Flesh and bones

---
I feel weird.

I didn't manage to sleep last night.

Ramblings
It was the voices both within and without. I had to balance so many things out. Money, time, petrol, sleeping space, friends, acquaintances.

Marketplace
It was the event last night.
Invitations to a hard to find place (nice tho') along Jalan Yap Kwan Seng. There was this FInlandia event, free booze, gay-o-rama men everywhere (for the 4 day gay May events startoff).
And a Jonathan Cheng show, followed by a Private Structure model show with tanned male muscular hunky doro handsome belong to TV faces Filipino models.
Yea ... its was fun but also depressing.
Even through the fun of watching guys lick shots off their bodies.

What is with me, that this shit depresses me.
A reminder what I could have become but is still looking in from the fringes of. Uncertain whether I want or should belong. What the Fuck! Is this 'my' community and what the hell am I feeling so ambivalent and divided about it!

Celebrities.
And yes, I did see some faces from the past, faces of some who are curreny celebrities. Were they hob nobbing, just having fun or mixing it all together - business and pleasure. This includes ex's as well.
So fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck

I can't articulate to right now, the quiet turmoil thats churning somewhere in the depths of my unsettled bowels.
Maybe when it passes ... when sleep embraces me again.

Strings attached
I can't move on and be 'beyond this' when there's a remainder of what what was and how it felt to be there before. How easy to return and have little qualms ... there's nothing wrong about it, I can't judge it, i've no sense ot perspective, real perspective on this.
But I can't.
It isn't really good for me.
There's so much of myself I didn't like.
Don't want to like.

Add more expletives here.
*&#@%$

I heard one positive thing today tho' courtesy of my friend, the director who sits behind me.
"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"
---

Prose
I have no reason to deny the coiling little lie that breeds and feeds on my insecurities. Living off the sights in my eyes, the sounds in my ears, the sick pittish feeling in my belly, it basks and radiates in lush fattening diet. It never grows too big, careful not to burst the host - some would call it parasitic but its strange to find out in soft and sudden realization that is symbiotic. I loathe the parts that I love.
Perhaps I should die, to starve it.
I can't die young when the tendrils still caress my rapidly aging insides. Youth was a luxury, a faded memory which my cells recall like yesterdays breakfast.
Its plush.
This corruption of mine.
Fat, disgustingly plush.
Leave me alone.

Werds

---

Readings
After a short stint at work, I managed to go with a colleague of mine (sandee) to a reading in Lucky Garden. (oh I had a great conversation with her over lunch too, thanks :D)
Several things came to mind.
I met the hot looking Kenny. He's so much hotter in person than his photo's admit online admit to. Yea, I'd shag him.
I was feeling weirded by people who were introducing me around. I believe there were notables in the industry I was introduced to which were probably important names to know, but I knew were that they did something, somewhere, sometime and were probably good at it. And here I am being introduced to them.
I feel like a fraud, like I shouldn't be introduced to professionals in their industry, which me quaint dabbling and attempts to foray into their territory. I have stuff for sure, and I'm pretty proud of them but I wouldn't want ANYONE to get the wrong idea that I'm experienced or any good. Let's face it, let's not lie - I don't know much about all this ... less about the giants in the industry and less so about the business itself. But Heck and Hell, I'm know this is something I wanna try regardless ... even if it all feels bigger than I am.
And this guy I met, Kok Ting, he's this uhmmm ... something to do with music.
Yea, he turns me on. :D
Maybe its the way he speaks.
The last thing that occurred to me ...
This is one of the most opportune platform to perform and test my monologues and dialogues (Oh my!). Yes ... I will try to arrange with Sharon? / Bernice? to have a reading in June or July.
Oh my , oh yes , oh dear.
What am I getting myself into?
I love it.

Telling times
I have evening meetings appointments which will probably make me miss "Tell-tale heart". I would have liked to see it for its appocahed actually but ... alas.
Sigh
On the other hand, I will be gone for a week.

Trials up north
Monday; Full day of work
Tuesday: Intended shopping, meeting in evening at work
Wednesday: Supposedly day off (home business)
Thursday: To Penang for show and bump-in
Fruday: Penang
Sat and Sun: Penang
Monday: Back ... and hopefully day off.
Tuesday: Back to work

I suddenly don't feel like I have any weekends or actual real days of anymore.
Double sigh.

Tales
I have an inkling of a story.
About the moment a wooman realizes she may be in love.
With her gay best friend.
I'm not sure, its obviously what I have to realize and research more about, but yea.
We shall see.

Dominoes
Please, to whatever shapes the universe in this world and beyond.
Make do with what you have of me, and make things fall in place ... at least into some semblance I can understand.

---

Prose
I walked in a cold room, intentionally.
I would have turned on the heat, if I knew what would warm me.
Warm this cold intuition, the still exact observation.
Far from clinical, closer to intimacy
I wish I knew.
Why I walked in the cold room.
I can't say I know, but I know I did not wonder.
I didn''t have the need, there was not wanting.
Just the motions of one foot before the other.
Touching the cold frame of the door before the cement plates.
Chill.
Tell me why.
Don't rush, just whisper to me.
Why do I return to you.

Attached to the Flesh

---

There's something about the institution of marriage I don't quite trust. Like Valentine's and how it has become commercial. But I do love the idea of a public celebration of commitment.
I am in love with the grace of it, the message it promises.
I would be obsessed if I had the money to indulge in it or if they had 'Gay Marriage Magazines'.
Well, just a bit.
Oh shut up!
You know would to give half the chance to keep it a secret from the world.

