Swinging Doors

-------

Closing time
This past weekend Saturday was one of KL's earliest gay clubs closing night. It was decided they would have their swan song on their 5th year anniversary after 11 years of service to the LBGT community.
Well, sort of.
Although it started out as the risque 'ZigZag' (with its first all male stripper show) about 11 years ago that was reopened after being shut down (for the strip fest), as Liquid a year later I think. It was a bar and dance club.
Until it bought up the spaces above it and opened up Disco dance club and maintained Liquid downstairs as a bar and lounge. This expansion lasted for the last 5 years. With a prominent history and rocky lifespan, it slowly dwindled as recently flashier gay spots in the heart of KL opened up. Other venues over the recent years also opened up to mixed gay/straight nights of clubbing.
So this was their swan song. It wasn't even a packed night for a closing, much less a anniversary night. No more annual Mr Liquid parties, no more 'school' nights and foam parties in that space. It was a comfortable crowd but one would have expected a much grander crowd for closing night ...

As is, Disco dance club is closing and as announced, 'Liquid' will be moving to another location. Let's hope for the better.

Daring
On a whim, after an early night, after the club's swan song.
I went to a very well known gay cruising park somewhere in Cheras (it was called 'Lost World') with my friends and guides. I had never been there although I've heard a plenty about it. Oh it was a very NICE park indeed!
Although I must admit, I was terrible at cruising :( even with the aide of expert more experienced friends with me. but the walk at night was lovely in such a nice park.
I'll resign myself to the fact that any one of these one night stand / cruise / bathhouses type gay activities that I'm just no good at.

---

Prose

Revolving Revolutions.
We move full circle forward, which makes no sense.
Not to me, not to few others too I hope.
Or else I'd mope.
At the state of things.
At the state of government.
I'll weep and laugh in silent mirth and ironic humour.
And come full circle.
At least I can't step back, becuase it means I'l only moving forward.
Or is it the other way around.
Help me.

Muse Lovers

---
Nothing fancy.
Just wanted to share two amazing new / latest singles from my books
of the most talented young male singer / songwriter / producers.
And yes, I would sleep with them in a heartbeat.

JC Chasez's "You Ruined Me" Alb: "Kate" Release: Summer 2007
Underrated composer / producer of the ex-famed N'Synx

Wang Lee Hom, Alexander 12th album, "Change Me (改變自己)". Release: July 13th 2007
Through this album, Leehom promotes the issue of global warming and eco-awareness.

... and I would consider selling my soul if these two could have a long lasting happy romantic relationship with each other .... sigh ...

Googer-realla

-----

Busy busy
Intentions and all that.
I'll be taking a leap. I think I'll treat myself to that at least once a year, or on the occasional. Feels ... good for the soul, mine. Like I haven't experienced wild abandonment before! Well, not totally anyways.
I'll be attending an art / DJ music thing under CUM (Creative United Movement) - by Lucideas someplace in KL called 'Palate Pallet". Should be interesting, and maybe I'll meet some people there that help in future personal projects. No harm eh, I juts hope there's not too much social mingling ... I don't last too long in those crowds.
Oh, I forget to mention - its tonight.
Tomorrow night, I'll be following my good friend Vince to a meeting or discussion for Malaysian Gay Writers at the Central Market Annexe. Should prove to be interesting, and hopefully some new insight will be found. We shall hope, no?
I'm all for encouraging Malaysian gay writer and Content thats relevant to it!
On Saturday - I forget what I need to do at night now ... but After Work - there's a bloody good chance I'll be trying out for "One in a Million" singing contest auditions again at Berjaya Times Square.
Yea for raising the age limit to 32 !

Friendly Consideration
I've mostly resigned myself to knowing I will rarely get company for my crazy adventures anymore. it actually takes effort (who knew) for someone to say yes to accompanying me while I go tryout auditions, take random walks around KL, check out gallery launches and stuff. Primarily because it no longer feels genuine for some individuals.
At the back of my head, I think it'd be nice to ask them - and then I wonder at all the times I've been passed over, turned down and excluded ... and then, in a nonchalant manner, I'll wave it off.
I need to find new people as friends. And I mean real friends. I've assumed too much already on the basis of friendships. I can't prostitute the meaning of what a friendship should be anymore. Proximity doesn't count.
Effort does, as do consideration and thoughtfulness (well at some point, any point!)

And ... I should find more friends my age.

