Excer-berative Words

-----------

Loops and Hoops.
A few things in the last 48 hours.
I had another kiss.
It was rejuvenating, and this time we spoke. The friendship is remain, and hopefully grow - but if sex was a possibility, it will be in physical consummation only. The pleasures of the body will not change (much) the more intellectual compatibility we share.
That sounds .... decent.
Acceptable - as far as I can go without pushing boundaries, his limits anyways.
But I'm ok with it.
And it ... was refreshing.

By and by, the room I planned to book the weekend away from home. My eye of the storm.
My secret plan ... is bust.
A friend called up in need, and though I have saved enough for a bit of indulgence on the side, its more important to help out a friend. So my hotel room money went to him. He needs something to eat next month, until he can get on his feet and get a decent job anyhow.
Just one more month, I think thats all he needs.
Or I'll smack him upside down.

Luxuries
On the other hand, the spa reservations are a go-go.
I'll ... I'm going to look forward to that.

Serenity
Things are calmer, if for awhile.
Temperate - moderate - placid.

Pander wander
Its the last day here at Jalil. The contract is done.
I bought cake - coffee cream log for everyone and for some ladies, a box of assorted muffins, hand picked.
I feel like Martha Stewart.

Rasterize
At best, I've dipped into a simmering feeling, no longer boiling.
The pessimist says: It'll come, just wait. The Rage.
The optimist goes: This is over, it'll only get better.
The realist concludes: Yea ... right.
---

Prose
Lilting, I adore that word.
Irregard its meaning, discard its use, ignore function.
I like.
Thats all that is important now, like many things.
That matter.

No photo's allowed - said the spider

---------

Slammin'
There's a Slam poetry event coming here, actually here!
Thats what got me started on this whole performance poetry kick anwyays - with OMG-series (TheOralStage). and I found out Sharanya's involved in it.
Let's keep to the spirit of honesty and say ->What!?!
I'm fully glad she's involved in something like this and she's bloody great at what she does and I think she'll blow everyone's away ... but I thought it could have been my thing. At least I would somehow be involved in this in some way.
I guess not.

A thousand words.
I'm no good.
I can't take a freakin' decent picture, ever. All the darn shots we did for promo's and front-of-house for the 'Screwed' production - all pretty much unusable.
It takes forever to sift through the mountains and years (I don't take my own pics much, coz well ... I don't) of photographs to find a decent one.
Apparently, I dont do so well if I can't move.
Non-animated seems to be my worst feature.

Deciding Melodia.
I want to write songs.
Am I being ambitious ... or simply just naturally curious.
Its going to swallow me up again, I can feel the churning of the muscles, along the feeding orifice of an overwhelming glut.
I want to try.
And I don't mean, write a diddle, piddle, pot and leave it on a scrap someplace or a whistling tune in a memory - but have it performed, sounded, sung ... by anyone!
:: You can cross-dress the sun to a moon, but you'll never hide the flaming queen ::

Buergoning
I'm reminded of 'Renaissance'.
Where every idea must be attempted. Every thought must be practised. A delicious study of science and rationality as applied to the creative flight and fancies of arts.
Perhaps I am borne to a period that does not need me.
Perhaps I was borne out of time.
Out of place.

---

Prose

The passing flit and flow of time stopped for a moment. Its swayed uncertain in the doorway, hesitant but blossoming with piqued interest. It had to know. It must know.
So they entered.
Time crept in slow but swift, silent but announcing. And I knew I had it.
It was a flame's shadow away but subconsciously I knew it was further. It was further than the chimes of the grand-clock in the hallway, next door, across the room of the mansion beyond the gates, far into the lands next to mine.
Far from my heart.
Its what dreams are like.
They seem hesitant, but truly they are not. They never were, even in the face of fear. They face the same whether it be horror or delight. Master and slaves find meaning but no names to cling upon. The chains shackling the hands of time are called so because they have to be to exist. There's more, but only the blind and deaf know of them. The mute becomes its prophets.
They lay on the fringe of my mind.
The flickering edges, the faded corners,, it sleeps.
Comfort, it drew away from me. Its curiosity sated, its curse passed to me.
And I draw without, toward and distant until I pass a doorway.
And I am hesitant but sure.
I want to go inside.
I must know.

Stormbreakers and makers

-------

Wishes of Fishes
As much as I don't want to sound angry all the time.
As much as I'd like to just write about my day, life and experiences - it just seems like its chockful of wrath and frustration, not chocolates.

Once again, the whole paternal issue yesterday night.
The key phrase this turnabout of time "I called you down here (I'm in my towel) so you can ask your mother how a son should talk to his father" - yes, apparently I wasn't looking at him straight in the face when he was telling me there was some supper in the back kitchen.

I have to get out.

I'm working damned bloody hard to get out now. I barely have weekends, but I know at the end, I'll get some extra cash. A little more something to get away.

Stone of Ages
I was so angry, I barely spoke to my Mom this morning.
I didn't thank her for the breakfast she packed, because she knew I barely ate anything in the morning, as I rush off to work. I didn't stop for a few seconds just ot nod and acknowledge her ... and I was so angry, at myself in the car driving to work, I stopped in the car park and felt tears.
I was so angry, I cried.
The quiet kind.
The impassive face.