Sneaky tits
It all boils down to wether we can skirt close or as far away from discovery, does it.
Its all relative - the further we are from slef-accountability, the more balls we get. (Yes, you women have them too; fleshier & higher placed too)

Never really there
I'm treading between mediocre work and deadlines.
There's pride to be found someplace there 'tween as well but its too quickly and too commonly an excuse to just perform. And to perform satisfactorily to someone else's expectation. Apply this theorem to everything shitty in your so called 'professional' working life.
Then sigh, take deep breathes and grind away again - while the media proposes otherwise.
Hypocrites! All of us.

Vows
"Do you promise to be there for all the fuck-ups even though it wasn't your fault and take blame for shit that happens even when you realize you are responsible and don't care?"
Yea, I need him to say "I do" to that.
At the aisle, in front of everybody.
That'll do.
And I'll be happy.

Imoortality and Eaternity
I feel like I want to see everything in any and several lifetimes, but I wouldn't like to know I'm outliving experiences either.
Crap.
Not quite a blessing, glancing as a curse.


Hub bub
So the drama.
Yea, I'm in Sentral Drama Sentral.
Oh yea.
So why aren't I getting any guy-on-guy loving in theatre.
Bastiches.
Yes, this is my swearing post.
So eff-off.
No, really and hopefully shoot up on me.
Try it.
I'm tasty.

Words
I wonder what it will sound like to perform all my prose and tiny bits of poetry in a long string together. How would it sound? A cacophony? Enlghtening, chaotic nad alarmingly bizarre and eccentric.
I tell you what? I'll try it.
When there's a poetry reading / performance reading - I'll try and be there to do it.
Or just fuck it all up in the car on the way there and improv the whole batshit thing.
Now, kiss me you fool.
Feel me up and plant me white seedlings of lurve.
---

Prose: Ode to Lurve

Beat beat beat
The heart or the penis
Suck suck suck
Life juices both abstract and literal
My ode
Ode to lurve.

Ground my heels to the sky
Touch pits and tits
Love love love
Will be my fuck fuck fuck
My load
Load of lurve.

Flagging for lapping
Tongue swirling to heaven
Woo hoo hoo
Please pleasure for sure
My body
For lurve.

This is my load,
Eat my ode,
for lurve.

Imprudent Choices Acct.

----

Spin Doctor
Because I feel theres so much on the table right now. So many beats to listen to, so much choice of rhythm and tracks. The sheer experimentation possiblity of mixes, fades and reverbs ...
Each one distinct but harmonising together.
What do I do?
I don't want someone to tell me what to do because I see so many choices, it would make me lose whatever virtual control I may already have on this decision. Its a delight to be taciturn in these matters but alas, alas, alas.

Focus
Its the buzz word for now.
At least I believe it for what I need, so I can find some sort of decent direction, path, journey, destibnation, whatever!

Class in Session
There looks to be a great class at Sentral Market soon. By Instant Cafe, I think. End of May.
Only 12 seats, RM 100 for 2 weekends (Sat & Sun) mornings.
Send in sample writing - learn how to write and develop scripts for theatre, and playwrights.
Shit!
I work Saturdays. I can't commit to it, unless I take 2 days off (both Sat's) which is a damned shame of a bummer coz I'm technically still on probation and I'm already taking 4 days off in May to go to Penang for the ToS "Screwed' production.
Shit, shit shit.

Next
Yea, the movie with Nicholas Cage as a magician who can see the possibilities of the future.
It sounds ... B - gradish.
More and more so, everytime i read or hear about it.
A mish-mash of B styled themes and popular culture thrown together with a dash of current tings and latest fads, stuffed with a boatload of hodge podge of cliches.
Bla bla bla
That about sums up my feelings.
He should do porn ... oh I dont know .... for for fuck's sake I guess.
And yes I made a pun ... :D
And I won tickets.

Warriors of Thespia.
I should probably journal out some progress on things.
But I know I'm bad at it so let's not pretend about it.
La dee la.
I'm reviewing some of my written material (scripts) to see if any of it is good enough to be re-written or adapted or just tuned up for a 20 - 30 minute piece. What kind of development cana ut use ot need in that span of time?
If nothing else, what needs to be told. Or I'll just wink about and find something to drive the play further. Its about the story, the performance, the piece, about everything in the end. But winding down to one simple note.
It has to begin and end there.

Wordy Gurdy
I like the word 'delegate'.
Its just unfortunate I dont get to do that much.
---

Prose
We'll go to the dreaming
In a state caught, in the nets of asleep and awake
We'll see the mother eye of the moon,
And her father's burnished copper coin, on the shoreline.
Craggy grumpy jagged shadows
Old mama's wrinkles crinkling in tune and time.

We'll go to the nation
Svelte lips of the mountains, laced with seeds
Badges of honor worn by thrushes,
Red with pride, purple of exhaustion.
We see,
We know the mother's pride,
her winking knowing eye to old mama.
Women secrets, they mirth and cackle
The father stoic, determined and boldly drawn still.

We'll go to the dreaming
Black flavour of poppies, sparkle dark on snow
You see me, wandering the silver moon,
Holding womentalk to my bosom close
Naked, 'cept the words written on skin.

Sullen sycophants

---

Lace and Leather
It rains everyday and then when the sun comes out, the glares full on the wrath of its heat.
Like scenes from the memory.
Because I remember what it was like before, mulling about the house trying to get things, always between the mishap fo resting and wanting more and the greedy need to do something, anything. I know what its like now, wanting to return to that state as well.
We always want to go back to the other side, green or not.
Because its familiar.

Workloss
Besides my sanity - which I probably should have seen coming a mile away, from erractic 'creative' types and drama-donnas!
A good friend of minen lost his job today.
Yeah, I know he was on probation and companies are liekly to fire you on the very last month coz they still wanna use you anyways, coz they're too lazy to look for a replacement meanwhile. But it makes me think how tenous my work here is.
I'll help him find something.
I should be careful, regardless of how much work they may give me here - pushing aside the deadlines that stretch beyond my probation deadline, I know I should tread carefully still here. There are no promises in this life. No real ones, just thin veils of hope.