---

Fewmets Grace

-----

Body Utopia

I heard a line from a series, and I believe it was in comic reference to one of the qualities of being a urban gay man. “… having unrealistic body expectations …”
Now that struck a familiar chord. Though in jest, it implied something bad.
Is it?

Now, although I’m unfortunately lacking in the muscular obsessive dept., and sometimes I really wish I was more obsessed and doggedly determined about it, I know I won’t ever get the PornStarBody (PSB). I mean, what business can I make from there, certainly there’s no legitimate local thriving male gay adult theatre I can audition for.
And I certainly can’t be a model on physique alone. I don’t have the height nor face nor sense of listening explicitly to direction.
So, in all – I can’t seem think having some PSB goals as a bad thing. Its too bad, that it costs so much, both financially and time. The food (diet), the consistent gym hours, the everything … which makes more sense if it were a PSB-reliant JOB as well, but its not the case. And I’m sodden sad again.

-----

Because this next part is extraordinarily long, I'll only be putting up s short excerpt.
The full story can be read here.

|| GreaterDispel ||

Confessions of a Drama

"Trying to feel included, or at least waiting to be invited.
I felt like a ghost in the wall sometimes, wishing for a thought. Maybe they’ll think of asking me to come out and play.
There’s nothing to apologize for. There’s nothing to forgive, no one did anything wrong. All I wanted to be was a devoted friend, and if I said or did anything unsettling, I didn’t mean it.
I told them every night, I told everyone in the production every night.
But I was drowned out."

----

Confessions of the tired

---

Thats it Gentleman.

Five Crossed Constellations

Voucher
Long story short.
I walked past a Border’s open book sale and noticed a few people drawing in front of the stage. I came in late, but since I was waiting for a movie to start yesterday, I joined the “Manga Drawing Contest”.
The judges were from local comic and animation industries, and would have been nice if they arranged a discussion between the participants and the contestants later to critique work and stuff. Make proper use of their time and expertise.
Anyways …. It was surprising since it was really a time-spender thing for me and in 2 age categories (8 – 15) and (16 and above), as well as only about 12 participants where there are 3 prizes for both categories being given out. All I had was my mechanical pencil in my bag and I saw some of the participants with full colour Copic markers. Wow.
I won the older category with a first place voucher of RM 200.00 to spend at Borders. Wonder if I can drag this voucher to last till next May to buy the new Dungeon and Dragons PHB 4.0 RuleSet.

Mixed feelings
Relationships,
which I question whether I’m really ready for one.
I want to make sure I’m not mistaking this nice feeling as just a fun time (which I’m not opposed to of course!) or if … its really him. I want to be fair to him. Of all things, I need to be honest in this and for the both of us. And also consider my own promise to myself.
Friendships,
Where the dynamics have changed and its making me uncomfortable. I must teach myself to accept that I am not and cannot always maintain or have the opportunity to reaffirm my place as certain individuals friends no matter how much I may like d to. Or even how much I would have liked the rapport and closeness we felt as friends in the past / previous productions. Its silly ot me to think, I could be more especially when I can barely make the time … such as they have for their own inner circle. It sucks to feel left out, but I’ll come to terms with that, I have to … right?
I should be happy just knowing I have the few friends that I have … the few friends that I know are, for as much meaning as the word can hold are … friends.
So, a sincere thank you for those who’ve treated me in kind and hardly left a doubt at the end of the day, or week or month, even after the messiest of storms, to those who’ve stuck on with me.
Thanks.
Now I’m all misty-eyed.
Must be the fact I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

I need sleeping pills.

Less Angry
And I’ve said it many times before. Gosh! - I want support for this!
I want some kind of social encouragement that’ll say it’s a the better road, the higher road. I tell myself that but that fad is waning fast and I need a new perspective to run achieve that.
I’m not sure I can do it alone.

Massage
I’m going in for the Blind Man’s Massage at this un-signage-d parlour at KL Sentral. My old friend is leading me there again. He’s such a connoisseur of such places. Ha Ha.
Of course, I don’t think I’m quite brave or confident enough to actually try the sauna’s and bathhouses upstairs.
I’m much more content getting a good massage downstairs, Hanky-Hand-Panky optional and subject to how well the massage was, and often times at these visually handicapped guys are pretty good :D I’m glad to say!


Ideal
I fear to think what the “ideal” man is, the “ideal” date would be … and I shudder to begin to imagine what the “ideal” day could even be …

---------

I need more good memories. We all could.

Yugoloth Dreams

------

Sick
Between the 5 am jolts to consciousness and the bouts of nasal blockage, work line-ups and acting in a play at night ... I think I'm coping ok.
But ... feeling very beside myself.