Cake and cream
I tell myself not to feel guilty that at times like these, I wish most for romance. Something to indulgently ... mine. Just mine, and no one else's.
I know it isn't as real, as tangible, just trivial.
But don't we all want that piece of dessert that does nothing important for us - except make us feel better for just a moment.
---

Prose
Theres something I should tell you.
There something you should know.
Its not something I can say.
Its not something you can listen to.
Its the words between words.
Its the sign between gestures.
Nothing marks its arrival.
Nothing leaves its passing.
You'll know when its gone.
Never when its here.
My name.
Tell me yours.
---

Fragili-tee

------

Karma
I had a pretty bad weekend.
Kind of.
It was weird.
But it pretty much all falls under this discussion.

I worked half day (sometimes longer) at KLPac. Nothing exceptional.
I pondered between staying there all day or meeting a friend in PJ. I had brought ticket for Vince, his BF and myself for a friends "3 Fat Virgins: Unassembled". Yea Pat!, in her directorial debut!
As I told Vince, hey, RM 20 (actually it was 25 but I covered the remainder coz it was my mistake telling them it was 20) - was all going to charity. So hey, let's do our bit for charity and good karma.
We even (before) and (after) the play - went to a games cafe to play a some board games. Cool, someone bought over Settlers and its renamed the Mage Cafe, with less but still good Board games all around galore!
However, I made a Boo-boo. We were suppose to pay for the games in the first session (before) but it wasn't billed. The second time (after), I thought we paid and told him, since we came back to play- we could be billed as one visit, granted we went missing for a few hours for the play. And we left, with me only realizing later we didn't even pay the first time.
Vince says he wouldn't go back, it was their mistake really.
Me, I was feeling ambivalent, I would have gone back without qualms, but walking away also wasn't a bother.
Sunday morning. I treated it lazy, woke up late and did some work.
As the afternoon approached I got ready to go out and I noticed my USB 1 Gig flash drive was missing. SHIT!
I drove all day, retraced my steps to PJ and then to KL ....
I was pissed, at myself.
The one time I took it off my neck coz it got snagged (and I though could get lost) on my jacket zipper and I put it in my pocket. Great ....
Later in the evening, I rushed back to dinner at Subang Parade.
Then after that back to KL again to discuss my freelance web design gig (Elton) (which I needed my USB drive for).
Shit ...
I'm more pissed at the loss of content then the DAMN thing itself.
So I drove back and forth all day.
And I lost a F Driver.
And at night, when I caught the last half hour of Grey's Anatomy: the narrator George was talking about Karma.

WHAT THE FUCK!
---

Prose:

Angry at the sea, I tore the shore to bits.
Of sand.
Angry at the sky, I shred the winds.
Into clouds.
Angry at myself, I grew older.
and died alone.

Till the bulb burns out

--------

Pasted
I could post something work-related.
Art related, externally related -something tangible!
I could post substantials and current events of more material relations.
I could post the books I've read or will read or what to read.
The WIPs of artwork, the favourites around the web.
I coud post excerpts.
I could ...

Nothings stopping me.
I guess thats the point isn't it.

Stairways go both ways
Nothing really stops up from doing what we want or need. Except for those itself: want and need.
Its not often they both share the same lofty goals.
Its harder still to fulfill both.

So for every little boxed up category we have for our lives, to make it more coherent, understandable, - bearable - we compromise.
Between the two.
Treading the balance.
And to consciously (or subconsciously) take account for every word and action we commit outside ourselves.
Only to pander our myriad insecurities inside with abandon.

Romance
The scale has dipped back down to Nada-land, home of the Zilches.
They're all throwing the parade of the Barren and singing praises to Zip- their Zero deity of Nothingness.
Some hours in a day, I feel like saying yes to the first decent looking guy to approach me for any inappropriate acts of indecency. And then, yes to the next four, maybe six depending on mood.

Transitions
One more week here.
Must bear.
Gotta try and take off 2 days ealier here, so I can have some rest before starting at KLPac.

Dram Drama
I feel a little bad.
Just a wee bit, but it'll pass soon.
I reprimanded a my director (sort of) and my stage manager for not informing me of a rehearsal cancellation. I could have been nicer.
I guess thats where your age shows: You tend to take an older authoratative, no-holds-barred, no stepping back nor down stance when giving some youngin' a piece of your mind.
Been done is done.
Quick to anger, quick to pass.
I gave out hugs and all that- phew .... Hugs are magic, you know that.
Go ahead.

Dear Loverly
You know you should.
Go ahead. Give your favourite someone a hug today. In fact, give someone a hug everyday. Anyone, from family to friends.
its a common, warm heartfelt expression which takes little but means a lot.
And its healthy, I suppose, but I'm no doctor. I believe it does give off a good vibe nonetheless.
Its less committing than a kiss, I can tell you that!

(( hugs ))
---

Anger overload much?

---------------

---
Gone by
I need my days.
I have a feeling- I need to change rather drastically.
I can scent a rut storming in.
Like before a storm, as you skin softens from the flux of moisture and the shifting winds. The hue of the world from the eyes mute and dismay, and you know its going to rain. The impending silence between the noise grows insistent and aware.
Its coming.

Ride the waves
Should I draw ti out and ride it out?
Is there something I can do to outflank it?