Staging Area
I don't believe I'll divulge the kind of drama that went on during my production. There's a time and place for that and that moment is sitting with me for a drink out in the open revelling in face to face laughter and momentous shared humility in the industry.
But its over for most part.
Most part.
Till the trip to Penang - and the twelve gods help me keep peace of mind on play there.

Ambitions
Maybe it is.
I'm nurturing this feeling, that I want a production. I don't care wether its in my name. And frankly (with george), I don't really care how my name appears, should it appear - but I want somebody's stories told.
Thats what it feels like.
Right now, the voice of "Kung Tau Fu" is telling me tales, whispering her dreams of dying.
I crave to hear her speak through an actor, to see her light up on stage virtue to the lighting designer, the stage manager to call her on-stage for her limelight and her close-up on the dressing room. Can I find a producer who's willing t lend her the block to which to stand and face the world?
I long for the tiny hushes of her family, however broken and misunderstood - her comrades-at-arms in this sexual war of misconprehension and misunderstanding.
Even if I don't hear the applause, the deafening claps, the clamour of the audience; I know secretly, the silent breathes are more than I already need .... or have.
Her story is told.
And she can die in peace.

Emo-schemo
I cried running her lines last night while driving to pick up a friend for a drink.
I drew her into me and allowed her to use my tongue.
And I was bereft when she left. But I had to let her leave, or I would be too swept up.
I need to be careful.
So I don't slap every member of the audience who doesn't 'get' it.

How would I be?
I don't know how I'll be if left to lead people. I don't think I ever really have, at least not in full capacity. Maybe it won't even occur to me in the end.

Notice.
Yes, for all of you.
I will be opening a slot in my planned production next year. It seems really far away but its not. I have to find a producer, auditions, stage manager and sponsors. If you take auditions into account, the final FULL finished, prim and polished script has to be in, much less than a year. Months ahead if I'm lucky.
So if you have any stories you feel empowered to tell - tell them,
If not to anyone, then to me if you can.
But make sure it really belongs to them, the character.
Their voice, not yours.
And remember its about self discovery like all things, but in this instance - it will drive us all. Sexual discovery, awakenings and broken veils.
Please.
And I will beg no more.
---

Prose

" ... i will feel no more pain"
" ... i only cause pain"
" ... i am the mistress of evil"
" ... always have, until my last ..."
" ..."

Millieu in Dance Steps

Failings
So my blog is refusing to post up pictures Its not matter, its not like it really makes that much on a contextual difference, since it was really for aesthetics meanderings really.

Catching up
There's a whole lot, I know.
There's still artwork, gift arts, scripts, stories, games, characters, gods, worlds etc ...
But I've not strayed too far and I can reel myself back in now that I'm somewhat settled in my new place of work. Somewhat is being empasized here IF you didn't know already.
Sorry - being condesceing, gawd, I hate it when its meant sincerely.
Don't worry, you're not too far off yourself from knowing what I mean.
Patience, grasshopper.

Dramatics
As usual, showtime is this week. Wish us many broken legs and for some of us ... broken dreams, Particularly one cast members, though I suspect a few more will follow. If nowhere else, but that deep recess of a list I call 'respect'.
I've been fraternizing a bit more with the tech and production end of things, and I'm emphatizing way too much with them. I've started to get quietly angry for the same reasons both with them and for myself.
I'm going to be a mean, mean, nasty mother-fucka of a stage manager (sigh)
And here I thought I'd have to learn to be nicer and more ... tactful.
If nothing else subtle.

Professional tact
Which does bring me to my next point.
Whether or not I'll attempt my hand at stage management, directing or even producing - I think there will be a mystery murder. Perhaps even a multiple homicide. Its in the stars. And all over them. Fallen stars, dead actors, at my own hands - when I strangle them for incompetence and attitude problems!

Smidgen and dabbles
I want to sing.
I want to direct.
I want to produce.
I want to stage manage.
Its suicide to want to do all four at once of course. I'm anything but suicidal, homicidal maybe, not not slashy slash slash. No offence to emo'ers out there. You do what you have to.
I believe 3 are doable in the recent future.
I have plays.
Some are half fetched but I love them all. The diffficulty know is to choose favourites.
And we all now, even parents have favourites no matter what they tell the world.

Working titles for pieces I'd like to see (from my vault):

The Ugly-Stepsister:
A tale of sisters, murders, lies, and guilt.
Happily ever after:
Transforming piece of 3 princesses, 3 gods, 3 girls - all in that order.
Life in Fuchsia:
A marriage is written in the stars, but infidelty, insecurity and insanity visits.
Confessions of a Black hearted, cold Mistress of Evil:
An entire length of a death of a Mistress of Evil, each death punctuated by drama and beauty.
Four Queens (The Pussy Funeral):
A house of queens; men who live together as friends under a fragile demeanor of strength, pride and tenacity. The all begin their journey of discovery with the death of their house pussy. Poor Pussy.

In the Works:
The Wizzle Stick Wars
Broken Ventricle
Pixel Days (Life in Cyberworld)

Instinctual
Thats how I like to play my games, cyber or board.
Which brings to mind. I've pretty much lost my gaming friends. I was speaking to my stage manager last night and YES! She plays computer games, the sort I like as well (tho' I generally stay away from FPS personally).
Anyway I digress.
I like to just play. I'll have a simple strategy and I'll be agressive when I feel like 'effin it all at the end. But generally, its a looksie, tryout.
Yeah. Aggro players love to hunt me down and strategists hate the unpredictability.
Its one of those scissors, paper, stone things, isn't it. How this is relevant to anything else ... I dont know.
Really. I do not know.
Now quit pestering me with your problems.