Hooked
Yes, I will concur with some friends.
FaceBook is addicting.
I hope the addiction doesn't last long, but the FluffPets are killing me. They're the reason I go back to check on them all the time :(
Sigh - I suppose this comes from having an allergy to many varied species of the animal kingdom during my youth. Allergies, be damned.

---
Prose

Little circular bores of circles, drill.
Concentric shapes into my skull, driving the brain
with Vibrations than do it no good.

Respect does the same thing.
I think the difference between that and obligation and duty is nary a hair's breadth long. But we carry it like a lifelong heritage burdened by our own self of self-social upbringing.

Life-Challenged

---

Life-Inept
Okay, I'll attribute some of today's text mood to the fact I'm suffering from a stuffed nose and my sinuses have flared up again, in light of the humid rainy chilling weather all day long in an air conditioned office staring at a computer screen.
Did I mention that I'm having a Open Night for my play tonight ... ? In a couple of hours. And any strong medicine I may take to help me through this might konk me out and perhaps cause some drowsiness, because we all know how little effective non-drowsiness flu medicine there is available in Malaysia.
And so, I feel life-inept.
Ill-equipped to walk this road to life, this journey into discovery.
Damn.

Prayer
I hope the shows goes well ... uhhh, up to the end of its run, yes?


---
Prose

Breathe free,
effervescent delight.
Amidst the haze of allergens and spring dust
I want to breathe free.
We all do.
Away with the pills,
Away with the bland meals,
Away with the constraints of bed sheets.
Just make me
Breathe free.

Fingers pointing to the Flame

------

the Angry man
I guess it holds some truth. You do get angrier as you grow older.
I don't know how comfortable I'll be knowing I'll be an angry man in the future.
It has come to my attention, I am not the same person I was just so few years ago. I realized it, but I did not realize just how much of a public face anger could wear.
I always thought otherwise, but I guess I was wrong.
I am wrong.

Change
Necessary, natural, neutral and unconcerned about the affairs of men.
I will flow with it.
I must embrace it, or die stuck in my own time and character.
So I'll begin.
Quiet.

Diversion
Personal devotion to something to calm me. Missing. I think.
I have to try and remember the lessons of my youth.
I miss that person. He was aware but soft.
I miss soft.
I've baked into a crust, a brusque shell of unconcern and opinion. I use the excuse that I am only so angry because I care, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
I miss myself.

---
Birth

I wonder if a snail can tell time moving as it does at that pace.
Does the world spin dizzily too fast, or hauntingly slow as it considers the path before it.

Do the birds in flight look below the world from high above.
Can it see into the lattice of humankind life and wink at the sun and sea in lofty caws.

Will the seas spill their secrets to the shores.
Or have already but our blindness allow the sands to words to slip back to their sad waters.

I will pick a side although I wonder which.
I don't know if it'll have me, sore from the waiting, ill from the need, strange from wanting.

In the heart of mine, burns the flame caught still.
The skin is covered frigid cold with numbness than spider crawls across the pores and cracks.

I was born wrong.
I was born for change.
I was born for no reason.
I was borne.

---

The 7th 100 Eye

-----

You_TV_Tube
Yea - catching up on all the Ambiguously Gay Duo episodes on YouTube.
Funny (tee hee hee) ... that and Dame Edna.
The newer stuff and her older shows.

Rehearsals
Was very frustrated yesterday night. Angry at myself and consequently upset and everything else related too closeby.
Maybe this whole thing isn't such a good idea, but I have to do it now.
Huge difference of intention and state of mind when you "want" to do something and you "have" to do something - even if they are the same thing.

Let's hope I can catch up by ... oh ... Sunday.
Its Bump-in on Sunday and Showtime on Thursday.
I need to know my lines!

Back to Origins
I've mentioned I need to simplify and uncomplicate things. I constantly need to remind myself of it. Its certainly not easy and I can only wish it would make my life easier.
Maybe it won't ever be, thats a possibility.
But just as well, it may as well.
Crap.
You suck, life.

Gym
It actually makes sense to go back to that routine. And it would help a lot. Its more personal than I'd ever thought it could be and I wasn't compelled by anything but a desire to commit simply and relax then when I was at the gym doing my stuff.
Somethings unbalanced, unhinged, and I have to find the fulcrum again.

