here I emphasize on the actually meaning of the word, Friend - not acquaintance or social network victim of the 6th degree of separation issues.

Yay ...

And I'm getting some work from KLPac.

Hooray for me -.-

They decided to extend my contract at this place of work. I guess thats something. But it still means no full time employment. I still have to supplement my income with freelancing.

Hey anyone out there - I'm desperately in need of some good pimpin'!
Special Skill: Handjobs and sucking on male teats .... feebly.
---

Because Virgins love Valentines too

-----------------------------

---
Valentines: Fiction or Fact.
I dont care, it just makes me and probably a whole lot of other people feel bad or guilty.

There.

And a bloody good reason (read: business sense) for florists to overcharge a globally scaled rate.

Lets take a closer look now.
Namely, how it affects me.

I would celebrate Valentines the week before or verily after, taking into consideration how much Chinese New Years plans and preparations would coincide.
It works on so many levels; still observing the celebration within a much broader time frame, and in pragmatic chinese logic - cheaper.

But this year,
Oddly - not surrounded by so many confessions of grandeur, flowers or professions of love. However, traffic on the roads, would proclaim otherwise.

I’m horribly moody as well. I hate the fact it reminds me of singleness-ness.
WHY do I have to be single on Valentines all the time! Even in my previous relationships that lasted longer that a year, we ‘separated’ on Valentines
I hate Valentines.

Occupation
In other news, coz I’m too lazy to repeat this to anyone who actually verbally asks me what I’m up to.

I’m going nutters about my job.
I like the current place I’m working at, but its contractual. Not entirely too happy about that.No company perks and variable reliability of job surety.

Got this other seemingly great place, but far and deep into the city. Ugh! And some stories I hear, make it ... not so pretty anymore.

Romantic
Besides being non-existant.
Well ... there’s this guy that got my number and messaged text me. Cute guy - in fact, when I first saw him a couple of months ago - I was thinking .. ‘Cute’. (D'oh)
So like my usual enthusiastic over expectant self, get all excited that a cute guy contacted me ... as the weird ways of the world would have it, I wanted to get his number too but didn't know how to earlier.

But I have to force myself EVERYTIME to say: let’s keep things casual, don’t get your hopes up - its a cute guy, and HEY!, friends are great - aim there first and we’ll take it where it goes ... yea ... chill baby!

Yea right.
I hate myself.

I'm super excited when he SMS's me. What am I ... 12! I'm emotionally infantile, I admit it to no one but the public. I always throw myself head first into love-crap and crushes.
Even when it advisable to just start of as friends. I hate the effect cute guys have on me.

No, I don't hate them ... I couldn’t.
That my curse.

Hot guys I can handle. They often have a downside, a deterring personality that grates me in the most unpleasant and non-sexual way. Nice to look at, share social drool together, but unliekly to be socially, mentally and reliably comfortable with. Not that I'm closing my options ... my legs are always open, i mean 'doors'.

Same thing for hunks and dashing, charming conversationalists.

In a strange twists of events, I'm lucky to not have met so many stupid people on Valentines.

Guess stupidity is harder to pick out in crowds of love-struck idiocy.
---