Blues
Cute, the iTune iMac randomly picked a selection of Jazz to play.
Speaking of which, nearby outside KLpac.
You know these shops. MyShop, MyPlace Apartments, MyCafe, MyPub, MyCleaners ... yeah, its the whole MyVi thing. Well recently, I saw MyBatteryShop (car) ....
I did not see that coming.
Now let's postulate.

Homestead
Its almost the middle of the year.
I'm slowly going to realize the possiblity, the very real possiblity of moving out. Arguments aside, at the core, there will be a very centralized notion of practicality.
This is of course, tempered by a measure of saving sanity and a dash of regaining senses. If I'm lucky I'll get a dollop of personal satisfaction.
Ok, now I'm a little hungry.
Stop ...
Stop ...
Relax.
One dollar at a time.
Just save enough for a downpayment for rental. At least that much and it doesnt pan out and it has to be delayed to later in the year, I'll just have more saved up. If its next year, then I know I'll have extra to go travelling at the end of the year.
Yes, I must learn to love myself.
Simple, easy concept.
Terribly hard to follow through.
Just be careful, LOVE yourself - not pleasure, not adore, not admire, not indulge .... but have a tangible, real feeling of genuine appreciation.

There ... its done.
At least for today.
---

Colours burn

---

Queries
When am I going to realize there's a certain insanity in everything I do.

When am I going to be comfortable knowing there are various talents my age and younger, both more successful in their chosen creative field (or is it just more media coverage) without feelind the subtle pangs of wasted regret through the years.

Survivor
There are things I need to let go off to survive.
One of them is my sanity.
Almost voluntarily, to get through the day - I have to be willing to let it go.

Especially my eyes.
I'll my eyes most.
After a client color combination for acid green and magenta.
After a day of putting it together.

Oh, I'll miss my eyes.
---

Prose
I'm coming down high
I'm climbing the soul of rivers
I ring the bell of dinner
And the hound comes a-callin'
The dark wisps, shaping pussies in the willows beckon'
And then I am home.

Idle Crown

---

Brewing storms
Ok, there's a bit of thunder and lightning here.

Thunder from home -
It revolves around guilt, shame, embarrasment and pride. All of which costs me a half day's work. And none by my actions. Its the paternal source. Nutshelled, he tampered with mt car, left the light off, drained my battery, screwed my headlights and it took my 2 days of frustration to get it all right and juggle my time between work, theatre and home. Each one, lovingly providing a different stress of sorts.
Like a multi-focused shiatsu treatment to induce migraine.

Lightning from theatre -
A few discussions here and there to watch out for pitfalls, as realistic or unrealistic as they may , a gameplan for the worst case scenario might be in order. Case in point, we have some logistics problems, coupled with some worry that not everyone may make it to Penang at the end. I won't say its being pessismistic but the cast and crew arriving up is LARGE and its a possibility. I'd just like the show to go on, even without some actors or plays - though I know everyone would like to be there. But circumstances, no?

I won't peruse through the details, because its been done.
Its no longer fresh in my mind, and heart.
So it'll pass by easier in my memory and writing.

But it does churn the bowels.

Opportunity
Its weird, how you can go looking for some jobs while uemployed and have no bites, yet once you begin working - there's a few very GOOD and readily available Vacancies that come into contact.
Bah!
Even oppotunities to be in a workplace with a couple of cute guys around.
Double Bah!

Aging and death
Ok, not quite as morbid; I do feel like my metabolism is slowing down. I can .... assure my feeling, my gut instinct thats coaxing me into slowing down. To understand the coined term 'my body is betraying me'.
And every betrayal, even those you expect can still be surprising.

If I've not mentioned it before - I believe I will grow into an angry man, if I'm not already one.

Distraction
I may risk jeapordising some critical and personal information here (not mine, coz I'm all for people knowing my business), but I may be pleasently distracted in future productions.
Let's hope not too distracted.

And for those who have the know-how to put 2 and 2 together.
Please keep your 5 cents to yourselves. Its a personal issue and, please do not push your curiosity on others in this regard. Rude, obnoxious and lastly, if not least - very inconsiderate and unbecoming of professional behaviour if you were to act in disregard on this matter.

Bug me all you like, but know this.
I will not appreciate should I know that anyone I know personally, has jeapordized this opportunity.
Hell may hath had a fury like a woman scorned, but trust me when I say - she learnt her tactics from a gay man.
Age has embittered me, and theres little fact more lethal and an aged queens claws.
---

Allo Voile

-------

Ends wit
A short entry today.
It begins ... yes, work then rehearsals and little to none in between. I inch and squeeze whatever time I can out to spend with old friends and reconnect with other old acquiantances. Its almost as if, there were little time to meet new people, lest I be more casual about all my relationships and real friends.
Which seems like a dear waste. Time spent with them is greatly loved and it would be regrettable to hasten to make light of our time and conversations.

Time
I want more time to do things.
To finish others.
And allow some to begin ... afresh.
---

Prose
Three random things lay before me.
Stuff, recessive thoughts no one gave worth.
Slipped through the cracks of sanity.

I could name them.
They would leave no trace.
Not in your memory nor heart.

Granules running south.
Clinging to a slick surface.
Running, lacking the will to walk.

No wings to spread.
No sails to set.
These three come before me.
These three random things.
These things which lay before me.

I'll sweep away.
Washed by their insignificance.
Lost.
---

Three things and Kings

-------

Triadic Fortunes

Old Faces
I havent used my chats and messengers, so I popped in and kinda forgot about it all through the workday. And lo' ... suddenly! "Is that you, gary?"
It was Susie.
Yea! Susielin - someone who shared a great passion for the camera eye as my Ex, Evan. She's in Hawaii now and she seems to be doing alright. I like looking at her pictures and now more so since it captures life, hers and more in Hawaii. It translates so much when you feel more personal to the photographer.
Yea to Susie! the Girl with the Camera.