Awards
Yea, my friend Dann, won a bunch of things for this short short story thing. I figured there were a lot of important people in some industries at the awards I accompanied him for. He's going to Bali, won a free MotoRazor and I was mistaken for his PR Agent. Ha ha!
Serve me right for going around asking relevant question about the details of the prizes on his behalf.
Still I met this guy there who I've had this minor crush on in art college. He's lost a lot of his muscle bulk and all, but he's still attractive to me!
Yea, its the same contest I told him and urged him to join.

Karma
I've told my friend Dann, that someday, I hope Karma is racking up all the points to repay me. I've helped friends, get jobs, win prizes, informed them of opportunities and plugged in the right people to them when they needed the contacts and info. And here I am, stressing, awardless and prizeless.
-sigh-
Life, you suck.

Reminders
Great! I just reminded myself, I have to write something Malaysiana for this weekends OpenMikeGig at PJ.
Oops.

---

Prose

Delightful slippets of nighty night
Daytime reverie playtime.
Sleep now for fourty winks.
Come fleeting for me
In the slippers of your eyelids.

Scuttlewing and Left for Deed

---

Chill
Its cold and chilly tonight. The kind that gives my body the mild premonition of a fever.
I think I'm getting sick.
I could walk about and warm up, but the entire building is frosty shivery and since it rained outside for the last hour or so, its the same outside.
Bah-hun-bug.

Patience
So I wait for my rehearsals to begin.
The few we have left.
I'm apprehensive about the whole show, but some niggling doubts of me feel completely free of responsibility of it. Utterly abandoning free and absolved.
Maybe I'm going into auto-pilot. A mechanical action freeing me of all conscious decisions to care. To do exact what is told and nothing more and nothing less.

Puzzle Recognition
Vince Chong, our local talented singer (who'll be in performing in "Frogway" The Actors Studio ), stopped to asked we we meet before.
I dont think so. Really, I dont.
Though he's much cuter IRL than in photos.
And I'd liked to know him better.
Perhaps ... it was the slightly longer than usual eye contact. I was checking him out trying to place him in my memory - not sure it was a celebrity. But it lingered long enough for him I suppose to register as a "recognizable" stare.
Oops.
Still, he looks like a darling in person.

---
Prose

Interrupted. Between. Lines. I'm happy for him, I am. Pause. Between. Breaths. I'm not lying. Down, I mean, when I heard it. Drop. Fallen. News. Really, I am. Thats how you know. Interrupted. Blind. Mistress. I wish it was otherwise.

Pitcher of Perfection

The girl and her dollhouse.

---
Deathlines
Its now the 13th - and the play I'm involved in opens on the 23rd. Thats about 9 days time. And we only have 5 more rehearsals. How's that for a plays death sentence.
We have enough to put on a show, but is it worth it to see, or to be staged ... I don't know. The director seems to think its going along well enough, judging from her behaviour and generally laissez-faire attitude. She seems calm enough about it.
Wonder if she'll part of share some secret about her confidence and apparent placidness concerning the play and our performance.

So much for this toy house production, I konw in my heart its an amateur performance but I really want it to be as professional as I can.

It hurts kinda to know I can walk away wth no regret or problem.
It hurts to know that I won't have a contract because I won't be paid for this. I can screw up and not really give a shit, with only work ethic being my only conscience.
It hurts because this is really just a feat to payback what I'm being charged for on the company printing mistake several months back.
(its really more of a sympathetic pang - nothing quite so gut-wrenchingly painful, so no worries, eh)

Work
It does seem to have slowed down a bit since the mad rush is mostly over for me. The rest will just be beginning for the rest of the office. I will have to catch up on all the other things and work lined up from before but I know I can take it slower, and thats always good at work.

Dates
I've lined up a few things. I have a full day on a coming Sunday. After a full run- I'll be rushing off to read at the OMG (Open Mike Gig) held at the Food Foundry, PJ, courtesy of my friends Pat and Priya. Yea!
I'll be looking forward to that, altho' I may have a problem with the Malaysiana theme. I don't exactly know how many of my pieces and writing really reflect Malaysiana as a whole or partial piece even. I'd like to think of my amateur writing as ... more universal. I have neither the skill nor experience to write anything more aptly detailed.

Dating
Its working out ok. But I'm not sure I'm settling for ok anymore.
I need to be more demanding, I need ... more now. I've come to realize I've settled a lot in the past, because, I guess, I wanted to always be someone better, like I wasn't good enough. But I've got to stop that.
Thats the reason why I had this stupid sabbatical in the first place. To place myself first and work on myself from within, regardless of how cliche that may be. damn it ...
And the guy needs to know this. I know I've mentioned it to him, but I torn to really letting him know how serious I need this to work for me. Not for us ... just me.