I fray and soon sever.
i feel that way now or soon, whichever comes beckons first.

Going on the clock
While I wait for others at work to well, give me work for layout, what in Hades name am I suppose to do. I dawdle, and thus incite the wrath of peers who wonder if I'm too distracted or doing any work at all.
Well, ... GIVE me what i'm suppose to be doing!
Emphasis: Suppose to be doing. Not something I could or should do while waiting to do what I 've already done and waiting for others to give me what I'm hired to do.
I'm contracted, seriously.

Munchy Crunchy Centre
And yes, I AM distracted,.
Too many things.
Like how to get out of the house,
How to readjust to work- no matter what anyone says, there IS a Gaddammed period of transition, which is never EVER amiable. Or else it woudln't be a transition of change now, would it?
Yes, I know! You dipshit- change isn't easy (well, La Dee LAH!)
Work-related frustration and hum-drum. Gawd, DTP is sack-ass boring!
Home-related pressure (parental) soul-sucking dessicating death!
I'm hovering on the plateau on a barren romance, with the glowing stars brightly, just out of reach.
FUCK ...

I'm getting progressively and profoundly angry.
The quiet kind, the one that often gets mistaken for frustration. It gone past that now. Its in that quiet place that white and empty, the one that bursting with anticipation and excuse.
Rationales be damned, reason be scorned.
Grasping the edge of the ledge.
Snap
Crackle
Pop
---

Lesson Blue Regarde

-------------

There's a lesson to learn in there somewhere.
But i'm blind and bound to honour its camouflage.
Its the Malaysian way.

Desperado
I did have a rather productive weekend. The buzz word being productive placed rather contradictory in the same sentence as weekend. For emphasis, so you know.
But I like my rest.
I like to know I have the personal space and time to do my own, to be my own, whatever it is and whatever it can be.

I smite thee, necessity.
I savour your son, invention
And I shall spike his virgin essence with renewed vigour
on your hallowed shock and reverie.
Ignorant of your want, of your rancour.
His labour will taste fine, sweet, plush
I smite thee

Suite suite nights
I have this plan, yes.
This one opulent scheme, but will it pan out- we shall see.
It requires a hotel room.
Holiday Inn, thats sort of thing.
Yes
yes.

Tribulation and tribbles
Both the thrills and shivers at the new job.
Yea, like totally man.

But yea, like I recommend - if you don't want to really think but its still fun to listen to : Jack Black's Tenacious D - Pick of Destiny. Its brainless but musical and mostly a practice in impromptu scenes.


Prose
See above.

Blood Snow Jasmine Crow

--------

Ball bearing
This weekend is busted.
I've worked a half day (saturday) at KLPac and I'm putting in an extra full day at Bukit Jalil today (Sunday)
But there's some insane, twisted logic behind this for sure.
Being at KLPac means I get to sweep finish my contract work quickly. And out of the way. I also got verbal confirmation on being hired on a full time employment there ... in KL (partly groanin). Sundays work, is because my of current expertise in a program which they haven't anyone trained to do yet and it does mean helping them get out the last few set of books. I'm getting paid extra for sure. I may also take a day off during the week when its over. Just coz.
I may even use the day to call out a certain someone.

But baseline fact - I lost the weekend.
but in the process I told off this nice, but overly dependant guy (bordring on SMS stalking). I think he got the message. No matter how tactful one can and should be, no amount of etiquette quiet fixes some problems that require dire intervention of candor.

Sidelines
Beside the workload, what so there really?
My indecision to decide when I want to move out? How I will deal with the lingering issues of home while away from home?
I'm sure I'd figure something out by then - but for now, it nags.
Tugging tenaciously.
But I have to try and stick to principles.
My principles; the ones that make my life worth waking up to and looking back and knowing I did myself right.
Hey, no regrets, right?

Daisy Wheel
Only a few more weeks to the show - and I think I got one of my major roles down. The other, I gotta really devote some time to memorize the lines and do some intensive exploration.
I just need to filter out the bad shit that is, can and will happen.
I don't need it.
No more than I already have,
And bite my tongue.
Sometimes I feel absoultely Spartan about my words.

And yes,
300
men in loincloths and capes

Oh.My.Gawd.

It was a great story, somewhat cliche, (dialogue), a bit predictable but then again its an old tale and an epic legendary story so it follows narrative conventions of old (which is great in its way), but forceful, and intensive. Execution was lovely for a visual narrative.

but yea.
Muscles.
Skin
Flesh.

They can spear me anyday.

Prose
Ode, emote
scant delights
much sense it made to me
to know there wasn't any
said, my cerebellum
to the deaf cochlea.

---

Maris was blind, as was his lover.

-------

Wednesday
Was nonchalant and possibly frigid. Absolutely no personality.
The tribe has spoken.
I worked late, 'nuff said.

On to TODAY"S post.

Octopi
It ... hmm, seems a little weird.
So like someone is totally getting on my case about confirming a job especially with KLPac. As far as I can tell, they would take me, but I've yet to seal the deal coz my contract is still on its final two weeks here in Bukit Jalil.
There's quite a bit of work to do, but hmmm ... it would be so much easier to actually DO IT - if I'm there.
Then again, it would be so much easier to do it, if i WORKED there.
'nuff said.