Old Voices
I called Flo (Florence), after taking a look at her Flickr Portfolio online. In fact, I decided to chat with her while waiting in traffic leaving the city. Yes, I had to do something other than look at cars on the road ...
And we talked.
About graphics in general, and how we were doing, where we've been professionally and where to go career-wise. It felt good to connect and it made me realize something.
I know, I have ... very few design friends.
Several only, when I should be networking more. And from those few, I find out many old acquaintances and college mates in design school ended up doing above-the-line design. Where's all the below-the-line designers ?
Of the creative line - I know some actors, but mostly I know writers.
Theathre writers, authors, poets, literati and I'm thinking WTH?!?
Where is this directon leading me?
Which brings me to another thought ...

Calling
If you want to promote something, you get a friend who helps you promote, think of ideas - someone who probably does marketing, has some business or advertising sense. if you want a particular dress - you call a friend who can fashion design or at least help you shop. If you want to try a new recipe, you call cooks bakers at least someone you know who can professionally cook. You want to hear a new piece of music, you seek your musical friends, better if they are professionals. You even bug these friends ....
But if you want to design a card or just .. design anything; you're likely to do it yourself first.
Why?
Why not look for profesesional friends, and tho' a few do.
Most don't.
Do we all inherently think we all can do it, by simple fact that the 'design' programs are available for the layman? Is accessibility a farce or an illusion to allow the casual person to design?
What did I spend years in school for?
I'm a big supporter of friends and people being progressive, learning new stuff, I don't mind taking them through the steps and dynamics of design. I love knowing that they can know a bit more about what it means to design ... to produce art and expression.
but what does it mean? Do my own skills get neglected because I'm willing so share what works? Do I become selfish about the knowledge?
Should I offer and get rejected because obviously I can't produce what idea they have in their heads and minds ... and that showing them a little mean they can do it themselves?
Does everyone think my job and skills as completely replaceable by anyone with an inkling to use Photoshop?

Clouds parting
I saw the divine showing off today.
Shards of light like flat blades of butcher knives slicing down from wave-patterned shores of clouds, shadows and illumnations.
Angled at the edges and flashing brightest miles ahead of me as I drove.
Teasing me with an unseen path of light.
Oh, you naughty naughty being.
Oh, you tease.

Two more
Two more weeks will showtime.

Prose
The motors in the grinding bowels in the cranials of my head whirl with the mess of twisty mazes corrupted by thoughts of the external and internal tourmoil.

There's a war I hear going on.
There's a peace I know that no one hears.
There's a cry from the dark, no one sees.
You don't know.
You don't want to know.
No sky breaks open for the proud.
No ground opens before the wicked
To swallow their sins and replenish the weak.
There's no clamour for the shaded.
There's no word for the strange.
There's a judge and jury we see in a mirror each morning.
We end our days each evening looking in that mirror.

Brolly Dolly

-------

Rain
Weathered friends aside, the cats and dogs fly sky high.
Traffic runs amok and the moon glows single eyed brights across the night, the clouds part in its glory.
And I speak to old friends, now and back then.

Brevity and the Afterlife
Yup, thats what happened the last few days in a nutshell.
Cheng Meng lept me busy all weekend.
Its seems the dead (if you aren't aware, we chinese burn paper replicas of real world items that we feel the dead might need in the afterlife) - as a trend because us Chinese ghosts are by far the most modernistic in the world, - require Viagra.
Yes, we enterprising chinese spirits are well up on our latest health technologies, Viagra!
So my Aunt burnt her some paper birth control pills.

Momentus
I'm at KLPac now.
Doing work on the dual-core I-power MACs.
Both of them.
Bah-hum-bug.

Forked choices
To have options, perhaps in light of saving money on petrol and time - I may move to an apartment of place closer to KL or even within the heart of the beast itself. I have a good friend sussing out places for me. But I did get an interesting thought.
I was helping my ex move into his new place after shopping for some simple furniture on my off-day. Oh yes, I did get a short stint of rest.
I was thinking, maybe I could semi-bunk over on late weeknights or something. His place isn't far at all to my workplace and would save me the traffic, petrol and trouble of leaving the city. We have to discuss boundaries of course, so we're clear. But I guess when you're better off as friends, there's little danger of horrific temptation to start thing over, right?
That and the fact I'm really over him.
I've let go of any romantic notions.
But I don't want him getting any ideas, He can start all the drama externally with his own network of friends. I don't care, I don't know them but yea ... let him do all that.
I just have a place to bunk and save money in the long run with good company to boot.
Was thinking of a getting a PS2 as well.
Splurge ...

Dramatism
I had a major migraine at the Drams and missed a small case of drama.
Tsk tsk, I was even in the room ... ( sigh ) Guess you can't catch them all. The people at Pokemon lied.

Doting
I've been getting some lovely SMS's from a Malay guy in Cheras.
'Nuff said for now.
---

Prose
Delight, Ignite
Enigmatic and Distant.
Make-up for death,
Acronym for the dead.
From the spark to the end.

Excer-berative Words

-----------

Loops and Hoops.
A few things in the last 48 hours.
I had another kiss.
It was rejuvenating, and this time we spoke. The friendship is remain, and hopefully grow - but if sex was a possibility, it will be in physical consummation only. The pleasures of the body will not change (much) the more intellectual compatibility we share.
That sounds .... decent.
Acceptable - as far as I can go without pushing boundaries, his limits anyways.
But I'm ok with it.
And it ... was refreshing.

By and by, the room I planned to book the weekend away from home. My eye of the storm.
My secret plan ... is bust.
A friend called up in need, and though I have saved enough for a bit of indulgence on the side, its more important to help out a friend. So my hotel room money went to him. He needs something to eat next month, until he can get on his feet and get a decent job anyhow.
Just one more month, I think thats all he needs.
Or I'll smack him upside down.