---

Prose

I clown around the fringes of a man's thoughts. I idle away at the working woman who never thinks she's enough. I spin dizzily at a childs disregarding upbringing.
I am a lost conscience.

Close your eyes, voluntarily to me.
No more talk of wonders, no more open battles lest we see it coming. We are covert, stealthy operatives to the core of the soul. And we strike painlessly, lest we feel.

Signet of words, we used long ago.
Fall heedlessly to sealed ears. The flaps of the lobe skin strung and sealed across the earhole. The eardrum humming to the selfless thoughts we wish only to hear but never listen.

And I hate. With a hunger.
Run away with me to close a chapter of human greed.
I will show you mute music, blinding light and many more things you cannot imagine because you were taught never to.

I settle across the brow of the permanent frowns. I sink between the wrinkles and creases of pristine perfect dermatological miracles. I whet on the stirrings of primal consumerism working up the evolutionary ladder.
I am the lost conscience.

Holier than Thou

Where temptations leak out ...

---

Drama in Drama
As it is always bound.
The closer it all gets to the date of show ... everything cames squeezing in. The boss is suddenly overcome with taking in every little details and having it now, even when some parts are waiting for others outside our control.
But I'm grasping at fourth wall straws. Just do my job .... just do it, as the modern Nike would say. Damned her capitalists consumerist Greek deific heart.

Ill Recovery
I worked the weekend at the office. Don't think I did much but its something I suppose. Actually still feeling like I'm recovering from my fever last weekend. So slow, but it makes sense considering I never took a real rest.
... and NOW some office colleagues are commenting on how sickly I'm beginning to look, as I'm recovering - oh the irony.

Job Placement
Maybe I should take a really stable - scheduled - job. Albeit, really not creative job line. There's a call for a video archivists. Its really boring, you have to love cataloging and details, be a stickler for order and live 9 - 5 every day looking at numbers and generated stacks of thousands per day.
You think?

The Play
I realized I don't have the motivation to play my current character in the play. There's something missing. Something core and inherent that isn't coming through. I hate coming in so late into the piece and not having time to explore and being told "What you're doing is already good, keep it up but occasionally you can do a little of this and that..."
What is that?!?
There's something missing, can't you feel it?
Tension, need, want, supergoal, intention - its ... not really there. I don't know why my character is there. Blah.
Need time to work this out even though time is running out.
Wait - a lot of unspoken subtext is getting glanced over. And I believe a lot. There's more physical writ thats not been wrung out or explored. There is more than the written word - can't they see it! There more I dedicate myself to read and memorize it, the more I realize that there's so much we're not getting. Even superficially, we're not getting it. We've imposed out own simplicity on it. i know its not a heavy-handed play to begin with, but at its core it represents more than it shows.
Is it wrong to want the others to show it?

---
Prose

God's wits
were left behind.
At the world's end.
Then we will get
the funny.

White Whine, Red Rum

---

Ill Fated
I despise getting ill before the weekend begins.
It just seems that by the time Monday rolls around, and you've just begun recovering, its still not wroth the effort explaining to your employer's why you need the day off to recover. The only day on Sunday I truly get a rest after a 6 day work week, and I have a pulsating fever, accompanied by migraine attacks.

Work Ethic
And I feel I should return to work when I know there's something that they may need for the last minute. My personal take on this, if I can't even do a halfway decent job, I should at least try.
But who does this these days. I think few do and I certainly don't fault them.
VERY FEW companies offer such great incentive for long term employment anymore, well at least in the industries I'm involved in. Which isn't really saying much - coz there really shouldn't be that many reasons why the advertising / theatre / design industries CAN'T encourage long term employment and foster company loyalty and incentives.
Because turnover is so great. I find that hard to believe when my country claims to have so abundant overqualified graduates who have no jobs ...
We push ourselves to be economically aware and away from out third world status but out corporate - or everywhere in general, can't function on the basic changes required to cope with the changes of being 2nd or 1st world status. So we accumulate the problems of third'isms with the onset problems of moving into second world'isms.
not sure if I'm making sense here.

Independance
Maybe its the chinese in me ... which reminds me, I havent had much chinese in me lately.
I digress.
I want to own something of my own. Be my own boss of something,
I mentioned some time ago, trying to look into my own Tee-shirt design business. I've looked at some business models and start-ups - and without much backing or a wide safety net, it still requires me to dedicate full time for it. I can't afford that, at least not now.
This theatre show thing ... I don't know. Perhaps put on shows, but thats not really owning anything though it still does mean something. A lot.