Harlots! All of them!
I despise it when they say they have work for me - but I don't see anything ... until the last minute- there's a buttload of work. Now I get this.
What I don't get, is that when I see the buttload and work and go through it I wonder why it looks like a complete revision! If it was alteration of previous work, I've allowed time for it and still could have met the deadline.
But no .... they had a new editor come in at the last minute to make improvements which SHOULD ONLY be applied in the NEXT set of books. Doing it to the current series ... well it DOUBLES the time and workload and DISREGARDS the previous month's worth of layout and exercises.
Can you tell, I'm frustrated?
Don't worry - I'll be giving them a piece of my mind soon enough, Like on my last hour of employment here.

Sucker Fists
Wasn't too happy at rehearsals yesterday.
Just, feeling a little touchy and pissed so I got all bothered about a flippant commentary. but I'd rather work it out of my system by ranting or fuming rather than cause more drama by talking to the person involved - mostly coz I know I'll get over it and nones the wiser and I'm better off. Its was really some small thing I could deal with anyways, give some time alone to simmer and calm down.
And I'm feeling a lot better now, I'll probably forget about it by the weekend though.
So I'm kinda glad I decided to deal with it quietly without dragging others in. I cannot control what others will do should I confront the annoyance, but I can control myself.
Cool.

Sucker Punches
I kissed a guy yesterday night.
After rehearsals I had to rush off - I met him for a late supper and before I dropped him home, we kissed.
And kissed again.
It seems to begin like that. The quick yet impossibly slow kiss, then tender and soft. Moist and delicate, because its uncertain. So unsure of reciprocation, it verges on trembling but buries it quickly beneath false confidence and culturally ingrained machismo.
And just as quickly as it ends, another begins, longer ... languid, lazy but picking up pace.
Given his youth, he grew excited - given my broken romantic sabbatical, I grew sensual.
And it ebbed and flowed.
It it descended to short slow breaths.
And I sent him home.

It wouldn't work out.
I've accepted it and I respect his stalwart decision. I constantly remind myself so I wouldn't fall too deeply in a trap I can so easily make my own demise. Nonetheless, I can enjoy what can be and whats is there.
Casual and light.
Yes, thats where I'll settle watching at the shore for now. The waves lapping and inviting but I daren't touch the deeper waters.

My last kiss was last October.
This was long overdue.

My Prose:
It was Above me.
In between the spaces.
Away from the rationale.
Tucked.
---

Clammed Wide Shut

-----

Vehicular Update
It was my compressor.
Great, been saving up for the last few months for personal expenses, maybe a holiday or even to move out and its RM 1 K outta the window .... (sighs)

And sending and replacing the part this morning, got me into work late (3pm).
Of which I put in a little extra overtime but still left at 8 PM.
Becoz I said I'd make rehearsals today (tho I forewarned them I'd be late) becoz I'm putting in overtime tomorrow to meet some deadlines and can't make rehearsals.
-- sigh

Dramatics
Yea, some things have spiraled down to resolution. Not all good, but at least its done - but not all bad either. Shit happens. There's little poetry about it and less words yet to be so succinct about it.
A wee bit of scary news but I'll survive.

Screwed
Thats not only the title of ToS's production this time around, BUT also .. paris Hilton's new single. Oh .... great.
First the poster, font, photo collage and now ... sigh ... oh well.
Them's the breaks.

Burdens and hats
So here I am feeling overwhelmed once again. I think I intentionally do this. I get ... vacant if I'm not doing something so I do, and then fate has this way to making them all meet at crux points and chokeholds just to test my .... mettle.
I'd screw fate, but I think its a 'she' and thats just not my gender preference.

Online Gambling
I've updated some of my (ok, ALL) online personals profiles. Time to get back into the market. Much as I dislike the fishing about, its the best chance of actually meeting some decent guys. That is without resorting to going out clubbing every weekend and that is still not guarantee of meeting worthwhile guys.
I would have really loved to have on of those 'we met in a bookstore' encounters.

Breakdown
Project Cloudbreak, the one I'm too OLD to participate in just had their first round of auditions/interviews. This UK exchange program seems promising, but I've heard mixed feedback. The want to take 10 people onboard, but it seems there were only 13 attendants. Figures.
Seems like a small book of short poems is coming out soon enough by the local British Council, and I gots me an email to put in a poem. I'm feeling a little tingly and gleeful inside, but weird too. Its not a paying thing, just a collection for them to promo them up at writing events and workshops. At least its something.

Personals
Thoughts and considerations.
I'm feeling hesitant and tentative today. A lot of ... not so nice misfortunes have hit lately, but I am left thinking. It doesn't really end, does it. I'm one of those people who destined to live one string of mishaps after another.
I think its so, I think its twisted sense of humour the universe likes to amuse itself with. And I think its does so, because I can take it. I know it sounds odd, even to me - but I think i can take it. Why else would it happen to me?
What was it I heard when I was younger - what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I believed I've even shared that with someone close before.

Note
On a whim, I was picking up Vince for a drink on Sunday.
And we passed a FLY FM trooper about ready to hand out prizes.
I stopped, and with a few others strangers there was a chocolate chip eating contest + Pepsi MAX gulpdown.
When will people learn, never ever underestimate a smaller, slimmer GAY guys' ability to swallow whole - both chunks and largess liquids.
I won tickets All season passes to Watch 'Mukhsin'.
I wanted '300' .... for educational purposes of course.

