-------Wishes of Fishes
As much as I don't want to sound angry all the time.
As much as I'd like to just write about my day, life and experiences - it just seems like its chockful of wrath and frustration, not chocolates.
Once again, the whole paternal issue yesterday night.
The key phrase this turnabout of time "I called you down here (I'm in my towel) so you can ask your mother how a son should talk to his father" - yes, apparently I wasn't looking at him straight in the face when he was telling me there was some supper in the back kitchen.
I have to get out.
I'm working damned bloody hard to get out now. I barely have weekends, but I know at the end, I'll get some extra cash. A little more something to get away.
Stone of Ages
I was so angry, I barely spoke to my Mom this morning.
I didn't thank her for the breakfast she packed, because she knew I barely ate anything in the morning, as I rush off to work. I didn't stop for a few seconds just ot nod and acknowledge her ... and I was so angry, at myself in the car driving to work, I stopped in the car park and felt tears.
I was so angry, I cried.
The quiet kind.
The impassive face.
Cake and cream
I tell myself not to feel guilty that at times like these, I wish most for romance. Something to indulgently ... mine. Just mine, and no one else's.
I know it isn't as real, as tangible, just trivial.
But don't we all want that piece of dessert that does nothing important for us - except make us feel better for just a moment.
---
Prose
Theres something I should tell you.
There something you should know.
Its not something I can say.
Its not something you can listen to.
Its the words between words.
Its the sign between gestures.
Nothing marks its arrival.
Nothing leaves its passing.
You'll know when its gone.
Never when its here.
My name.
Tell me yours.
---
Theres something I should tell you.
There something you should know.
Its not something I can say.
Its not something you can listen to.
Its the words between words.
Its the sign between gestures.
Nothing marks its arrival.
Nothing leaves its passing.
You'll know when its gone.
Never when its here.
My name.
Tell me yours.
---
7 comments:
I do hope all this hard work pays off for you in the end.
Your life sounds so up and down that theres nothing wrong or surprising about wanting something calm and constant to turn to. you're just looking for that in romance, as do many other people. I see no need for you to feel guilty.
I sometimes almost feel sorry for your mom. As I don't know her (I kinda wish I did), these are just the impressions I get from what you say, so forgive me if I'm wrong. But it seams to me like she wants to support you, or at least let you live your life the way you wish to but she's caught between you and your dad.Maybe if she was stronger, but more likely if she was less asian she'd have told him where to stick it by now. But the whole thing about the man being the head of the family and the rest following is too strongly indoctrinated for her to break out of that pattern. Also, you break so many traditions she's probably not entirely happy about it all, so she's a little lost about whether your dad might be right in trying to force you to conform. In the end though she just wants to keep her family together and not loose you... Or I'm just full of shit.
Rant..rave.. let it out, Gary. is is a good thing that you are writing.. at least u are venting this way!
I know these r tiring and trying times in regards to your family but when opportunity arrives, you will b free from the cancerous spiritual sucking he does!
you got me.. your friends... to be there for u...
So much anger of late, G. --- hope things get better. I wish I was angry myself but just feeling blah of late. Could be worse...
*sayang* Gary.
Hmmm. I cannot say I understand your frustrations.. But one thing I do know- no parents are out to ruin their children's lives, intentionally :)
hey. your blog has become my new favorite. you're gut-wrenchingly honest and I really appreciate that. so thanks.
hope the family seems better tonight - it often feels that way, doesn't it? at the end of the day, our parents aren't that bad... mostly. i guess moving out is necessary for all of us to move on. good luck, yeah?
*hugs*
p/s: and you have the right to rant, anytime k. i miss you guys!
Rav'n
Yea, I get it. My life is't about to revolve the door of contentment. Ever.
I know my Mom well enough to want certain things for her. To know that if I can afford it - to finally send on that European my Dad 'promises' they'd take but will never do. I want to do that for her at least.
And its true.
Culture (non bacterial) is sometimes to strongly ingrained that even the strongest women are bound by the softest traditions. The quietest beliefs seem to cling the strongest against their better judgement. And I have no doubt if she were any less Asian, her husband would be on the receving end of a lashing.
And its true. As much as one can be both proud and discouraged of their unconventionality - I'm not certain what I can do but be myself. No matter how many traditions it breaks.
Friggin-Dildo
I admit. Writing does seem to be a better outlet than others I can think of.
I'd consider boxing, but even thats too expensive right now,. The space, training, equipment and time.
Thanks.
Kenny M
Hey, thats my world - love it or leave it.
If you ever met me as a real life friend, you'd know I'm full of wrath, rage and my sarcasm and wit is primarily fueled on that anger.
And things can Always get worse.
No could be's or should be's ... just will be and can be's.
Doreen
Hugs are one form of comfort you can offer.
Not everyone can (or has yet) to offer my my dreamy, tall, dark haired , gorgeous, blue-eyed sex-guy, so I'll settle for that.
And yes ... I'm well aware of the "good intentions of many" - after all the road to hell is paved with them.
Mel
hey, nice to see you about.
Hope classes and all aren't bummimg you?
As for being honest, I think we should all practise that more often. In some form that we can. Art, expression, theatre, writing ... and hope it bears the seed to personal serenity.
O' serenity ... sigh
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