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Welts
My face feels flushed yet drained.
The consideration, implication, no need for mention of his ... presence gives way to a turmoil of pressure building up in my chest. My eyes strain to be larger to fill the pools that ooze out from behind the shameless great pink matter in my head. The conscience is screaming into the silence to say and do something but all I can muster up is the machismo lessons in a boy's life, not to cry.
I hate this feeling, regret.
I've told myself many years ago to live and make my decisions without it. But his reminder, its sears and pricks the flesh resurfacing the oldest scars as the freshest wounds. Red, scarlet, and purple deep.
I've never given up on myself but its painful to know so many opportunities have gone by, when all I needed to was to start early. But I wasn't good enough, I couldn't be good enough citizen or person or human being if I didn't become who he wanted. I didn't of course, and I've become who I wanted but its tainted by the fact, he's found a new hobby to control. To dictate, to feel self indulgent and important over. A discipline to sharpen his empty talons into.
And the resounding realization I've too old and am long past some opportunities that could have made me ... content, or worse, happy.
A reminder that I've wasted too many years fighting who I wanted to become only to fall into the same trap, the similar pattern I wrecked myself so many days and nights to break free from.
Its a deep hurt, buried with years of guilt and exasperated breathe. Such a delicate sheer veneer of brusque civility is all I can afford to cultivate for the sake of sanity. Marked for a long jouncy and longer still. It doesn't come to an end, it ends full circle, even when the beginnings rotten to the core, it must end there.
I just want someone to .... just know I have someone I can call, just to listen to his voice telling me his day, so I can put aside my own problems and listen to him. I want that.
I almost achingly need that.
Or I'll go mad from the pounding in my head. This migraine of choices, practicality and obligation. This undigested bits of guilt, shame and duty pushing down on what could have been. what would have been.
Please.
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7 comments:
oportunities may be lost but its never to late to stop living in his eyes. Easier said than done I know. Get away. Living like that is doing you too much damage. if you can help it, don't wait the two years. In a way, you're constantly fighting a part of yourself and thats tearing you apart. its also to some extent (directly or indirectly) keeping you from achieving a lot of things that you want. Everything gets easier (calmer? simpler? less stresfull?) when you've distanced yourself from that influence. I know from experience and you should too (from your time in the US). If, at all, you can aford to (and I'm thinking thats one of the only reasons why you haven't yet) GET OUT!
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Yea.
I trust you.
And I get what you're saying.
Too much can happen in 2 years and its really just too dangerous to take the risk that it might get better. But I probably face the guilt that if I leave the house, I'm leaving him alone with my Mom. I don't know if I can ...
Yea well, I can probably try and I'll eventually get over it. But ... I know I'll always feel bad about leaving her in the house when I do.
Which is why I want her to go to Canada quickly. My sis is there, and her family is too.
I may get a decent job in KL, I guess and its a pretty good bet if I do - I'll reason out a place a lot closer to the city. Perhaps someplace in PJ.
Thank, really.
I appreciate your support and as always, your company and friendship. Even if I think I should do more.
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I'm sorry. I knew your mother was one of the reasons why you stay there, but its been so long since you've mentioned her that I actually forgot about that. I kind of though she was already in Canada or something. I thought you were alone there with him.
I know its not the same as having a partner to talk to, but calling overseas isn't that expensive these days. get yourself a phone card and give me a call sometime (I'll have to give you the number for Morley though, since I don't live with mom anymore). Or if you'd prefer I'll get one and call you every now and then. by now I know enough not to feed you anything that even vaguely sounds like platitude, so if all you need is someone to lsitent while you rant and vent I think I can manage that. Reading this new blog of yours, I think you might be using it in a healthy way for you. it reads like you're using it as an outlet to vent things rather than letting them stew inside. I've surfed my way thorugh a fair number of blogs. a lot of people angst and rant to get pity and support (deserved or not). I could be wrong, but that doesn't seam to be your reasons for doing it though. you just seam to want to let it out.
Yea, my Mom goes occasionally. Having a child every 1.5 years or so does mean she gets a rather decent break.
My sis was planning a fourth child, she must really want a daughter but ... a few days ago, one morning - she called right from the hospital she had a miscarriage. My mom would have gone up if the child was born of course, but I guess maybe not too.
As for the miscarriage, it isn't a sever case of anything. It was just 5 weeks in and a complication occurred. She'll do alright.
I have faith.
I will ask for you number when I can: emailing to your email ,using whats listed on the Iceman group of course.
As for working on this blog.
Yea, told myself, I got to get things going this year. Even from the smellest thing, like ... maintaining a blog. I said to myself : Put ONE entry in everyday - even if nothing happened -.
Anything.
Even random poetry, like i see some people do (winks)
Or maybe even upload my short plays here!?! (Altho' that might be unadvisable for copyright reasons and safety from plagiarism).
Yea,
hopefully by letting it all out - I wouldnt be so bitter anyore. Sarcasm has grown another continent in my psyche. I think they're beginning to breed.
Maybe .... some guy will find my thoughts interesting, hey ... like Lee Hom, or .some hot TV celebrity.
Ya never know ...
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I see that hopeful side of you hasn't quite been burried by the bitterness yet :P
and my poetry posts aren't random. they're on schedule every Thursday/Friday for Poetry Thursday.
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my poetry will be random :p
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