---

Prose
Singularity lisping stray
of a thought
in a scale of one to tens,
I rank behind
brilliance,
one step ahead of insanity.
---

Drama-tics and Aches

--------

Funny sounds
My car is making strange noises on start-up. I don't think parking in the sun all day and then driving off is a good idea. Damn.
Looks like KLPac only has outdoor parking unless the VIP's have like secret enclosed/shaded spots.
Damn it, damn it.
I best check my car at the shop soon.

Throbbing Dull pains
Been having varying degree's of Migraine for the last few days. Uncertain why though.
I have to admit, my disposition has been less than pleasant (more than usual).

Theatrical pains
I even think I made a small boo-boo at KLPac.
I think ... I think I was 'over-professional' or perhaps even passively demanding to the Golden Boy of Malaysian Theatre :Gavin Yap.
Oh dear. My head hurt and I wasn't sugar coating anything.
I was rather blunt in asking what he wanted for this upcoming Tell-tale heart play, the degree of involvement I was in, when the final illustration was coming in, what he wanted or layout, text and overall approach to the visual aspect of the piece. If he didn't have a clear idea, i had some samples on my computer as well he could look at (now, of course since I was only there for a half day). ... in under 5 minutes worth of his time and mine.
oer ... Sorry, dude for being more brusque than usual, btw hawt shorts!

on one hand, I really hope they can match what I'm asking for.
I could really use that number.
Even on that number ...

Hearth
... I might be living cheque to cheque. Thats is when I move out.
I started a rough calculation.

Romance and their ilk
Although I've rationalized that I've let go of an ex & decided to treat the one guy I'm currently interested in, as a casual affair (since he doesn't believe in relationships and I respect it) --- emotionally ... not as sturdy.
If you know of the phantom limbs phenomenon, i would describe the current condition as an emotional phantom extension. Unnerving and unpleasant, yet strangely reassuring. Displacing a need, I not quite sure how to grasp the concept in terms coherent enough for me to understand. But its there.
Its elusive but palpating.
So I'm trying to behave myself by not pushing this feeling unto others, especially those I may be interested in or attracted too. I'm afraid of pushing too hard, or too fast. Ironic, in a sense - since i live my life pretty much with as much whim and spontaneity as i can muster, but I'm reltaively tentative with my emotions.
Perhaps, it isn't that uncommon in retrospect.

Aid
I .... yea, I should get a phone card or something. It'd be nice to hear a familiar voice soon.

And it doesn't help that my head is pounding now.
---

Lucky Dice and Men

-----

Short one today

Movie
I just came back from a chinese movie, Its a wonderful Life. Its hilarious, I've not seen a good slapstick busting all out loud laughter chinese movie in a long time. And the short appearance by the guy who played the modernized monkey God ... HAWT!!!

Work
Yea, I just spent the whole morning working "Shakespeare on Film" promotional s for KLPac. I think it look decent. I don't like how the previous person arranged some files, I think it may have corrected some of my recent work today. Hence having to re do them and resaving them. Perhaps its just some file incomparability. Who knows ... it was frustrating.

Wishes
Hmmm , talking about some instant wishes with friends.
1. Flawless skin
2. Maximum show for minimal effort in exercise, like 1 pushup = 20 pushups. I mean, I still have to work out and bear the pains, but ... just faster :p
3. Bedazzle men when I want. Just coz I wouldn't change them gay if they were straight but I'd charm them and they'd actually find me attractive in a platonic sort of way :p
Those few is all I can remember now.

Hook-ups
Why, yes ... of course I wouldn't mind it if my friends can HOOK ME UP with guys and dates :p

---
Prose
Naked beach salt
crust salt brush
eyes soiled sand
dust lined fact
wounding rivers
tears.
---

Adam wants his fig leaf back

------

Feminine Wiles
Hope everyone (both genders and those outside) had a good Woman's Day yesterday!

Searching
Been asking about for the a nice price range and possibilities on either living in KL or in PJ close to KL. I think it would be preferable if I could also find someone I know to move in with. It would makes things easier I suppose.

Drama
Yes, as always- theres Drama at the Drams.
I don't think I know quite enough to speculate or even judge (isn't that fun!), but I sincerely hope it doesn't change the dynamics of the play for the worse. It would SUCK major if it affected so many people in participation who's only real unified goal is to put on a good show (disregarding all their more personal selfish goaded little objectives and motives aside for now).

Guys
It always boils down to that.
Well, for me. Perhaps unhealthily so, and like I try to live by. Everything in moderation.
So ... I'm staying calm about it and NOT throwing myself at every hot guy I see on the street.
See how well behaved I can be.
Now MOVE IN WITH ME!

Letting go
Yea, its reached that point.
I'm over my Ex. (LoL) - finally, and really. All it took was one phonecall and a casual conversation and allowing myself to actually ... well, look past what we were and only at who we are now. And then I knew ... there's nothing there but the memory.
Phew ... one less thing to waste artless nights on.

Change
As much as I love embracing it and advocating it, its trepidacious for me. It could go good or bad and most times together but the 'good' is hard to recognize or takes too slow to settle in the consciousness. But its easier ... over the years.
I don't think I've quite reached it yet, but I certainly gone past certain points.
Significant, personal ones.