Luxuries
On the other hand, the spa reservations are a go-go.
I'll ... I'm going to look forward to that.

Serenity
Things are calmer, if for awhile.
Temperate - moderate - placid.

Pander wander
Its the last day here at Jalil. The contract is done.
I bought cake - coffee cream log for everyone and for some ladies, a box of assorted muffins, hand picked.
I feel like Martha Stewart.

Rasterize
At best, I've dipped into a simmering feeling, no longer boiling.
The pessimist says: It'll come, just wait. The Rage.
The optimist goes: This is over, it'll only get better.
The realist concludes: Yea ... right.
---

Prose
Lilting, I adore that word.
Irregard its meaning, discard its use, ignore function.
I like.
Thats all that is important now, like many things.
That matter.

No photo's allowed - said the spider

---------

Slammin'
There's a Slam poetry event coming here, actually here!
Thats what got me started on this whole performance poetry kick anwyays - with OMG-series (TheOralStage). and I found out Sharanya's involved in it.
Let's keep to the spirit of honesty and say ->What!?!
I'm fully glad she's involved in something like this and she's bloody great at what she does and I think she'll blow everyone's away ... but I thought it could have been my thing. At least I would somehow be involved in this in some way.
I guess not.

A thousand words.
I'm no good.
I can't take a freakin' decent picture, ever. All the darn shots we did for promo's and front-of-house for the 'Screwed' production - all pretty much unusable.
It takes forever to sift through the mountains and years (I don't take my own pics much, coz well ... I don't) of photographs to find a decent one.
Apparently, I dont do so well if I can't move.
Non-animated seems to be my worst feature.

Deciding Melodia.
I want to write songs.
Am I being ambitious ... or simply just naturally curious.
Its going to swallow me up again, I can feel the churning of the muscles, along the feeding orifice of an overwhelming glut.
I want to try.
And I don't mean, write a diddle, piddle, pot and leave it on a scrap someplace or a whistling tune in a memory - but have it performed, sounded, sung ... by anyone!
:: You can cross-dress the sun to a moon, but you'll never hide the flaming queen ::

Buergoning
I'm reminded of 'Renaissance'.
Where every idea must be attempted. Every thought must be practised. A delicious study of science and rationality as applied to the creative flight and fancies of arts.
Perhaps I am borne to a period that does not need me.
Perhaps I was borne out of time.
Out of place.

---

Prose

The passing flit and flow of time stopped for a moment. Its swayed uncertain in the doorway, hesitant but blossoming with piqued interest. It had to know. It must know.
So they entered.
Time crept in slow but swift, silent but announcing. And I knew I had it.
It was a flame's shadow away but subconsciously I knew it was further. It was further than the chimes of the grand-clock in the hallway, next door, across the room of the mansion beyond the gates, far into the lands next to mine.
Far from my heart.
Its what dreams are like.
They seem hesitant, but truly they are not. They never were, even in the face of fear. They face the same whether it be horror or delight. Master and slaves find meaning but no names to cling upon. The chains shackling the hands of time are called so because they have to be to exist. There's more, but only the blind and deaf know of them. The mute becomes its prophets.
They lay on the fringe of my mind.
The flickering edges, the faded corners,, it sleeps.
Comfort, it drew away from me. Its curiosity sated, its curse passed to me.
And I draw without, toward and distant until I pass a doorway.
And I am hesitant but sure.
I want to go inside.
I must know.

Stormbreakers and makers

-------

Wishes of Fishes
As much as I don't want to sound angry all the time.
As much as I'd like to just write about my day, life and experiences - it just seems like its chockful of wrath and frustration, not chocolates.

Once again, the whole paternal issue yesterday night.
The key phrase this turnabout of time "I called you down here (I'm in my towel) so you can ask your mother how a son should talk to his father" - yes, apparently I wasn't looking at him straight in the face when he was telling me there was some supper in the back kitchen.

I have to get out.

I'm working damned bloody hard to get out now. I barely have weekends, but I know at the end, I'll get some extra cash. A little more something to get away.

Stone of Ages
I was so angry, I barely spoke to my Mom this morning.
I didn't thank her for the breakfast she packed, because she knew I barely ate anything in the morning, as I rush off to work. I didn't stop for a few seconds just ot nod and acknowledge her ... and I was so angry, at myself in the car driving to work, I stopped in the car park and felt tears.
I was so angry, I cried.
The quiet kind.
The impassive face.

Cake and cream
I tell myself not to feel guilty that at times like these, I wish most for romance. Something to indulgently ... mine. Just mine, and no one else's.
I know it isn't as real, as tangible, just trivial.
But don't we all want that piece of dessert that does nothing important for us - except make us feel better for just a moment.
---

Prose
Theres something I should tell you.
There something you should know.
Its not something I can say.
Its not something you can listen to.
Its the words between words.
Its the sign between gestures.
Nothing marks its arrival.
Nothing leaves its passing.
You'll know when its gone.
Never when its here.
My name.
Tell me yours.
---

Fragili-tee

------

Karma
I had a pretty bad weekend.
Kind of.
It was weird.
But it pretty much all falls under this discussion.