---

Prose

Incidentally, the cat walked across the black path ahead of me.
Does it work that way?
Was it telling me to turn back? Or was the crossed-eyed superstitious signal of the universe, telling me it was ok? The black luck had fallen from the feline wrapping the future path.
I could be thinking too much.
I try not to, or I fear I'll turn back for fear, cowardice, shame or familiarity.
I'll ask too many questions I can't answer.
They'll understand, maybe they won't.
I need to do this.
I'm kind of pretty, I can get by. I do ... did ok in school.
I'll meet someone, its a big world and he's out there. I'll have to wait a bit but I know he's out there. He'll take care of me and my baby, and maybe if I don't have a job by then ... I might even go back and finish school.
I hope I'm going the right way.
Oh, maybe its him. In that car slowing down, offering me a ride. He has a nice smile.
Oh dear, the cat caught something in its teeth. A street rat of some sort.
I should get out of the cold anyways.
Its getting late and there's no time to live like now.

---

Punch Daddy June Bug

---

Stapled
Wonderful little mechanical steel bridges that bind my ideas immortalized in a chemical beauty of pulp white and black aqueous matter.
Simply wonderful, the simplicity.

Which is why I'm wondering if my posts titles and images have anything to do with my posts sometimes. A presentable semblance of meaning is all thats required and of that, I'm not sure either.

Weaning
Suffice to say, this will be a short post.

---
Prose

Indistinct smatter
Whats the matter
with me, should you
make the time I should
no.
Tell us of I
Definite will
and proclamation
deathbed made.
yes.
Celebrate the matter
with me, the will
Definite time
for proclamation
Should make.
Deathbed indistinct.
Celebrate.
---

Paprika on Ice

---

"who's prepared to pay the price, for a trip to paradise ... love for sale."
_Vivian Green, Love for Sale

Music
Been listening to random playlists on the weblink at work. All streaming so I couldnt even save them if I could. Not that I have anything to carry around to listen to them in the first place.
Stuff like Akos: Minden Most Kezdodik, Learna & Moor, and some remixes by ... goodness, I dont even know the language much less whether its from Europe or South America.
Of course a good mix of Broadway like Spring Awakening and Wicked, and old school Ella and the good stuff.

Intoxicated
First time at the Zouk collection of clubs last night. Happy B'day and going to be an SIA Flight Attendant, Kristin!
Looks like the motif for the entire building was a giant took, or many or a marshmellow collection. All the same, it looked like walking into a long mouth into a amusement park. It even had ticket buying booths the same way.
All in all, for ladies night - it was really a night of men. men of all types, sorts, races, mixed, body types, preferences, looks, styles ...
Holy Crap!
I would so abuse my "Turn them Gay and attracted to Me" power if I had it. Meat-fest. It I didn't know it was a straight club (I think?), it would have been paradiso for washing eyes. True, that you trade in the general 'gay superficial critical eye' for the 'straight machismo jerk facade", but face it - I was there for a friend and it was all nice side dishes. Fun but I couldn't care more.
Apparently there was this really "hiao" girl who kept trying to sell me her vodka shots (yea, right). She couldn't even make a dent in my attention span even if she spilled wet vodka over her white, and very tacky top.
Oer, I wonder if the blonde streaks in my hair glowed from the darn black lights here and there.

But my point here is, I was slightly intoxicated and went to see a guy. Yes, so much for taking it slow. Crap.
Now I know why drunkards should never have their cellphones with them.
But I (hope) apologized and tried to explain that I'm normally not this ... aggressive and I'd like to take things slowly as as they are. Nothing serious. I don't want him getting an inaccurate picture of my intentions.

Charity
I did my little bit after a mad rush to reach the Seksan house, to help out Pat & Priya. Cloudbreak's Fallen Leaves turned out pretty well even with my little sub-acting. He he. I enjoyed playing my little part in it. One day, I've got to actually get a gay role.
Its perplexing, that I see many gay roles going to straight actors.
Sigh.

Work
... is work. You try to dodge bullets when you can, and grit your teeth and care it when you extract the ones that got you.

& Play
... if I have it too early, my producer will not be having to (uh) produce it.
The middle of the year is good for her and a group of people that could help me. Its a good time for people to come watch, because not too many things happen at the middle of the year. Except my workload.
... end of the year seems tough, because too many things are happening for everyone and sponsors aren't likely to say they sponsor something for the end of the year one year away from now. Or rather likely to back out just as quickly. But its less of a rush.
I just want a small play.
But its shaping out to sound a whole lot bigger.
... if I stay to June, and I work around it - I know I'll need someone I trust and with the same ideas I have about the project to take over when I cannot. Most things point to June being a good time except for my work. This requires .... more thinking.
December is out.
I don't see how I can put up something to new, so quickly.