Giftbags
I sometimes think I should put like, you know ... a review or linky link or postie. I mean not totally advertising or marketing in a sense but, perhaps I like this book, story, artiste, music, song, show, production, yada yada ... but then I think.
Nah.
I'd just be contributing to junk mail.
I'm too evil for that, its beneath me - (cue evil laughter: Muahahahahaha)

Home
Is where the heart is.
I wish mine wasn't so scattered to the winds, and the other suspended-in-disbelief corners of the world.

---
Prose for the day
In my dreams last night, I fell in love
He was from the past I did not remember, I did not know him
He found me, again
and in return, I to him.

Was my mind trying to tell me something is coming?
Or to console me with a fantasy?
It does that, you know.
Confound me with its desire to comfort.
Illusions.
Can we live without them?
---

Nooners and Nuts

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Stories
I guess I've always wanted to write them.
Like I've always wanted to start a comic, the several drafts for webcomics. Naturally they've all failed or I'd be rich from all the failed start-ups.
But ok, I try writing short stories. Hmmm, kinda worked for awhile and suddenly that was it. Writing songs ... ok, I put that one in for a lark.
Novels; ok, I attempted just to see.
Yea, need to spend more than a month on it really.
But playscripts.
Especially shorties (10-minutes) seem to be the charm as of late.

've written about 5 short plays so far and am drafting an hour long play as well.

Naturalistic
There's something organic about it that flows when I write. The characters, the dialogue, the story behind the scenes. The unspoken physical movements and silences between lines. I'm already trying to come up with more concepts.

Career line Life line Love line
On the line. I'm considering KL, because it may give me a valid enough reason to move out closer to the city. Not that I'd want to move out any closer to the city. I have to admit to knowing very little about driving in KL, since I try and avoid it at all costs.
But that was before ... Mixed thoughts- this moving issue. Its not like I haven't moved out and stayed by myself or with roomies before; but ... i don't know.
Against my better practical judgement, I suppose. I can try and rationalize and reason that its closer and less hassle and less stress on travel. But an equally powerful argument in my head is that the money I save staying at home (rent, lodging, utilities) pretty much makes up for the travel time, tolls, petrol and car check-ups.

Back, behind and left.
I miss throwing caution to the wind.
I miss turning my back to the wind.
I miss not being able to look back.
No throwing stone, scattering a soft clatter on the packed dry dirt.
Calamity put on a new dress, Jane's plane landed.

Vice City
Now I don't smoke, don't mind if others but wouldn't pick it up.
Can't really take the smell nor taste. But I feel like having a more common vice.Something studly ... not q requisite but it'd be nice.
Drinking? expensive and beer belly.
Drugs? Expensive and hard to find.
Tattoos? expensive and ... well, it won't go away.
Piercings? I actually like my skin. But I wouldn't mind a small one somewhere.
Acts of larceny? Too much effort, too little reward.
Oh woe is me.

Nevermore.
---

Of bee's and sex

--------

Don't worry, Bee Happy?
An unfortunate causality of being raised practical (of course what remains as life practices is debatable) - is being a worrier.
I can tone it down, I can withhold it, but the machinations of the my mind will continue to drone on and on in the back of my head. I'm particularly tolerant yet hostile towards nagging because of my own nasty little worrywarts sprouting in my grey pink matter.

T get up to work, ok ... so I get back in the evening. But wait, there's theatre rehearsals now, almost every night; ok, but I have to get home and do the freelance jobs I've taken and I still behind some commissions. So ... if I deviate
If I choose
If I decide to take a little longer eating with friends after theatre, stay back at work, I have to cancel one or the other things or simply delay them to the next day. Not even the luxury of procrastination.
Bah, and I'm trying to squeeze some home exercise in between and try my darndest to control and watch my diet.

I wanna be Barbie.
She can do everything.
Except bend at the knees. No matter what, I NEED bendable knees and elbows! Its essential to uhmm ... the more physical visceral pleasurable aspects to my life!

Tire
I want more rest. I would like company when I rest.
I feel demanding, well deserved as it may be, I do feel a little bad about it too. Yet I know I still want to demand it. Definitely.

Back to basics
I need to know how to meet people, oops, I'll reiterate, GUYS (preferably gay and open) again.
I don't know, it seems the avenues and co-curricular activities I pursue seem to bring about the nicest, perhaps funnest of melding of minds. I meet a lot of fun people (guys and girls and often much younger than myself give the entry level of my interests and the field itself) but ... but ...
I don't meet guys.
And I'm pursuing local theater.
Something wrong, no?

Wonderwall
I like to watch good children's movies. Its well crafted, especially since the new slew of them on the silver screen are based, and let's hope well adapted for screen, on books - relatively good books too. Or classics. Can't go wrong with the classics.
But anyhow, I want to watch 'Bridge to Terabitha'.
Yet, I would love movies like '300'. The gritty - surreal ambiance of the theme and content, story and muscley men, yes; I'll indulge in some vapidness- Half-Nekkid muscley men.
I just won't watch them back to back.
I think I'll lose something in the transition.
'Oh, didn't see you there, must've dropped you, hello brain ..."