I worked half day (sometimes longer) at KLPac. Nothing exceptional.
I pondered between staying there all day or meeting a friend in PJ. I had brought ticket for Vince, his BF and myself for a friends "3 Fat Virgins: Unassembled". Yea Pat!, in her directorial debut!
As I told Vince, hey, RM 20 (actually it was 25 but I covered the remainder coz it was my mistake telling them it was 20) - was all going to charity. So hey, let's do our bit for charity and good karma.
We even (before) and (after) the play - went to a games cafe to play a some board games. Cool, someone bought over Settlers and its renamed the Mage Cafe, with less but still good Board games all around galore!
However, I made a Boo-boo. We were suppose to pay for the games in the first session (before) but it wasn't billed. The second time (after), I thought we paid and told him, since we came back to play- we could be billed as one visit, granted we went missing for a few hours for the play. And we left, with me only realizing later we didn't even pay the first time.
Vince says he wouldn't go back, it was their mistake really.
Me, I was feeling ambivalent, I would have gone back without qualms, but walking away also wasn't a bother.
Sunday morning. I treated it lazy, woke up late and did some work.
As the afternoon approached I got ready to go out and I noticed my USB 1 Gig flash drive was missing. SHIT!
I drove all day, retraced my steps to PJ and then to KL ....
I was pissed, at myself.
The one time I took it off my neck coz it got snagged (and I though could get lost) on my jacket zipper and I put it in my pocket. Great ....
Later in the evening, I rushed back to dinner at Subang Parade.
Then after that back to KL again to discuss my freelance web design gig (Elton) (which I needed my USB drive for).
Shit ...
I'm more pissed at the loss of content then the DAMN thing itself.
So I drove back and forth all day.
And I lost a F Driver.
And at night, when I caught the last half hour of Grey's Anatomy: the narrator George was talking about Karma.

WHAT THE FUCK!
---

Prose:

Angry at the sea, I tore the shore to bits.
Of sand.
Angry at the sky, I shred the winds.
Into clouds.
Angry at myself, I grew older.
and died alone.

Till the bulb burns out

--------

Pasted
I could post something work-related.
Art related, externally related -something tangible!
I could post substantials and current events of more material relations.
I could post the books I've read or will read or what to read.
The WIPs of artwork, the favourites around the web.
I coud post excerpts.
I could ...

Nothings stopping me.
I guess thats the point isn't it.

Stairways go both ways
Nothing really stops up from doing what we want or need. Except for those itself: want and need.
Its not often they both share the same lofty goals.
Its harder still to fulfill both.

So for every little boxed up category we have for our lives, to make it more coherent, understandable, - bearable - we compromise.
Between the two.
Treading the balance.
And to consciously (or subconsciously) take account for every word and action we commit outside ourselves.
Only to pander our myriad insecurities inside with abandon.

Romance
The scale has dipped back down to Nada-land, home of the Zilches.
They're all throwing the parade of the Barren and singing praises to Zip- their Zero deity of Nothingness.
Some hours in a day, I feel like saying yes to the first decent looking guy to approach me for any inappropriate acts of indecency. And then, yes to the next four, maybe six depending on mood.

Transitions
One more week here.
Must bear.
Gotta try and take off 2 days ealier here, so I can have some rest before starting at KLPac.

Dram Drama
I feel a little bad.
Just a wee bit, but it'll pass soon.
I reprimanded a my director (sort of) and my stage manager for not informing me of a rehearsal cancellation. I could have been nicer.
I guess thats where your age shows: You tend to take an older authoratative, no-holds-barred, no stepping back nor down stance when giving some youngin' a piece of your mind.
Been done is done.
Quick to anger, quick to pass.
I gave out hugs and all that- phew .... Hugs are magic, you know that.
Go ahead.

Dear Loverly
You know you should.
Go ahead. Give your favourite someone a hug today. In fact, give someone a hug everyday. Anyone, from family to friends.
its a common, warm heartfelt expression which takes little but means a lot.
And its healthy, I suppose, but I'm no doctor. I believe it does give off a good vibe nonetheless.
Its less committing than a kiss, I can tell you that!

(( hugs ))
---

Anger overload much?

---------------

---
Gone by
I need my days.
I have a feeling- I need to change rather drastically.
I can scent a rut storming in.
Like before a storm, as you skin softens from the flux of moisture and the shifting winds. The hue of the world from the eyes mute and dismay, and you know its going to rain. The impending silence between the noise grows insistent and aware.
Its coming.

Ride the waves
Should I draw ti out and ride it out?
Is there something I can do to outflank it?

I fray and soon sever.
i feel that way now or soon, whichever comes beckons first.

Going on the clock
While I wait for others at work to well, give me work for layout, what in Hades name am I suppose to do. I dawdle, and thus incite the wrath of peers who wonder if I'm too distracted or doing any work at all.
Well, ... GIVE me what i'm suppose to be doing!
Emphasis: Suppose to be doing. Not something I could or should do while waiting to do what I 've already done and waiting for others to give me what I'm hired to do.
I'm contracted, seriously.

Munchy Crunchy Centre
And yes, I AM distracted,.
Too many things.
Like how to get out of the house,
How to readjust to work- no matter what anyone says, there IS a Gaddammed period of transition, which is never EVER amiable. Or else it woudln't be a transition of change now, would it?
Yes, I know! You dipshit- change isn't easy (well, La Dee LAH!)
Work-related frustration and hum-drum. Gawd, DTP is sack-ass boring!
Home-related pressure (parental) soul-sucking dessicating death!
I'm hovering on the plateau on a barren romance, with the glowing stars brightly, just out of reach.
FUCK ...

I'm getting progressively and profoundly angry.
The quiet kind, the one that often gets mistaken for frustration. It gone past that now. Its in that quiet place that white and empty, the one that bursting with anticipation and excuse.
Rationales be damned, reason be scorned.
Grasping the edge of the ledge.
Snap
Crackle
Pop
---

Lesson Blue Regarde

-------------

There's a lesson to learn in there somewhere.
But i'm blind and bound to honour its camouflage.
Its the Malaysian way.

Desperado
I did have a rather productive weekend. The buzz word being productive placed rather contradictory in the same sentence as weekend. For emphasis, so you know.
But I like my rest.
I like to know I have the personal space and time to do my own, to be my own, whatever it is and whatever it can be.