---
Prose

Let them see me pretend.
Through glass stained corneas.
Pretend to be real in mockery
Of puppetry lives,
reflected in glass sheltered domes.

Embrace the living spirit
Superficial, superfluous spirit in you.
Know the true self built of glass
Wobbling in winds,
of change the words the public say.

No true depth ca counter
the seeping shallow skin.
But admit the signs that hang
bristling and prickly
And leave the world, a happy man.
---

Wrathful Sky, Memory Erth

---

Company and Misery
Where does the day take us to now?
As far as I'm concerned, with the heaps and heaps of work and the sympathetic workload and stress everyone seems to be gladly disseminating at the office ... my old barely-strung together headphones from home is strengthening my grasp on reality.
That and online radio.
Random strings of music lists.
Straight into my head through the ear canals.
Boom Shakalaka Shing!

Enamour
To the lyrics and music of "Wicked".
Never seen it and I doubt it'll ever get in this country, but ... its hi time for me to buy Music CD's again. I certainly hope my car can play CD's one day. I love my morning radio - but ... it tests my patience sometimes.

A guy
Double jointed, double entendre's were served with much earnest in the last few days.
But I have to be honest to him. I may have been forward in my approach but like previous experience has shown, I need to clarify where I stand before assumptions begin to take hold. I can't afford it, I would like to work with him professionally one day and clarity needs to be presented now rather than later.
And I will stick to my promise to myself, the few I intend to see all the way through. I can't bear any serious personal relationships right now. I have other things to tend to. Being a better person. Seeing my plans through. Priorities - I remember you well.
I need to be better to myself, even with my own promises.
So to guy, I certainly hope I can eloquate myself clearly enough to make you understand.

---
Prose

Colours that burn

... from the wheels that turn.
Cloudy wheels with spindles so sharp they pierce the sky and stars fall through.

... from the annals of the grave.
Stillborn souls mustering a seance to the living.

... from the eye in the great sky.
Delivering a sermon to the forest weeds who feed on the echoes of the lost.

Stanza to stanza, breach wall skin-paper tight.
I fight.
The bloody screen that bleaches the steam of the dusk.
I must.
Torpedo crooning love lullabies to cities before birth.
I sight.

The colours that burn fast, are the ones that stay forever.

---

ps: Crap, I wrote that in under a minute, forcing the words to spill out.
well, i went back to spell check it too, but the time there don't count.

Giants in the Sky

-----

Overtime
The time for feeling overwhelmed by an industry I am unfamiliar with, should be over. I can do something. Something even halfway decent.
If its one thing I give this 'vision' thing, then its the fact that it allows me to approach giants. The giants of the industry, who at eye level - aren't quite so intimidating and absolutely less foreboding than imagined before.
I can do this, with the help of sincere friends and professionals.

Intention
Who knew all my trivial knowledge could come in useful one day?
I just need to find the perseverance to keep this up. Writers, artists, actors, students, publishers, producers, directors, sponsors, workshops, spaces ... just everything else I need to know more and more about to set about my plans.

Divination
I don't know how it'll turn out.
I feel like a million pins of light are striking at me and peeling away every cell. Its a feeling thats mutual with a lot of guys around me I suppose. And some of them are ever attractive because of that.
But it'll be casual for now, until the stars align themselves for once, just for me. I'll even go along with a close approximate. We never know, it could be right now, its just that light doesn't seem to travel fast enough and what we see in our night sky constellations is anywhere as old as 60 years late to centuries old.

Trust
... and I'm learning how to trust more. Surprising. The more I intend to take control of something in my life, I seem to be forcing myself to realize that I need to trust more instead. In others, in events that surround me, in the muses, in fate, in opportunity, in conviction and in friends.
I hope its lasts, because it feels very worth it.

Growing up
Perhaps if I wait long enough, want long enough, work long enough - I 'll be a giant. A small one, but a giant nonetheless. Then I can take off these painful working shoes and step afresh in the fresh green pinetree grass and bubbling azure blue waters of the Pacific. And I can lean my back against the sturdy Andes and watch the stars, watching the giants of the Universe at play ... waiting to join them.