Home and Rent
I might as well start poking about (Sobs .... for more than one thing) ...
I want to move closer to KL, where would you recommend and how much for room rental in your suggested area?
Thanks.
And I'm a decent housemate, that can give backrubs, massages, warm to cuddle to in cold rainy nights and I do bath-foot massages (or know the best places).

---

Whats your Seduction Style?
http://www.seductiveshorts.com/#goods/quiz

===
the Midas Touch
---
Everything you touch turns to gold, and it kind of creeps us out.
You're completely calculating, but then, you also have a good heart, and you are a really nice person.
We'd judge, but you keep using your powers for good, not evil, and thats totally charming and sweet.

Aww, look at you.

Youre so bloody nice.
Its like, we could curl up on your lap and feel safe, and drink cocoa and solve the world's problems through cuddling.
Thats your superpower: cuddles.
===

I absolutely Adore cuddling!
I wasn't too happy wit ha few rods but its ok, its still good, I have superpowers!
---

Why aren't my eyes dry yet?

----------

---
Welts
My face feels flushed yet drained.
The consideration, implication, no need for mention of his ... presence gives way to a turmoil of pressure building up in my chest. My eyes strain to be larger to fill the pools that ooze out from behind the shameless great pink matter in my head. The conscience is screaming into the silence to say and do something but all I can muster up is the machismo lessons in a boy's life, not to cry.

I hate this feeling, regret.

I've told myself many years ago to live and make my decisions without it. But his reminder, its sears and pricks the flesh resurfacing the oldest scars as the freshest wounds. Red, scarlet, and purple deep.

I've never given up on myself but its painful to know so many opportunities have gone by, when all I needed to was to start early. But I wasn't good enough, I couldn't be good enough citizen or person or human being if I didn't become who he wanted. I didn't of course, and I've become who I wanted but its tainted by the fact, he's found a new hobby to control. To dictate, to feel self indulgent and important over. A discipline to sharpen his empty talons into.
And the resounding realization I've too old and am long past some opportunities that could have made me ... content, or worse, happy.
A reminder that I've wasted too many years fighting who I wanted to become only to fall into the same trap, the similar pattern I wrecked myself so many days and nights to break free from.

Its a deep hurt, buried with years of guilt and exasperated breathe. Such a delicate sheer veneer of brusque civility is all I can afford to cultivate for the sake of sanity. Marked for a long jouncy and longer still. It doesn't come to an end, it ends full circle, even when the beginnings rotten to the core, it must end there.

I just want someone to .... just know I have someone I can call, just to listen to his voice telling me his day, so I can put aside my own problems and listen to him. I want that.

I almost achingly need that.

Or I'll go mad from the pounding in my head. This migraine of choices, practicality and obligation. This undigested bits of guilt, shame and duty pushing down on what could have been. what would have been.

Please.
---

Companionship and understanding

---------

Dailies
Let's get these updated and over with.
I went out, got some ToS comrades to o see Johann's play "Ah Steve".
I liked it :D
Then came home for Chap Goh Meh dinner, caught a nice episode of Gray's Anatomy, and went to work on a shitload of freelance work.

Vulnerable
Because it seems to feel like it crashing down on me. Like a dam of denial I've shored up for stay sane, its coming back with a vengeance unbidden and screaming silently in my bosom.
Gawd, I'm lonely.
And I'm sick of listening to whatever few advice I get. Besides being repetitive and ground up from countless other well-meaning 'enthusiastic' and hopeful' commentary- which I already know coz I'm a SUCKER for believing in romance (never in movies but always in real life), I don't want to HEAR ANOTHER PIECE OF IT!

and then there was more ...
And another thing, I'm gonna flay the bones off anyone that tells me, that sometimes it isn't worth it, or its not as great as you think ... Excuse me, but I'm been in relationships BEFORE, ya know!
And even if it was bittersweet or it didn't end up so well, or that the heartache was there everpresent; I'll tell you now, I so much happier anyways regardless! Just knowing someone was there, distant or otherwise ... it was comforting no matter what other shit was in my life.
I just function better and guess what? I'm a LOT nicer when I'm in a relationship.
I guess I do ok alone, but I'll always feel subpar without knowing I can't share it with someone special.

Peas in a pod
... and worse, not just anyone. I don't believe I'm choosy, but is it SO hard to find someone I'm attracted to who frind me attractive that I can have a conversation with! Is character, passion and humour difficult to find.
Oh wait- correction. I have found most of those criteria, in fact pleasingly so in many guys but it lacks one thing ... the fact they don't find me attractive enough to date (or they're already taken as fate may have it ... or straight, utterly so).

Decisive, no?
So fine ... I can be casual, I can choose to sleep around (tho' I don't), or just be a callous romantic, flirt and all around fun-loving free-spirited soul of luuurrrveeeee. But that'll only get me so far, and I know that at the core of my conscience.

Curses!
Dammit, dammit, dammit- I want medication for this! I want the wonders of modern science and medicine to createa pill to neuter this, at the very least dull the ... this ... I don't know what to call it!
Bah - hum - bug
Is it true, a gay man's mid-life crisis strike at 30? or something .... Damned 29th birthyear.
Oh yea - wanna hear some icing?