I smite thee, necessity.
I savour your son, invention
And I shall spike his virgin essence with renewed vigour
on your hallowed shock and reverie.
Ignorant of your want, of your rancour.
His labour will taste fine, sweet, plush
I smite thee

Suite suite nights
I have this plan, yes.
This one opulent scheme, but will it pan out- we shall see.
It requires a hotel room.
Holiday Inn, thats sort of thing.
Yes
yes.

Tribulation and tribbles
Both the thrills and shivers at the new job.
Yea, like totally man.

But yea, like I recommend - if you don't want to really think but its still fun to listen to : Jack Black's Tenacious D - Pick of Destiny. Its brainless but musical and mostly a practice in impromptu scenes.


Prose
See above.

Blood Snow Jasmine Crow

--------

Ball bearing
This weekend is busted.
I've worked a half day (saturday) at KLPac and I'm putting in an extra full day at Bukit Jalil today (Sunday)
But there's some insane, twisted logic behind this for sure.
Being at KLPac means I get to sweep finish my contract work quickly. And out of the way. I also got verbal confirmation on being hired on a full time employment there ... in KL (partly groanin). Sundays work, is because my of current expertise in a program which they haven't anyone trained to do yet and it does mean helping them get out the last few set of books. I'm getting paid extra for sure. I may also take a day off during the week when its over. Just coz.
I may even use the day to call out a certain someone.

But baseline fact - I lost the weekend.
but in the process I told off this nice, but overly dependant guy (bordring on SMS stalking). I think he got the message. No matter how tactful one can and should be, no amount of etiquette quiet fixes some problems that require dire intervention of candor.

Sidelines
Beside the workload, what so there really?
My indecision to decide when I want to move out? How I will deal with the lingering issues of home while away from home?
I'm sure I'd figure something out by then - but for now, it nags.
Tugging tenaciously.
But I have to try and stick to principles.
My principles; the ones that make my life worth waking up to and looking back and knowing I did myself right.
Hey, no regrets, right?

Daisy Wheel
Only a few more weeks to the show - and I think I got one of my major roles down. The other, I gotta really devote some time to memorize the lines and do some intensive exploration.
I just need to filter out the bad shit that is, can and will happen.
I don't need it.
No more than I already have,
And bite my tongue.
Sometimes I feel absoultely Spartan about my words.

And yes,
300
men in loincloths and capes

Oh.My.Gawd.

It was a great story, somewhat cliche, (dialogue), a bit predictable but then again its an old tale and an epic legendary story so it follows narrative conventions of old (which is great in its way), but forceful, and intensive. Execution was lovely for a visual narrative.

but yea.
Muscles.
Skin
Flesh.

They can spear me anyday.

Prose
Ode, emote
scant delights
much sense it made to me
to know there wasn't any
said, my cerebellum
to the deaf cochlea.

---

Maris was blind, as was his lover.

-------

Wednesday
Was nonchalant and possibly frigid. Absolutely no personality.
The tribe has spoken.
I worked late, 'nuff said.

On to TODAY"S post.

Octopi
It ... hmm, seems a little weird.
So like someone is totally getting on my case about confirming a job especially with KLPac. As far as I can tell, they would take me, but I've yet to seal the deal coz my contract is still on its final two weeks here in Bukit Jalil.
There's quite a bit of work to do, but hmmm ... it would be so much easier to actually DO IT - if I'm there.
Then again, it would be so much easier to do it, if i WORKED there.
'nuff said.

Harlots! All of them!
I despise it when they say they have work for me - but I don't see anything ... until the last minute- there's a buttload of work. Now I get this.
What I don't get, is that when I see the buttload and work and go through it I wonder why it looks like a complete revision! If it was alteration of previous work, I've allowed time for it and still could have met the deadline.
But no .... they had a new editor come in at the last minute to make improvements which SHOULD ONLY be applied in the NEXT set of books. Doing it to the current series ... well it DOUBLES the time and workload and DISREGARDS the previous month's worth of layout and exercises.
Can you tell, I'm frustrated?
Don't worry - I'll be giving them a piece of my mind soon enough, Like on my last hour of employment here.

Sucker Fists
Wasn't too happy at rehearsals yesterday.
Just, feeling a little touchy and pissed so I got all bothered about a flippant commentary. but I'd rather work it out of my system by ranting or fuming rather than cause more drama by talking to the person involved - mostly coz I know I'll get over it and nones the wiser and I'm better off. Its was really some small thing I could deal with anyways, give some time alone to simmer and calm down.
And I'm feeling a lot better now, I'll probably forget about it by the weekend though.
So I'm kinda glad I decided to deal with it quietly without dragging others in. I cannot control what others will do should I confront the annoyance, but I can control myself.
Cool.

Sucker Punches
I kissed a guy yesterday night.
After rehearsals I had to rush off - I met him for a late supper and before I dropped him home, we kissed.
And kissed again.
It seems to begin like that. The quick yet impossibly slow kiss, then tender and soft. Moist and delicate, because its uncertain. So unsure of reciprocation, it verges on trembling but buries it quickly beneath false confidence and culturally ingrained machismo.
And just as quickly as it ends, another begins, longer ... languid, lazy but picking up pace.
Given his youth, he grew excited - given my broken romantic sabbatical, I grew sensual.
And it ebbed and flowed.
It it descended to short slow breaths.
And I sent him home.

It wouldn't work out.
I've accepted it and I respect his stalwart decision. I constantly remind myself so I wouldn't fall too deeply in a trap I can so easily make my own demise. Nonetheless, I can enjoy what can be and whats is there.
Casual and light.
Yes, thats where I'll settle watching at the shore for now. The waves lapping and inviting but I daren't touch the deeper waters.

My last kiss was last October.
This was long overdue.

My Prose:
It was Above me.
In between the spaces.
Away from the rationale.
Tucked.
---