---
Prose

Her father bade me well.
I called him 'Uncle' as if I was familiar with him.
I'd like to. My secret wish, my shadowed desire. I'd like to know him as no relative should. I don't think the laws of the world can bind this passion of mine. The fantasy of which I am his to do with. I want to be held, chided and handled by this person.
I am her best friend for the reasons I hide well enough away. I drew to her like a crab stepping sideways to their goal. I would sit after school, during the carpool looking at the back of his head as she rambled on about the meddlesome boy in her class today. I knew no boy would live up the the standards I held for this man. Her father.
I'd imagine my out of the gates of the school canteen, my uniform falling away as I approached him. These thoughts keep me distracted throughout the day waiting for the time to go home.
I should say something but I don't know if I want the fantasy to end. Maybe he'll hate me, maybe he'll want me. I won't take the risk.
So I am her friend.
Until I'm old enough, old enough in the words of the law, out of the yoke of a teenaged label, I will go to him. Then maybe my strength will make me desirable to him. His strength drawn to me.
Just five more years.

Pieces of Frail

---

Dancing on the shores of plenty
I would like to go to the club again. Lose myself in good trance stylized music, and in the motions of the hypnotic melody.
It helps induce this state of cool self-hypnosis. Like looking through a hollow bright green cucumber.

Touche
I would like to get another massage sometime soon, and preferably with more massage technique and less personal caressing. Not that I mind, you know; but I don't want the actual massage to be skimped on either. To elaborate more, would be writing gay erotica, so I'll leave it at that.

Sating Sattie
I'm feeling languid this Saturday.
Just absolutely languid.
There's work to be done, but its taking a swim in the molasses.

Reconnect
I'll spend some time with a friend. I think he's having a tough time now and he's taking it in his stride but he could always use more visible support. Real support, not lip-service or culture-induced words of sympathy.

ps: This is my 69th post - tee hee

---
Prose

Have you ever followed the shape of an "L"?
You have, you know.
We all have. We see some sort of journey ahead all the time, some as far as grand-children, others as far as the mall down the street only. But there's that bend which we cannot see past. We cannot strafe the edge because we fall down the path too fast to prepare to turn on the the flat plane of the "L".
So we begin to blame the other letters. We find fault with the 'vowels' and say the other 'consonant's don't care or understand. Punctuations limit us and proper grammar is proper propaganda.
Words are propaganda, for our side. They can be filtered, lies or gut-wrenchingly true. You decide, what words to speak, even Freudian words.
And it all falls back to "L".
So I dismiss thee, by professing an entire sentence absent of your presence, this one, this parting sentence. For now, in this instant - you do not exist.

Fridge to notes by way of magnets

---

Reminder
There's moss beneath all out idle thoughts. We draw too much comfort from it sometimes. Even when we're spontaneous, there's a personal comfort there.
I'm going to help a good friend celebrate being let go of his job. And in turn, resolve to just ... stick by mine until they find the balls to fire me. Or I find myself getting comfortable there.
Whoever blows up first.

Ylang Ylang
I like that word for some reason. The smell, ... not so great.
The subject name is greater than the object function.

Writing
There's a play, a story maybe. Its in my head somewhere, so I'm trying to find out how long it'll take for it to reach my eyes, ears, mouth and my fingers. I'm waiting for its voice to be heard, whether be it soft or loud. I certainly can't rush it, but I can goad it into existence.
Time is of the essence here.

Showtime
Its interesting. I may have already sought a line-up for a producer, publicist, stage manager that I may want and outline plan/proposal for my play next year. Its set for June, but it may be cutting close to other events - especially work. So I'll be flexible - Late April showers to June Bloom.

But there still questions. Can I afford to make it a annual thing? Or is it a one-shot? Is it too static for its future? Should it be a collection of many short shorts or a simple 2 - 3 piece play piece, that aptly gives the playwright stories to unfold?

20.7.2007
Oh yes - it is.
A strange numerical coincidence on the Junos Calender.

---
Prose


He measured it six more times to make it right. It had to be perfect. It must be precise, or it would reflect badly on him, on his work. On the guys at work. There was so much pressure to perform the correct technique, find the right approach and place just the right amount of attention to it.
He realized he held his breath in and steadied a slow breath out. "Need only 2 more like this", he thought to himself. The shine of a well worked blade touched the unbroken cheek softly.
Gently, he whispered to himself.
now the guys at work will have something to mull over. They'll marvel over the work and think, how great the puzzle will be when it is finally revealed. How pleased they would be to know they were following so well, and how well he taught them.
He pushed, and she bled.