Theater
Looks like the UK thing. The drama thing.
it for 18 - 25 only.
Yea it sucks!
Like how most Malaysian talent competitions of otherwise are capped at age 28. Even as a flight attendant. 28. WTF! Please please please let me in Amazing Race, its still one of the few shows I can still apply for.

---

Dust to Dust, Dose by Dose

-----

Week-ends and day-ends
I though, maybe it'll be a quiet start to the weekend. Perhaps punctuated by boredom, with high hope of productivity as usual. But as i write this, I htink it was a decent day that turned out decent rather than becoming just another day.

It began like most Saturdays, unsure of how it would pan out as the sun rose and set. I spend most of the afternoon and evening with my good friend Vince and joined later at dinner with his boyfriend. It was pleasant and hopefully the 2 games I bought would tide me boredom over.
Especially since I finally uninstalled my 3 year MMO-WorldOfWarcraft.

But the evening sojourn to Kelvin's CNY open house was sjaky. Some uncertain company and most of the night lounging about eating and gambling. Until it left, the four of us, Mel, Kel, Emily and myself. Once the bed antics began and the truth spilled out ... I think it began productive and remained that way till now ... presently at 5 .30 am as I write this.


Disconcerting
As it may how life is, there's something to do. Always, neither bad or good- it remains neutral until treated otherwise.
How else should I descirbe it? Scouts credo ... or was it morro: Always hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Best not to question the boy scouts, especially if they've gradutaed into hot studly Eagle Scout men!

Reminder
I'm glad I took a chance and did my string of auditions that currently leads me into this foray into playwriting, acting and theatre. It really ... goes give more dimension to my situation now. I'm ... going to have to remind myself of that every now and then.
Can't complain no matter what, I really chose this ... I did.
And I'm glad.

---

Nostalgica and 800 Resolutions

-----

Catch up and other fun things
becomes the day and nights respite. What little I managed at work, I did later at night p grew productive by finishing up the art piece (Sorcerer Seven:Art) on the sideboard + ToS finalized poster promo.
But the capper was really catching up with an old good friend. When I got to fetch him, he suggested we for for of those late night chinese reflexology foot massages. Good call. Definitely something that was different for me and probably just as therapeutic for both of us in the doldrums of dailies.

Pacts and their ilk
This one seems promising though, the agreement that we save up a couple of bucks every 2 - 3 months and pamper ourselves with a day-spa massage treatment or otherwise.
It seems relatively worth it since that visit to Senjakala in KL. Quite so. Next time we hope to squeeze in a manicure and pedicure.

Backburning thoughts
I cant help, although I've pretty much slowly relegated the sobering thought that I'll remain single for a long time and equally devastating thought that I won't find my attractive, intelligent date/boyfriend this year ... its still lingering around the fringes of my thoughts.
Its worse that the lesions at the corner of your eyes, that hover like little translucent worms always out of visual reach.
Why do I feel the need to necessitate the my life and condition with male coupling? Does it make me a better person, I'd like to think so ... and yes, I think it does. Although I don't believe the personal growth is mutual. But I believe to each their own anyhow.

Collapse, concave and compel
So I'll head off and try to drown myself in half-assed projects, art, writing, exercise and procrastination.
And I'll chew the head off (and I do mean the one with the neck involved- other heads require different attention), ANYONE ELSE that says "Don't expect/think about it and it'll come, when you least *effin expect it!".
Die, just die and stay dead.

---

Touch of Idiocy: Level 5

------

Life's Dummy like me
Well, it all kinda sucks anyways.
I was thinking maybe I could squeeze a bit of time after work to watch 'Ah Steve' -featuring friend: Johann Lim. Riiiight, life never likes it when I make plans for myself.
FUCK! I'm sorry Johann, you can smack my ass anyways for missing your play, I'll try and make up on Sunday!

Rubber Gas and the car
The whole parking / ah long parking situation didn't turn out well I suppose. My car back tyre blew out and flattened in the middle of the highway and I had to rubber drag it off the NPE later into Pantai Hillpark and leave it there for the night coz everything was closed that late. Bah ... Thanks kel and Mel for bailing me out that night.

Just fixed it this morning.
Bah - more money down the drain and an ever increasing excuse for my paternal to lecture me.
(chokeholds self!)

Si Occupado
Pressured to change jobs, I also (earlier in the morning) had a long talk with my current boss. Doug isn't happy I'm leaving but understands if I have can only renew the contract for one more month,

I think I'll wean into KLPac a bit, take a part time 3-workday to Sentul first for the first month and check that as probation. They may be pleased, if thats all they need a designer for anyways ... and its cheaper. They'll love that.

Kisses
Yup ... I'm stil waiting.

BOH, tea tea tea
What? I found out there isn't a nomination category for Best Newcomer (at least not listed on kakiseni) for the malaysian Theatre Cameronian awards! Like I'll ever got nominated for Best Actor (MUAUAUAUA- pops out a liver) ... Newcomer ... well thats possible. no?

So the drama
Yea, I just prelims for the visuals for ToS's "Screwed". Woohoo, I'm pretty psyched about it actually myself and I'm doing it! Gack! -- hey you can actually check it out - the scampy visual image anwyays thats ROUGH and not cleaned up at the theoralstage blogspot!

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Becoz I had to take the test :p

How evil are you?

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

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tsk tsk tsk